Your opinions please

[MarinaKirax]

OK - opinions only on this topic, please ;)
MY wife, who knows about my dressing, is having some problems understanding where I fit on the spectrum between those who get turned on purely by articles of female clothing (which she describes, probably accurately, as fetishists) and those who psychologically identify themselves as female, who want to permanently become , and live the rest of their remaining lives as a female (which she identifies as the transgendered)

I have thought long and hard about why I dress in womens clothing, and what it is about the heels, hosiery, skirts and bras I find so exciting. I have stated to her, and here on this forum that the clothing itself is not all of it. My selection of clothing, my desire to be made up, and to wear a wig in particular, hints at my desire to portray a female, to make others or possibly just myself believe I am female for that short time. I think this must be right, because I would be much less happy dressing up without a wig; and a wig is not neccessarily a sexy, fetishistic piece of apparel.

So I think I do this to convince myself that I AM female for a short time - and my interest in going out, or to socially interact (ie have coffe with ) others while dressed is an attempt to further convince myself that I am recieved by society as a female. It doesn't matter if everyone at the table knows I am male, it would be enough that they treated me as female, to complete my personal illusion.

This is where the problem starts. In saying that I desire, even for a few hours, to BE a female, my wife now feels that I am transgendered, and that is not something she is ready to deal with. Crossdressing as a fetish she can wrap her mind around, but the idea that I am so far from the heterosexual male she married would have an impact on our marriage. There is already the jealousy issue ; I get to 'go away' and do this , and when I dress, I am taking myself away from her, and spending a bit of the sexual energy we posses in a selfish way. I want to involve her in the dressing to spend that sexual energy together. But the idea of me being transgendered to her means that there is a part of me she will never reach again; that there are desires and deeper parts of my sexual being that are gone forever for her.

The thing is, I'm sure not transgendered! I want to be a male, almost all the time. I want to grow old as a male. I don't want a vagina, breast tenderness, periods, hours-long hair treatments, or to mate with men. There's lots about the day-to-day life of the average female that I don't desire in the slightest. When I say I want to be a female, it means just for a short time; and I don't want to be any unattractive female, either. I only want to be a female if I can be hot! I want to look 35 forever. She was shaken by my admission that dressing invloves, for me, a temporary desire to imagine myself as entirely female . She was even more shaken when I said I would enjoy being in female mode for a weekend away. That crossed the line for her.

So my question is this: Is it normal for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female? For just a few hours only, or does the desire to spend a weekend en femme make me transgendered?

I have to figure this out. Cheers, MK

[suchacutie]

The longer answer that I subscribe to is that we can't be female, but we can be feminine. At least on the surface my situation is the same in that I don't want to give up totally my male time! It's just that Tina has been discovered and she is clearly part of me. My wife and I both find it fascinating to figure out who she (Tina) is. I also agree that there is no middle ground. Tina needs to look as fabulous as she can...a high-nmaintenace girl, as it were.

To keep everything in balance, Tina is my wife's girlfriend, period. A close girlfriend, for sure, but that's where it stops. That let's Tina be who she is, not who "he" is. We find that it gets difficult knowing who Tina is if the male activities/ideas blend into her. I can describe it as my masculine and feminine sides have the same data (brain) but different ways of using that information. Tina does not interact with my wife as I do, and that's the point. She's different. She's her own person we've both treated her as a separate entity in our lives.

So, I think I'm living (or trying to) the masculine/feminine existence that you described. I'm the man my wife married, unless Tina comes to visit!

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I think we can over analyze ourselves and make unnecessary classifications. The same can be true of our spouse. Your wife is expressing a the fairly common fears and the threat of losing you.

I think you can, with time and patience, give her reassurance. She's been lead to believe that there is a simple polarity of cross dressing that ranges between fetish and transgender. I'd argue that's an overly simple dichotomy. You've made it very clear that you want to remain male and heterosexual, who enjoys creating the illusion of being female and "feeling" female. No desire for breasts, SRS or hormones.

