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View Full Version : Today my wife asked if I knew this is a sickness



Sierra
08-09-2005, 08:06 PM
I told her that sometimes I think I must be nuts.We laughed but really she says and feels we are not "normal".OK,but some things like a persons set of values and morals are much more important that the style of clothes or physical features.She made me admit at least I'am obsessed ...well yaa.But then she said as long as I can rise to the occasion when she needs a man things are well enough to let it be as it is .She knows and sees how strongly this is and is afraid of me telling her I want to go full time. :eek: :love: :o

kazeparker
08-09-2005, 09:26 PM
I certainly don't consider transgenderism to be a sickness. It will not deteriorate my body and slowly or painfully kill me. It does not prevent me from contact with others, change my current function in the outside world, or shorten my lifespan the way a sickness or disease would. The only thing that makes me differ from a 'healthy' person would be my desire to be of the other gender. And I think the reason people are not compassionate towards the transgendered and the transsexual is because they believe it truly is an illness that they might catch, or will plague the earth.

I think that the misunderstanding surrounding those of the TG community is similar to the misunderstanding that brought about so much fear about people with AIDS because they thought AIDS was communicable in the same way the common cold was. Fortunately, people learned how AIDS worked and a sense of normalcy was allowed to return to many who unfortunately had contracted this virus. The problem we face is that today, few understand how TGs really are, that it's not an illness, and that information gap leads to fear and prejudice and a general sense of discomfort from others that don't experience what a TG goes through. Hopefully people will understand it and how it works an acceptance can be learned in time. Hopefully that happens with a lot of things concerning sexual preferences and personal gender preferences and things can be easier for so many people in a time where misunderstanding is rampant. Hopefully.

But in the end, you have to make a choice about what is best for you. Since this isn't a disease or illness, there is no medicine to take to make you 'better'. The only think you can do is make a choice as to how you want to live the rest of your life, and that decision is yours alone, no matter the input of psychiatrists that diagnose your mental state or significant others who need the thing that you feel strongly about changing. If you feel like you want to go full-time, you shouldn't let anything stand in your way, but if you feel like it isn't as important to you as your wife then you have to start juggling the pros and cons very seriously and determine what's important. This is all based on assumption of the worst case scenario, though: either you cannot be the person you want to be, or your significant other is not accepting of your decision to change. If middle ground is possible then it's worth looking into, but in the end the decision about what you will do with yourself is yours to make, and you can at least gain support on these forums no matter which way you go.

Deborah
08-10-2005, 02:17 AM
I was upset and glad at the same time when my wife divorced me. Upset only because i thought of her as a friend back then (less so now)
Glad because now i can do what i want without having someone else to consider.
Yes i have children who live with me......they may end up being taken away from me by her (if i go full blast with my transition). At least i'll probably be able to visit with them though.

Sierra
08-10-2005, 08:54 AM
At this time my boys are 5 & 10 if I lost them and her over chasing my elusive butterfly I'd be strung out in the streets of SF on a self destruction mission.Some how we have to find a balance we can be content with.If I was single I'd want to be fulltime and probally Bi,so I struggle to push away the desires that dont mix with married life,but they are rather persistant.

liz lesbow
08-10-2005, 09:19 AM
my wife wears men's dockers and wears my pink panites. does that mean we are both sick?? if so than Carl Jung lives in a freuidian slip.

Chrissycd
08-10-2005, 09:56 PM
people are so misinformed and uneducated about us? There was a day when everyone believed the Earth was flat, nonwhites were considered little more than wild beasts, and women belonged in the kitchen. The idea that being transgendered is a sickness will one day be thought of as just such a foolish notion. Stay strong and be true to your True Selves, girls!
:)
Chrissy

Natasha Anne
08-11-2005, 10:11 PM
I just got the book. Hard cover and signed by Mildred Brown too. I will get to reading it this weekend!




people are so misinformed and uneducated about us? There was a day when everyone believed the Earth was flat, nonwhites were considered little more than wild beasts, and women belonged in the kitchen. The idea that being transgendered is a sickness will one day be thought of as just such a foolish notion. Stay strong and be true to your True Selves, girls!
:)
Chrissy

Sierra
08-11-2005, 10:50 PM
And hope to read it I dont know myself well and how to defend my way of life.Thanks for your views and its nice to see the TS forum growing and more active these days compared to less than a year ago! :thumbsup:

KewTnCurvy GG
08-11-2005, 11:21 PM
Well the technical definition of disease (sickness) versus disorder (i.e., Gender Identity Disorder) is not the same. However they do both imply something is "wrong". I'd encourage folks to check out the bottom link which is a group trying to get gender identity disorder de-pathologized. I'm for it myself!

Disease - 'a condition marked by subjective complaints, a specific history, and clinical signs, symptoms, and laboratory or radiographic findings... disease is usually tangible or measurable
and
Disease: Illness or sickness often characterized by typical patient problems (symptoms) and physical findings (signs).



Disorder - 'a pathological condition of the mind or body.

