Need some advice......

[VictoriaP]

I do not quite know where to begin so I will begin the day I came "all the way out" to my wife 2 years ago. Prior to my full disclosure I had worn women's panties, and occasionally pantyhose, and once or twice a corset and stockings. I went to a costume party in drag, and my wife enjoyed these experiences as much as I did; I know this because we had passionate lovemaking sessions afterwards. Since we had 2 young children at home, there was not much more that was possible, at least as we both saw it.
Fast forward to 2 years ago after the youngest child married and moved out and left us to an 'empty nest'; I decided that I wanted to share my love for all things femme with my wife. At first she was a bit put off but after lots of talking and few visits to this website and other sources online she became more comfortable with the fact that I am a crossdresser.
We began shopping together for clothes and she even bought me things when she was shopping and I was not with her. It seemed that we had made a good transisition, until this past summer. It seemed that when I discussed shaving my legs with her that her attitude began to shift, barely perceptibly, but her interest seemed to begin to change from acceptance to almost disdain. When I had brought up shaving my legs to her, we live in Florida, I was concerned about wearing shorts and others noticing, but SHE said not to worry about it that people would not even notice(I am not a hairy guy at all). In fact, she was right! Nobody did notice and if they did they did not say anything. But she on the other hand began to act “distant”. While she had never really, I thought, embraced the idea of me dressing up, she had been, I thought, terrific about it, understanding and tolerant. Actually, one day I complained to her about how getting made-up and wearing a wig and all was a real chore at times, even though I loved how it made me feel and look, it was she who suggested that I not go through all that everyday, but rather just wear the clothing I loved and leave it at that. I thought that was a great idea and began to do that, just about every evening after I got home from work and did my daily workout routine and showered. I saved the makeup and wig for weekends and special occasssions during the week,
Gradually she became more distant, made snippy comments and seemed to be moving farther away from me. When I asked her about it, she said she did not know what I was talking about. I left it at that and just thought perhaps it was a phase caused by other things, hormones, work, etc. When the holidays came we had lots of company, lots of things going on and by circumstance I dressed up less and less, the issue seemed to subside. (I might add that last year my wife had a major surgical procedure done that required lots of recuperative and rehab time and lots of people, relatives and
home health care; consequently I did not dress up for almost 5 months! Although I should have worn a nurse’s outfit for all the caregiving I did!)
Last week she made a comment to me, as I left for work about how ‘handsome’ I looked(wearing drab clothing of course), I kind of laughed and she said, “ Well I did fall in love with you as a man!” Now keeping in mind
that she NEVER says I even look okay when dressed up, or even that the clothes look okay, I was disappointed when she said that but recognizing that by this time I am prone to feel a bit hypersensitive I tried to brush it off.
But all of these things just are eating at me. I feel as if, she “tolerates” me………am I being foolish? Should I be as grateful as I think she believes I should be?
Thanks for reading(if anyone has)this overly long rambling post. I just want to be appreciated as a lady sometimes I suppose. I guess that maybe too much to expect. Is it?

[PetiteDuality]

I think that nobody better than your wife to tell you what is going on.

But considering that she went through a major surgery last week, maybe it has affected emotionally. The new behavior might not have to do with you or your crossdressing.

[tiffanytrapt19]

Wow..quite a story indeed, but I understand what you mean. I like to be appreciated as a woman every now and then as well. While my gf is accepting and does appreciate me as a woman when I want it, I still understand where your comming from.

The only thing I can say is, when you each have time, sit down with her and talk to her about all these feelings and things you are thinking. Let her know though that you still love her and just because you may look like a woman or want to be appreciated like one every now and again, that you are still the MAN she married, and nothing will change that. Let her know that SHE is the woman but, you also like to be a "girl" sometimes. Let her know that you don't want to BE a girl, just to enjoy the clothing.

That's the only advice I can offer. My gf and I had many conversations straightening issues, such as the ones I mentioned, out. Well best of luck to you and I really do hope everything works out for you and your wife. :)

P.S. Petite also could be completely right and all of this is just a side effect that will eventually subside.

[melissacd]

She is tolerating, that is for sure, but she is not liking. You need to engage her in open conversation both about how you feel and about how she feels. That is the only way that you will ever get to the heart of the matter.

[Andy66]

It sounds like you need to get her to talk more. Maybe sit her down and tell her what you just told us.

