not ready to see a thearapist, but ready for opinions

[mylieanna]

ok im out, i know what i wana do, but cant, main issue is friends and family. is there anyone here who had a BIG isssue with comming out to friends and family based on their own ego or whatnot? thats my deal i know what i wana do, but theres no way i would want to tell anyone, do you know what i mean? ughhh please help out here with what you did and how you overcame it.

[StaceyJane]

I was so afaid of coming out to my family. I hid for a long time. Then my daughter sent me a note telling me that everyone had know for a year but my wife didn't want anyone to say anything. I guess I wasn't as good at hiding as I had thought.

[Katesback]

Rule #1 to a happy transition is you have to be willing to put everything on the line. Since you appear not to be willing to put everything on the line there are only two outcomes that can happen now.

1. You can start transtion in secret and suffer tons of difficult events living two separate lives. I have seen this happen way to many times and the girls that do this often are the most in need of therapy.

2. You can continue to not transition. This is the most common choice TS people make. Face it, most TS people never even begin transition.

I personally do not care what you choose to do. I only care that you can live a fairly happy life with your choice.

[CharleneT]

First of all, welcome to the site ;)

You are facing a common problem, unfortunately there are many solutions - but only a few that will work for you. Sorry to answer a question, with a question, (but it will help to know) what do you mean by out ?

[Super Amanda]

ok im out,

Out to the world, or out to yourself? We need to know to better answer this question.




i know what i wana do, but theres no way i would want to tell anyone, do you know what i mean?


Based on this statement I'm assuming you're not out to the world, but have begun to come to grips with yourself, but don't know how to come out to people you know.

I felt that there was NO FRIGGIN WAY I could tell anyone, especially the guys, that I need to be a woman. These are gun toting, conservative, meat eating, manly dudes I'm talking about here. Turns out that the whole coming out issue is not as hard as most of us believe it will be. My friends and family did not react with disgust or shock, nor did they disown me. That was about a year ago.

Now, I admit that problems are beginning to surface lately. For me, I can feel a distance gradually growing between me and some, who are having a hard time adapting to the fact that the "guy" part of me is more or less gone forever.

With all that said, we still need more details if you want help! :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

ok im out, i know what i wana do, but cant, main issue is friends and family. is there anyone here who had a BIG isssue with comming out to friends and family based on their own ego or whatnot? thats my deal i know what i wana do, but theres no way i would want to tell anyone, do you know what i mean? ughhh please help out here with what you did and how you overcame it.

Your first step should be to get much much more serious about answering the question of WHAT you are afraid of...it may be multiple things..

Also, how serious are you about knowing what you want to do? What have you done so far to help yourself understand your transsexuality...these are all important things..

Knowing what you are afraid of, and knowing yourself and your ultimate goals are the tools you need to overcome your current situation

[Stephenie S]

On the contrary, dear, you absolutely ready to see a therapist.

This is the first step for EVERYONE who is really serious about wanting to explore the ramifications of transition. Seeing a therapist does not at all mean you are going to transition. It just means you need help in sorting out your feelings about this. And that is exactly what you asked us for help with.

It's time to see a therapist. No question there. Try to find a gender therapist, but really, any competent therapist will do. Remember, you are NOT sick, you just need help dealing with you questions.

Stephie

[Frances]

It is probably not what you want to hear, but go see a sympathetic therapist. They are there not only to give letters for hormones and operations, but to help you understand your fears so that they don't rule your life or impede your decision making. Seriously, transition is much more psychological than physical.

In terms of coming out, the funny thing has been that the more I came out, the easier it was for me, while the reaction on the other side was pretty much always the same. I became good at anticipating questions and having responses ready. By doing it over and over, I learned to remove myself emotionally from the experience.

[RylieCD]

Rule #1 to a happy transition is you have to be willing to put everything on the line. Since you appear not to be willing to put everything on the line there are only two outcomes that can happen now.

1. You can start transtion in secret and suffer tons of difficult events living two separate lives. I have seen this happen way to many times and the girls that do this often are the most in need of therapy.

2. You can continue to not transition. This is the most common choice TS people make. Face it, most TS people never even begin transition.

I personally do not care what you choose to do. I only care that you can live a fairly happy life with your choice.

I would consider myself as #2, I see a theripist and he actually helped me see the different options. He never push one way or another, he justs helps you clear the path.

[KarenCDFL]

No matter what your final life choice will be, I, like some of the others here really recommend that you see a therapist.

Whether you transition or not, you will benefit from having a professional therapist listen to you.

I have done that for quite a few years and it has help more than I could have ever hoped for.

Am I where I want to be? No, but I can live with myself and my family without tearing my brain out my head piece by piece.

