The dammed

[erica12b]

Dammed if we don’t tell dammed if we do tell, cd’s are in a hard spot we are also in a spot if we should stay in the closet or step out, I have heard the stories and how some are lucky and some loss it all (we all have) what some of the SO’s have done on the good and the bad, the what if and what for’s can drive us nuts (sleepless nights for us)
The older we get the more we except this is just the way it is,

I wish there was a better way to get and show support and understanding
I am the poster child for not wanting to out myself but wanting to get out, I have never meet any of the gurls in my area, and only trying to meet gg’s in same said area, I know I sound overly needy, witch puts a bad spin on the cd collective as a hole, we are all reprehensive of this small community

The question is how, how do I get out and not out myself, so I ask you how did some of you do it or how are you going to do it, and still keep your secret except for a select few

[kimdl93]

As far as meeting GGs - I presume you mean meeting GGs that are accepting. Honestly, I don't know that there is a predictable way of doing that. Better that you just meet people, get to know them and if they seem generally open-minded and tolerant...open the subject. I don't know any other way.

[DiannaRose]

Kim's right...you can't go out looking for a friend...they just happen. GG, TG, CD, ETC...makes no difference. Meeting people on-line is becoming the norm for finding people who share your interests, and that's the key. I've found a couple of wonderful friends directly as a result of being signed up here--one of whom I'm going to meet for the first time next week. No pressure, just meeting, lunching, shopping. We already share some interests, so we're hoping the face-to-face friendship also takes root...but we can't expect it to or we're going to doom ourselves. We're both happily married, so there's no "additional" pressure to hit it off, if you see what I mean. I only mention that because for some people that's a driving factor.

So step back a little from the "need" for a friend (GG or whatever), and just find some places where you can be yourself (either of your selves, in our case.) :)

Find a social situation where you COULD meet someone accepting of us--not necessarily where you WILL. Look into local TG resources, support groups, social groups, etc. Find groups that share some of your other interests, because you never know where a friendship will take root.

[msniki48]

The question is how, how do I get out and not out myself, so I ask you how did some of you do it or how are you going to do it, and still keep your secret except for a select few

Erica, the way to get out without OUTING yourself is through a support group in your area. I am lucky that i can dress at home, but most of the sisters come in drab or under dress, and dress at the meeting in the changing room [ most groups have one] There you can meet other sisters in safety of the group. we don't all get to go out shopping for the same fears you have. in the group you can relate to the other girls, gain knowledge, as they usually have speakers, and gain confidence.... i have gone off and on for 9 yrs. They have been a life saver for me.

Good luck in your journey:love:

[erica12b]

yes a gg that is even just tolerant would be nice , i guss im just tired of being on the fence and alwase playing the safe (do nothing ) keep it secret and dont go out of the cave guy
no matter what we do there is a point where (to me ) it was the wrong thing to do and so i do nothing (seems wrong too)

[kimdl93]

Erica, I'll let you in on an early life experience. Years ago, I came out to a gf, not a serious relationship - just a good friend., and dont entirely recall the conversation - it just came out. We remained friends thereafter and to my knowledge she kept that information to herself. Its really about getting to know people.

[melissacd]

Erica,

There is no easy or right answer. Each of us evolves in our own way and in our own time.

You are asking questions that suggest that you have enough discomfort at staying in the closet to feel agitated and yet not quite enough to make significant life changes just yet. That is okay, you are right where you are supposed to be. I was there once too.

Keep asking questions, keep learning, keep soul searching, keep taking little steps forward and bit by bit you will find a way that works for you.

Sometimes you will face situations where you have to roll up your courage and take a risk and sometimes that risk will pay off and sometimes it will be a big mistake. Be prepared to make mistakes and learn from them.

In the end only you will be able to answer this question for yourself.

For me I reached a point where the benefits of staying in the closet were far outweighed by the benefits of stepping out. It is not easy but I feel far better than I ever did before and most of the things that I feared never happened.