A couple of references on the topic:

http://www.transgender.org/gidr/index.html

Sierra
08-15-2005, 10:51 PM
It's nice to have any GG's views and with your professional background and understanding we are lucky to have you on our side!I'm for the catagory reform too! :love:

MarinaTwelve200
08-16-2005, 06:41 PM
Well the technical definition of disease (sickness) versus disorder (i.e., Gender Identity Disorder) is not the same. However they do both imply something is "wrong". I'd encourage folks to check out the bottom link which is a group trying to get gender identity disorder de-pathologized. I'm for it myself!

Disease - 'a condition marked by subjective complaints, a specific history, and clinical signs, symptoms, and laboratory or radiographic findings... disease is usually tangible or measurable
and
Disease: Illness or sickness often characterized by typical patient problems (symptoms) and physical findings (signs).



Disorder - 'a pathological condition of the mind or body.


[



Thats why I use the term "CONDITION" rather than "disease" or "disorder" when I discuss such things---TG does not seem to be a "Disease" or "sickness", and the term "disorder" is a bit presumptious. "Anomaly" might also be a useful term---meaning not conforming to the "norm". (who wants to be "normal" amyway?)

Of course it is not "normal" for a male to CD or be transgendered in other ways---But So what? Not being normal is not necessarily something bad, Indeed its the reason we admire Heroes, geniuses and other prople that dare to surpass the ordinary.

Phillis
08-16-2005, 07:39 PM
Tell your wife to read the book "My husband wears my clothes" by Peggy J. Rudd, Ed,D, I just got it today and it is very easy to undrstand. It is written by a woman who is married to a cross dresser. I think after she reads it she will have a better understanding as to why we cross dress. Yhis book can be purchased from Amazon.com

Julie
08-16-2005, 08:31 PM
Normal! I love how that word is used. Is normal what everyone else does? Is normal what a certain percentage of people do or look like or act like? If so, what percentage determines normalcy? 50%? 60%? 75%? How do we determine what percent of the population is a certain way? Do we have to take a census? Since society changes their attitude all the time, how ofter do we have to re-take the census? What subjects do we cover in the census? What do we do about subjects not covered?

How many times have you heard, "We are all individuals as different from each other as our fingerprints"? What about, "Be yourself. March to the tune of a different drummer!" Or, "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you too?" We teach individuality and then turn around and imply we all have to be alike. It's enough to drive a person insane. Would that then be normal?

Normal? It's an often misunderstood and abused word that people use to make themselves feel part of a bigger group.

KewTnCurvy GG
08-16-2005, 09:13 PM
Thats why I use the term "CONDITION"
YOU use that term; however, the medical and psychological community uses disorder. And what you folks, or at least what seems to be a large enough group fails to understand, how you come to be viewed is in part--and I'd argue a large part--shaped by the opinions and beliefs of professionals. Now, feel free to carry on and not believe me, but it's true!

Ibuki_Warpetal
08-16-2005, 09:34 PM
You wanna know what's normal? Hunting and killing your dinner, or picking breakfast from a tree.

That's normal.

Buying prepackaged or preserved food from a mass storage facility is not natural nor intended by nature.

Yet we do it anyhow.

Go ahead and tell everyone this, one of thousands of ways them and everyone are "not normal".

Natasha Anne
08-17-2005, 05:02 AM
The word disorder in this context does actually bug me a little, because it implies that people with GID are somehow mentally ill. We're not are we, we are normally functioning member of society, working hard, raising families, paying our bills and taxes. Disorder might imply our brains don't work properly, and that can cause us serious problems with job retention or attainment.

The abilitiy to recover medical costs from tax is a benefit, but the word could be different. Perhaps medicine could realise that it was a mistake and correct it, just like people get nose jobs and plastic surgery for what they perceive to be Mother Nature's little flukes.

At least GID is curable if you're a TS. A few years of hormones, some surgery and GID goes away, because everything is nicely in line.

If you're not prepared to go to such radical lengths then your gender identity and expression should be accepted as any other form of culturally acceptable diversity. Why shouldn't your wear a nice skirt suit and make-up to work if it suits you. It's a lot better for people to see and work with that, than know you're a CD (example) and form pictures of you doing weird sexual things at home with women's lingerie. That way a positive image of our community could be created, rather than the cynical, negative, stereotyped one regular folks, sitcoms and comedies perpetuate.

Julie
08-17-2005, 06:06 AM
While Kew is absolutely correct from a medical professional point of view, I think a big part of the problem lies in how this is reported in the media. The media is trying to sell it's stories and sensationalism sells for them so they look for it and create it if they have to by not accurately reporting the story.

It's far more appealing for them to report a story about some man in a dress that holds up a bank or molests children than one seen shopping with his wife at a mall. But when the public sees that man shopping with his wife they think of the stories they've heard from the media.

Whether it's a Jerry Springeresque show on TV, a nightly news report or a headline article in the papers, you can bank on the media showing you things that will cause you to wake up and take notice and mundane things just don't do that.

