My revelation

[girlalex]

I really didn't see this coming. For a very long time since i was 13 up until now i didn't pay a lot of attention to my actions and thoughts that were very much unconscious. I generally knew that my desires to look good and be pretty weren't want other guys usually paid much attention to. I was just thinking that my desires to wear women's clothing wasn't really anything, well maybe a fetish or just something whatever. doesn't really matter o well, yes i will enjoy being enfemme as much as i can but it really isn't that big of a deal. its like being addicted to a video game, so what. and thats the kind of attitude i had towards crossdressing. during the past few days however these was really hitting me, and i begin to realize that im not exactly your average male and my thoughts and actions weren't just whatever but truly a part of who i am and it kinda scares me because i've realized how it has been effecting my life. first of all like i mentioned in one of my other threads that when i was younger my dream was to become a fighter pilot and as i've become more mature and more femme that big dream of mine begun to fade away. also the reason i've never had a girlfriend yet, im a virgin, and every time i see a pretty girl i feel like i want to be with her, then a moment later im wondering what the heck would i be doing with her?? ok she's hot. good point. then along the line of my thinking process sex becomes out of the question, but why. then im in the mall walking by the women's clothing store looking at one of the manikins behind the display window and the first thing that pops in my mind is how would i look in those clothing. and last, the older i get the less i enjoy my life. im trying to be thankful for what i have but its really hard. but maybe thats cuz i dress once in a blue moon. so things like that have been on my mind a lot lately and the thought of me being more than just a cd appears to be very vivid. im looking at my screen where it says "Logged in as girlalex" and it really makes me feel uncomfortable. i really wish i was a normal dude with a girlfriend no big deal. but in the same time i like who i am? WTF.

[kimdl93]

darn, I wish I had a simple answer. Theres a lot going on. Honestly, everyone wishes they were "normal", but the most startling realization is that there isn't such a thing.

I don't know how old you are, but first thing is to stop grading yourself on criteria like * haven't had a girfriend yet, or *still a virgin. Neither is an indication of who you are or will become. That's entirely separate from your gender identity or sexuality. Its just where you are at in your unique life circumstances. If you put yourself out there - meet people without expectations - just being friendly, openining up to conversation - and most importantly, really caring about other people, and you'll probably run into someone that you'll be interested in and that person in you.

I honestly don't think that occassional or frequent cross dressing disqualifies you from being a "normal" dude any more than being macho 100% of the time means you're virile, attractive (or atractted) to women, etc etc.

As a teen and even young adult, I used to be embarrassed by my teeth, my glasses, a birthmark no one could see, my accent, pretty much by everything physically - and that was without counting my little hobby. Sad to say, but feeling uncomfortable or uncertain about yourself (in many different ways) is a normal part of growing up.

[melissacd]

Alex,

Welcome to the world of gender confusion. To varying degrees we all go through this. Some like to dress but are solidly grounded in being male. Some realize at some point that they are closer to the TS end of the spectrum and then there are the rest of us who are somewhere floating in the middle.

I prefer to dress full time femme and would love to live that way 100% but I do not consider myself female nor do I have the need to re-wire my plumbing. I enjoy the comfort of the feminine aspects of who I am, it feels right to me. It may not be culturally correct, but it feels personally correct and now my efforts are towards determining how to live a life that is consistent with who I really feel I am.

There are no simple answers or magic bullets, just lots of reflection and making steps in one direction or another feeling your way as you go.

Melissa

[Sally24]

Hey, some of us have been dealing with this for over 50 years and still have some of those thoughts!

You can expect to understand it better as you get older, but knowing everything about yourself is not something most people acheive. If you feel comfortable with it I would consider going to a gender counselor and seeing if they could clear some things up for you. You may be TS, you may not be. If you go to an experienced counselor, they may be able to help you explore just what you might want to do to make yourself happier.

Good luck!

[sonia_dargency]

"normal dudes" have their anxiety too, but they might less aware of it

As a teenager, I was not a normal guy myself, I was respectful with girls and could talk of something else than sports or cars (which I am still not interested in); very shy about sex, I stayed a virgin until almost 21; I had to be in love, she had to have something interesting to say, I could not just bang a chick.

as Kim says, there is no such thing than normalcy, it's a made up myth. The solution is to accept yourself, make the best of what you got, contribute to society the way that fits you and benefits the most people and hurts the least.

Easier said than done, still working on it

on the other hand, beware of depression. undetected, it can be devastating.