But let me play Devil's advocate... If she IS telling you her true feelings, and she really doesn't feel she's being distant, will you recognize the truth (HER truth) when you hear it?

I think it's fairly common for spouses to have mixed reactions, at least for a while.

[suchacutie]

I agree with everyone above, but would like to add one more facet. To me your wife sounds less and less confident that she is not losing the man she married. Presenting in the other gender is a very consuming process, and I wonder if maybe the male and husbandly side of you has lost a little focus as you turn your focus to the femme side since that femme side must, by definition, require a significant share of your attention. I'm not saying you should forget your femme side, but maybe for a bit it might be good to look to the balance you are wishing to achieve. Maybe a little male romancing and the little things you've done in the past as her husband could increase her security that she is still the no. 1 in your life.

And if I'm wrong, what could it hurt to be a little more romantic and ... well ... husbandly to someone you've shared your life with?

wishing you the best.

tina

[Lucy_Bella]

I know how you feel,

I think a lot of us get the quilt thing going, when and after we dress, For me its a constant how do I look? Or what's wrong? Over the little expressions on my S.O.'s face that I feel are from my dressing , even tho she assures me it's not.

Its great that she is accepting oor even tolerates your dressing, it shows she has applied an effort or puts up with it. Now after reading your post , you mentioned that the desire to dress was brought up late into your marriage.

Fine you told her and it's fair to say she took it well, now I judge this from my recent S.O. after I expressed my desires , She was fine with it BUT NOT EVERYDAY,.. I am not suggesting to you in anyway how to live your life or that what you are doing is wrong. I am just looking at the whole picture , too much of a good thing could be bad. Just from your post you metioned that you where dressing most everyday, That may have scared your wife even though she didn't say it she was giving some signs.
Then she gets sick and I hope she has recovered. You didn't dress for five months , maybe she is afraid you are going to open the gates to dressing again.

In a nut shell I think your wife is saying she is ok with the dressing but she wants her man time with you also..

[sissystephanie]

Vicky, when you married you were her MAN! A crossdresser yes, but still her man. Since you have had no surgery, and apparently are not taking hormonal treatments, you are still a man. She very obviously thinks you are more interested in being a woman than in being her man. If this is true you have a real problem, which she has already seen!!

You may have read my story before on this forum, but I am going to tell it again. I told my late wife BEFORE we married about my crossdressing and she not only accepted me but also supported me fully. The reason that happened was because I let her know right away that I was her man no matter what clothes I had on. I love wearing feminine clothing, but I always know that I am still a man and always will be!

If you truly love your wife above all else, you must let her know that you are her MAN, no matter what you may be wearing at the time! If you don't do that, you will probably lose your wife!

[Presh GG]

Please take time to read and re read Marla GGs sticky... Now I Like It/Now I Don't...

It's really only been 2 years from her not knowing to you dressing everyday.
The girls above have given you solid advise. IMHO

Could your wife join us in the FAB?
Presh GG

[noeleena]

Hi,,

You have to realise your s o married you as a male ,,man she is saying in a way you should be able to understand you need to hear if you like between the lines you are taking off of your body some thing that is a part of you its not the hairs its more than that , its your manlyness that is coming off
you are changeing from that male to some thing else how well do you know her . she wont just hammer you with it its just suttle, your over stepping the line time to back off a bit ,
& even before the op s things change in side you know nothing about mentaly as well & after . she needs time , dont have a confrontsion about it that wont work , give her more of you as a male ,,,,,

...noeleena...

[Joanne f]

Sharing in something with a partner is something that we all like to do and should do but when it seams like one of the partners in the sharing wants to go beyond what the other one feels comfortable with they start to worry that it is no longer sharing , the other one is beginning to take over .
I think your wife is starting to get a bit worried that the fem side in you is starting to take over your male side and the sharing will stop .

[Jonianne]

As long as she is OK with YOU, knowing that you dress, let her know that you are OK with her, accepting any level of acceptance she can give. She is not obligated to take part or see your dressing.

Talk with her and find out what boundries and groundrules she is willing to work out with you and stick with them. Give her assurance you will always be her husband. When she feels more secure, her countenance will be more favorable toward you.

[Renee_E]

Some of us have tolerant a tolerant wife. Mine sometimes prefers I was the "man" she married. When she gets like that I just go along after all she puts up with me the way I am.

