Forward, backward, forward, backward...getting nauseous!

[DiannaRose]

Somebody pass me the Dramamine!

My wife returned this morning from a night away last night. Remember she's going through some soul-searching of her own that's causing her some anxiety, which of course means she doesn't have the energy to cope with my "problem" as well as we'd both like.

I took advantage of her absence late last night--after the kids were well asleep--to experiment with makeup. I'm almost there, but there are still some pieces of the puzzle missing, and I don't have a lot of opportunities to experiment. I spent an hour trying different things--though my black eye-liner broke and I didn't have another one, but that's neither here nor there. :(

I was very careful about removing all traces of makeup, but that darn mascara can be quite tenacious. Apparently, I missed some. Just the tiniest two or three flecks.

So my wife and I are lying on the bed, glasses off, as close as you are now to this computer screen. Close enough to spot those minuscule specks.

"Have you been wearing mascara?" she asks me.

Busted!

Now, in the past when she asked this I denied it, made excuses--in short, lied my tail off, because I knew the truth would upset her. My therapist told me last week that I needed to express myself to her a little more, since burying and hiding was causing me depression and anxiety of my own. (I hear you...Yes, it's obvious. Yes, anyone knows that'll happen. And yes, I've always had a problem expressing myself around her, mostly because she takes "bad" news...well, badly.) My therapist says I need to expect the bad reaction sometimes, but not hold myself in just because of it.

So this time I braced myself, and admitted I'd been experimenting with makeup late last night. This bothered her, as I knew it would. The panic attack did come, but was thankfully pretty mild compared to some of hers. I talked her through it, reassured her that my kids were not likely to discover it, I don't do it when they're awake, etc. She hates it, hates it, hates it, wants nothing to do with it, feels betrayed because I had promised her she'd never have to see it, and of course she points out that she just did. Makes me promise again to never bring it into the house, which for me boils down to "So when will I be able to dress/do makeup/etc. then?" There is no answer to this right now, and I haven't put it into those words to her yet. That's coming soon, though, I think.

So a step forward for me, leading to a step backward for her, leading to a step backward for me.

Later, after tears and fears and confusion (remember she's learning things about herself as well during all this, unrelated to me, which she fully admits would be marriage killers were the roles reversed, but she can't help that), she again tells me she loves me (same as I tell her, 'cause it's true), and that we'll eventually find a happy medium--for both of us, she adds. I almost think she believes it this time.

So a step forward again for her.

I'm pretty nauseous from all the see-sawing, and alternating between feelings of small hope and giant despair. The things I want are so small--in my mind--compared to the things I'm letting her explore, but to her they're huge and potentially relationship-ending.

I don't know whether we ended up with a net result of a little forward progress or backward. I do know I'm feeling queasy in my soul from the ups and down and backs and forths. Somebody get me a barf bag! :)

[msniki48]

Dianna

it is truly an emotional roller coaster...i am with you 100%. i've been on a downward slide...just hit what i hope is bottom and i'm just getting started being me again...my heart goes out to you


hugs

[Gillian]

Oh Dianna, I feel for you I truly do, this will be hell on legs for you, but hang in there stay strong as it sounds like you are making a little headway.

Best of luck.

[AllieSF]

Thanks for the nice informative post. Since every situation has it differences, yours is a nice addition to the ton of useful information available on this site. It sounds like your wife has some issues which she is trying to resolve with your help. I did read some very positive reasons to hope for a brighter future for you. Just keep up the good communication, honesty and openness with her. I think that a lot of people, and I am sure I have done this in the past too in previous relationships, are afraid to say anything and tend to bury their own heads in the sand so as not to rock the unstable boat. However, if we do not openly explain our issues, how can we expect our partners to understand and learn to deal with them. I wish you the best of luck and thanks again for sharing.

[Sandra]

This must be just as hard on your wife as it is for you, hopefully with communaction things may start to get better and that some boundaries can be set that will suit you both.

