She might know now.

[Spacey]

There is quite the chance that my wife now knows. I have been going to therapy and I told her that there is some things that I can't find myself to share with her just yet. Things I have carried a long time. I know she is wanting to know what it is.

I can't be to sure if she knows but last night she was cleaning our daughters craft area in our basement which happens to be right near some clothes of mine. Oh and wig, purse makeup, coat, boots. :eek: Lol! I had them stored in a cabinet where I keep all my art things and such.

I had woken up after falling asleep after reading my daughter her bedtime story. Many parents here know about that scenario. Anyway as I walked down the last steps I hear the sound of a cabinet drawer closing and well She was right there and looked a little strange. You know that look. I know that look cause I had it too.

After what seemed to be forever we simple talked about the craft area and such. Conversation seemed awkward. Now I have no idea if she did find my things. But I do know last night felt odd. We decided to go to bed shortly after. Unusual for me. I'm a night owl and work on art then. But I do sometimes go to bed at the same time. Unusual that we talked so much in bed. As If we couldn't sleep.

I will have to see what the days ahead will bring. I don't feel as frightened as I have been though. I feel I'm almost ready to tell her anyway. That is what is important.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Wow! This is one that I too may have to address as well since most of my things are also hidden in a similar fashion. I think you should go with how you feel on telling and feel it out.

[EnglishRose]

Before my wife really found out, we had severe flooding in the basement near where my stash was. She wouldn't normally have gone down there as the stairs were a little unsafe.

She didn't actually find my stuff but it was nearly brown pants time :)

[kimdl93]

Hi Stacey, well, I think that if she doesn't know, your wife must be at least a bit curious. I mean, if you were the one who made that discovery, you'd at least have to wonder where all that stuff came from...

I do think its time to have the first of what may be many conversations with your wife. I'm hoping for your whole family's sake that the conversations can be constructive, mainly positive and in the end rewarding for both of you.

Stacey, it sounds like you're a great parent. And from looking at your album, you're a gorgeous girl. My prayer is that with patience, open communication and steadfast attention to her needs, that you share this part of your life with her in a positive way, and conversely that she can learn to both accept and enjoy the extra dimension you bring to your relationship!

[Spacey]

Thank you. I'm finding that the more I learn about myself the less fear I have in communicating it to the ones I love. This is a slow process but at least I can see and end. If she knows now, so be it. In way it might makes things easier. Sometimes I need a push. Even an accidental one.

[Topsykret]

In way it might makes things easier.

I will tell you well I will try to explain when My wife as know for the first time. It was a night without kids when we drunk a lot and suppose it to have a great night toghter. I have tell here Did you ever thought slipping with an other woman, and she answer Yes I already think about this... So I went upstares and Do a quick makeup and put on some cloths. Then wnt back to the basement as a girl. It was weird, she was shock and we started talked about my xdresing. Then she finally said I don't care if you do it but I don't wanted to know when you do the thing. Since this moment, she know it and never talk anymore about it. I usualy do my xdressing when she's not there but the thinks never been easier.

Sorry for all syntax error I usualy speak french

[sherri52]

I think she knows and was waiting for you to tell her a story. She knows you know. It's time to tell her, she didn't get mean when she seen them, give it a shot

[Lucy_Bella]

Its always a hard thing to do, tell someone something that may hurt them or make them feel differently about you.

I had been faced with that several times , I figured it was best to let them know is from my point of veiw ,on my lifestyle ( crossdressing) rather them trying to put the pieces together themselves.

It's good you are seeking support from a therapist, is this for sexual identity? If so maybe your wife could go on a visit with you or alone. A professinal can sometimes be mis leading so be careful in doing that,

I just sat my ex, and my new girlfriend down and gave them the option of getting out of the relationship before it was a serious one. I explained every detail of my lifestyle to them and I also left the door wide open for questions. I allowed them to speak without OVERLY DEFENDING MYSELF . Because S.O. go through many stages of shock with this sort of news.


I will say after I spilled the beans about my lifestyle , I felt a ton of bricks come off my shoulders. Most of the time it's not a deal breaker and from what I have read in here what ends the relationship is what you do afterwards. Going to fast going to far , no set boundries and selfisness along with lying.

I hope it goes well for you when you do let her know.

[SheilaK_CD]

... I have tell here Did you ever thought slipping with an other woman, and she answer Yes I already think about this... So I went upstares and Do a quick makeup and put on some cloths. Then wnt back to the basement as a girl.