[Felicity71]

I didnt want to tell my parents for quite a while, but i thought i had a good reason not to. My brother had died of cancer 2 years beforehand and i was their only son from that point onwards. They already had a daughter. As time went on and i wanted to transition, holding the secret inside me worked on my mind. I started to feel worse and worse day after day. Holding it in was not good for my mental state. My reasoning that i didnt want to hurt my parents was now seriously hurting me.

Go see a therapist. Do it for your sanity.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

If you feel that you are a woman you need to come to grips with it and accept that. If you cannot accept that you will not transition successfully. You need to really want it for yourself and you need to be willing to give up everything to achieve it, friends, job, possessions and sometimes the loss of family relationships. But more often then not you don't lose as much as you think. Sometimes you find acceptance from many people.

The point is you need to decide for yourself who you are and how much you want it. And Therapist's, a good one can help immensely. Hope this advice helps. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Hope]

How on earth can you have these sorts of questions and not be ready to see a therapist?

These are exactly the sorts of questions you see a therapist to help resolve.

[mylieanna]

thank you for all your responses, they all helped truly, i guess that a therapist would help out alot based on some of your answers here, well i thought i could get figured out before seeing one, but really it looks like i need one to get figured out, and i was a bit nervous, but these people are here for a reason so im sure i wouldnt be the only one going to a therapist to talk about some thing like this. Knowing someone works with these kind of situations will probly take the nervousness level down a little bit, and i guess its something i really need to get up and go do regardless of how nerve racking it can be. for myself and sanity i am going to be looking up some in the area who handle this kind of stuff, and hopefully get the nerve to call, can anyone fill me in how these meeting tend to start off so i know what to expect, or is it something i will just have to wait and see? thanks again girls.

[Hope]

It's an easy job really. Therapists, particularly those who specifically deal with people in the TG community, deal respectfully with folks like us all the time - you seriously have nothing to fear from your therapist - with the one caveat that you find a competent therapist, a PhD. or PsyD is a good clue, but not a guarantee. Ideally you would get a referral from someone you know and trust, who has professional contacts, but another method is to look through the GLBT community website for recommendations for therapists in your area who do this sort of work. Google is your friend here.

When you go to see your doctor - 2 things are key:

1) Be honest. You are waisting your $$$ and your time otherwise. Your doctor can't help you if you lie to her.

2) Expect to do some work. The doctor will show you the path, but you have to walk it. She can show you how to do the work, but you have to do the work. Simply going and paying your money and yammering on about your favorite TV show for an hour every other week will not do you a lot of good.

Every doctor has their own sort of technique and they all structure their sessions a little differently - but generally you should expect to be responsible for directing your time, to talk about and focus on the issues you feel are important. Every once in a while you get to show up and say "I have nothing today" and have your therapist nudge you... but generally you should come with issues. Otherwise - why are you there?

A first session is pretty basic - you will fill out paper work, and she will explain the ground rules to you, usually talking about payment and the like. Then you will likely spend the rest of the hour talking about background junk, and fleshing out the nature of your issues. Feel free to ask her questions about her expectations, experience, training, all that sort of stuff as well if you are interested.

It's really quite painless, and your therapist should make an effort to make you comfortable. They are used to new clients being nervous.

[Schatten Lupus]

Honestly, if your not ready to come out, then your not ready to transition. How can you transition if you don't tell anyone, unless you loose contact with them and never speak to them again, which is not fair to your family, unless you just vanish for awhile and show up one day as a woman. You have to be prepaired to make sacrifices and loose things to transition. I've heard that one therapist will tell all her patients on their first session "be ready to spend every dime you have to loose everything you have." But it's not all loses. The friends that I am out are starting to accept me as one of the girls. I am even closer to one of my friends now that we can talk about girl stuff. One friend used to see me as a big brother to her. Now I am a big sister to her. One of my guy friends has even accepted me as female.
But, to help you, that is what I therapist is for. www.tsroadmap.com I believe has a list of therapists that specialize in TG/TS issues. And when you find one, remember, they are working for you, and you are paying their paychecks. If you feel you are not going anywhere, then look for another. And if you go to a therapist that suggest you are sick, can "fix the mind," or just makes you uncomfortable, find another one.
Myself, I'm about to come out to my family, probably sometime next month. My comming out is fueled by my pride and ego. I am a woman, and my family deserves to know this before I set out to become one.
I wish you luck in your journey. It sounds like you are still in the very early steps, and while it may seem hard at first, it does get easier as you go on.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My comming out is fueled by my pride and ego. I am a woman, and my family deserves to know this before I set out to become one.


I like this statement alot...when you can feel pride about yourself then you are truly ready..that sounds like a simple way to think about it.

btw...thats what a therapist can help with, as can meeting and relating to other t people..

[Melissa A.]

Lieanna,

Wecome. One thing you need to know without question is that you are so not alone. Your feelings are so common, if there was a transitioning 101 course, this would be at the top of the syllabus.