One significant thing did happen though and that was the loss of a 25 year relationship. It was a bitter pill to swallow but in the end it was the only outcome that would have worked for bith her and myself, the only outcome that could have led her and I from our deep sorrow and unhappy lives to being able to find a new happiness in separate lives.

Each of us has a different road to travel, different choices to make, different risks and rewards to weigh out.

Melissa

[Joanne f]

:heehee: I doubt that there are many Cds who have sleepless nights about their secret, you just have to keep it in perspective the more obsessive you are about something the more difficulty you will have in finding someone to Share your obsession with , it just narrows the field but does not make it impossible.

[erica12b]

i know i need balance in my life and i feel i am getting there , there are no groups on the western slope, its denver or salt lake, both are about 5hr away over some of the big passes ,

keeping the secret is so ingrained in me its like breathing i cover it up with out even trying and did not even know i did it , im looking for options i did tell one exgirlfriend and it was so nerve racking i had the shakes and could not stop we just talked and stuff but i could not stop shaking she thought i was having a break down or something we dont talk much anymore she has moved on to bigger and better, and i understand

im just trying (dammed if i do dammed if i don't) what do i do

[sherri52]

I found the best way out was at night, take the car to a place far from home. Be sure to get back while it is still dark. It took years for me to go out during the day, Now I can be talked into it easily enough. I'm only afraid of the neighbors and thier nra memberships.

[Lucy_Bella]

Erica,

Without offense to the generation in which I belong and even older, I find the younger generation of females more likely to be supportive.

In my day to be Gay and to dress like a woman when you're a male was unacceptable, now I am not Gay by any means but for some reason crossdressing was tied to being Gay.

IMHO, I feel the younger generation along with the Gay movement exposed the truth behind both , being Gay and not by choice I.E. born that way, as well as Crossdressing not by any means being tied to your sexual preferance.

I am not suggesting go find a kid , my S.O. is 17 years my junior and pursued my company and to be honest , she understands my desires to dress due to the fact society stopped sweeping things like CDing under the carpet. She grew up exposed to facts that it's not a shameful act.

[noeleena]

Hi.Erica.

There is a way Just may be not the way you wont to do it
this is as a womans perpective & you may find it hard .
Time is the main factor ,
join some groups do you have some hobbys , sewing class , camara club , wood work . upholstry . okay i think you ll see where im coming from , join a group get accepted . get to know others in the groups ,
now im not talking about trans people just your ave people , are you working what kind of job do you have . what about joining the st Johns ambos even the red cross ,

okay ,
if you dont allready know ,
i came out 12 years ago to family . dressed as female & live as a woman ,two years ago i joined our waimate edwardian group allmost 2 years now , 50 members i know 25 who & we meet up every month & have lots going on all the time, i make my own skirts & do camara work for our group . over 2000 pics we work to gether they all know about my life yeap all of it & Jos as well . im 62 , oh i m open about us ,

im involoved with our camara club 1 / 2 hour away just over a year now ,
Plus other groups most are womens , now i could go on about other details no need ,
now this took time & i thought nothing would work . & i would be rejected . wrong , so so wrong , i m accepted not because im a woman , because or despite of who i am , as me a person , the more we put stumbling bloocks in out parths the less we will ever be accepted for who we are as people .
I could have joined those groups two years, much sooner i was not ready to do so because i doughted my self ,
if people talk so what if you dress & are seen so what if you are who you are you will still be seen . point is we are short sighted . thats our problem we need to just get out & join in ,

i went out & told , & how many people would see the T V in n z on two stations well it was all over the news so like i said not what you would wont to hear well i did do it & have been accepted . as a woman & who i am . i dont ask you do do that just put your fears behind you .
If you think you cant do it then you lose out on so much .
okay im a nut case may be a bit mad & way off the deep end .

if a shy abused at school no real friends & not relate to men who hated the camara & pretty much every thing else as a young kid ,
can change to a woman stand in front of 1000.s of people & talk & be out there for all to see & have the guts to go any were with out fear .
i think you & others ............CAN........... i have tryed to just let you know we can do it . & it works , if those people i deal with could or would not accept me then what i have said would not have worked ,
well it has & thats why i am in so many groups .
Just go for it .