LOVE your method :thumbsup: I am going to try it too. Wonder if my better half will go for it :daydreaming:

[jacky83]

I will say after I spilled the beans about my lifestyle , I felt a ton of bricks come off my shoulders.This is true!

[Natasha TG]

Hi Spacey,

I have just sent you a pm.

let me know if you want to meet up and talk to try and put the situation into some perspective, or just use me as a sounding board. I am a great listener:)

ta ta
Natasha:hugs:

[Spacey]

Still not one hundred percent sure that she found my things. Nevertheless I need to prepare to come out and have answers to her questions.

[Jenny Gurl]

LOVE your method :thumbsup: I am going to try it too. Wonder if my better half will go for it :daydreaming:

I would not try that method. If you read here a bit, you will find the results are usually not good when you spring it on her that way. They need more time to absorb and understand this. Popping out made up and dressed does not give them enough time, and is visually shocking.

I don't mean to hijack the thread from original post, I just saw a chance to maybe keep someone from making a common mistake early in a relationship others have learned the hard way.

As to original thread, I would act normal, and consider what you will say if she does ask you about it. Many here were not ready to come out to SO, but when the cat was out of the bag they made the best of it and had a long meaningful conversation explaining it. I would rehearse that conversation if you feel it is the way to go. She may ask you about it soon, and it is always better to have what you will say rehearsed, rather than accidentally saying the wrong thing and it being taken wrong. If you are not ready to come out, you need to be coming up with a reason those things are there.

[melissacd]

Spacey,

You will feel so much better when you have that conversation. I am not sure how she will respond, but if she loves you deeply and if you handle things in an open, honest,caring, repectful and authentic way then you will be able to work through this together. Many before you have successfully done this.

Good luck,

Melissa

[gabimartini]

Spacey, it's very hard telling people what to do in such delicate situations. I'll share with you my thoughts, and it's up to you to make heads or tails of it.

I'd bet money she knows. Heck, if we are more sensitive than ordinary men, what do you make of GGs? They have 6th, 7th and 8th senses to work with, it's unfair competition.

My take? She found out but cares too much about you to violate your space. Especially since you told her there's something you will need to talk about.

I mean, put yourself in her shoes. Right now, her mind is probably on overdrive trying to fill in the blanks the whole situation has created. A "secret" to be unveiled, female paraphernalia in the basement, awkward silences. Problem is she may be making the wrong assumptions about you. She may feel unappreciate, replaced, cheated, left out, who knows?

I've found that honest, open and direct communication to be the best remedy for such instances. Not sure it works for everybody, but it did for me. It was awkward at first, it produced a flurry of questions, but it was also very liberating for me and my SO. We started to fill in the blanks together, guesswork was over!

Hope it works out well for you guys.

Good luck!

[Andy66]

Please tell her before she jumps to the wrong conclusions. :hugs:

[Kristen Marie]

Hi Spacey,

This is a tough call. My thinking is that if she found your stask once, she may go back and look again. Is there anyway you can position your clothes so you know she looked at them? I'm not saying to do any devious, just do it to set your own mind at ease. Seems like you are unsure and that can drive you nuts...I know.

My wife does not know the full extent of Kristen and while I think I am a good husband and father, that may be the reason I don't get too much pushback on some of my little desires like wearing panties on occassion with her.

I would go easy and see what unfolds and just be prepared with some simple answers.

[bron]

My partner has known since we met 7 years ago that i was a very fem guy. She also knew my cd past with my previous girlfriend. But when i "officially" came out to her she told me she wishes i never told her. So for her i play the guy. When i get home i am bron.

[DiannaRose]

Spacey, I just read this. No wonder you've been feeling off kilter! :)

I think that if she found your stash, but didn't mention it, she's not ready to talk about it. I could be wrong, of course...this is just my perspective.

But, clearly she knows there are things about you that you're not comfortable talking to her about--you told her as much. She may have found your stuff but is respectiing your timing and comfort-levels on this.

It IS a tyough call, because it could go either way. If it was me, I'd probably just leave things alone for now, be positive (but not over-cheerful) around her, and show her that you're still you. If she's uncomfortable because she DID find the clothes, you'll make her more comfortable around you and maybe that'll get her to broach the subject. If she didn't find the clothes, nothing is lost.

Talk to your therapist about it, too, and see what she/he says.

I'm glad that you've reached a point where you'd be okay talking about it with her. That's a critical first step. Now, you're ready if and when the time comes to come out to her. You know I'm praying for you, Spacey! Keep us posted!