So maybe there's really a multi-dimensional model that's more relfective of where you are as a person.

As for her concerns about trust...I'm not sure how one maintains or regains the trust of a loved one, other than through communications and actions. We often hear about agreeing upon boundaries of behavior with our SO's. Perhaps talking through these, negotiating, and constantly reinforcing your commitment to her - that level of trust in you as Mirana can emerge.

You're bright, empathetic and obviously committed to your marriage... keep reinforcing that message to your wife, and as I think you already have, keep involving her...inviting her participation and be very generous in expressing your appreciation for her patience and support.

[melissacd]

Mirana,

Feminine self expression is just that, expressing the feminine parts of who you feel you are. This does not, I repeat, does not mean that you want or even need to become a female in the biological sense.

It is important to separate all of the ideas that float around about what being transgendered means. You need to frame this in the context of what femininity means to you. That is all.

You like to dress up, you like to apply make up, wear heels, lingerie and so on. You like to present a feminine form to the world and be treated as a female even though others know you are not. There is nothing wrong with that. Separate who you feel you are from any expectations or mis-conceptions that others have. Look at this purely from the joy and rightness that you feel in this form of self expression.

This is a part of what defines you, just enjoy it. Show your partner that this is a beautiful part of who you are and is certainly not a threat to her or to your marriage. It is only a problem if you or she make it one. If you can accept that it just is and not try and dissect why it is then you will get far more out of this experience.

The moment that I realized that this is as normal a part of who I am as are my arms and legs was the moment that I started to reach a peace with myself. I like the clothes, I like the expressiveness, I like the creativity, I like the feminine perspective, it helps me be a better male, a better person. I love to collect dolls and figurines and read women's magazines. I love feminine expression in all the forms that resonate with my soul. Does that make me any less of a man? Of course not. Does it make me feel like a woman in a man's body - nope! Never will.

I am a male who likes to express myself in a way that is deemed to be female and the domain of women. Who cares, if it makes me happy then it is right and it is correct and it makes me complete.

That is how you need to look at all of this. You are not broken, you are not sick, you are most likely (based on what you have said) not a transsexual.

I am none of these things either and I hope to move closer and closer to living full time expressing myself in a feminine form and yet I am perfectly content with my male physiology.

Never confuse your feminine feelings with your masculine physiology, they are not the same thing. Also help your wife understand that your feminine desires in no way limit the depth and breadth of wonderful partner and soul mate that you can be to her.

Just be.

Huggs
Melissa

[Hope]

I think that you (or more accurately your wife) are asking the wrong question. The answer to that question, by the way, is yes. Completely normal, happens all the time, and I am sure that others will tell you they feel the same way. I do not, but others do.

But here is the rub: Who cares what "normal" is. We aren't exactly what you would call a "normal" group of people... If what your wife wants is normal - you are in a bad place (seriously - just move to the suburbs, have 2.5 kids, a dog, a mini-van and get it over with!).

But that isn't the right question.

This, I think, is the right question, or at least, closer to the right question: Did your wife marry you, or did she marry a strait male? And yes, I realize that her initial answer is both... but here is the point; there are literally billions of strait males in the world. She could have picked any of them (Still can to some extent). If a strait male is what is so important - why not go out and drag any of those others back to her cave? Or is there something unique about you? Again, did your wife marry you, (who may or may not be either or both strait and or male) or did she marry a strait male?

[minalost]

Marina, you sound like you could be me! Up to and including your wife's reactions - my wife is the same way. I can't really add too much to what has already been said. Just know that you're not alone and that there is no one answer to your question.

I think that we can have more than one gender identity. When I'm dressed in drab I act and identify as a male (although I'm almost always thinking about my feminine side!). When I'm dressed enfemme I try to act and identify as female or feminine.

