How to talk to my wife

[Cheyenne Skye]

I'll start off by saying that I told my wife about me a couple of weeks into our relationship almost 14 years ago. At first it was difficult for her, but she has grown to accept it more and more. She even helps me shop and will sometimes break the ice with the salesperson as I can be very shy at times.
A little about her though. She has had a few medical problems in the past. Among them was 2 brain surgeries to help with epilepsy. This has left her very emotional at times and unable to consider the consequences of her actions before she speaks. She also has some memory problems and a touch of ADD.
Sometimes when I am depressed over my gender confusion, she will come up to me and ask me what is bothering me. I know that communication is important but sometimes I don't want to talk to her about my problems because I feel that she has enough of a burden with her own psychological/emotional issues. I have read so many times about how CDers who pushed their SO toward acceptance more likely pushed them away. I don't want to do that, yet sometimes it can be painfully slow to get her to try something new. Like at first it took awhile to get her comfortable with me wearing women's jeans in public. Then I suggested wearing high heeled boots with them and yet another period of waiting for acceptance. Now I can wear my jeans and boots as long as the jeans cover most of the heel. She has often said she would be more comfortable with me presenting entirely feminine instead of blending the two as I normally do. But I'm scared to take that jump. For one, I'm not sure if that is necessarily the path I want to go on. And I'm also afraid that even though she says it would be ok, the reality of it would not be as easy for her to accept as the idea. I think she believes in the absolutes of gender. She says that either I'm truly male and just like the clothes or I should go all the way including SRS. I'm not so sure that I am that close to either end of the gender spectrum. More like somewhere in the middle.
I need help figuring out how to educate her on the fluidity of the gender spectrum and where I might fall on it. But in a way that she will be comfortable with and not push her outside of her comfort zone.(Or out of my life.) I am looking into counseling for myself, but I think it would be a while before the therapist would want to see both of us.

Sorry if this is a little long winded. I just need to get this off my chest. I have no one else to talk to besides my wife.

[kimdl93]

It sounds like you've addressed this pretty well with your wife. despite the problems she's dealt with, she's still attuned to your moods and needs as well. It also sounds as if you're very concerned with her and her needs...a lot of marriages would be lacking in comparison.

I always support the decision to go into therapy and it doesn't have to be a couples approach. Certainly it would help you come to grips with your own gender indentifcaiton. So far as I know, there's nothing at all wrong with falling anywhere along the spectrum that feels right for you...so don't sweat it. But the therapist may help you understand that and methods you can use to get comfortable with yourself.

If your wife is ok with you dressing full en femme, and you're not quite ready, that's ok too. but here's a suggestion. Maybe you could feel comfortable in a somewhat controlled and supportive setting, like at a support group gathering in your community (I don't know where that is, but check it out).

Good luck - glad we can be a sounding board!

[sherri52]

Cheyenne; there is obviously alot of love in your relationship. I know it is hard to further burden your wife with how you feel. I also think she deserves to know. She has seen your CD'ing through to this point, she should also be apart on your thoughts. Let her know that you are taking sessions with a therapist and would like her to join you after a few weeks or months. Don't keep her in the dark but don't tell her everything

[RADER]

Cheyenne:
I know rite were you are comming from. My wife spent 140 days last year
in Hospital's and rehab centers. Back in on New Years Day, for another
50+ days. She will be comming home Tues, I Hope.
I love her, with out question, And she loves me. Yes her mind is a little
forgetfull with all she has gone through. I guess I have to find thoes
missing Marlbles and return them to thier ritefull spot. She is ok with my
CDing, at the same time I don't push it with her frail condition.
She let's me dress arround the house; but I could never pass, so I stay
with in the friendly confinds of home sweet home.
Still she is my best Buddy, And would not trade her for anything. Rader :)

[ReineD]

Hi Cheyenne,

Do you partially dress close to home, where you run into people you know? I'm trying to find a delicate way of suggesting this, but might your wife be concerned about other people's opinions? Does your wife feel the same way about you dressing at home?

Ideally, none of us should care what others think. But we do. We're afraid we'll be judged by others and doors will be closed to us that otherwise wouldn't be. It takes CDs a long time to tell their loved ones because they're afraid they might lose them. And how many CDs are ready to tell all their friends and co-workers? A wife has the same fear of rejection, even if she is not the one who CDs. Might your wife be afraid that her friends will gossip about her if they see you wearing femme jeans and boots?

Many will say that we should just ignore the bigots; the world is big enough to find friends who will accept gender variance. And in some circles, such as larger cities, this may certainly be true. Unfortunately, most of us don't live in such progressive milieus.

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't easier to be fully out to everyone 24/7 rather than straddling the fence. Then there is no ambiguity, everyone would know, and the couple would find out soon enough how their standing in the community is affected. If you don't mind my asking, why are you not ready to go out fully dressed? Is it a question of partial gender identity, or do you fear negative consequences as well? IMO there is not much difference in society's eyes whether a genetic male goes out fully or partially dressed. At least if he is fully dressed, he can be on the periphery of most people's radars and draw less attention to himself ... unless he runs into someone he knows and then the cat's out of the bag.

There are some in this forum for whom the dressing has nothing to do with gender identity. These members are men, they have no wish to present as female and they feel it is in their full right to wear skirts and dresses whenever they want to. And I agree with them. But then we get into the discussion about why there are social norms, and the sociological reasons for most individuals not wanting to break them. Different topic altogether.

Another observation: if your wife notices your depression and she wants to talk to you about it, you are doing her a disservice by deciding for her that she will not be able to deal with whatever you have to say. You may not be happy with her reactions, but this is a different matter altogether. I know how you feel though. It is also hard for me to tell my SO things that I feel she will not like to hear. It makes waves, and it just seems easier to postpone the discussion for another day.

And last, if you frequently feel depressed about your situation, would you and your wife consider seeing a therapist in order to find solutions? She seems to be supportive of the CDing, just not out in public?
:hugs:

[Cheyenne Skye]

Yes I do partially dress close to home, however I should be the one more concerned about running into someone I know. My wife works from home and really has no friends to speak of except maybe a few co-workers whom she has never met in person (online only). And her family lives nearly an hour away. She told them about me a long time ago, but when we visit them it is a "don't ask, don't tell" atmosphere. I do however believe that she is concerned what others think. She has mentioned before that she is most worried that we would encounter an unaccepting bigot who only wants to harm us for being different. When at home, she allows me to dress however I want, but she is not fond of what she calls the "whorish" look (spike heels, miniskirt etc).
I guess I am concerned what would happen if I went out fully dressed. My plan is to gradually switch over my wardrobe to all femme items that I can wear out everyday regardless of presentation. I've discussed this with my wife and she seems fine with this idea. She helps me look for appropriate clothes when we go shopping.
As for my depression, I have the name and number of a therapist. I just need to work up the nerve to call. One thing about the depression though. I am a runner. I have been running for over twenty years. When I am really into my training for a particular event, my thoughts about cd-ing tend to slip to the back of my mind and I'm not so depressed. But I haven't been able to get out and run for almost two weeks because of all the snow we've gotten recently. So of course I'm feeling low. We tried couples counseling once. She liked the therapist but I wasn't too fond of the person. Plus it became too taxing on our finances to continue every week. That's another concern I have about therapy is that it will become to much of a financial strain that I won't be able to continue.
Again, thank you all for letting me vent my feelings here.

[kimdl93]

I would really urge you to deal with the depression through a therapist. Not couples, but single therapy. I think you and your wife are well on your way to making the transition happen. You just need a little help to get comfortable with yourself as your wife seems to be!