[kimdl93]

Still not one hundred percent sure that she found my things. Nevertheless I need to prepare to come out and have answers to her questions.

I am sure you've gotten all the advice you can absorb, so I won't offer any more. Just the very best wishes for you and your family!

love,

Kim

[Leslie Langford]

...and given my own experience in being at the receiving end of women's intuition (not always a pleasant event!), your wife has probably known (or at least suspected) that something like this was in the offing for some time now. The presumed "find" in the basement would just add more creedence to those prior suspicions.

The fact that she did not freak out on the spot and knows that you are already seeing a therapist to deal with issues that you have difficulty in talking about openly work strongly in your favour that your wife would be quite receptive to your opening up to her about your crossdressing. That said, you must make sure that you control of the time, circumstances, and contents of the discussion when it does take place so that it is conducted in an appropriate and constructive manner. You also need to be fully prepared to truthfully answer the usual " Are you gay? Do you want to have a sex change operation?' etc. questions that will invariably arise during such revelations.

If you research past posts on this forum, you will find a wealth of information and advice from fellow crossdressers who have already "been there, done that", as well as advice on what landmines to avoid. You might also want to take a look at the website entitled "A Crossdresser's Secret Garden" which can be found via this link:

http://cdsecretgarden.femmegetaway.com/index.html

I, personally, have found this site to be a great resource regarding advice on how to proceed with disclosure of our crossdressing to our loved ones, as has been this forum in helping me fully accept this part of me. As others here have also alluded to, taking the plunge and coming clean to your SO and immediate family can be extremely daunting, as one can never predict the ultimate outcome with 100% certainty. But like the first parachute jump, it becomes easier and easier to do with each successful repeat, and the sense of relief and unburdening is indescribably liberating.

My wife has known about "Leslie" for many years now but we still face rocky times on occasion, and I attribute much of that to the historical legacy of the very unfortunate circumstances under which she found out about my crossdressing. By contrast, I finally (and with much apprehension!) revealed this side of myself to my adult children on separate occasions over the last 3 years, but in the manner that I have recommended to you. It went far better than I could ever have imagined, both proved themselves to be fully supportive, and there has been absolutely no negative fallout to our existing excellent relationship. My only regret now is that I didn't do it sooner, and I think that everyone in our family is relieved that this "elephant in the room" has finally been dealt with conclusively.

One can only hold such a deep, dark secret bottled up inside for so long before it either leaks out, or else the strain of trying to manage and contain it becomes unbearable.

[sonia_dargency]

Please tell her before she jumps to the wrong conclusions. :hugs:

I agree with that, it seems that the time has come to let a bit of you out to her, or at least to clarify some points. can't stop progress.

yet, you may use caution, since you don't what she knows or have seen.

There is also a sticky thread about how to tell your partner I wish I read before...

Best of luck

Sonia

[Blaire]

I mean, put yourself in her shoes. Right now, her mind is probably on overdrive trying to fill in the blanks the whole situation has created. A "secret" to be unveiled, female paraphernalia in the basement, awkward silences. Problem is she may be making the wrong assumptions about you. She may feel unappreciate, replaced, cheated, left out, who knows?


May be wrong assumptions? Wife finds another girls clothes in the house... If I was to bet on an assumption, them being worn by hubby isn't it.

Her not immediately showing signs doesn't necessarily mean anything. She now knows that something is up, and she's quite likely going to be looking for more clues - happily feeding you enough rope to hang yourself.

Spacey, you've been living a lie so far in your relationship, and now there's every chance that lie has been found out. It's your choice to cover it up or to come clean. How do you want to leave your mark?

[Jenny Beth]

It doesn't matter if she found your things or not. Since you told her there are things you can't share with her yet try to imagine what's going through her mind, it can't be good. Time to come clean, if she did if fact find your things the initial shock might be over but the longer you leave this the more she is going to assume things. Good luck.

[Spacey]

Thanks for all the words. I have to tell her regardless if she found my things. I can't say when that will be but I want it to be soon. I didn't feel that way a few months before. It's something I have to live with. I will let you know when it happens.

[RhondaLynn]

I've never understood why we've ever thought we could, or how we have, kept this part of us a secret from our partners or the ones we live with. It seems that by keeping our activities secret places limits on our abilities to fully experience it, thus lengthening the time required for us to fully understand it and become comfortable with ourselves.