[NicoleWest37]

Confusion is all a part of our crossdressing. I been dressing for 40 years and I have been confused for most of that time. Even more so since I have been married and have children. Those who finally figure it out transition or become content to crossdress or anything in between those to poles. :straightface:

[sherri52]

There is no simple solution to who you are. Are you straight, gay, bi; no one knows that better than you do. You have to expieriment to find out what excites you more. Try to have that date with a girl, hopefully one you like. See where it leads you. If there is something there the rest will follow. Do not tell her your a virgin until the moment of truth has to be answered. The young generationlike to spread these things around to embarass someone. In my opinion because you admire dresses in a way in which to wear them you are a CD. Whether you can stop or not is within you. Live life for today and don't worry about who you are or where you came from or for that matter where you are going. Become happy with yourself and you will find your place in life.

[pattyv]

Just to add to Kim, Melissa and Sally's comments which I agree with. You have never had a girlfriend and are a virgin. Do you realize how many girls would love to deflower you? You appear to be suffering from "analysis paralysis". Your avatar shows you are an attractive person. Apart from the sex I'm sure lots of eligible young ladies would love to date a handsome young man like you. Getting intimate in conversation with someone you are attracted to will lead(sometimes) to mutual attraction, and the rest will follow. Be honest about your CDing as soon as you feel the relationship is moving to another level.As a happily married CD I know that Cding and marriage are not mutually exclusive. Become socially active, and incorporate your CDing as often as you can. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

[minalost]

Hi Alix,

Most people go through the same things you are now. I always wanted to be a fireman or a policeman but my eye sight is so bad that I was always rejected. I was a virgin until in my early 20s (late for a male even back in the early 80s. Yah I know, I'm old...). I've always hated the way I looked and sounded. I'm shy and don't like confrontations. I’m a life long crossdresser. All these things made growing up difficult.

Today I own my own business, I've a wife, two adult children, and life is good. Now, these may not be your goals, but I'm just trying to illustrate that no matter how hard the road is, if you don't quit, you'll get there eventually.

The only advice I would offer is to accept yourself for who you are. The other path is just too painful.

:hugs:

[Ruth]

Honey, everybody's normal until you get to know them (I didn't make that up by the way).
Anyway, you are not weird, you are not a freak, you just have some urges that not everyone gets and you are very absorbed in thinking about this at the moment. Part of growing up as others have said.
Enjoy being yourself and other people will enjoy being with you.

[Super Amanda]

Alex, you seem to be going through one of the rougher times that we can go through. I need to reply to you because so much of what you're saying reminds me of, well, me!

First of all, take some deep breaths and try to relax... I know how you feel right now, believe me. I bet you could look at some of my threads from a couple years ago, and you would see some amazing similarities.

I remember coming home from work one night about 3 years ago, and around the University of Arizona campus were many young, beautiful, and (seemingly...) normal people, all interacting and smiling, and socializing. I wanted what they had soooo bad that I could friggin taste it, you know? But at the same time, knowing that it is fully possible to mingle in a "normal" way with these people, as long as I conform, made me very mad at myself. I'd been trying for so long to just "be a normal dude", and over time it was just becoming more and more emotionally painful to merely function among the "normal" people.

All the things going through your mind went through mine as well, and it can be a vicious cycle. It took me at least another year after I felt like you before I really started to get a handle on myself. Maybe if I had gone to therapy I would have came around faster, who knows.

And now for the most cliche advice I can give, but it is true : Follow your heart. :love:

If you wanna talk more you can PM me.

[Faith_G]

Let it ride a while and if you are still obsessing about it in a month or two, find a therapist to talk to about it.

But be yourself, don't overcompensate like a lot of us have. I kept a foot-long beard for 15 years to try to prove I was a man and look how well that worked...

[Kellifunk]

I have told 4 people about my crossdressing, and 3 of them have told me something about them that they would not consider normal either. I am starting to think that most people have some secret, it is just that people are at different stages of accepting there secret, and some are in total denial. Those people that have told me about them, are now closer friends than I could ever imagine.

I also then think, oh how I would like to be normal and not let this get in my way, but the positive side is that because of who I am, I am generally more accepting than most of my friends are, I am not medicated because of stress issues like most of my friends are, and overall I seem to catch on to things faster than my friends. I am not interested in sports or racing unless I am playing them. I am very manly in some way, and very womanly in others, always have, always will be. I am told that I do not look 32, and that I am generally very experienced in the ways of the world. Just my observation, I am attempting to look at the positive qualities that may or may not be linked to who I am..