I think your wife needs to learn to ignore the labels and accept you for you.
:hugs:

[wanda jackson]

First of all Marina, your wife should be really glad she has someone is intelligent, sensitive and able to express himself intelligently and in depth.
I totally identify with what you are saying...to be female for while without that having to mean you will somehow eventually want to be in female mode on a permanent basis. When I was in high school I read a biography of Jean Cocteau where he said he wished he could change his sex as easily as he changed his shirt. That would be fun!
This subject that brings us all here is a very complicated one. The dressing part is just the common denominator...each one of us has our own multitude of reasons that consciously or sub-consciously motivates us. If we're lucky we get in touch with our inner voice and hear what it tells us and we follow. If we are even luckier, we find someone to join us on that journey to discover who we are. Your wife needs to realise that you are the guy she married and more. Hopefully she will educate herself and listen to you and get rid of her fear eventually.
I personally don't see why women don't love guys that spend time crossdressing as opposed to say...playing golf all the time...or cheating in bars or on-line.

[tricia_uktv]

Only one way to find out girl. But tread carefully!

[carhill2mn]

Hi Marina, you may be "over-thinking" this a bit. Your description of how you feel, why you like to dress and act like a woman, etc. are quite typical for many of us. I think it is a case of wanting the "best of both worlds".
The feelings expressed by your spouse are not atypical. There is an opportunity for you to "clear things up a bit". For instance, IMHO, saying that you want to be a woman at times may be a little frightening to her. Perhaps, saying that there are times when you want to look and act like a woman and to be able to maybe experience how it feels to be treated as a woman would be less threatening; especially, since you still have strong feelings about being a man as well.
Semantics or certain words/phrases seem to get in the way of being able to either explain to someone or to have them understand what we are feeling or wanting or needing. How something is said is often more important than what is being said.
Unfortunately, there is no simple "one size fits all" answer. I wish you and your spouse the best.

[msniki48]

First of all you say transgendered, like it's the end of the world. being gender blessed is a good thing. it means you can think and feel way beyond the confines of typical men...your wife should love that....you probably actually know how to listen and to be nurturing in your wifes time of need. And if you're smart you will show her you have good Fashion Sense! so but her something pretty....

as for wanting a vagina....not every transgendered person thinks of being transexual or transitioning....the line between being an alpha male and a total woman is a long one...90 % of us are somewhere in the middle...i tend to be more towards the female side....maybe you are smewhere in the middle towards the mans side....maybe you fluctuate from one side to the other....it is fluid...it is not like a light switch...on or off...think of it as a dimmer switch...you are somewhere in between.

embrace all that you are and console your wife that you are who you are....and you love her. you may find her more accepting and instead of tollerant, possibly more supporting. My wife attends many support meetings with me. Maybe you should... you are not on the streets... being read or embarassed is not the issue...you are in an environment where everyone there is in your shoes, and every SO there is in her shoes.

Marina...slow down....breath....enjoy your time....enjoy your wife.

you are getting way ahead of yourself.:eek:


BY the way: you are a lovely lady.. if you are 1/2 as sincere as you appear your wife can't help but love you. take baby steps.:battingeyelashes:


OHHHHH BTW: the answer to your question is YES to the 1st part...maybe to the second! and you still get to pass Go and collect $200.00


:love:

[WandaRae2009]

You seem to be somewhere in the middle as many of us are. I enjoy being male and also enjoy portraying the "female image". I do not feel I was born in the wrong body. I just enjoy wearing the clothing and appearing as female as possible. I feel wanting to appear as a woman is different that wanting to be one physically. When in drab, out in public, I present 100% male, maybe too much so out of the possibility that someone would suspect my hobby. I wear no jewelry except a wedding ring and a watch. From the other posts I think there are many of us are in the middle.

[frisbee_girl]

I came across a Wikipedia entry the other day on this very topic. I had a lot of the same questions that you're raising. I'm a scientist and learning what the scientific view point is can be comforting to me, regardless of what other people might think about 'diagnosing'. Briefly, here's what I found.

CD'ing is part of what is called "Transvestic fetishism". It typically involves heterosexual men who want to be feminine for a period of time. This can range from underdressing in private to going out fully en femme. The diagnosis has only been described in men and more specifically only in men attracted to women. It's very different than gender identity disorder.

