acceptance isnt always full

[jonell1908]

Just need advice recently accepted by my wife but has been an emotional rollercoaster one day its ok the next is stressful please give me some guidance

[Teri Jean]

Jonelle, you need to sit down and discuss limits, what, where and when. She's probably having some issues that we don't know about and only you can find out what they are. Be patient and understanding as well as appreciative when she concedes to steps you two set down. There is no magic plan that works for everyone.

Teri

[kimdl93]

The best advice is to exercize patience and give your wife constant reassurance. Expect that rollercoaster to go on for a while...but really, try to focus on her needs, try to diffuse fears that she may have about losing the person she loves or losing things that are important to her in your relationship.

[JustWendy]

I made a mess of my own situation, so my response here comes more from what I've read in the forum than my own experience. Acceptance is different from enthusiastic approval. Acceptance takes time. I think it means she loves you and wants to make this work but she needs time to understand what it means and will mean. Two of the best pieces of advice I've taken away from the discussions about The Talk are take is slow - don't push to quickly and keep the focus on her and her needs. There will be a lot of emotional highs and lows. Keep the communication open. Good luck.

Wendy

[Shelly Preston]

Firstly welcome to the forum

You don't say how along she has known but I think given what you have said she has a few issues she seems to be struggling with

Time and patience is the key. Also answer her questions as honestly as you can

Read the link in my signature it may help you understand a little better

[msniki48]

Jonelle,

You say you just recently got your wife's acceptance. i have read and experienced that when we tell our SO, and they say they will try to understand and support us...many of us then think...[ me included] wow i don't have to hide any more....wippeee.... i can dress in front of my wife....then we BLOW IT... we go from dressing once every 2 weeks to every day....This is total overload for your SO.

Many of the reponses have been spot on...have her set boundaries she is comfortable with...at least at first.

baby steps.... it is so hard for us, especially if we had it pent up in the closet for so long....deep breath, and baby steps...don't overwhelm her:battingeyelashes:

i wish you well in your journey

:hugs:

[DiannaRose]

Jonie, my wife is also struggling with accepting this part of me. For now, she has to think of it in terms of "what I do" rather than "what I am", if you see the difference. Her struggle is compounded by some personal issues she's trying to work out. The ONLY way we are getting through--both of us--is with a lot of patience and a ton of love.

It's not easy, because I want more, while she's afraid that I'm going to want more. Her fears come from "Well, if I allow him to do A, he's going to want B, and if he gets B, he's going to want C..." and before you know it I'm having surgery or dressing in front of my kids...neither of which I want.

So I try to reassure her without lying to her...and that's not easy either. If she says something like "You don't want this, do you? Tell me you don't want that."--and I DO want that or some of that, how can I be honest with her?

Once I pointed out to her that she does that (with the help of our wonderful marriage counselor), she agreed to watch for it and try not to do it. I agreed to try not to push any of my crossdressing on her. It's all on her timing.

She says she WILL come to accept it, but that's also a vague term. And "acceptance" for her will likely never mean "I will go shopping with you and oh yes you can wear a dress in front of me". :)

Baby steps. Patience. Love and compassion. Keep those close to you--they're your saving graces.

[minalost]

Sometimes full acceptance just isn't in the cards. Everyone else is right, set boundries and stick to them. Don't push it too hard. You may reach a point that she just won't go beyond and that may be as good as it gets.

I know we all hope for more. I would like my wife to treat me with total acceptance when I'm enfemme, but I'm not holding my breath. Tolerance may be as good as it gets for me.

I hope it turns out better for you.
:hugs:

[jonell1908]

Thank you for all the advice it has helped tremendously. it took a while to get to this point and I will just need to be patient and more understanding. I realize how blessed I am to have someone who has stuck with me thus far. Thank you again everyone

[Joanne f]

Just remember that acceptance does not mean freedom to do what you like when you like as your wife should come first .

[ReineD]

Welcome Jonell :hugs:

This thread might be helpful: Now I Like It, Now I Don't (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890)

[Sheila]

it can be a roller coaster ride hun at the beginning for you both :straightface:

Take time to talk and listen to each other, don't push, she needs time to get her head round all this, and at her own pace. Don't make it all about your dressing, remember your marriage and all the things you did together before she found out, she needs the normalcy of those times now more than ever:straightface:

We have a great GG only section here called FAB if she would like to join up here, get 10 posts in and apply to join the FAB forum

[jonell1908]

Reading your responses is a big reminder of how fourtunate I am and how wonderful my wife has been with everything. we are always together when I am in female mode and most of the time she is supportive and she even helps me shop. I need to be a little more understanding that sometimes she needs to back up for a minute and get her bearings with everything. Thank you for opening my eyes.