[Paula_56]

you have a right to enjoy crossdressing, and she has a right to not like it

[SouthernBelle.GG]

...I came "all the way out" to my wife 2 years ago...

...one day I complained to her about how getting made-up and wearing a wig and all was a real chore at times, even though I loved how it made me feel and look, it was she who suggested that I not go through all that everyday, but rather just wear the clothing I loved and leave it at that. I thought that was a great idea and began to do that, just about every evening after I got home from work and did my daily workout routine and showered. I saved the makeup and wig for weekends and special occasssions during the week,
Gradually she became more distant, made snippy comments and seemed to be moving farther away from me. When I asked her about it, she said she did not know what I was talking about. I left it at that and just thought perhaps it was a phase caused by other things, hormones, work, etc...

Sounds like you went from 0-100 in less than 6 seconds! You went from being the 'in drab' husband she knew all these years to dressing en femme almost every day? I believe that's the problem here. She's even 'suggested' you not wear make up and wig during the week. Could be that she's more comfortable with you just wearing the clothes? You say she's become distant and snippy, but you further push the envelope by wanting to shave your legs. Could it be that she's harboring fears of what else you're going to want to do as your crossdressing progresses?

I believe if any of what I've said is what's going on here, that she's feeling lost and left behind. Probably afraid to say anything for fear of you thinking she's being unsupportive too. Ask her if she needs you to slow down. Ask her what she wants/needs.

[kimdl93]

so many good points...I think #1 advice with all that's changed in your lives, is to keep the focus on meeting your wife's needs, regardless of how you happen to be dressed If she feels she's #1...then the clothes will be less of an issue.

[sherri52]

That's a good story. I think your wife finally said something that had been bothering her for quite awhile. She married a man and would like to see him once in a while. You commented that you dressed every night, try to tone it down a little to maybe 4 nights a week so that she can have her man as well. I know you have had your freedom for some time but would you rather have a distant wife. Be happy in your dressing four days a week, be happy with you wife forever. Sounds like a good math problem, easy answer.

[Hope]

The big problem here is that your wife is distant, avoidant, and unwilling to participate in your relationship as an adult by bringing her concerns to the table for discussion - even when asked and pressed about them.

Making excuses for her is not going to be terribly helpful.

See a marital counselor if you have to, but you have to be able to talk with your wife about her (and your) concerns. You can be absolutely certain she is talking to SOMEONE about these issues. Why isn't it you?

[AnnaBMarie]

Vicky,
I had the same experience years ago, where initial acceptance eventually turned to thin tolerance. Like others have said, there seemed to be a sense that she was losing the man (and the husband) while gaining someone that she didn't really know or want in her life. I think I made it worse because I was dressing more "girly" than she was, and she saw it as some kind of very strange competition. It seemed that I was intruding on her femininity with mine.

In retrospect I wish that we had tried to set up some rules that we could have both lived with. In the end she just said she couldn't tolerate it and Anna went back to the closet. It was a terrible decision for both of us, because I grew to resent losing an important part of my personality and couldn't help it showing in subtle ways. I hope you find a healthier solution.

[gabimartini]

My only advice: communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, and then when you think you are done, communicate some more.

If she says there's nothing, but if you feel there is, gently push her to talk. Explain you are concerned about the relationship and that the only way you can improve is through her honest and direct feedback. After all, you are not a mindreader, are ya?

Be open about who you are, what your needs are and what you expect from her as a wife and SO.

Be open to listen to her needs and what she expects of you as a husband, because that is whom she married.

If you can find common ground between what you guys need and are willing to offer to one another, then there's hope!

Good luck!

[Sandra]

Actually, one day I complained to her about how getting made-up and wearing a wig and all was a real chore at times, even though I loved how it made me feel and look, it was she who suggested that I not go through all that everyday, but rather just wear the clothing I loved and leave it at that. I thought that was a great idea and began to do that, just about every evening after I got home from work and did my daily workout routine and showered. I saved the makeup and wig for weekends and special occasssions during the week,


Hmmmm IMO this is what is causing the problem. I would say that is isn't keen on the ammount of time that you are dressing. Did you discuss with her about dressing most days or just went and got on with it?

Sit down with her and have a chat ask her what is the real cause of her being not so happy with your cding.