...noeleena...

[Raine]

I brooded about crossdressing for a long time, never had crossdressed a day in my life before. I had always identified as androgyne even before I knew what the word was though. One day, I decided to give it a shot and bought some girls' clothes. From day one I crossdressed openly, mainly mixing girls' clothes with boys' clothes tastefully. I was already feminine so it suited me well.

After an initial shock from my friends when I posted some pictures online of myself crossdressing in full, they got over it and I gradually made a ton of new friends because of it. A dozen people want to meet me now at a convention I'm crossdressing to in August. I didn't imagine it would turn out like this! :eek:

I don't really talk to my family much about my crossdressing. Heck, I never talked much about my clothes to them in the first place unless I needed new ones when I was younger. :laughing:

My hair has grown out quite a bit since I started, and I'm comfortable mixing girls' clothes with boys' clothes around my family -- I think I look best that way! They tease me for looking like a girl but I know they're just playing around. We're family after all! :huggles

I really don't see what's the big deal about it though. At the end of the day they're just clothes. Why stop yourself from grooming and dressing yourself like the other gender if it looks good? People's judgements are just their judgements. They're not about you.

Granted, I know I'm in a completely different position than some. I'm 19, single (for now), happily unemployed (self-employed some dare to call it!), and have very open-minded, and loving friends and family.

[Joanne f]

I suppose that i have forgotten the reality of being in that situation but if i was i think it would be better to get friendly with someone first before i said to much ( give them a chance to see what a wonderful person i am):D before i hit them with the "oh by the way" bit, but yes for people like us it can seam like a awkward situation to be in .

[erica12b]

little back ground , 44yr , divorced , two boys, 19,11, oldest dropped out of school got married and has 3 kids two came with his wife, (me grandpa) get 11 one weekend a month and all summer , most holidays, ex never knew and will never know about erica, i was raised strickt , this is the way it is, and thats it, my parents arn't bad just closed minded , they still cant understand how some elected officals got there (wink)
i have been divorced 5yrs and still am in debt up to my eyeballs i had to move in with rents (so ashamed) the way its lined out bk wont help. i work in a small shop (all guys) as the I T guy no girls any where , i dont go out (broke) i cant get in to the matcho bull the guys at the shop do i cant go girly i need the job ,and my 11 need a dad , im stuck tell the debt is gone and kid is 19 my life is not my own

ps my ex was sneaky and worked me over so hard i have no trust left might be why im having such a hard time with trusting others , ( trust me ) run
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/cid:2CDF1E54D1B445589828FF76FBA495B3@PAUL

[kimdl93]

Erica,
wow, what a life. I know how it feels - went through a period of similar financial stress following my divorce. All you can do is keep keeping on till that debt is worked out. It may seem like an insurmountable task, but every day you get a little closer!

[erica12b]

im not trying to bring others down , just trying to find a way to help myself out of this hole, nothing i can do seams it will help, finding someone (gg) in my area just to befriend and try and get out might help but even this has its drawbacks

options options rock hard place

[Lucy_Bella]

im not trying to bring others down , just trying to find a way to help myself out of this hole, nothing i can do seams it will help, finding someone (gg) in my area just to befriend and try and get out might help but even this has its drawbacks

options options rock hard place

Your not bringing me down, I am the same age as you I was in the same boat and I never thought I could dig myself out!

I thought I was doomed! But to be honest those times did have some happiness, it made me stronger , determend , and helped me understand just what I was all about.

I looked back at myself and commited that dressing would never come between me and my kids ( they don't know ).. I looked back and saw how much I missed because every chance I could get to be alone I would take it to dress in private .. Thier lives flashed before my eyes due to my selfish acts .

