Leaving the closet as a parent?

[TG_Nicole]

So what a weekend. For the longest time I've lied to myself about who i am. I'm not really TG i just dress up for sex that's all. Or its just a once in a while thing. After all i have a 4 year old daughter i can't exactly dress up around her. Well long story short I've come out to ... myself this weekend. And my wife too whose response was essentially its about time.

Lemme explain my wife has known for many years i like dressing up. And i am so blessed because she completely supports me in it. Likes helping me do my makeup loves going out with Nicole. But i admitted to myself and her that if i could i would be Nicole 24/7. SO I've decided for now anyway that anytime our daughter is gone I will live as Nicole.

Now for the problem. It's just not enough. Even now after some great times dressing up i want to be her again. I keep thinking if only i didn't have a kid. What a terrible thought i love my daughter. I would do anything for her. I just don't know how to introduce my daughter to Nicole.

So any parents out there what do you do? I really don't want to stay in the closet with this. I want to be out and proud. Which eventually means telling my family. That thought is terrifying all though i have now come out to several friends successfully. Honestly if my daughter saw me dressed now shed probably think daddy was playing a joke. All she would probably say is daddy looks silly or daddy looks pretty. But what happens when daddy's pretty clothes slips out too my family.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Nicole,

First off, I love your choice in names.. :battingeyelashes:

Your issues has been the subject of several documentaries in which the male parent transitioned with young children in the family. I believe I saw these programs on either the LOGO channel or one of the news channels like CNN or MSNBC. The programs showed that children can learn to accept change in parents and eventually become accustom to it.

If memory serves me correctly, one of the programs was titled "My Two Mommies" or something like that. You can probably do a search of these channels to determine if any of these programs will be shown again.

Since this is also a very personal question, and involves the welfare of a child, you and your wife might want to seek the advice and guidance of a family counselor before deciding how to proceed. Since each child is different, this counseling will ensure that no harm comes to your daughter.

[kimdl93]

Talk with your wife first and see what she thinks about it. If she feels its better to limit this, I'd respect her wishes. On the other hand if she thinks "its about time" for dressing while at home, she may also feel that the time may be coming to introduce yourself to your daughter.

[Nicole Erin]

Another Nicole replies, well even tho I am more of an Erin :D

So about having a kid - Well if you do dress around her, just don't treat it like it is a secret or big deal. I mean don't be like "this is a secret", just act like nothing is happening. Well of course make sure you are dressed appropriately and all. Handled this way, she probably wouldn't think anything of it.
At 4 years old, they don't know what is suppose to be right or wrong or "normal" yet.

See my kid knows and had seen me dressed when he was younger and he never said , "daddy has the same dress" to anyone.

[TG_Nicole]

Well as far as my wife she wished i was more out lol. We talked about it earlier but thought it was best to hide it from her for now to avoid the daddy's dresses comments from coming up. She doesn't want to feel like she is oppressing me. But wants to do what will help em the best. At my daughter's age I'm less worried about her well being seeing daddy as Nicole. We really want to raise a non judgmental daughter who won't treat people different for there gender or sexuality. I guess i just have to be more comfortable with Nicole being out before i introduce her to my daughter.

[kimdl93]

yup, you need to be comfortable with yourself first, Nicole.

[carrie-ann]

I'm 24/7 now I wished I would have been able to come out 40 years ago. I wished I would have involved my daughter at a young age. So she could learned more about being non judgemental about all types of people tg's and so forth. You all have the opertunity to go where ever you can all go on with your lives to live it the way you want too. Keep in mnd what every one of you are going to go through. It's a long road but well worth it if this is what you want to do. Congrats on how far you have come so fare.

[Rachel Morley]

If it were me I wouldn't say anything. You can never be sure that she won't want to tell other family members about daddy's pretty dresses .... that is unless you were to come out to your whole family, which of course might be going to far for you .. it would be for me.

[AmandaM]

If it were me I wouldn't say anything. You can never be sure that she won't want to tell other family members about daddy's pretty dresses .... that is unless you were to come out to your whole family, which of course might be going to far for you .. it would be for me.

I agree. Another thread talks about bringing it all out in the open, everyone's happy, daddy is accepted, etc., etc. That's BS. You may be open in your family, but your kid still has to go out in society and deal with the snickers, rude comments, she'll feel she has a dirty secret cause people will make her feel that way. No matter how enlightened you are, your kid will suffer in the outside world. So, keep it low-key, until they are older, when they can be strong enough to deal with the outside world.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

I agree. Another thread talks about bringing it all out in the open, everyone's happy, daddy is accepted, etc., etc. That's BS. You may be open in your family, but your kid still has to go out in society and deal with the snickers, rude comments, she'll feel she has a dirty secret cause people will make her feel that way. No matter how enlightened you are, your kid will suffer in the outside world. So, keep it low-key, until they are older, when they can be strong enough to deal with the outside world.
That has to be absolutely the worst thing that you could possibly do, and the best way to alienate your children in the long term. It is on par with failing to tell a partner. It is a lie of omission. The only way your child will suffer in the outside world is if you create the circumstances for it, usually by creating the self-fulfilling prophecy that it will be a problem.

Like partners, if you hide your crossdressing from children, they will be more upset when they do find out, because you have hidden it from them for all that time.

There are 3 broad stages of life when you can tell a child about your crossdressing:

1. Childhood. They accept you as you are, because they understand that that is who you are. You risk being outed by them because they may say something without meaning to. As long as they don't see it as a big bad secret, they will be comfortable with it. Even if they find it amusing when they first see you, they will come to accept it as a normal part of life after that initial phase.

2. Puberty. During puberty, a child is trying to deal with their own emotional issues. The worst thing that you can possibly do is dump your own issues on them during this troubling time. The probability of a child completely rejecting you is quite high, but they may eventually accept you after several years.

3. Adulthood. Not as bad as during puberty, because they don't have as many issues of their own to deal with, but the lie of omission of not telling them sooner is much worse. They will feel betrayed because you didn't trust them with an important part of who you are. Reactions are generally on par with telling a wife after 20+ years.

All in all, the best time to let your child know about you being a crossdresser is now. The younger they are, the more accepting they will be. The longer you delay, the worse it will be. Ditto for a wife or partner who has been kept in the dark.

[TG_Nicole]

I think i just should do it and face whatever happens. I mean I'm realizing i can't hide this forever. I agree that having a tg daddy will be hard on her. But having an unhappy dad who is hiding the truth is worse. I still think about how my parents tried to tell me to abstain from sex before marriage and then how devastated i was to find out they didn't. Anyway not sure when i will but i prolly should.

[Froggy's Angel]

AliceJane, I just wanted to say I agree with you.
Before we ever considered talking about Nicoles cross dressing or gender identity, it was VERY important to me that I raised a child that was going to be excepting of everyone.
For a couple of years now I have been telling her as often as I can that some kids have two mommies, some kids have two dadies, some kids only have one mom or dad, but all of them are lucky because they have a mom and/or a dad that loves them.
I also tell her that when she is a grown up and IF she wants to get married she can marry anyone she wants as long as they make her happy.
I try and talk about race also, mentioning that even if someone has a different color skin from her they are the same in that they can play the same games and that she can still love them and be friends with them.
And I have told her that I, before I met her daddy, liked to kiss boys and girls, but now I just kiss daddy :)

I think it is very important to teach all of this as early as possible.
I am glad that Nicole and I have a chance to teach her about transgendered people as well.

[Satrana]

1. Childhood. They accept you as you are, because they understand that that is who you are. You risk being outed by them because they may say something without meaning to. As long as they don't see it as a big bad secret, they will be comfortable with it. Even if they find it amusing when they first see you, they will come to accept it as a normal part of life after that initial phase.

2. Puberty. During puberty, a child is trying to deal with their own emotional issues. The worst thing that you can possibly do is dump your own issues on them during this troubling time. The probability of a child completely rejecting you is quite high, but they may eventually accept you after several years.

3. Adulthood. Not as bad as during puberty, because they don't have as many issues of their own to deal with, but the lie of omission of not telling them sooner is much worse. They will feel betrayed because you didn't trust them with an important part of who you are. Reactions are generally on par with telling a wife after 20+ years.


That is a great summation and I agree entirely. Tell your kids before the teens, the earlier the better. But if you want to keep the issue a private family matter then probably 8-10 years of age would be optimal because they will better understand the need for discretion.

Definitely avoid telling them as teenagers. That is a very selfish thing to do as they are under intense peer pressure to fit in and finding out about a TG parent would crush them.

Whenever you tell them, the most important thing is to avoid making them feel guilty or uncomfortable. Take it slowly and keep the communication going so you can gauge their thoughts and emotions.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

But if you want to keep the issue a private family matter then probably 8-10 years of age would be optimal because they will better understand the need for discretion.
I'd actually suggest the opposite. If they know before they are 1yo, they will more easily develop an understanding that it's not something that all dads do, and decide for themselves that they don't want to mention it to others. It becomes part of the background.

By age 8, they have many friends at school and a new piece of information is news to tell others. The more secret they think it is, the more the burning desire to tell someone. Telling an 8 to 10yo child that is it a big secret that they must not tell anybody is about the most effective way of guaranteeing that the secret will get out.

[Froggy's Angel]

Not only that, but having a daughter, I do not want her keeping secrets!
What if I am telling her to keep secrets and then a child molester tells her to keep something a secret....
How is she supposed to differentiate between good and bad secrets, to me secrets are bad, especially for children, just my opinion.

[Satrana]

Telling an 8 to 10yo child that is it a big secret that they must not tell anybody is about the most effective way of guaranteeing that the secret will get out.

I understand and agree with the philosophy that if you bring them up early projecting this is normal then this is best way and they will not be under pressure to keep a secret. But each family would have to weigh this preferred situation with the consequences of the secret becoming public knowledge. Everyone will have a different cost/benefit analysis.

I do not agree however that 8-10 year olds are more likely to spill the beans. At that age they are old enough to understand the ramifications of their actions. So if you tell them that Daddy will lose his job if they tell others then it is very unlikely they will say anything. On the other hand a younger child will more likely let it slip unintentionally since it does not understand the ramifications.

The important issue is that the child is OK with crossdressing and feels no guilt or anxiety about daddy expressing himself in this way.

Most families have secrets which children are asked to keep. We are not asking them to do anything usual here just because the secret is still considered taboo by society. Most children have no problems keeping family secrets so long as the family bonds are close. If the family relationships are strained then the secret is more likely to be considered a burden and the child will likely want to confide in another.

[Angel.Marie76]

I have a 12yr old boy myself, and he and I are working through my transition into F/T life one day at a time. As others have said, coming out at the puberty stage of a child's life is definitely one of the harder times to do such a transition, as they are already wracking their brains trying to deal with their own changes.

I will tell you that, from what my therapist tells me, the younger you can come out to your children the better. Folks are right though, when you start coming out to a young child, you WANT them to be expressive and talkabout everything, so they WILL bring up fact of your dressing with others because they think it's a normal thing to do so.. and that's what you WANT.. you want normality. If you child perceives you as gender fluid at the least, then you have a FAR more accepting chance at living your life F/T as whatever presentation you choose, regardless.

Unfortunately though, reality can and is generally a b!tch, so for your child to go to school at some point and know of her father's tendencies to cross dress will likely draw criticizm from all her peers. She will need the internal strength and show of support from EVERYONE around her so that she can feel that there's no reason to reject this unsusal /you/.

In my case, I've been coming out more and more as trans, and the more people that I tell, seemingly the more support I get from anyone that I would consider a friend. Further, many people who know my son also know that HE needs the support as much as I do, and they're also helping with that as well. Lastly though, especially as you continue to come out, you must be preparred for perhaps the need to uproot yourself quickly and MOVE to a new region, to escape criticizms from those that will just refuse to understand. Unfortunately, there's little we can do to positively bolster their opinions of us, and we must continue to live with teh choices that we have made. This may include 'starting over' again in your life if necessary.

Just be honest, loving, and caring, and remember the most basic things in a childs life: All children have needs:

-A need for security
-a need to feel significant
-a need to feel strong (or strong willed, , etc)
-and most of all, they need to FEEL loved.

If you can give those most basic needs, you're left with, really, the more complicated things to work out over time. Be there for your child, the rest WILL fall into place... eventually. ;)

[sherri52]

If your thinking of going 24/7 anyway who cares. Let your daughter know and try to have her keep it a secret. If she does your fine if not then people will kow a little sooner than you anticipated.