My SO discovered my things about 2 years after we moved in together - i'd given all my things to my brother to hold for me when i moved in with her. He called a couple years later & said to come get my things - he needed the space back. So i brought them home, packing them in the back of a hall closet. It only took her a couple months to discover them, but then again, i wasn't really trying to hide them that hard.

Her reactions have been varied over the years, from anger and confusion, to disgust, to distancing herself from my activities, to indifference, to a general acceptance. For several years, she didn't want to see me wearing a skirt & hose, or whatever - i could do as a pleased, but only in my room. That got old. Over serveral years, several arguments, and her slowly getting used to me in various attire, she's now ok with it, unless i want to exit the house as such.

Having her tolerance of my activities has lead to my gaining a greater understanding & acceptance of myself. What was once a 'bedroom fetish' of sorts, has become just the opposite - i wear what i feel comfortable in, when i feel like it, where i feel like it, for as long as i feel like it. The fetishism aspect of it is gone, since i'm no longer banned behind a closed door. I can go for days dressed as i wish, merely enjoying the comfort & state of mind of the experience. It's been a growing experience for both of us.

She shocked me Friday night. I was on the couch with my laptop working, she was getting ready for work, came over & sat down beside me, picked up her laptop to check her email or something. After awhile, she sat her laptop down & began to get up, but paused. I heard her say something, about "a woman.." (i was involved in my work, only barely acknowledging her presence in my peripheral vision). I looked over & said "Uh, did you say something?" She said "You look like a woman. You really do. Sitting there, wearing a skirt & hose, heels, a blouse with breasts and all. There's a woman sitting next to me on the couch, except she has your head". I said 'Uh, yeah, i think that's kind of the point of it all. Would you like me to go upstairs to work?" She said "No, you're ok like you are - I've just never noticed you quite like that before." Wow - what a strong but casual statement.

So, i guess that we've reached a mutual understanding of my gender duality. But looking back over the years that were wasted in secrecy & hiding, and in being limited to one room to explore my interests, those were years of wasted time that we could've used more productively in building our relationship.

[KristinSkye]

Thanks for all the words. I have to tell her regardless if she found my things. I can't say when that will be but I want it to be soon. I didn't feel that way a few months before. It's something I have to live with. I will let you know when it happens.

I think that's a good attitude to have. Try and use this feeling you have that she already found out and how you feel differently now as motivation to truly come out to her. If you do decide to go for it like you mentioned be totally prepared to answer any questions she has.


Anyway good luck Spacey, I hope things work out for you :)

[carolinoakland]

I think the weight of the secret is begining to wear on you both... be respectful and don't rush. Carol

[KimberlyJo]

I will say after I spilled the beans about my lifestyle , I felt a ton of bricks come off my shoulders. Most of the time it's not a deal breaker and from what I have read in here what ends the relationship is what you do afterwards. Going to fast going to far , no set boundries and selfisness along with lying.


One thing I think that a lot of us fail to recognize is that the ton of bricks going off your shoulders are not being set down, they're being handed over to your SO. But it's a load that gets much lighter when you have a supportive partner who's willing to shoulder some of the load.


Thanks for all the words. I have to tell her regardless if she found my things. I can't say when that will be but I want it to be soon. I didn't feel that way a few months before. It's something I have to live with. I will let you know when it happens.

I think you're making the right decision here :)



I looked over & said "Uh, did you say something?" She said "You look like a woman. You really do. Sitting there, wearing a skirt & hose, heels, a blouse with breasts and all. There's a woman sitting next to me on the couch, except she has your head".

:lol: I don't know exactly why but this struck me really funny.

Spacey, I feel for you I really do. If it was me in your situation, I would tell her. I would sit her down and use all the tools I've seen discussed here on all the various threads that broach the subject and just get it out there. You cannot hide it forever, and every day, week, month and year that goes by that you don't tell her will only compound the problem. If she finds out about it before you come clean, the betrayal she may feel will only be that much stronger.

This reminds me of a similar thread in recently where the CD thought the same thing. Well it turned out that the wife did not discover the stash, but she did uncover his internet history and found out about it that way. The confrontation was not pretty. You've probably read the thread I'm talking about.

The point is, at some time or another, everyone slips up and gets busted. Everything I've heard says that it's better if you tell them rather than finding out on their own. And honestly, in this, you'll need every scrap of advantage you can get. You will never know how your wife will react until you tell her.

I believe there is a sticky that offers advice on how to tell your SO. Check it out, it may help. I truly hope that the love between you and your wife is strong enough to withstand this difficult situation.