Would I have these qualities if I was not a crossdresser? Who knows.

All I would suggest is that you accept yourself, it doesn't go away, heck I am 32 now, been fighting it most of my life, recently going through some life changes, I have found a woman that is very accepting of me, and breaking up with one that is not so accepting of me. On one hand it sucks, I won't see my kids as much, but on the other hand it is absolutely exciting because not only do I get to be myself, but I get to be with a woman that is more amazing than I could ever dream, and she will let me be me....

Normal people will most likely ever experience such great extremes, and those extremes are what I believe stretches out one's box to make them a much more dynamic and understanding person, so when one is balancing out, and they have a huge extreme of experiences to balance from.... Well they are in for one heck of a ride.. Think about the positives. How about those women that you meet, I am willing to bet that one of them would totally accept cd'ing, and so you can all give each other clothing and makeup tips :), what regular guy can do that?

Enjoy the ride, it's fun, has it's up's and downs. And the fabrics feel good to!

[girlalex]

thanks for all the comments. now i feel normal that im not the only one lol. i love you guys!:love:

[Ashley S]

I also want to chime in, because I'm trying to overcome this as well, and I've made some big steps recently thanks to supportive friends.

I've been wrestling with those feelings for years now, as well. I finally hit critical mass not too long ago and realized that can't lie to myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling depressed and angry at my girlish desires, so now I'm trying my best to remain positive, really enjoy my feminine side for the first time in my life, and see where this takes me.

[girlalex]

I also want to chime in, because I'm trying to overcome this as well, and I've made some big steps recently thanks to supportive friends.

I've been wrestling with those feelings for years now, as well. I finally hit critical mass not too long ago and realized that can't lie to myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling depressed and angry at my girlish desires, so now I'm trying my best to remain positive, really enjoy my feminine side for the first time in my life, and see where this takes me.


i hope you the best. it seems too easy to ignore the overwhelming thoughts and as soon as you attempt to not think about it it just doesn't work like that. got to go with the flow and listen to your inner self.:hugs:

[Midnight Skye]

I started reading this Alex... and boy do I know the feeling. I was there about a year ago... When you finally give into your feminine side and end up finding the more you feed it the more you need. Its SCARY. I honestly must say its the scariest thing I've ever experienced in life. But realize Alex, you're not the only one feeling that way. It's really crazy how many of us go through these feelings and issues and at the same time we feel so alone as if no one else can understand. We just shouldn't feel this way... crazy societal standards.

You know I realized the other day someone mentioned societies vary greatly. And in a tribe here or there individuals who are intouch and comfortable with both sexes clothing and everyday tasks are considered blessed?! What the heck is up with that... we'd all be like normal if society just viewed us a little different (doesn't that suck a big one). Oh well, so goes life -sighs-

[MonicaJean]

alex, hang in there, it's not easy. Very VERY few TS/TV/CD/etc will say "yeah, that was easy!" You know 1st hand how confusing and difficult this all is.

My best advice is simply to wait on what God has for you, not the stoic-religion version of some distant God, but the real God above who is near to you and sees your pain every time you feel it. hang in there! Take a few deep breaths, relax and give yourself lots of time to sort this all out...

[charlie]

Genderbending is tough. It is tough to play the part that society, girlfriends and wives expect us to be and still be ourselves. For some reason all of us here like to be feminine and wear woman's clothes. This fact makes our lives two distinct people, unless you can come to terms with the fact that CD is part of you, and being feminine is too. Once I accepted this part of me as just me, things got easier.

[Andy66]

You're feeling introspective. Good things come from that. :)

now i feel normal that im not the only one lol.
Everyone is weird in their own way.

[LisaM]

Alex,

I read some of your older posts and I agree with Anne that you are very introspective. Have you thought about seeing a therapist that is knowledgeable about gender issues?

I think it would help. Or even going to a local gender group and having similar discussions.

[Frédérique]

For a very long time since i was 13 up until now i didn't pay a lot of attention to my actions and thoughts that were very much unconscious. I generally knew that my desires to look good and be pretty weren't want other guys usually paid much attention to. I was just thinking that my desires to wear women's clothing wasn't really anything, well maybe a fetish or just something whatever. doesn't really matter o well, yes i will enjoy being enfemme as much as i can but it really isn't that big of a deal. its like being addicted to a video game, so what. and thats the kind of attitude i had towards crossdressing.