One thing specific to you is the guilt experienced by married men if their spouse has objections to it. Also, this diagnosis is not made unless "it causes significant problems for the person concerned."

So I'd say that the answer to your question is "yes", it is normal/common for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female. In fact, I'd argue that a certain level must be obtained (we have our own levels) or you just feel like another dude in panties. And that kind of breaks the spell. As has been mentioned here, wanting to be 'fully female' is sort of a semantics issue. Obviously that's not going to happen. And you clearly don't want it to happen. (Neither do I... Like you, I enjoy being a man most of the time). For some guys, under-dressing is enough. Others, it is enough to dress from the neck down (where I am right now). And others want to go the full package.

To give you my personal experience, when I dress, I do it by myself at home or at work. At work, under-dressing is enough for me and it's not everyday. At home, underdressing plus boobs and maybe an outfit is enough. I avoid getting my head in the mirror, i.e. see my face, because I'm not really there yet. But even though I don't go the whole nine-yards, for the time I spend in my house walking around, I act as feminine as I possibly can. Of course I still know I'm a guy. But I do the best I can to maintain my femininity because that's the fun part for me.

[slyfox]

Hello Marina,
I am a GG and just joined this site. I know a t-girl and she wanted to be female 24/7 and you don't sound like you want that. I would like to give you my opinion as to why some guys feel compelled to "become" the opposite sex.....whether it is just for a while or permanently....but this is just my opinion. I've read that everyone is female for a short while when they first start out in the womb. Then the male chromosomes take over on some and they are born males. Who is to say that sometimes things just don't go as planned when this change happens? The same thing with females that want to become male. To me, I think it is a gift for a guy to be able to take off the jeans and t-shirt and put on a dress and be able to experience the softer feminine life for a while. You are able to see things in a way that the standard male will never be able to because he does not have your gift. Don't ever be ashamed of it! I found out from my boyfriend's sister that he has always had a desire to dress up but was going to try and put it behind him. I have read enough to know that he will always have that desire. I confronted him about it and told him I would be glad to help him be who he really is and enjoy the other side of life....I only asked that he be honest with me and never keep things from me. That was 6 yrs ago and today his hair is just past his shoulders and well taken care of. He can walk in heels with the best of them and we go out as two women at least twice a month. I should tell you now that he passes extremely well! I actually feel lucky to have him. We are getting married this May and he might not be wearing a wedding dress but you can rest assure he is going to be wearing some very sexy feminine lingerie under that tux! I am sure he will be in the salon the morning of the wedding getting his hair styled nicely too. So Marina, you were born with a gift and you should never feel bad about it.....just try not to look down on the others too much :) .

[gabimartini]

Marina,

Let me share with you my views on this topic. Before I was ready to accept my own "transgenderness", I read a lot on the web. Bear with me as this may run a little long.

Basically, human sexuality and interaction builds upon three prongs:

1. Sex.
This is a binary concept. It means the body you are born with, either male or female.

2. Sexual attraction.
This means to which kind of human being you are attracted to in the sexual arena. Although some people like to elaborate on this, most frequently you find heterosexuals (attracted to the other sex), homosexuals (attracted to the same sex) and bisexuals (attracted to both sexes).

3. Gender.
This is probably the hardest to describe because unlike the first two, this is not based on tangible concepts.

Gender has to do with patterns of behavior deriving from strict gender roles society imposes on people. In the eyes of the general population, sex and gender are the same thing.

So, all individuals must act according to the script that's linked to their sex-at-birh. We have all heard about it. Men need to mate with women, can't cry, wear skirts or lipstick, etc. Likewise, women are expected to mate with men, be fragile, homely, tame, etc.

Now, what happens when a person does not identify with the gender "script" imposed by society?

DISASTER!!!

Social codes do not carry provisions for such people. These individuals quickly become pariahs and are forced to live a life of doubt, shame, self-loathing and recluseness. Worse, they get to wear that dreaded label: TRANSGENDER!!!