[JenniferR771]

I am with you . Similar situation to mine. She hates it. But I keep pushing the idea. Now i have 8 dresses in my closet (semi hidden in garment bags). She gets angry at times. Spots makeup at times. Stay tuned. Give her the love she needs--and the space to enjoy it.

[DiannaRose]

This must be just as hard on your wife as it is for you, hopefully with communaction things may start to get better and that some boundaries can be set that will suit you both.

I'm hoping. I think this is where some of my frustrations come from. We've never been able to talk any of it out, so we've never been able to actually set the boundaries.

I'm getting better about talking with her about it though. I hate that it hurts her so much and so easily, but it's necessary pain, I think.

Thanks for your support and positive comments, ladies! They mean the world to me! :)

[Moe GG]

Have you tried getting counseling together?

I do understand that she has plenty to deal with and isn't handling it very well from your post, but there are two of you in that relationship, you need to be heard as well. Continue being honest and communicating, even if it's difficult for her to deal with at times.. Don't give up. It'd be much worse if you kept holding back and weren't being true to yourself, or her.

I wouldn't push it too much if I were you, but you do need some answers before you can move forward and possibly be of more help to her. Not knowing is a killer, and you're not asking for much from what I could tell. Baby-steps, love.. And keep us all posted, use us as your support group, keep venting. Just hang in there.

[VanessaVW]

I'm hoping. I think this is where some of my frustrations come from. We've never been able to talk any of it out, so we've never been able to actually set the boundaries.

I'm getting better about talking with her about it though. I hate that it hurts her so much and so easily, but it's necessary pain, I think.

Thanks for your support and positive comments, ladies! They mean the world to me! :)

Always remember that you have many supportive friends here. We're with you! Hope things can work out a little better for you and your wife.

Vanessa

[DiannaRose]

Moe, we are in counseling, and she's seeing another counselor on her own, too. Our couples counselor is a woman who has been working with the LGBT community for two decades. She's helped *many* couples dealing with TG issues...with much success.

My wife had a hard young-adulthood, which manifests itself now in a number of anxieties. We're working on them. I'm taking the babiest of the baby steps I can...so small I often feel I'm going backward. I'm trying not to push her at all, not even the slightest. The toughest part is realizing that she may end up not able to give me any of what I need. The thought of that creeps in every once in a while and drops me right through the bottom of the world. If have to fight to push the possibility out of my head, but it always comes back.

And believe me, ladies...I couldn't do this at all if it wasn't for you. I know you understand the need for venting and I know you don't mind. And I so love and value and need your support. I rely on it. :)

[sherri52]

Sounds like you two ended up a step forward. That's a good sign.

[Moe GG]

Moe, we are in counseling, and she's seeing another counselor on her own, too. Our couples counselor is a woman who has been working with the LGBT community for two decades. She's helped *many* couples dealing with TG issues...with much success.

My wife had a hard young-adulthood, which manifests itself now in a number of anxieties. We're working on them. I'm taking the babiest of the baby steps I can...so small I often feel I'm going backward. I'm trying not to push her at all, not even the slightest. The toughest part is realizing that she may end up not able to give me any of what I need. The thought of that creeps in every once in a while and drops me right through the bottom of the world. If have to fight to push the possibility out of my head, but it always comes back.

And believe me, ladies...I couldn't do this at all if it wasn't for you. I know you understand the need for venting and I know you don't mind. And I so love and value and need your support. I rely on it. :)


Just keep in mind that you deserve to be happy.. Don't betray yourself by settling to save her from harm.. How are you supposed to have a well-functioning, happy marriage if you're suppressed and miserable?

It's obvious that you love her very much and that you want what's best for her, but you've hopefully got a long life ahead of you, love... If you can't find middle ground in the end, then maybe sticking together isn't for the best, for either of you.. But that seems far away now, you've still got a long struggle ahead of you. Both of you.

