Seeking advice about talking to kids about transition

[CharleneT]

{Short version of complex story}

I went full time starting this year. I have a friend whose kids were taken away by DHS last Dec 1. They are being returned to home soon. There will be a period of time where of supervised visits to home etc... to work the kids back in and observe that Mom does well. I have known them for a long time, am on the "Family Team" and I was chosen to help supervise the visits.

What I need advice about is how to best talk to the kids about my transition. In general or specific terms. What is the best way to explain it to them ?? One boy aged 11 and a young girl age 12. Both very smart. Chances are that they had picked up on my feminine side before, although they've not mentioned it. They know me well, but only in my male persona. DHS is just fine with my transition - heck, they asked me to help ... but I am worried about causing any probs during their transition back to home. My current plan is to meet them the first time as D**** and then explain what is up. Then work slowly to "change over" to who I am.

Any advice is very, very welcome ?? !!

Charlene

[Dawn D.]

Charlene,

I sense this as somewhat an honor and a burden for you. It's so nice to hear that the DHS is so open to having you part of the team. As such, if you're out full time now and they asked you to be a part of the team knowing that you are who you are; I might assume that they may expect that you will be presenting as yourself much as you do now, with the children. It truly is a tough call. However, kids are adaptable and 11-12 year old's may be much more accepting than one would expect.

I would think that discussing the issue of who you are may be easier as you present now or close to being as you are, rather than allowing them to envision what you'll be telling them with their imaginations whirling in their heads by presenting in male attire. It would undoubtedly be a bit of a shock for them to see you in those first moments. But, I presume that shock will pass quickly. Perhaps, if you feel you must present in a male image, you might consider doing so in a more androgynous appearance rather than "pure" male. No nail polish, post type earrings, minimal makeup, foundation only no eye shadow or lipstick, minimal eyeliner and maskera; maybe femme jeans and sneakers with a polo style top, or, some such look.

Congrats on being part of the equation to help these kids along!



Dawn

[Kaitlyn Michele]

{Short version of complex story}

I went full time starting this year. I have a friend whose kids were taken away by DHS last Dec 1. They are being returned to home soon. There will be a period of time where of supervised visits to home etc... to work the kids back in and observe that Mom does well. I have known them for a long time, am on the "Family Team" and I was chosen to help supervise the visits.

What I need advice about is how to best talk to the kids about my transition. In general or specific terms. What is the best way to explain it to them ?? One boy aged 11 and a young girl age 12. Both very smart. Chances are that they had picked up on my feminine side before, although they've not mentioned it. They know me well, but only in my male persona. DHS is just fine with my transition - heck, they asked me to help ... but I am worried about causing any probs during their transition back to home. My current plan is to meet them the first time as D**** and then explain what is up. Then work slowly to "change over" to who I am.

Any advice is very, very welcome ?? !!

Charlene

You are so warm and generous in your writing..just be the same way....try to consider what is neccessary to tell them to put them in the best position FOR THEM...that position is to see your confidence and courage ...

you should be ready for ANY reaction..including overly effusive support, silence..etc...my youngest daughter burst into tears and said " i don't understand"...(the hardest moment i've had )...

It's not a good plan to show up as a new person IMHO...i think the "old person" should have a the heart to heart and inform them about the new person and make sure they understand that the guy they count on is going to be there for them...

[CharleneT]

Thank you for your answers ... the two of them combined show the dilemma in my head nicely ;) Which way to go ?

Dawn, :) sweet words and true. The DHS folks have only ever seen me as Charlene. They were given my male name for the background check. You said:

"No nail polish, post type earrings, minimal makeup, foundation only no eye shadow or lipstick, minimal eyeliner and maskera; maybe femme jeans and sneakers with a polo style top, or, some such look."

Well.... that is how I looked when the kids last saw me ! Normally I've worn much more feminine clothes around them. But not over the top - or dresses/skirts etc. It is more a question of name, voice and attitude. Do I do "David" - at least one more time - for them to help ease the change for them?

Kaitlyn ... exactly my worry: a bad reaction. The mother and DHS are taking a chance on this, if the kids react badly then it could make their transition to home harder. A few days ago the mother felt that not telling them until they are home for good was best. I disagree, but do feel I have to be careful.

[melimelo]

My 2 sons (6 years, they're twins) and their mother are visiting from Canada next week, and my wife finally agreed that we should tell them about Melanie. I had the same questions as Charlene and I came up with similar answers. Still it's good to have someone else think the same thing. My own plan is to tell them about me, shortly after breakfast, and then show them and finally go out with them to have some fun.

Sorry for hijacking the thread, but the timing was too perfect...

Cheers,

[Hope]

Children are not nearly as fragile, or as unaware as lots of adults like to think they are. You don't have to worry about breaking them. They really can deal with stuff, and by 10-12, they are just starting to get into the fun stages of adolescence.

At the same time, chances are that you don't want to give them more information than they need or know how to contend with. That is how you can cross over the line from being helpful, to being spooky.

Thankfully, there is a very simple technique for dealing with children and issues like these. You tell them directly what it is they need to know. "Im a woman." That is all they NEED to know, and that may well be the end of their interest. It sounds like they might be pre-occupied with other stuff in their lives right now. If they are interested in knowing more, they will ask you. Kids are great at asking questions. When / if they ask questions, you answer their questions, truthfully, and completely, but without a lot of extraneous information they didn't ask for, or may not be ready for yet. "I thought you were a guy?" is answered simply and honestly "Well, I used to be." Not with a re-cap of your transition to date, or your early longing to be a woman "since I was your age."

There is another bonus to this technique: you never have to wonder if a kid is ready for the information you are giving him - if he asks - he is ready. Kids don't ask questions that they aren't curious about.

Of course - the standard rules apply - you don't HAVE to answer any question you don't want to. Just because children are young does not grant them special privileges as far as access to the lives of others - it simply gives them a pass when they make social gaffs. So if get asked something like "So do you have to sit to pee?" you can simply say "That isn't really a polite thing to talk about" or "I would rather not talk about that."

[Dawn D.]

Charlene,

The following is simply my own opinion and not meant to disavow at all, the credible and just as valid opinions of others who have posted here.

If I may, I'd like to add to what others including yourself have subtly alluded to. I feel it is key that you do not let the issue of who you are become a central focal point of their return home. Should the issue become contentious, thus potentially placing you in a defensive position, it will not help you or them. That dynamic can happen quickly when talking about who we are to those who don't really know or understand who and why we are, when they weren't looking for this topic to begin with nor expecting it (I know this, I've been there, though it wasn't with kids).

Just a short example. Right now, I was struggling with how to explain what has happened to me to a long time business associate that I really haven't seen person to person in years, Yet we still engage in business together. However, he is still a friend and we do have the potential to meet up with each other at any time.You see, I suspect he already knows or has heard through the grapevine. Though, neither of us has mentioned the issue to each other. If I go to him and just tell him all about me or write a letter to him, I then have placed a big bulls-eye on my forehead. Where if I let him come to me and ask essentially, "what's going on?", I have a better audience to give explanation to.

Surely, they will have concerns and questions about you. Answering these questions they have, as Hope has explained, on an as needed to know basis, is the best approach. And again as Hope explained, only those questions that you feel comfortable in answering, IMHO. Go about your business as you normally would with them, but as Charlene. If David is not a part of your life now, leave him out except in the explanation that he once represented you.

I sense that there were some other issues not including who you are, that may be at the core of their not being in their home to begin with? If so, help them to readjust in the familial environment they are (which, of course will include you; Charlene) reentering by more focusing on those real core issues. Those will be more important in making their adjustment successful. I feel DHS see's a role model in you. That's what is important to these kids right now. That's Charlene.


Dawn

[CharleneT]

Hope and Dawn - those answers are both very, VERY, helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to consider it all and give full answers :hugs:

Hope: I feel your suggestions are spot on, and plan on going at it just that way. Thank you !

Dawn: the reasons they are out of the home have nothing to do with me. Their mother is a hoarder and it was discovered by accident by the police - they brought in DHS. Without going into details, I'm one of the reasons they get to try going back. The mom is a good friend, I just am trying to help. So it is important for me to do a good job of that - but appearing different does add some level of confusion... hence my concerns.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I presently have a roommate living with me, who is separated from his wife and every other week one of his children comes for the weekend. His oldest child, a son, about 11 years old has accepted me as a woman and calls me Kim. I simply was myself, didn't give any lengthy explanation why and Cassidy just sees me as another adult.

Personally, I believe that children are more accepting than we give them credit for, we tend to project our own fears onto our children. If we are just ourselves, not act like we are doing something wrong or shameful then kids will accept you. Children are far smarter, more adaptable than we give them credit for. As I always say, be yourself, don't be afraid to be you and they will have no issue with you. Hope this helps. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[CharleneT]

Well... a slight twist. The folks at DHS decided ( without asking ) that it would be better for them to tell the foster mother/father about me, and then have those folks explain it to the kids. First time supervising is tomorrow morning. So, I'll see how it goes. The boy (11) told his mother that he didn't care ;) Sweet kid. The daughter declined to come to the visit; but it is unlikely that that has anything to do with me (they've had a very busy weekend and she gets burned out on too many activities pretty easily).

While I think I understand DHS's thinking ... I do not agree with what they did... that puts it "third hand" and it is hard to say what the foster parents think of TG folks etc.... Oh well, outta my hands now !