I am transgendered, so are you and most people that come to this forum. And it is okay! Really! Transgenderness does not necessarily influence your attitude towards the other prongs! That's right! It only means you don't like to follow those little scripts. You dare to challenge conventions by seeking a temporary transformation. Good for you!

So, is it possible to be male, heterosexual and transgendered? Yep. Really? Really. I am. Gender on its own has nothing to do with sex-at-birth and/or sexual attraction. If you have a penis you are male, nothing will change that. If you are attracted to women only, you are heterosexual. If you like to wear skirts, you are a transgender, end of story.

As for your relationship, sounds like you guys must work on aligning expectations. What do you need as a husband/CDer and what are you willing to offer? Same for her, what does she need as wife/SO, and what is she willing to offer?

Anyway, this has run much longer than I intended, sorry for rambling. Hope it helps in any way. Good luck!

[Melanie R]

Perhaps this is how you can present your dual persona to your wife as I do. As Melanie I enjoy being a woman and always present to the public as a confident woman. As Mel I enjoy being a man and presenting to the public as a successful and confident man. I believe you can be both when you find and live the balance between your masculinity and femininity.

In this segment of a documentary made for national television you can see Mel becoming Melanie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-1c5LPilzA.

Hope this helps.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Leslie Langford]

...in much the same way you do, and as do most of the respondents to your original query so far.

Yes, we all do what we do to try to emulate females to the best of our ability and to experience life the way they do. Part of this is probably rooted in the fundamental differences between boys and girls that we all discovered many years ago as children and were so fascinated by. And perhaps fascinated to a degree where one could almost consider it a case of arrested development and an obsession we just could not let go of.

Our peers during our "Age of Discovery" stage simply accepted the notion that we had penises and could pee standing up, whereas girls were wanting in that department. We liked to play with cars and trucks, roughhouse, participate in highly competitive sports, and get dirty as we wallowed in the dirt pursuing all of these physical activities. Girls, on the other hand, were seen to be more dainty creatures, played with dolls, generally listened to their parents and behaved themselves, and loved to talk and gossip while acting in a much more passive manner than those gruff and uncouth boys that we were.

Our male peers during those early childhood development years simply took those differences as fundamental truths, didn't question them particularly, went on doing their "boy" things, and generally proceeded to ignore girls as being some unfathomable creatures from another planet until the hormones kicked in around puberty and they re-discovered them with a vengeance.

Of course, we budding crossdressers were different in that we questioned these fundamental truisms and couldn't understand why it was O.K. for girls to wear pants and T-shirts as well as skirts and dresses whereas we couldn't, why they could coast through life by just being pretty and flirting to get what they wanted, and could sit back and choose who they wanted to date and let the boys make the first move, while we were the ones to have to make those agonizing first moves and face the humiliating rejection that often led to. Ah, yes, life was so much easier as a girl in our minds, so why not try on their clothes while we're at it just to see what that part feels like, too? And then like in the case of a crack cocaine addict, this act triggers some hidden pleasure receptor deep inside our brains and we are hooked for life.

Yes, this is probably a somewhat simplistic rendition of what goes through most of our minds as embark on our curious journey, but I think it also speaks in some way as to why we have this urge to present as females, emulate them as best we can, and try to experience life like them. Of course, there's also the in-utero hormone wash theory which goes hand-in-hand with this and paves the way for our predisposition to head in this particular direction as we struggle with our gender orientation.

The other side of the coin (and an equally important one) is that we not only want to experience life as a female - we also want to experience how others relate to us and treat us when we are in female mode. I think that this at least holds true for those of us who have taken the plunge and actually gone out in public en femme to see and feel for ourselves how the other half lives. This includes the small niceties that are still extended to women such as holding doors for them, helping them carry heavy objects, and generally treating them as being something special.