The therapist advice is without question the most important you recieved. If you are having these thoughts, You are completely ready for therapy, whether or not you ever begin transition. For me, there was a threshold I reached, after so many years of denial and burying myself, where my mind would not stop racing, night and day. I literally could not function anymore, if I didn't get help. When I did, I sobbed the whole sesion. What a release. When the sadness of the cognitive dissonance of GID hits for real, it can be debilitating. It's not a fun place to be, and I wouldn't reccomend that you allow yourself to get to that point. From everything I have read, and heard from others, severe GID is a progressive situation that never gets better, if not addressed.

There is something that you will come to know, as others here can tell you. It's universal-There are things that right now, you feel may be close to impossible, or that you can never imagine yourself feeling or doing, that you will look back on in the near future, and smile when you think of them. You will change. You will become more comfortable in your own skin. The things that petrify you now will become a footnote in your journey, in the not-too-distant future. This isn't to minimize the steps you take along the way...it's all important. But you should know that all the nightmares you now have in your head, espcecially concerning your ability to handle this(you have no control over others, another thing you will learn and accept, hopefully) almost never materialize, for most of us. You will look back and be amazed at what you are capable of, and having lived it, you will have to trust us on this one. It happens to all of us. Really. I wish you all the strength and luck you can find.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[mylieanna]

Lieanna,

Wecome. One thing you need to know without question is that you are so not alone. Your feelings are so common, if there was a transitioning 101 course, this would be at the top of the syllabus.

The therapist advice is without question the most important you recieved. If you are having these thoughts, You are completely ready for therapy, whether or not you ever begin transition. For me, there was a threshold I reached, after so many years of denial and burying myself, where my mind would not stop racing, night and day. I literally could not function anymore, if I didn't get help. When I did, I sobbed the whole sesion. What a release. When the sadness of the cognitive dissonance of GID hits for real, it can be debilitating. It's not a fun place to be, and I wouldn't reccomend that you allow yourself to get to that point. From everything I have read, and heard from others, severe GID is a progressive situation that never gets better, if not addressed.

There is something that you will come to know, as others here can tell you. It's universal-There are things that right now, you feel may be close to impossible, or that you can never imagine yourself feeling or doing, that you will look back on in the near future, and smile when you think of them. You will change. You will become more comfortable in your own skin. The things that petrify you now will become a footnote in your journey, in the not-too-distant future. This isn't to minimize the steps you take along the way...it's all important. But you should know that all the nightmares you now have in your head, espcecially concerning your ability to handle this(you have no control over others, another thing you will learn and accept, hopefully) almost never materialize, for most of us. You will look back and be amazed at what you are capable of, and having lived it, you will have to trust us on this one. It happens to all of us. Really. I wish you all the strength and luck you can find.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

wow well i just seen myself in some of the things you said here, that is very motivational from my standpoint, sitting here, having my racing thoughts and not knowing what to do. then see your situation and have it all come together, i hope to have positive reactions from many of the girls situations on here also, since it is a very tough thing to go through, and i agian thank everyone here for your thoughts and advice, i never thought there would be anywhere/one i could talk freely about this kind of stuff and i really hope to get on the right path here and just get the feeling of Myself, and not anything else.

[Schatten Lupus]

From everything I have read, and heard from others, severe GID is a progressive situation that never gets better, if not addressed.

I agree with this. Myself, I dealt with bouts of anxiety, depression, and I would go through periods of several days where I would only sleep maybe 2 or 3 hours a day, and eat very little. And I consider myself lucky that that was all I dealt with. From what I have read, many transpeople are even suicidal, before, during, and after transition.

And I will say for clarification, I am very gung-ho about getting on with my transition, but it was a very different story up to only a few months ago. While I have had thoughts my whole life, for about the last 7 or 8 years it was a constant on again, off again ordeal. I would, I thought, come to terms with myself, and then back off. I have come to understand that I had not come to terms with myself, but had an understanding of myself. Then I would again realize who I am, and back off again. And I too worried and stressed over coming out to my family. It just seemed so impossibly, to be alienated and disowned by them. While I do not expect my outing to go well, as it didn't go that well the two times I was almost accidentally outed, I have reached a point where I have to go on with my life. If my parents cannot accept me as their daughter, my siblings as their sister, then it is not my problem. While it will not be easy by any means, I have realized this is my life, no one elses, and it's time to move on with it.
Another thing I have also learned over time, is when I was younger, I couldn't not fathom the idea of anything but an overnight transition. I was scared to think that I would still grow facial hair, have body hair, and nothing feminine about me other than a mind, and go out into public presenting as a woman. But I have come to better understand, and even appreciate the process. There have even been several times that I have wanted to go out as a woman, but am holding back on that until I can get a passable voice down. As soon as I get it down though, I am taking my first steps into the world as the real me.
I have not seen a therapist either. And looking back, I wish I would have. I might have been where I am now years ago.