[carhill2mn]

"Acceptance" is a far cry from support or active participation as many of us have learned the hard way!

[AllieSF]

I personally am against setting limits unless you truly think that you can keep them. Even though plans and agreements can sometimes be modified in the future with further discussions and new agreements, there is no guarantee of that. However, without true open discussions about how CDing really affects you and causes you to act, the SO may incorrectly think that once the limits are set, her problems have been resolved and any future transgressions, in her point of view, may be treated severely. We as people are always maturing and developing as who we are and how we act. She needs to understand that you will try your best, but really cannot give firm guarantees. Just look at all the threads and posts here where changes have occurred to the CD and almost made it impossible to keep previous promises. I wish you the best of luck.

[suchacutie]

Welcome!

Let me add a different thought: It is unlikely that any part of our relationship with our spouses is, a priori, enthusiastically accepted/condoned/encouraged. Also, that's a two-way street. That's why a relationship is such hard work!

So, ramp that up a factor of 100 when it involves the intensely intimate feelings as your expression of gender! This will take time to work out the boundaries and ground rules. Understanding can lead to enthusiasm when the ground doesn't shift from day to day. If you can be very clear and consistent so she can count on what you've said, things can move faster. If you need to revisit an issue, that should call for conversation.

Communication, consistency, and love... Marriage is hard work, but it's worth it!

tina

[sherri52]

Hi Jonell and welcome. You'll have to talk with your wife and find out what the ground rules are. She is accepting to a point, that's great but don't push the button too many times.

[Shayna Ashley]

i am finding that I am somewhat accepted. My wife doesn't like it but will put up with it to keep the marriage going. Hang in there and discuss the limits that you are both comfortable with. Keeping this open and talking about it will help the both of you.

[KimberlyJo]

I personally am against setting limits unless you truly think that you can keep them. Even though plans and agreements can sometimes be modified in the future with further discussions and new agreements, there is no guarantee of that. However, without true open discussions about how CDing really affects you and causes you to act, the SO may incorrectly think that once the limits are set, her problems have been resolved and any future transgressions, in her point of view, may be treated severely. We as people are always maturing and developing as who we are and how we act. She needs to understand that you will try your best, but really cannot give firm guarantees. Just look at all the threads and posts here where changes have occurred to the CD and almost made it impossible to keep previous promises. I wish you the best of luck.

The limits are in place so that your SO has some feeling of control over the situation and to keep them from being overwhelmed. A CD partner should ALWAYS stick to the limits that have been agreed upon.

However you are right, humans grow and change and sometimes those limits need to be reevaluated. BUT they should always be discussed and reevaluated together with your SO or CD partner BEFORE any transgressions are made.

If you want your SO to accept/tolerate you, you have to play by their rules on their time frame. Breaking agreed upon limitations are going to bury any chances of developing any real acceptance or even tolerance from your SO.

[Karen564]

Just need advice recently accepted by my wife but has been an emotional rollercoaster one day its ok the next is stressful please give me some guidance

I've seen these roller coaster of emotions more times than I care to count by many loved ones given this news..
It's a classic case of deeply hurt feelings inside.

My advice is, Just bear with it as long as it takes.
She may not be telling you so much in words to your face, but she's still hurting deep inside, more than you can possibly imagine and it does take a while to get past it, some never will, but during this time of grief, please be patient & show her more compassion than you ever did before..

[Karren H]

I have always said that total acceptance is a myth.. Or the number of women who totally accept crossdressing is extremely small.. Infinitesimally small... Its more like varying degrees of tollerance. From zero to 99.92%. Imho.

[JenniferR771]

Take it slow and don't lie to her--anymore. My wife has been non-accepting ever since she caught me in her clothes. Years later she allows me to keep 6 dresses and 10 wigs in my closet. But there are eight dresses. And more in the garage. And I hope she doesn't notice that one of the dresses in her closet is actually mine.

[kellycan27]

But............. still better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!