If you ever want to talk about anything at all, you know where you can find me.
:hugs: :love:

[erika130]

Just wanted to say best of luck !!
I'm nowhere near the same situation, and there's already great advise here of course

[MJ]

i wish you all the best sis :hugs: you have my number

[Spacey]

UPDATE: Still don't know if she found my things but last night I finally told her about my cross dressing. I let her know that I have been doing this long before her and since I was very young. She was worried that I was I was gay and I reassured her that I was not and that I still very much in love with her. She said it is a lot to digest which it is. It was late and we needed to sleep. We held each other and I let her know I'm still the same person but I need to stop hiding this from her. This morning seemed ok but I'm sure this will take a lot of time and communication. Yes I do feel like it is off my shoulders but it doesn't sit well with me that it is now on hers. This is only day one.

[Tomara]

Hi Spacey
Congratulations
Just keep answering her questions honestly and to the best of your ability , make sure you reassure her that you love her and that you are there for her and take your time.
Good luck to you both!
Tomara

[Spacey]

Thanks Tomara. I plan too.

[Mary Morgan]

You've received a lot of good advice so I'll just remind you to take it slow and easy. She will need time, she will vacilate between emotions, and she will adjust to this in large part based on how you behave from this point forward. Inspite of what either of you think, it will feel as though there is another person in the room for awhile.

[Angel.Marie76]

Hey Spacey, Good for you having the courage to tell your SO about your dressing.. is a HUGE, and important step. Best wishes for the journey ahead... :hugs:

[dorylinn]

I'll just remind you to take it slow and easy.


This is the mistake I think I made. After the conversation with my Wife, the pink fog came in strong and I think it overwhelmed Her. We had a wonderful month of whirlwind trips to the thrift stores, and tho my new wardrobe and closet space is great, She may not be as accepting as I first thought.

I have since backed off a little.

Baby steps would have been a better strategy.

[Midnight Skye]

I'm glad you told her Spacey, take it slow and communicate with her on all levels of life (just because you brought this out don't make it the only thing you talk about). And keep being yourself, the person she loves and married. By the sounds of it the roof didn't fall out which is always a great sign.

[Spacey]

I'm glad you told her Spacey, take it slow and communicate with her on all levels of life (just because you brought this out don't make it the only thing you talk about). And keep being yourself, the person she loves and married. By the sounds of it the roof didn't fall out which is always a great sign.

That what I'm trying to do. Just be the same person I have always been to her.

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I know this is just a beginning of communication. I will let her guide the pace on this.

[ReineD]

This morning seemed ok but I'm sure this will take a lot of time and communication. Yes I do feel like it is off my shoulders but it doesn't sit well with me that it is now on hers. This is only day one.

Congratulations, Spacey! You did the right thing. :hugs:

You might want to tell your wife about the FAB section of this forum. She will need to talk to others about this too.

[Shananigans]

You did the right thing by telling her. I'm really glad that you didn't choose to tell her by approachig her en femme. That would have just shocked the hell out of me if that was the way that I was told. She Does have a lot to digest because she may be thinking, "Well, if he has hid this for so long, what else is he hiding? Does he want to be with a man? Will he leave me for a man? Will he get SRS?" It's good she's doing that thinking now though. I was on the acceptance train for a while and then I took a pit stop because I hadn't really thought of those questions at the time that my SO told me he was a CDer. But, I eventually got back on the acceptance train in time. It sounds like she will come around because of the way she handled it with you guys holding each other at the end of the night. I think that talking to other SOs might help her out, because you have essentially brought her into your closet. She doesn't have really anyone to talk to about this besides you, and she might be afraid to tell You what she is thinking because she is afraid it will hurt her feelings. Also, the book My Husband Betty is phenomenal and helped me immensely. I highly recommend it to SOs and CDers.

[t-girlxsophie]

As the other Ladies have said take things slowly,be prepared for a lot of questions,and a whole range of emotions.I do hope everything goes well for you both,and you become stronger together

[Spacey]

Congratulations, Spacey! You did the right thing. :hugs:

You might want to tell your wife about the FAB section of this forum. She will need to talk to others about this too.

In time I would like to do this. For now I don't want to overload her. I sent her the "Helping Wives" link found in the "How to tell your partner" thread. I think it can be a good ice breaker to further communication. I asked her to read it when she is ready. At this moment things are ok. I'm waiting patiently until she is ready to talk more.