I'm sure I speak for many on this forum when I say that as men, we see far less of this type of courtesy and consideration being extended to us than women do, even in this age of supposed gender equality. Instead, we spend our lifetimes fending off the alpha males who try to undermine or push us aside at every turn as they follow their fundamental biological imperative to spread their seed and try to dominate whatever group they happen to be part of. This constant head-butting does get tiresome after a point, and is something that I, personally, can well do without. So yes, the crossdresser part of me would much rather go shopping for a new dress or skirt, get a makeover or have my nails done (i.e. pamper myself as "real" women unapologetically do) rather than enter an extreme sports competition with some testosterone-laden or steroid enhanced uber-male. Or to put it more bluntly, "girl world" is a place of refuge for me (and I suspect for most crossdressers) when we tire of performing the macho "show no emotion", and "boys don't cry/suck-it-up" role that society still tries to impose on us.

That, to me, Marina, is the essence of what it is about crossdressing that appeals to me, and I suspect yourself as well from the way you have described yourself. It is not so much about rejecting our male side as moving beyond it as one would do in exploring another culture beyond what one is born into. Perhaps that is an analogy that your wife could also relate to.

[Frédérique]

My selection of clothing, my desire to be made up, and to wear a wig in particular, hints at my desire to portray a female, to make others or possibly just myself believe I am female for that short time. I think this must be right, because I would be much less happy dressing up without a wig; and a wig is not neccessarily a sexy, fetishistic piece of apparel.So my question is this: Is it normal for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female? For just a few hours only, or does the desire to spend a weekend en femme make me transgendered?

Yes, it’s normal. I don’t know what the criteria are for being transgendered – I don’t really think about it. The fact that I’m here, on this forum, among all types of TG members, and able to communicate with others on themes we know (and share) through experience, makes me transgendered by association. Heterosexual or not, I wish to "be" or at least look fully female on a daily basis – this is my “normal,� and I can’t live without it…

BTW, I think wigs can be fetish objects – it all depends how you feel about it. If you worship the female, the wig may be the most important part of one’s “kit.� :battingeyelashes:

[charlie]

Hello Marina!
I too have all the "abnormal" comments about CD from my wife. Right down to the comment that it has affected how she sees me and thinks about our marriage. Obviously, society does not think we are "normal", we are viewed as really, really abnormal. Our wives concur. Like you I do not want to have a sex change, I want to remain with my wife ...as her husband, and I do like to go out dressed to the nines and feel like a lady when I can. Normal....can't say, but it is me!

[sonia_dargency]

Is it normal for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female? For just a few hours only, or does the desire to spend a weekend en femme make me transgendered?


Short answer: Yes

Longer answer: Labels are convenient for jars but not for people. Reality is more blurry.

If you try to fit in a category, you will have to leave out parts of you that don't match the definitions. that's why you don't know where to fit.

The real questions would rather be: do you enjoy yourself? does all this make you a better person? does your wife and marriage benefit from it? do you fulfill her needs and desires? do you balance things out so everyone benefits from it?

A good bottle of wine is neither expensive, from a good vintage, from France, or contains specific grapes - a good bottle of wine is an empty bottle of wine! it's the one you enjoyed.

[sterling12]

I think you have part of The Answer already, and The Rest of it is a matter of semantics.

Yes there is a "Spectrum" of Trans Behavior(s). Nobody is "cemented" in place. We are constantly moving around on that spectrum, and it certainly doesn't mean that any movements are permanent.

And, I think you and your wife are perhaps misunderstanding two terms. Transgender and Transsexual are two different things. Probably all of us are "Transgendered." The common definition these days describes "The Girl within us." If you believe at any time that there is a separate persona from your male self, and "she's inside there," voilÃ*! Your Transgendered.

To be Transsexual, by common definition means that you have a desire to change your outward appearance to The Opposite Sex by means of Hormones, Surgery, Hair Removal, and many other more or less Permanent Practices. Most folks would define "A Transsexual" as at least having BEGUN The Process. So an Example? If you are currently taking Estrogen, that would be a " recognized symbol" of your becoming a Transsexual.

In other words, you can be Transgendered and Transsexual, but you can also be Transgendered and NOT a Transsexual.