Don't count on seeing, hearing or reading, "We all need to be more sensitive to the issues of the transgendered" any time soon.

I'm done...https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/images/emoticons/rant.gif

ChristineRenee
08-17-2005, 08:47 AM
A few years back, my wife exclaimed to me that "you know that this is a form of mental illness, don't you?" Well...there you have it!

I don't feel that she feels that way anymore, but this underscores how even those most closest to you can be so uneducated about who and what we are.

The only solution is to educate people...and mind you...my wife was an "educator" for 30 years and still didn't "get" this.

We still have many roads to travel down girls before we reach our ultimate destination I'm afraid.:(

KewTnCurvy GG
08-17-2005, 09:42 AM
While Kew is absolutely correct from a medical professional point of view, I think a big part of the problem lies in how this is reported in the media. The media is trying to sell it's stories and sensationalism sells for them so they look for it and create it if they have to by not accurately reporting the story.
The problem with your concern is it takes a 'bottom up approach'. I would argue that in part why things like this get sensationalized is because TG's are viewed as having a disorder. Think about it. If the medical community quit viewing this as a disorder then there might be stories countering the sensational ones, "yea, but the medical community no longer sees this as a disorder....perhaps we all need to change our views." That's a simplistic, reductionist argument of the situation but I think it holds water.

Ibuki_Warpetal
08-18-2005, 12:40 AM
If it weren't for the media the medical community would have no voice or hold over any major proportion of this or any nation.

Blame should be cast in many directions...

Anyse
08-22-2005, 02:32 AM
Having been through the entire TS process, my views of this are a bit different. Personally, I feel that the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care (HBSC) are far less strict than they should be! Too many who are pronouncing themselves as TS are offtimes a bit touched in the head and, in light of the need for the media to exploit them, these are the ones that are seen on TV and in the news. Have you ever noticed that most are under the age of 24? Too many are maladjusted and socially flawed (the reasons for this are many and may or may not be tied to the aspect of being transgendered in the first place). These are the ones that most people see and make their decisions on. Those who are willing to NOT circumvent the HBSC are the ones that the media will not present and few, if any, get to see. How can the masses create a truly positive image of TS's in light of this exploitation?

Next, in regard to the HBSC, I propose that they be EXTENDED to a minimum of 2 years, not 1. This would prevent the misguided and illusionists from saying on December 31 that they are TS and having surgery by Jan 1, 366 days later! One year? You've got to be kidding! It takes time to develop a halfway decent female persona along with the necessary mannerisms and social proximity needed to be in public without becoming one of the Springeresqe TS's seen on TV. Even in the training of spies to go into Germany during WWII, so many were "discovered" by the enemy due to a lack of social enculturation and daily socialization. Same goes for the TS, whether FtM or MtF! Also, I know too many who were not really ready to pay the social price required when the time following "the surgery" had arrived. Things just don't sink in as well as one would wish or things don't always turn out as one would wish or has been led to believe. SO much to learn that, it would seem, a sacrifice in time would pay in logarithmic proportions that would far outweigh the inconvenience of time in favor of a greater matriculation into society.

You may want to know my own history of transition. Well, I gradually moved in the direction of the surgery for 5 years. Clothes and social interaction were gradually raised to the full level of completely current social mores. I was able to work with my family and wife to gradually allow THEM to transition with me, not behind me! I took it easy and did not suffer from the sense that all of my life was going to hell because I would not be fully transitioned according to the HBSC and, overall, it has paid great dividends in terms of my confidence, persistence, maintaining ALL of my friends, keeping my profession, etc. It worked for me rather well and, as I know others who were just too fast, they did not face the fact that the average age of a person who undergoes surgery is around 54. Any time before that would be gravy.

Life is precious. Even the lives of others who are important to us all. Transitioning is not a seflish thing if done in a selfless manner. Only a woman would really understand the depth of this type of selflessness and it is something that those of us who seek to transition need to learn.

Best to all of you.

Anyse
anyse1@mac.com

Natasha Anne
08-22-2005, 11:23 AM
Thanks for this. I'm in no rush to get this completed, so this post was refreshing to me. I too and trying to maintain all the things you were so successful at. I'm approaching this by introducing new aspects and things to my life. Often visible things that others see, that although might be questioned by them, is not quite the same as having a butch army dude in their face on day and a girly man the next. I also think people should take their time. You can start learning feminine mannerisms and speech patterns before RLT.

That's not to say think RLT should be more than a year, but perhaps the preparation for RLT shouldn't just be to go big bang. I've not reached the RLT stage, but am happy with the idea people think I'm effiminate before I enter RLT. In a way it may help them accept me.

When I first crossdressed at work functions people already knew me well enough that most people had a good time with me, and just mentioned they thought it fit with my personality and accepted it. That, I feel, was because of all the feminine things I surround myself with in daily life, some conciously, others sub-consciously. I hope I'm as successful with RLT.

Some people may disagree with me, but you've given me food for thought. Thanks