May I ask how old the kids involved are?

[abigailf]

Perseverance and indomitable spirit (ironically are the two things I learned most in four years of martial arts training).

Don’t let your spirit break, you are a wonderful woman. And for loves sake, stay in there and continue to work with your wife.

Your story made me realize that I was once again distancing myself from my wife, time for another talk. Thank you.

If you ever need to talk, I am here as is everyone else in this forum I am sure.

[Frédérique]

Later, after tears and fears and confusion (remember she's learning things about herself as well during all this, unrelated to me, which she fully admits would be marriage killers were the roles reversed, but she can't help that), she again tells me she loves me (same as I tell her, 'cause it's true), and that we'll eventually find a happy medium--for both of us, she adds. I almost think she believes it this time.
I'm pretty nauseous from all the see-sawing, and alternating between feelings of small hope and giant despair.

I was in a similar relationship, but I wasn’t married. Bear with me, now. My girlfriend (SO at the time) was off “exploring” while I tried to remain calm. She kept telling me she loved me (still does) while she kept me in the dark. One day she decided to tell me about her increasingly destructive activities, asking me to weather the “storm” until it passed. She compared herself to a roller-coaster, expecting me to hang on for dear life, but I get motion-sick very easily. I stuck by her for a while, but she used every one of my weaknesses (like my crossdressing, which she knew about) as a reason to pull away from me more and more. We soon parted, and put half the country between us. We still see each other from time to time, and she still tells me she loves me – she even calls me her “soul-mate” on occasion, even though that seems like a cruel joke at this point in time…:straightface:

[ReineD]

she again tells me she loves me (same as I tell her, 'cause it's true), and that we'll eventually find a happy medium--for both of us, she adds. I almost think she believes it this time.

The trick is to look at the big picture and measure the overall gain over time, while expecting the occasional dips as par for the course. And I agree that when the dips happen, they are setbacks for both you and your wife at the same time. There is no such thing as a gain for you and a loss for her, or vice versa, if the status quo makes you both unhappy. You both lose when this happens.

But before you know it, you and your wife will look back years from now and be amazed at the progress you've made together. :)

[DiannaRose]

May I ask how old the kids involved are?

15 and 9. They will NOT know about me, if we can help it. My wife is afraid they'll find out even after they're adults...which shows how much she's afraid of this thing right now.


Perseverance and indomitable spirit (ironically are the two things I learned most in four years of martial arts training).

Don’t let your spirit break, you are a wonderful woman. And for loves sake, stay in there and continue to work with your wife.

Your story made me realize that I was once again distancing myself from my wife, time for another talk. Thank you.

If you ever need to talk, I am here as is everyone else in this forum I am sure.

Thanks, Abigail. I'm always touched by how supportive my sisters are, but then we all "get" the need for support. I love you all. :)

And I'm glad I made you realize your need to reconnect with your wife. I'm always amazed at the ways my Parent uses me to help others, even in the midst of my own pain. Hope the reconnection makes your marriage even stronger! :)


But before you know it, you and your wife will look back years from now and be amazed at the progress you've made together. :)

From your lips, Reine! :)

This is the one hope that keeps me going when all else is missing. Even one of today's bible verses talked about persevering in the midst of the trials. Thanks for strengthening that in me, all of you. :)

You gals are the best! <3

[kimdl93]

It sounds as though you've experienced real life to the extreme. I don't know what's going on in your wife's life, but those external factors probably contribute to the emotional rollercoaster as much or more than your cross dressing. Is there any way you can help her with those issues?

Either way, you can expect more such episodes, but maybe the amplitude of each will dampen a bit.

[DiannaRose]

It sounds as though you've experienced real life to the extreme. I don't know what's going on in your wife's life, but those external factors probably contribute to the emotional rollercoaster as much or more than your cross dressing. Is there any way you can help her with those issues?