Simple Answer for your wife....If your not going to grow a set of breasts, tell her your not! Go find a description of a Transsexual somewhere on The Net. go over the Criteria, and let her figure out that you don't fit The Parameters. If she convinces herself, it works out better for you.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Joanne f]

Personally i think that there is a big difference between a cross dresser who just wears the clothes to a cross dresser who wants to go all the way of acting, looking and thinking like a female, and the longer you want to do it the more TG you are , so i would say ,yes you are TG (in my opinion).

[audreyinalbany]

marina...
whew..sure does sound familiar. I think most of us have wives who 'don't get it.' I'm not sure that I myself 'get it.' There is this ongoing tension between wanting to dress and present as female and knowing deep down that I LOVE being a guy. I love being a husband and being a dad; but it sure feels good to get girly every once in awhile. Whether or not that means I'm 'transgendered,' I don't know. I guess if 'transgendered' means 'genderfelxible,' then I'm okay with that. I agree that labels don't help much and you shouldn't beat yourself up over whether or not you're a 'crossdresser,' a 'transvestite,' or 'transgendered.' Bottom line is: you are who you are and, although it can be difficult to accept ( sometimes wish I didn't have this desire to cross dress...life would be so much simpler.)

[Byanca]

So my question is this: Is it normal for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female? For just a few hours only, or does the desire to spend a weekend en femme make me transgendered?

Well sweetie. When you have done your weekend, you would like a week, a month, then a year and so fourth. This is perfectly normal and applies to things that make us feel nice about ourself.

[Danielle76]

I think it's not at all necessarily homosexual. I am completely a fetish cd, and I've definitely, at times, wanted to literally be female. At the times I'm thinking that, I'm getting turned on by the thought of a woman's body, and her clothing, and ...being that woman. I would LOVE to be a woman and pleasure myself in lingerie, and have sex with another woman...so in short, at times I wish I was a lesbian! Nothing man-on-man homosexual about that! I get these desires because women turn me on so damn much!

[Rianna Humble]

I think you have part of The Answer already, and The Rest of it is a matter of semantics.

Yes there is a "Spectrum" of Trans Behavior(s). Nobody is "cemented" in place. We are constantly moving around on that spectrum, and it certainly doesn't mean that any movements are permanent.

And, I think you and your wife are perhaps misunderstanding two terms. Transgender and Transsexual are two different things. Probably all of us are "Transgendered." The common definition these days describes "The Girl within us." If you believe at any time that there is a separate persona from your male self, and "she's inside there," voilÃ*! Your Transgendered.

To be Transsexual, by common definition means that you have a desire to change your outward appearance to The Opposite Sex by means of Hormones, Surgery, Hair Removal, and many other more or less Permanent Practices. Most folks would define "A Transsexual" as at least having BEGUN The Process. So an Example? If you are currently taking Estrogen, that would be a " recognized symbol" of your becoming a Transsexual.

In other words, you can be Transgendered and Transsexual, but you can also be Transgendered and NOT a Transsexual.

Simple Answer for your wife....If your not going to grow a set of breasts, tell her your not! Go find a description of a Transsexual somewhere on The Net. go over the Criteria, and let her figure out that you don't fit The Parameters. If she convinces herself, it works out better for you.

Peace and Love, Joanie

:iagree: Joanie has said it better than I could, but I'll still add my :2c:

For me, the fact that you like to behave as a woman occasionally says that you are transgendered. Is that the end of the world? No. Does that mean that you are transsexual? No.

It is easy to become worried about words and labels, but to me a transgendered person is one whose nature transcends the normal binary gender stereotyping.

Your post makes it quite clear that you see yourself as a male for the majority of the time and you have no desire to change your body to take on the physical characteristics of a woman.

So can you be male, heterosexual and transgendered? Absolutely! They are three different things.

[jenacd]

Yes
I Have been talking to a very experienced gender therapist.We have become good friends.He has been practicing in the field for over 25 yrs mostly with transgendered patient.About 5 years ago he started a study with crossdressers and I agreed to talk with him and answer all his questions with full honesty but wanted all the findings from the study.To make a long story short YES IT IS POSSIBILE.And is quite common.Hope this helps I know how what you are going thru I am in the same place you are.Good luck

[Karen564]

Plain & simple answer, if there is such a thing, I'd say your a cross dresser, but to be a cross dresser one must have transgendered feelings at some level or they would not cross dress for pleasure of it.
So yes, your a transgendered Cross dresser.....just go with that....Enjoy!

Just thank your lucky stars your not a transsexual......I wish I wasn't, but I am & hate being classified as a transsexual....it sounds so dirty..But it is what it is..

:hugs:

[sherri52]

The obvious answer is yes. It is normal. We can be males all day long and at the end of that day, week, or month we wish to be as feminine as possible. Sometimes being a man puts a hard shell on us that we don't want. Not everyone wants to watch the football game or go to the pub for a half dozen beers. We like to think that there is more and for those of us here we have found it in dressing. There are many stages in dressing and it does not always mean that we will always progress into another stage. Some of us have been dressing for 50 yrs and still only have heterosexual thoughts. Your wife has married a man and although he likes to dress as a woman he is still the man she married. At least to the best of the knowledge I see here.

[Sandy Banks]

Beats me, but I pretty much feel just about the same way you feel.:2c:

[Jaydee]

Marina,
You have very accurately described my life since coming out to my wife about six months ago. Like you, I am a hetero-crossdresser. My needs are currently satisfied by wearing the clothes, without makeup, wigs, or breastforms (I have my own).

While working on tolerance, she is working through the same issues as your wife. She can understand fetishism easier than anything approaching transgenderism. She says she sees it as an addiction caused by my early life (that's another story). She fears the loss of her "strong Man", and is strongly bothered by the possibility of my being part "female". I can see that I am diminished in her eyes. This hurts me because I am the same person. Trying to ease her discomfort, I have lately been trying to downplay anything that would smack of being transgendered. I am hoping this is only temporary and that she will eventually see that I am the same person I always was.

Good Luck to you and your wife,

Jaydee

[ReineD]

So my question is this: Is it normal for a heterosexual crossdresser to temporarily desire to be fully female? For just a few hours only, or does the desire to spend a weekend en femme make me transgendered?

I have to figure this out.

It is confusing. :)

Transgendered is an umbrella term encompassing all gender variant identification, the key word being identification and not CDing for purely erotic interest, as you pointed out. I've noticed that some members here see the terms TG and TS as being interchangeable. They are not. And since our community does include everyone, I can see where folks can get the impression that if a CDer identifies as female to any degree, then he somehow crosses the perceived CD/TS line.

When your wife refers to the term TG, does she confuse it with TS? Perhaps it would be easier for her to think of you in terms of being bi-gendered?

None of these terms perfectly describe who anyone is, what they want, and where they are headed. They are just guidelines used to begin to communicate where someone may be. So it is important to engage in frequent discussions with your wife about what this all means to you, even if they may seem repetitive. It is very difficult for anyone who is not TG to understand any of this.

Getting back to your wife though, I would also feel concerned if my SO wanted an entire weekend being femme without me. I would wonder why she wouldn't want me along.

Even though we all know that sexual preference is not tied to gender identification, it is difficult to separate gender identification from sexuality. We are all fundamentally sexual beings. This is why I am not surprised when CDs who do not dress purely for erotic reasons are bi-curious when dressed. There is also a process of self-discovery that enables TGs to discover who they are sexually over time, as they free themselves from the social conditioning of their childhoods. I mention this because I wonder if this is one of the things your wife is struggles with.
:hugs:

[Madilyn A.]

Marina, I am older than you and have had all the same feelings and situations with my wife. The last few years my desire to be female, has increased significantly. I am still in a quandry. I have a wife, children and grandchildren. I choose to remain in the closet except for my wife who buys me beautiful dresses, high heels, stockins, make up; however is very cold to me when I am dressed. I am confused as well, however my feelings are that I am definitely transgendered and not just a cross dresser. My guess is you are as well..........Hugs, Madilyn