What does it really mean to be fem?

[sherri]

I confess that I don't often visit the Transmen section of this forum, but I spotted this interesting thread today ...

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122193

... and came across this great post ...


Let me assure you that you don't have to be FTM to hear about not really being a man. Everyone who was born with a pens has to put up with that, and there is a good measure of truth to it. Having a penis makes a person "male," physically at least, but being male and being a man are two distinctly different things. Honestly being a man has a LOT less to do with a beard, drinking beer, driving a truck, being a womanizer, or being macho than a lot of males think it does; in fact, in almost every case, those things are indicators that one is NOT a man.

You want to be a man? Devote yourself to something larger than yourself. Work hard, but don't seek recognition for it. Sacrifice for the benefit of others. Seek excellence. Challenge yourself - not others. Be fearless, but not reckless, or just stupid. Be unfailingly generous and kind to others. Be well educated, well spoken, and well mannered. Don't be afraid to get dirty, but unless you are getting dirty - be clean. Be disciplined. Don't brag. Read some Hemingway - that guy was a pro, Kipling won't hurt you either.Now Hope and I haven't always agreed on certain subjects on the forum, but I think this was an excellent response and it got me to thinking. When you get past all the fetishism and self-absorption and superficiality that tend to infiltrate our CDing, what does it really mean to be mtf? What I mean is, for those of us whose CDing truly involves a genuine transgender element, how does our femininity manifest itself in real life, and does it bear fruit in meaningful ways for the greater good? Also, how difficult for each of us is it to get the world around us to grant us the opportunity to be that meaningful person?

[minalost]

I’m not sure if this fits but I find that I am far more empathic than most men. For right or wrong I have always attributed this to my feminine side.

The impact on my life has frequently been contempt from men (and I’m sorry to say from some GGs as well) for not being “tough enough” or for being a “wimp.” Thankfully I’m old enough now not to care what others think and refuse to play the heartless competitive alpha male jerk. And yes, I know that not all men fit into this narrow stereotype.

Possitive impact on the world? I hope so :D.

[kimdl93]

Still pondering this one. But as Mina suggests, I do think in being transgenedered one has the potential to more emotionally intelligent - assuming one is able to get past the self-indulgence, OCD aspects. Really, dressing is simply an outward expression - being feminine is the behavioral element.

[Karren H]

In my mind... I haven't gotten there yet so I don't have a clue what it means to be fem....

[abigailf]

You want to be a man? Devote yourself to something larger than yourself. Work hard, but don't seek recognition for it. Sacrifice for the benefit of others. Seek excellence. Challenge yourself - not others. Be fearless, but not reckless, or just stupid. Be unfailingly generous and kind to others. Be well educated, well spoken, and well mannered. Don't be afraid to get dirty, but unless you are getting dirty - be clean. Be disciplined. Don't brag. Read some Hemingway - that guy was a pro, Kipling won't hurt you either.


I clearly have both sexes in me. But neither of them can claim ownership of the above values. Those values just represent the mark of a decent human being.

I try to live my life around many of those values, yet as I get older, I noticed that I tend to become more attuned to my personal needs and more eager to do things for myself then I was in the past.

Yes crossdressing is something I have been doing all my adult life, but never to the degree that I wanted to or even that I do now. I was always too busy being a good boy, a good husband, a good father, a good worker, or a good man. Now, I feel I’ve had enough of doing things for everyone else and I just want to be a good girl for me. The thing is, the decent person in me will not allow me to do that.

So my quest is to become as girl as I can without losing the boy. Hence, I need to maintain two lives. This of course consumes more time and I feel I have sacrificed some of those values that make me a decent person. I often feel that I would rather just be all girl, but I feel that would be a selfish thing as my family (of all girls) needs a masculine influence in it.

Now, I am not sure this answers your questions, but it sure helped me :)
.

[Byanca]

I'm fairly neutral, somewhat over on the fem side, like lots of chicks are. But more feminine in clothing style then the majority of girls. Since most focus on showing off the body. But for me it's more the sensuality and mystery. I'm not worried though, since there are those that do this. And if I had more of I real body, I'd probably show off a bit more...so I find it all to be natural, circumstances taken into consideration.

It's what you feel yourself, that's what it means, even more so if other thing the same. But others cant think out you, really. That's a bit difficult. Only help.

[msniki48]

Yes crossdressing is something I have been doing all my adult life, but never to the degree that I wanted to or even that I do now. I was always too busy being a good boy, a good husband, a good father, a good worker, or a good man. Now, I feel I’ve had enough of doing things for everyone else and I just want to be a good girl for me. The thing is, the decent person in me will not allow me to do that.

So my quest is to become as girl as I can without losing the boy.
:)
.

Abigail, ewwww you may not have answered the question, but you hit my nail on the head! ouch!!!!:eek:

as someone said, i feel my empathy level is way beyond that of typical guys...or i would not have every wife in my neighborhood talking to me about their husbands.... :heehee: i see how we do think differently.

doing things that are above me, getting dirty, this is why i'd rather be a girl, so as to not do those things. in my own way i think i help those around me, but that is being a good person...girls can do that too.

Making my daughter feel good about herself as she is looking for her wedding gown, and crying as she says yes to the dress....i think that is a feminine nurturing thought process... i might not be all woman...but, i'm striving.

thanks for this thread....you make us think, and this is why i come here:love:

[suchacutie]

We discovered Tina almost 5 years ago, but I've been me for almost 6 decades. The masculine activities I enjoy are solitary activities. I have been empathetic my whole life, and when I was managing large organizations, I found that I invited many women into leadership roles and they accepted because they were comfortable with my ability to listen. They understood me, and I understood them. Nonetheless, my general approach to issues often confused me...until Tina arrived.

We are on an adventure to understand Tina and how much of a role she plays in our life. Part of me is clearly masculine, and that part was always embarassed about all the feminine things I just naturally gravitated towards. Now I begin to understand, and that understanding is incredibly freeing! "He" will be a part of me, but I am amazed at Tina constantly as I learn all about her, her desires to be pretty, to know how to fit in as a woman, how to act, how to talk, how to interacted as a feminine being. Suddenly this is no longer foreign or embarassing, but is calming! Sure, it's the clothing and the makeup, but that just is the ticket to the rest: voice, thought, understanding, learning what it is to grow up as a girl, and then to live that knowledge!

quite an adventure!

tina

[Frédérique]

You want to be a man?

Hope and I haven't always agreed on certain subjects on the forum, but I think this was an excellent response and it got me to thinking. When you get past all the fetishism and self-absorption and superficiality that tend to infiltrate our CDing, what does it really mean to be mtf? What I mean is, for those of us whose CDing truly involves a genuine transgender element, how does our femininity manifest itself in real life, and does it bear fruit in meaningful ways for the greater good? Also, how difficult for each of us is it to get the world around us to grant us the opportunity to be that meaningful person?

Notice how there’s absolutely nothing in Hope’s quote about communication or feelings – that’s what “being a man” is all about, and you see this simple fact played out in world events each and every day. It all depends on one's vantage point, I suppose -- being born male, I know all about bluff and bluster. BTW, Hemingway is an island I do not care to visit, thank you, but at least he liked cats…:heehee:

Since I'm an artist, I’m already in the “sphere” of influence that includes transgendered behavior, at least I make the conscious connection. In my case, crossdressing grew out of the personality I developed during childhood. In the world at large, I’m allowed to be a sensitive artist, while crossdressing, the illegitimate offspring of yearning and desire (in a tactile sense, I should say) is not allowed. I can be truly meaningful to myself in private, but everything else is merely a presentation for the sake of others…:straightface:

[suit]

In my mind... I haven't gotten there yet so I don't have a clue what it means to be fem...."
I think being fem has to be carrying eggs. smelling like you carry eggs , having the hips to pass those eggs . feeling fem ..must then be feeling like you could and should be an egg carrying member of the gender, female.
the other good traits are there to make good parents . the bad ones make us human.

obsessive compulsive egg hunting males enamored with feminine quality's them that own the eggs and the desire to get into ...them or the before clothing part of time ..well that might be expressed by a fixation with panties..<WEG> thoughts ?
ooh yea anyone out there that can sell the difference in a woman before and after a hysterectomy? I can.

[Nicola2876]

OMG I had the hardest time trying to explain this when my therapist asked "what makes you female?" because gender lines are so blurred now that it's difficult to put into words what is male behaviour and what is female.
I've always thought that my lack of aggression and macho behaviour made me more femme but when you look at the world today women and men are closer in society's roles than ever.

[bron]

Tina, you deserve a medal for the way you put your cd life as you see it. Thats exactly my position too. My male side sometimes exerts his authority over my fem side but Bron usually wins out by sheer force of will. And i love that part of me.

[abigailf]

Making my daughter feel good about herself as she is looking for her wedding gown, and crying as she says yes to the dress....i think that is a feminine nurturing thought process... i might not be all woman...but, i'm striving.



I have two daughters (a bit younger I bet). But I teared up when I read this. What does that make me - man, woman, or just sensative?

[sherri]

Obviously appearance and expression are major motives and factors in CDing, and rightfully so, but Hope's post about what it really means to be a man had me thinking about what it really means to be feminine, or more to the point, how our femininity can be genuine and how we use it to impact our own little worlds.

A major frustration for me is the limitations imposed by our culture on my ability to wield influence in ways not consistent with conventional gender roles, and with my own timidity, even if there are very good reasons for the latter. In other words, I feel like my sphere of influence is rather severely restricted by my limited out-of-the-closet activities. But where and when I can, I know I can point to some differences my femininity has made for myself and for others.

We often mention a "softness" or sensitivity that CDing has produced in our personae, and that is very real, I think. This influence has had a transformative effect on my sensibilities and how I interact with people regardless of what I'm wearing. It has also expanded my personal tastes and interests, and freed me to develop feminine talents not consistent with gender stereotypes but that have always, I see now, been an integral if latent part of who I am. I can't always be as open or sharing about this side of me as I'd like, but it does bear fruit in carefully chosen ways.

I think I've also been able, over a long period of time, to break through some stereotypes and surprising misconceptions within the GLBT community, making a difference on a one-on-one basis with how a CDer is perceived and dealt with. A lot of this has to do with getting people to see past cliches and preconceived expectations to the real, down-to-earth person, gently forcing them with kindness and patience to stop objectifying me and value me for who I am. Part and parcel with this process is, of course, the added benefit of fostering a respect and appreciation for the uniqueness and merit of a transgendered person, which in my case means the benefits of sensibilities more feminine than masculine, but nevertheless falling somewhere in-between. And giving credit where it is due, I believe a lot of people are quite prepared to interact on this basis once they see it's possible, almost as if they'd been waiting for someone to shed all the silly stuff and be real.

To be perfectly honest, I seriously doubt that the old "male" me would have the patience to achieve some of these things, or the private courage to be honest with myself about who I really am and how I really "tick". I would have once suppressed things I now value and celebrate about myself, and my hope is that this spills over into how I function in this ol' world and with other people.

Naturally, a couple of things remain to be accomplished. I have yet to have the opportunity to bring all this to bear in a truly intimate relationship, and then there is the never-ending challenge -- to myself and the world -- to be able to function as me among a broader spectrum of society. Coming full circle back to Hope's post, I believe this absolutely requires breaking through our own superficiality and self-absorption to get at the deeper aspects of our gender blurring, the ones that benefit those around us as much as or even more than ourselves.

[NathalieX66]

and all the while I thought being femme was prancing around like dancer Twyla Tharp, while throwing flower petals in the air. :D

[sherri]

and all the while I thought being femme was prancing around like dancer Twyla Tharp, while throwing flower petals in the air. :DWell yeah, there's that, but there's also shopping for panties at Victoria's Secret. And how to hide them from an supportive wife. :)

[Fab Karen]

All that was expressed in her comments was good, except that Hemingway was known in real life to be a machismo drunk.

I'll repeat what I said in a different thread: feelings are not masculine or feminine, they're just feelings.

[Kaz]

[You want to be a man? Devote yourself to something larger than yourself. Work hard, but don't seek recognition for it. Sacrifice for the benefit of others. Seek excellence. Challenge yourself - not others. Be fearless, but not reckless, or just stupid. Be unfailingly generous and kind to others. Be well educated, well spoken, and well mannered. Don't be afraid to get dirty, but unless you are getting dirty - be clean. Be disciplined. Don't brag. Read some Hemingway - that guy was a pro, Kipling won't hurt you either.]

Kind of sounds like me... and many other people I know I am afraid... is this a UK thing?... Guys I meet who are not on this wavelength I don't even choose to work with!

xx