Either way, you can expect more such episodes, but maybe the amplitude of each will dampen a bit.

Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes! :)

We're getting her through her issues, with the help of our couples counselor and her regular counselor, with patience, love, compassion and understanding--and God's grace. I do see her anxiety settling some. Her more recent attacks have been less frequent as well as less intense.

We're still committed to each other and to working out these bumps in our relationship. It's just hard to be patient sometimes. For both of us. :)

[Jason+]

Makes me promise again to never bring it into the house, which for me boils down to "So when will I be able to dress/do makeup/etc. then?"

Dianna,

My heart goes out to you and your wife. My parents asked a similar promise of me when I was 12. With one horribly guilty exception I kept it. Unfortunately as we are both over 18 I can't recommend hiding your things in an abandoned house across town.

I empathize with you, it's hard to watch ground that was won painfully and at a cost erode away in front of you. I hope you and your wife both make it through the issues.

[Rianna Humble]

Chicklet, I'm so sorry I didn't see this thread sooner.

I know how hard this is for you, but I also know how much you love your wife and want her to be happy and whole again.

I'm really pleased that the panic lasted less time than before and that she ended up by expressing her love for you. Its almost like you are doing an emotional ballroom dance - one step forward, one to the side, one back and start again - but remember the dancers do progress across the dance floor.

Others have already reminded you that you deserve to be happy too and in fact cannot make your relationship truly work if your needs are not also met.

For now, just suck on those travel pills, and think how much better this went than only a few weeks ago. You are a beautiful person and you do deserve to be happy.

[SuzanneBender]

Dianna unlike the rest of the gals on the site I am going to say congradultations.

I love your analogy of the ship and a barf bag. Marriage is a beautiful thing, like a cruise, but some times the waters can get a little rough and then that darn 6 course meal doesn't seem like as great an idea as it did when you were ordering it.

Ok now you are thinking Suzanne has lost her marbles. Why did she congradulate me and then further my analogy to seasickness. That's easy! Try to follow the inner workings of my blonde brain here.

You are moving forward. Acceptance, especially given your wife's difficult situation, is not an overnight thing. We owe it to our loved ones to give them as long to accept us as it took us to accept ourselves. Forward movement. No matter how choppy and bouncy is a good thing. It is kind of like when I taught my daughter to drive a stick. I wanted to jump out of the car and yell at her as she was popping the clutch and making my bug bunny hop down the street. It is such a simple concept and for the life of me I couldn't understand why she didn't get it. However, I knew it would take time. I showed patience and now she drives like Danica Patrick.

Stick with it lady. Three steps forward and two steps back still equals a step forward. :hugs:

[sonia_dargency]

Dianna, I feel for you, but hang on and keep looking at the big picture and keep your ultimate goal in sight.

as for me, I am far from the roller coaster: the answer is NO, NEVER, NO WAY...
the ride is not even moving. the rare hints to CD are killed off right before the start with "I will NEVER accept this side of you!" period. There is not even a conversation.

but I put my money where my mouth is and follow my own advice:
hang on and keep looking at the big picture and keep the ultimate goal in sight.

I wish you the best, seems that things are moving since I follow your posts.

[Peri Bender]

Diane,

I have known for one month. I have been on that emotional roller coaster that seems to stop when it is up-side down. I have come a long way in one month. My feelings at first were about protecting myself from her. Now, we are going to buy a free standing closet to put in the basement, our closet is not big enough for all our cloths. We are going to assembly it together, then she will unpack her clothes her self. We will have a lock on it so the kids do not find it. We both will have the combination to the lock so I feel like I can look when I am ready and it is not being hidden from me. As we talked about this last night, neither of us are ready to meet face to face yet.

I still have a ways to go but from where I was on February 16th to today, March 19th but look forward to where the road leads us.

One day at a time...

[minalost]

Speaking as someone in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship, almost any communication is foreward movement. Keep talking!
:hugs: