How do I deal with my guy anger?

[Ashley S]

I don't understand how I'm ever going to learn to be happy with myself. I think I've finally broken through the denial of being a crossdresser, and am trying to be comfortable with my urge to dress as a girl.

The problem comes when the urge subsides and I feel like being a guy again. I get angry and depressed that I get feminine urges. I don't feel that when I dress up I'm expressing my true identity, I feel my true identity is male, but how do I get over the male anger and resentment.

It's like my guy side is furious about what my girl side has done to it.

I know I'm relatively young, and I wonder if this is something that just takes time, but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel good about myself. I know that eventually I'll feel like dressing up again, but as a guy that frustrates me.

I think I need to see a depression councilor, but can't really afford it yet.

I don't want to feel like this, but I don't want to slip back into denial and ruin another relationship.

I just don't know how to deal with this, I think I need some time in my workshop...I need some time with steel and stone to feel like a guy again.

[gabimartini]

Ashley, I'm going through something similar. I'm longing to find peace between my male and female sides. It's not easy, because each extreme dislikes the other. In guy mode, I tend to loath my urges and feel frustrated to have to give in. However, once in girl mode, I feel so happy and good about myself that I wish it would never have to end. Bottom line is that unfortunately there's no simple fix. Each person needs to learn to deal with gender duality until they are able to strike some sort of balance that suits their lifestyle.

[Crissy Kay]

For me, its just the opposite. Dressing up helps me forget all the stuff that gets me POed as a guy!!!!

[Ericka2]

As I seat here reading your post, takes me back years ago, (I'm in my forties) and went thru the same scenario you are going thru and still seating here wondering what to do, after so many relationships ruined, after throwing and buying new girly things and wasting so much into my desire te be "Ericka" still don't have any right or wrong advice to give since I'm still not sure, but I know that if I had the courage that most people do around here I would of come out back in my youth before is getting so late in life.

Regards, Ericka.:hugs:

[sherri52]

Ashley Don't kick yourself too hard. A good many of us have gone through the same type of feelings. For me it was more out of shame but the feeling subsided. That was many years ago. Take the best of the situation and enjoy yourself, feel bad after. Seek out a CD group in your area. They can be very helpful.

[JulieK1980]

Once quite a few years ago I had feelings that sound identical to yours, I did end up seeing a counselor over it, and what they said was that it was a latent feeling of guilt.

Society forces gender roles at a very young age, and as most of us Crossdressers don't fit the stereotype of one set gender role, we end up with a conflict, and with human nature, we tend to see ourselves as the problem. This conflict causes a gut wrenching sense of guilt. It usually manifests immediately following the end of a session of dressing and will slowly fade with a set time frame that's marginally different for everyone. Incidentally these feeling afflict homosexuals as well as many other "lifestyles" that go against the norm of society.

As for getting over these feelings, its different for everyone. For me I studied everything I could get my hands on about transgenderism and crossdressing. In a futile attempt to understand myself and crossdressing I managed to sort of find myself, and come to accept that I'm ok as a person and over time, I came to love this different aspect of myself, and once I developed a sense of self, the guilt faded.

Ultimately you should probably seek the guidance of a psychologist, or counselor. Just make sure you try to find someone that is familiar with gender identity issues, as there are a lot that don't have any real knowledge on the subject. But having someone to talk to about it, and that has experience in your issues can help a lot!

I wish you the best of luck, I think a lot of us can relate to your story.

[JustWendy]

Ashley, I'm going through something similar. I'm longing to find peace between my male and female sides. It's not easy, because each extreme dislikes the other. In guy mode, I tend to loath my urges and feel frustrated to have to give in. However, once in girl mode, I feel so happy and good about myself that I wish it would never have to end. Bottom line is that unfortunately there's no simple fix. Each person needs to learn to deal with gender duality until they are able to strike some sort of balance that suits their lifestyle.

Ashley, I agree with Gabi, we each must come to terms with our dual gender identity, but how we get there is an individual journey. For some of us, speaking of our femme identity in the third person may be that compromise between masculine and feminine self. It's not Harry who likes to dress up and look pretty, it's Harriette. For others, this may be the worst thing to do, if it sets the two sides at odds with each other. For me, even though I'm over 60 and have been dressing for almost 50 years, I'm still finding my way down the path. But for me, I'm becoming most comfortable with accepting that I'm a single personality who blends gender.

Wendy

[Nicola2876]

Hi Ashley

I can relate to what you say about feeling anger with yourself about wanting to act girlie and wear femme clothes. All through my teens I hated myself because all my friends were chasing girls and having a great time doing it. Me on the otherhand, I was at home desperately trying to sort my head out about wanting to be a girl and wanting to wear girls clothes.
Over the years I've come to terms with my needs and no longer ask "why me?" I'm in therapy now and along with using this forum I feel better about who I am and which path I want to take.
Talking about it is the key. We're here for you hun. There are lots of people here if you need to talk more about it. :hugs:

[minalost]

I'm a 50 year old crossdresser and still have these types of issues. It does get easier over time though. Once you become more accepting of yourself and less worried about what others think it will become even easier.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself, and never purge you fem things.

Good luck!
:hugs:

[Alicia Grey]

Anger is not a male emotion only, neither is a loving or caring nature a female emotion.

Instead of thinking of a guy side and a gal side, try to bring both extremes together. Let both sides exist in the same person. If one tries to "Put on an act" that is far removed from your base behavior, tensions are likely to ensue.

Realize that you are neither a super macho guy or a super female girl. All of us in the CD community are searching for a comfort zone where we can be at ease with where we want to be on this vast scale from male to female, or female to male.

But then. That is my own non-professional opinion.

[eileendover]

...But for me, I'm becoming most comfortable with accepting that I'm a single personality who blends gender.

Wendy

I agree with Wendy. When we think that each of us must fit into either a masculine or a feminine persona, then conflicts can occur if we see these as mutually exclusive. In reality, no one fits perfectly into either extreme - instead we ebb and flow somewhere in between.

Don't look at it as choosing one side over the other. Think of it as broadening your view of what it means to be an integrated human.

my :2c:

[kimdl93]

I have to agree with all that's said above. We've all experienced it and those of us who are older have wrangled this problem off and on for decades. The end of those angry feelings comes with self awareness and self acceptance. You can just be "You" which is a delightful combination of male and female, your own unique blend. Once your comfortable with yourself its not really then a switching clothes to feel fully yourself. You can be comfortably yourself all the time.

[Holly]

Alicia beat me to it... Trying to cram two people into one body doesn't work out too well. Let your male side take on the role of protector for your girl side and your girl side to comfort your male side. Draw the two together so they co-exist as one. Be happy that you have all this wonderful emotion and energy at your disposal.

[Jill]

What you're describing sounds familiar to me too. I spent 30 years being miserable, hating my life, hating myself, feeling guilty and angry at myself for not being able to get my act together.

I have thankfully come a long way since then, but I had to go to work on myself. I've had to be totally honest with myself and be willing to make any necessary changes. I also had to learn to accept the things about my life that I can't change. Since quitting is not a realistic expectation, I've had to learn to accept that fact and stop trying to change it.

The other important step I had to take was to examine the values and expectations that I have had for myself. I realized my values and expectations were based on what other people valued and what other people expected. I've been working to align myself with my own expectations and my own values and it has saved me a lot of guilt.

The people around me expect me to not crossdress but it's something that I love doing. I've been working to care more about what I want for myself, moving my frame of reference internally instead of externally. Living up to the expectations and values of others is a an impossible battle that I can't win but living up to my own is much easier and much healthier.

[Ashley S]

thanks everyone...I guess I still just can't get my head around it though.

I can't remember what the base personality types are called, but supposedly I'm the one that is extremely logical rather than emotional, cant accept something until the mechanism that causes it is understood, and tends towards structure and perfectionism. This does seem to describe my personality very well, but it causes some synaptic misfires when I try to logically evaluate the desire to crossdress.

I just can't deconstruct it and reach the mechanism. It's not about causality, I'm trying to find the first link in the chain, the initiator if you will.

For some reason I go to genetics...There has to be something in the wiring. Is it possible that the Y chromosome develops more and is stronger in certain people? Is it possible that my personality has developed to include more if the X chromosome than guys who have no desire to crossdress?

[Andy66]

You can just be "You" which is a delightful combination of male and female, your own unique blend. Once your comfortable with yourself its not really then a switching clothes to feel fully yourself. You can be comfortably yourself all the time.
Yes, this works. For some people it may come easy to see things this way; for some it may take lots of practice - but it's totally worth it in the long run.

Also, do you think that you might have some re-thinking to do about gender roles and stereotypes?

Edit: Since you mention logic, ponder this... is there a good reason NOT to enjoy crossdressing? Other than because some other people "say so"?

And since you mention genetics... if you had a cousin, uncle, grandparent or great-grandparent who was a crossdresser, you would probably never know it. Hmmmm...

[eileendover]

Ashley, even if you found out your entire DNA sequence, plus the exact quantities of all the various hormones in you that might affect your masculine/feminine behavior, plus weigh and measure all of the cultural influences you have been exposed to over the years, you will never find the formula which explains you. And even if you did, then what?

As a former engineering major turned psychology major, I've found the best approach is to combine a bit of empiricism with introspection. You will probably never isolate the cause of each of your thoughts and emotions - so just take these as a given. If you start from there, and try to figure out how best to integrate all of these parts of you, you will be on the right path.

Hope we can help you along your journey, Ashley. :hugs:

[mklinden2010]

Many will tell you that anger comes from frustration and it's perfectly natural to feel anger... Watch any babe that wants something and doesn't get it... But, of course, the babe doesn't know that what it wants and when it wants it might not be good for it at the moment. All the babe "knows" is that it is not "happy." Living well is learning how to do so and getting on with life...

The best thing I ever did for "coping" with CDing was to take the plunge and go to a CD support meeting. Unlike many, I was able to dress at home - with the wife's supervision - and drive myself to the meeting. This was after I'd announced I was going and had gone to the store(s) to buy my own clothes - just for this one meeting. Yep, I picked a sparkly cocktail dress, pumps, purse, hose, jewelry, makeup - the works.

So, I show up at the meeting and astonish those present - not knowing that most people sneak off to such meetings, usually partly in drab, or, poorly made up. Unlike most, I walk in and say, "What's up?" to a room full of surprised strangers. The meeting settles down to a lot of "poor me" talk and a lot of, "It will get better" talk. Then we're off for coffee at Starbucks - and to have "real" conversations about politics, military experience, taxes, and so forth...

What surprised me most about myself from the evening was that it occurred to me that I was the same person no matter how I was dressed. I could "play" at being a woman, or, "think" I was a woman, or, "want" to be a woman, but in any case my opinions about things, my work skills, my family history, what I had in the bank - all that stuff was always going to be the same about me in whatever "present" I was in.... So, knowing that I wasn't really being frustrated at being myself in any major way, I figured that I was just going to have to be more "myself" in all times and all places than I had been before that meeting.

Since I now had my own permission to speak up about my politics, opinions, sexual orientation views, etc. at all times where I could work it in, my frustration, and hence my anger-s, dropped down to reasonable levels. Being less uptight about so many things, I was a much more pleasant person to be around, living a much more pleasant life for myself.

PS

Genetics?

Who cares why you like chocolate or vanilla ice cream?

You like what you like. Enjoy it.

[KimberlyJo]

thanks everyone...I guess I still just can't get my head around it though.

I can't remember what the base personality types are called, but supposedly I'm the one that is extremely logical rather than emotional, cant accept something until the mechanism that causes it is understood, and tends towards structure and perfectionism. This does seem to describe my personality very well, but it causes some synaptic misfires when I try to logically evaluate the desire to crossdress.

I just can't deconstruct it and reach the mechanism. It's not about causality, I'm trying to find the first link in the chain, the initiator if you will.

For some reason I go to genetics...There has to be something in the wiring. Is it possible that the Y chromosome develops more and is stronger in certain people? Is it possible that my personality has developed to include more if the X chromosome than guys who have no desire to crossdress?

Quantify and qualify it however you want, but the only way you're ever going to come to terms with it is to accept it and embrace it. Otherwise you're going to be locked into a pattern of self-loathing and repression and depression.

There are some theories about a genetic cause for transgenderism, research prenatal hormonal push theories, you may like that one.

:2c:

[Ashley S]

Also, do you think that you might have some re-thinking to do about gender roles and stereotypes?

The strange thing is I've always been comfortable with the idea that people differ in many ways, and that "normal" is just a term that is used to describe someone who conforms to social convention.

Even growing up in a small rural community, I new that "normal" doesn't necessarily equal "correct", but despite that, "normal" equals "easy".

I just have never been able to accept tautologies like "It is what it is". All that exists is the product of reaction. To understand why something is, you have to understand the means by which it came to be.

Everything happens randomly, but nothing happens for no reason, and I just can't accept that the urge to crossdress differs from that paradigm. There must be an initiator.

I don't know why I approach everything this way...It just makes sense to me, and I have a hard time with nagging uncertainty.

[mklinden2010]

Ashley S.,

May I suggest you increase your formal study of philosophy to help your thinking things through more easily?

"Philosophy is the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind, and language."

Your writing indicates an awareness and willingness to think things through and polishing your logic skills and increasing your awareness of different systems and schools of thought might be just your cup of tea.

And a cup of tea at the right time can be a very good thing...

PS, Normal:

"Being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"

"The norm" is very often an average of all data; it is often a "made up" number in many ways. In fact, it may be an entirely made up number: "2.5 children per household."

So, "within the normal range" can mean only "within 5 points, + or -, of "x" and nothing more than that.

Change the numbers, for example, factor in all data - like include all the distant hermits and not out crossdressers and "normal" becomes less likely for anybody - unless you reset "normal" for a greater range...

Correct census numbers matter. Being out, either in the flesh, or, just in how you think about things and relate in public ("I think state recogized marraiges ARE a contract issue in a non-theological government.") can and does redefine "the norm" IF people will speak up.

But, not to worry, they always do...

[JulieK1980]

The strange thing is I've always been comfortable with the idea that people differ in many ways, and that "normal" is just a term that is used to describe someone who conforms to social convention.

Even growing up in a small rural community, I new that "normal" doesn't necessarily equal "correct", but despite that, "normal" equals "easy".

I just have never been able to accept tautologies like "It is what it is". All that exists is the product of reaction. To understand why something is, you have to understand the means by which it came to be.

Everything happens randomly, but nothing happens for no reason, and I just can't accept that the urge to crossdress differs from that paradigm. There must be an initiator.

I don't know why I approach everything this way...It just makes sense to me, and I have a hard time with nagging uncertainty.


I'm sure there most certainly is an initiator that causes it. I'd be hard pressed to believe its 100% random, but unfortunately it wasn't until very recently that any real studying has been. I kinda lean towards the prenatal hormonal push theory myself, but of course there are probably environmental factors that also influence it.

Either way though, learning the source of the crossdressing won't help your anger or frustration. But learning yourself will.

[Joanne f]

Maybe you are getting mad because you are worried of what you might become so you should just remember that there are many reasons to CD and not all end up wanting to become a female, finding out why you do it might help you cope with it .

[kimdl93]

point where
....you might have some re-thinking to do about gender roles and stereotypes?

... ponder this... is there a good reason NOT to enjoy crossdressing? Other than because some other people "say so"?
....

When I admitted to my therapist that I enjoyed wearing womens undies and nylons, she looked at me without batting ane eye and said "They do feel great don't they." She really helped me understand that there is nothing wrong with cross dressing - the only bad part is making yourself feel guilty for NO reason.

guilt, shame, etc are all toxins. A very good friend from this site told me that she thought it was great to see me feeling confident and sexy...and why not!

[Kate Simmons]

The real skill is to amalgamate all of your feelings. It's really all about feelings whether some admit it or not. Taking ownership of those feelings is the first step to becoming a whole person.:)

[Fab Karen]

There are not masculine & feminine feelings, there are just feelings. Seek out a therapist- there are sliding scale ones available ( you pay a small amount based on your income ) for those with little money.

[Kaz]

One of the many gifts that a CD tendency gives us is to look at alternatives.

If you want to really to experience some of those things you need to open your mind... so open your mind...

Why are you angry?
answer.... xxxxxx

Ask this question 5 times and look for the root cause of your anger...

It will not be about cross dressing. But it may be about acceptance of who you are or want to be.