Nostalgically speaking, it’s nice to be in this “space” where you’re not thinking too much about the reasons for crossdressing. I remember it well. When you come to forums like this and participate in endless discussion about the nature of CD’ing, you start to think about everything in great detail. What exactly is going on? Luckily, for me, I had a period away from crossdressing before I experienced a renaissance of sorts. I didn’t want to tuck my feelings away, but life forced me to move on and concentrate on other things. When the dust settled, the closet was re-opened, and I felt at home once again. But what does it all mean? Whatever you wish it to be, and, even though this activity is really something, it can (essentially) mean nothing. I’ve heard it all, seen it all, and done it all, and I still like this “unconscious” way of dressing (or thinking about it) that you have expressed. It really can be that simple. I’m always surprised that others have trouble with the whys and wherefores of crossdressing, but I didn’t know about this until I immersed myself in the midst of the “community” at large. To me, it’s a very charming and innocent thing to do, so I attach no profound meaning to it. There are reasons, of course, but nothing to make a “big deal” about. I'm not detached, per se, just naturally anti-analytical for the sake of argument. It’s been enlightening, to say the least, to find others who are comfortable with the whole idea and themselves – I certainly am…:straightface:


im looking at my screen where it says "Logged in as girlalex" and it really makes me feel uncomfortable. i really wish i was a normal dude with a girlfriend no big deal. but in the same time i like who i am?

It’s important to like who you are, since everything else just naturally falls into place, and comfort (hopefully) ensues. I appear to be normal (that’s a fun exercise in and of itself), I’ve been with girlfriends, and crossdressing, to me at least, is fun. I must say that when I see the “Logged in as Frédérique” thing, I smile. Could I possibly log in as someone else? Actually, I did exactly that, over on another site, and I could comment on my own posts, albeit as a different member. It all got too complicated, so I stuck with one feminine entity, stepping out of (or into) myself as often as I could…:battingeyelashes:

[Alice Torn]

You are not alone. You sound like a guy in mid life crisis, only younger! I am 55, still single, still a virgin. I did date quite a bit, in my 30's, and only once, had a near long term relationship. I have gone through this introspection, "down in the ashes" for decades. I still would like to meet a right lady! It seems that the lady i create, in the mirror, has become my SO, though. I used to look at mannekins , and still do. It is very, very tough, to find the right woman, in these crazy times. We have to, painful as it seems, learn to accept being with just ourselves. This has been something i have struggled with for decades, especially, when it seems, like everyone else, has someone. Someone will probably come into your life. Work on yourself, and be the best you can be.

[Lucy_Bella]

Everyone is different , everybodys advice is good to take in , as a crossdresser ..Yes! That is what I am . I too struggled through out my whole life, you know the same as everyone else in here.

Things like you mentioned ," this isn't right" Let me tell you it's only as right as you make it. Yes as you have seen in here MEN do dress up, and we live normal lives , who is to say whats not normal?

Or I can't have a girlfriend , you really didn't get into why but I'll leave that one alone with this comment . Yes you can if that is what you want.

Nothing is wrong with your behaviour you are not alone, take advantage of what has been gifted to you and use it as wise as you can. Everyone has different levels to how FEM they are, some can't stand being in a males body while others find hamony .

Seek your level and live your life as you feel fit. If you want to remain in the closet due to hanging on to you masculine lifestyle so be it the support is here for that. If you can't bear your male imagine and wish to go full FEM that support is here as well..

You are young and you have plenty of time to work it out but when you do make sure it's the right decission.

[Hope]

You are lucky in that you are having this realization relatively young. There are lot of girls here who repressed this until they were in their 60's or later.

What you have to do now, is try and come to terms with who you are, and what this means for you. I don't mean this as an optional process. I'm not big into telling people what they have to do, but honestly, this is the sort of thing you HAVE to do. Until you sort yourself out, and learn to love yourself because of (not in spite of) who you are, you aren't really living. I'm completely serious about that. Look around you, the un-dead walk among us, they are just WAY less spooky, and WAY more boring than we have been lead to believe.