I look back at how I acted to my wife unknowingly being distant because she rejected my urges , I took responsability for that behaviour and in the end relizing yes, I did do that looking back.

My attitude changed as I dwelled in my own prison I created, I slowly came to terms that life is too short I had to find a way to involve my urges in my private life with my public life, the real me to others. I can't say I have fully done that but I can say it has gotten better,

I have been there , it's depressing to be alone and trust me having someone who accepts and understands, I still sometimes find myself being alone .

Take your time my friend, don't just jump right in. Make yourself better then you will become better for those around you. I figured that there are more important things in my life than dressing , it has been in front of me all along and I no longer need to be reminded.

You are on your way there I can tell I have been there.

[erica12b]

you give me hope , but i feel i have lost my faith doing nothing is not helping but its not making it worse eather just stay in my cave and keep looking out

[Lucy_Bella]

Erica,

As long as you think what you are doing ( dressing ) is wrong, then you will also feel it is wrong..

How can so many have the same issues about something we never asked for be wrong? I think the longer you are here the more you will see we all have things in common. A gift soceity refuses to accept!

We all are truley special in our own way, that's the fine line of differance between us here. You will met someone in time who will accept you for you, just a little of advice for you when you do.


When you tell this person about your gift, try and not make it come accross as a problem, just make it a secret you would like to share. Make them feel special to know this part of you.

Hope is a start.:)

[erica12b]

I had to think about how to say this, its not wrong what we do, but it can have consequences, not just to us but to family and friends, from early in life we learn to fit in or not stand out, the older we are, the more this was drilled in to us, the younger members where taught to be them self’s and individuals, and have or where taught to be more excepting of others and there differences, also the area you where raised in has some bearing on how strict or tolerant you where raised

[eluuzion]

little back ground , 44yr , divorced , two boys, 19,11, oldest dropped out of school got married and has 3 kids two came with his wife, (me grandpa) get 11 one weekend a month and all summer , most holidays, ex never knew and will never know about erica, i was raised strickt , this is the way it is, and thats it, my parents arn't bad just closed minded , they still cant understand how some elected officals got there (wink)
i have been divorced 5yrs and still am in debt up to my eyeballs i had to move in with rents (so ashamed) the way its lined out bk wont help. i work in a small shop (all guys) as the I T guy no girls any where , i dont go out (broke) i cant get in to the matcho bull the guys at the shop do i cant go girly i need the job ,and my 11 need a dad , im stuck tell the debt is gone and kid is 19 my life is not my own

ps my ex was sneaky and worked me over so hard i have no trust left might be why im having such a hard time with trusting others , ( trust me ) run
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/cid:2CDF1E54D1B445589828FF76FBA495B3@PAUL

Erica,
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules:

First, calm down; Second, come over and wash my car; Third, shine all of my shoes. There, isn't that better? :heehee:

Jus' kiddn'...Wecome to my world, hehehe. I'm in Denver. 14 yrs ago I divorced, lost my job, house, cars, bank account, declared bankruptcy, $1600/mo support, shared custody (every single wk-end & holidays) of 2yr old (back then). Unemployable in Denver because I was "overqualified" and everybody in business knew me and felt too weird hiring me with my qualifications. I stayed here for my daughter, period. One bedroom apt renter and started over. 14 years of solitude and parenting later...I am self-employed, debt free, live alone in big house, daughter has a car and rarely here...typical teen...and I dress everyday, work a few hours...play for the rest...I have done this at least 2 times before. All because of poor choices in a partner. hey, it's an adventure, right?

Don't give up, especially on your kids. It is all attitude, (well, and altitude too in our case, lol) and it does get better if you do not give up.

Here are a couple of resources if you are not aware of them.

http://www.gicofcolo.org/

http://www.tgtoday.com/links/otherlinks.html

Good Luck,

E

[erica12b]

thank you , if i only half to was car and polish you shoes to feel better its a deal , lol ill rust the car ill wash it so much and polish the shoes tell the leather it gone ,lol