Kaz xx

[Jamie48]

For me my female time is a time to relax & enjoy. When that time is up I just
return to being a guy again. Some time I long to be en femme but if time doesn't allow then I just wait for the next opportunity. I guess I am to laid
back. There is really no reason to be angry life does go on & you will have other times to enjoy this special gift.

[MarinaKirax]

Without commenting on your analytical approach to the problem (OK, now I'll comment; I approach problems the same way and feel your frustration with non-categorical answers) I'll say that I feel similar feelings.

i have resolved it as a rush of 'perspective' that comes to me after I've dressed, and particularly if there is a sexual element to the dressing. After dressing, sometimes immediately after (blush) you know... I will hate myself and just feel stupid. How silly do I look in these clothes? What if my (fill in the blanks) could see me now? How far outside 'cool' is this? Why do i spend so much energy on this? And how much more to hide it? AHHHHH!

It seems that before the dressing, I can't think of anything else; I'm uber-focussed and the thought of all that joy blinds me. And after, the curtain is whipped away, to reveal silly old me in a dress. These feelings haven't changed one bit in twenty years. For me.

I am happier now, my wife knows. I still feel silly after, but I resolve it again into an acceptance of my 'weirdness', that my wife can accept, and occasionally poke fun at . I don't mean we are all weird, but that there is joy and peace in accepting that we have no one to answer to, but ourselves. Enjoy yourself while on this earth.

"The only life we'll ever know, flies from us, like an arrow from the bow"

[Shayna Ashley]

I get angry with myself sometimes when it comes to my dressing. I am mad at myself that I can't be a regular guy, but when I dress I feel good about myself and forget about everything. When I am back in drab I get sad and angry again. I recently came out to my wife but I feel awkward when she asks about my dressing. She is cool with me dressing as long as I talk to her about it. Sometimes I feel it is too good to be true and this is all a trick.

[Frédérique]

How do I deal with my guy anger?
I just don't know how to deal with this, I think I need some time in my workshop...I need some time with steel and stone to feel like a guy again.
Girl stuff Rocks!

You can be a guy and still be a crossdresser – I’m living proof of that. The last time I said (in a similar post) that you need to learn how to compartmentalize, I was admonished, but that’s what you need to do. There are times when you need to chop wood, and there are times when you need to dress up. It’s as simple as that. These days I dress up to distance myself from male anger, or any other male characteristic, simply because it’s fun to do so, but I also don’t like anger, period, male or otherwise. The older I get, the more nostalgic anger becomes – has crossdressing pushed this paragon of masculinity out of my mind? I hope so. I think you “wear” anger like you wear women’s clothing, and you can accessorize it with fear, guilt, hatred, and many other things you can surely do without. I didn’t set out to extinguish the flames of male anger, but they ran out of fuel when I embraced my true sensitive personality via crossdressing. I was predisposed to this way of life, so the male anger I inherited seemed alien and wrong to me – I didn’t like myself, so I took steps (in femme shoes) to correct this deformity. Guy anger is counter-productive, but at least you have an “outlet” for your better half…:battingeyelashes:

BTW, I read a lot of conflict within your words. I don’t know if you realize how confusing it is to read “I need some (male) time with…stone,” followed by “Girl stuff ROCKS,” but I look for clues everywhere! :heehee:
If you’re young, Ashley, just wait awhile – your anger will eventually subside…

[Ashley S]

Thanks so much everyone...I've been doing a ton of reading and I'm feeling a little better now.

Hopefully I can learn to feel comfortable with myself.

You all are so helpful, thanks again. :love:

[Alice Torn]

Ashley, I can empathize and identify a lot with your conflict. To be human, is to be in conflict.I sometimes call my family of origin, "The Anger Family!" There are reasons, now, that I believe all the males in my family, have secret fetishes, or cd, but guilt and shame keeps it secret. Anger can be lessened some, and is often physical, too. Magnesium, and B-12, B complex, can help us feel less angry, and exercise. I used to be very angry, and ashamed after any sexual release, especially, when dressed!! Now, with very little sex drive, i seldom act out all the way, and that has lessened some of the anger, and guilt and shame. I know that i was the baby, of a very, very unhealthy family, and had hangups since toddlerhood, which i know were related to cding. Don't beat yourself up much, because, there are far worse compulsions, than wearing lady things, once in a while. After all, even J. Edgar Hoover is said to have done it!