[Byanca]

and every time i see a pretty girl i feel like i want to be with her, then a moment later im wondering what the heck would i be doing with her?? .
Talk to her, get to know her. Tell her about your gid problems, so that you both can be yourself. I didn't and it was truly horrible. I've lost all interest for sex for about 10 years- with a deep depression on top of that. So 10 years lost, just like that. I've been staying inside almost the whole time. Lately I've been going out some again and been looking more at guys, and even dated one a little bit. That was more comfortable, but still the same issues, since he was bisexual and kept referring to me as a guy now and then. And that really screwed everything up. that just does not work for me. I become very very depressed. But I cant really blame them either. People have a tendency to believe what they see. One digs a whole that one get stuck in, that's what I find to be the biggest issue. Stuck between time. Non existent.

[girlalex]

i hear ya. thanx for the advice everyone. i can't wait until halloween to go out enfemme for the first time. hopefully I will find some GG who would be willing to host my first experience out. that should be an epic experience.

[Satrana]

Girlalex

I can assure you that you are a very normal CD!

While you may presently find it depressing that your CDing means you do not think or behave like a "normal guy", this is really a blessing in disguise. Normal guys are trapped by always having to prove their masculinity and they have self-esteem issues since they can never measure up. You don't have to play that game. The good news is that as you age, not only does the pressure to conform to society norms fade away, but you will realize that in order to get the most out of life and be happy requires you NOT to conform. Its good to be different.

The "normal" folks are trapped in their conformity cages and many will end up unhappy and depressed about how sad, dull and meaningless their lives are. You, my friend, are a free spirit who has left the cage behind. You are just frightened because you do not know what to do with your freedom. It just takes time to explore your surroundings and understand the amazing opportunity you have to live a rich fulfilling life.

[Andy66]

i can't wait until halloween to go out enfemme for the first time.
Judging from your photo, I'd say you look ready right now. You might consider stopping into a gay bar (even if you're not trying to "meet" anyone) because the people there tend to be particularly accepting.

I've been meaning to tell you, I've seen big changes in you just in the short time you've been here. Great job! :hugs:

[girlalex]

Normal guys are trapped by always having to prove their masculinity and they have self-esteem issues since they can never measure up.

very true. now that you mentioned that i can even see how it plays off. the macho masculine beasts are proud of their semi aggressive behavior, while the rest of the guys who are just as straight but not as aggressive fight to prove they have a stable manhood by talking about the girlfriends they supposedly had "awhile back" ye right.

[MonicaJean]

very true. now that you mentioned that i can even see how it plays off. the macho masculine beasts are proud of their semi aggressive behavior, while the rest of the guys who are just as straight but not as aggressive fight to prove they have a stable manhood by talking about the girlfriends they supposedly had "awhile back" ye right.

Good point! I must admit, I am in the second camp--not as aggressive--and my wife pounded me to be "like her dad" for a long time, he was a "man's man". Don't get me wrong, there's nothing about that per se, but when your SO uses it against you, that only leaves a trail of hurt and THAT's wrong.

I like this topic, it's really deep and thought provoking.

[Brandi Wyne]

If there is a time of contemplation and self doubt, better it be earlier than later in life. Someone once said that "normal is what everybody else is and you are not." I don't agree with that thinking. Rather, normal is the white lines at the sides of the road of life and we try to stay between them on our journey.

Is this a case of the "pink fog"?:brolleyes:

[Midnight Skye]

Wait till Halloween to go out the first time!? Just drive to a town nearby you don't vistit often and go shopping for this and that. Sorry I'm overly spoiled in this area as I moved three years ago and no one in the area knows me (and I don't work in the area). So I just go anywhere enfem. My only exception is the grocery store I shop at after work (in drab mode bleck!)

[Faith_G]

I agree, Halloween is way too long to wait. You will learn a LOT about yourself by going out and interacting with the world.

Besides, you are too cute for Halloween. :happy:

[Rita B]

From what I can determine, you seem to be young enough to be able to do something about your feelings. Many of us did not come to fully understand or to accept our feminine sides until after we were married and even had children or were just plain too old to make a "course correction". First off and above all else, seek professional counseling. If this need to express your feminine nature keeps progressing then it is quite possible that you may be more than just a "recreational" crossdresser. Finding peace and contentment for us is not always easy. Good Luck

[girlalex]

From what I can determine, you seem to be young enough to be able to do something about your feelings. Many of us did not come to fully understand or to accept our feminine sides until after we were married and even had children or were just plain too old to make a "course correction". First off and above all else, seek professional counseling. If this need to express your feminine nature keeps progressing then it is quite possible that you may be more than just a "recreational" crossdresser. Finding peace and contentment for us is not always easy. Good Luck

yep. i need to take care of that as soon as i find out if my health insurance would cover my "depression" treatment.