Coming out to your SO

[Gillian]

I know this will be covered many times but, wanted to ask again anyway.

If (and it is a massive if due to my embarrassement and fear of the reprisals I will face), I was to confess to my wife who I am sure does truly suspect the truth, how do I go about it, how do I start the conversation, rather than being caught out when not ready, I am asking for advice on how I raise it with her in my way and time?

Thanks in advance,,,,,,,,,,

[KimberlyJo]

There really ought to be a sticky about this topic. I thought there was somewhere, but now I can't find it.

I don't think I can offer any practical advice for you except that before, during and after you tell her you need to reassure her that you love her. She's probably going to feel betrayed that you hid this from her for so long so you will need to expect that and deal with it gently. You said that you think she already suspects it, so at least she won't be completely shocked. But even if she does suspect it she is probably trying very hard not to believe it.

It's a hard conversation to have and although you may feel loads lighter after you finally tell her, remember that your dumping those loads on top of her now. You have to do everything you can think of to help her carry it. You may want to look into a gender counselor who also works with couples beforehand so that you can offer that up if/when she's ready.

I think it's the right thing to do. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best!

[mklinden2010]

If (and it is a massive if due to my embarrassement and fear of the reprisals I will face), I was to confess to my wife who I am sure does truly suspect the truth, how do I go about it, how do I start the conversation, rather than being caught out when not ready, I am asking for advice on how I raise it with her in my way and time?


First, don't "confess." You're not guilty of a formal crime; you're just guilty of being unsure how to talk about this subject with her. Apologize for that and expect some understanding.

Second, this is something that you do, not ALL of who you are and it is obviously not a big enough thing to have destroyed the planet. Nor will it.

Third, before you come out to her, come out to yourself. Say the words about you - to you - until they no longer sound strange to you. Get your story straight in your own head; then you'll be able to get it straight with somebody else.

Fourth, limit how far you will talk about it. Say, "Look, I just wanted to talk about it. If things are not going to go well then let's just drop it for now. I'm sorry I brought it up. Maybe I'm just not ready to talk about my feelings as much as I thought."

Five, be clear about where you're going with this before you begin. If you're TS, then say, "I think I might be TS... Then again, "Maybe I'm just confused." won't get you in much trouble.

Six, this is all much easier if you have indicated some opinions, thoughts, ideas, and behaviors that are consistent with this "new" topic. Life goes along much better if this makes sense based on what they know of you already. You still have time, by the way, to get some of those ideas "out there" to reference later.

Seven, good luck. You mostly have to make your own luck and success usually comes easier if you take it in small steps. "Hey, uh, could I ask you what you think of..." And, don't be cute; they live with you - not a movie, not a book, not an Internet printout. You talk about you, they can check your facts later.

[Joanne f]

How about making a joke of it some time , something like " i think i put some of your undies on by mistake, or "that a lovely skirt can i borrow it" and just see what her reaction is and were it leads .

[Stephanie Miller]

Good luck Gillian. It really doesn't matter what info you get here, or what approach you use, there is always a very high chance it will not turn out well. Just be ready. But for those of us where it turns out on the upside of terrible - it is well worth it. You have a higher degree of respect from your S.O. for being honest. You also live your own life with the knowledge that you are not constantly hiding something from your loved one. That in itself can effect your treatment of them.
With that said... ( yes I'm long winded :doh: ) The approach I have preached to many, that seems to work the best, is to put it on paper. Yes, write her a letter and let her read it -WITH YOU SITTING WITH HER. DO NOT make this a "hit and run" tactic. Most of us get emotional and forget to say things or we see thier reactions so we change what we were really going to say - so we change what we were going to say or don't say it because we fall back to the "I'm protecting her so I won't say it". That is what caused us to hide it from them in the first place. There will be plenty of time for questions and answers after she reads it - but at least she will have all the information up front. There will be no room for speculation or imagination to discolor what you are trying to tell her. No emotions to get in the way of her getting the information. Then let her digest it. She will feel alone and scared. There really is nobody that she can turn to at that time for a shoulder to cry on. She will feel embaressed to tell any of her friends. She will need support and it more than likely will NOT be coming from you.
My wife and I have always made ourselves available to couples where the S.O. was just informed. Most of the time just a simple cup of coffee on a park bench so the wives can chat ALONE while the men tale a walk is a HUGE help. Maybe you can find such a support group in your area.
Good luck and keep in mind there are great GG's on this board for her to talk to.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Stephanie is giving you very good advice..the biggest mistake (i made it) is to tell part of it, and leave some out...imagine a supportive response only to realize you left out the part about............

Also maybe you can think about this...

Right now you have all these conflicting thoughts, you may feel all kinds of emotions from pride and hope to guilt or shame...

she will feel those things too, and she won't have a whole lifetime to figure it out...

i think sometimes we try to convince or persuade and it doesnt always work..

you just tell the story as best you can and then see what happens..let your love for her guide you through it

Good luck to you and her...

[Andy66]

I find that watching a movie together can be pretty good for breaking the ice. Mrs. Doubtfire and To Wong Foo come to mind. Good luck. :thumbsup:

[ver0n1c@]

Its very important to be honest. there are many things i kept from my SO for a long time, and after i came clean, we discussed the aspects of myself. she wanted to know how far i wanted to go with it and what she could do to help, at the time she didnt realize that just listening and asking the right questions was the best help for me. she handled the load by doing research, and trying to understand why i felt the way i do. In the end, establishing that im a TS, CD was incredibly easy. I cant promise that your SO will have the same reaction, but maybe asking her to do her own research and join this site will help. Good Luck! Im here for you if you need help!

[Shelly Preston]

There really ought to be a sticky about this topic. I thought there was somewhere, but now I can't find it.



The sticky thread is at the top of the male to female section

There is also a link in my signature to the same thread

It has lots of great information and good advice

[Gillian]

Thank you for the advice I shall visit the sticky post and have a good read, then give it some very deep and long consideration because as they say,

Once the Genie is out that bottle,,,,,,,

[sallyjones]

i am one of the fortunate ones, beings i have a SO that accepts me as i am. the one thing i can tell you is that you cant break it to her all at once. that causes overload and she will try to escape. little things at first. then show her your avatar picture. only if she is still cool with it. at first it is going to be part time and few and far between. she will ask questions like" are you gay?", "do you want to be a woman?" things like that. let things soak in so if its a bad response you can back off and go at it again later. dont drive off a bridge and then change your mind, its to late then and noone wants to lose a good girl.:2c:

[wanda jackson]

I find that watching a movie together can be pretty good for breaking the ice. Mrs. Doubtfire and To Wong Foo come to mind. Good luck. :thumbsup:

Ha-Ha, I used ED WOOD with Johnny Depp once to break the ice.

It worked!

[sonia_dargency]

Gillian - this is serious matter - I did it wrong and we went through months of domestic hell

Do your homework - ask the GGs - they know better
Marla had a thread/article about how to put the odds in your favor - find it

I would keep in sight one major aspect: it's not about you and what you can get, rather about what you can bring to her.

there is no other way anyway, too long a lie is no good for nobody.

Good luck - courage

[Sheila]

Be prepared to have lots of questions asked, some may be repeated several times and in several different ways, or she may not want to talk about it, she may already have done some research and know a lot about TGism. Whatever you do do not make a joke of it :eek:

When you do decide to tell her, you could also tell her about the Forum, and The FAB section here, where she can come chat with those of us who are/have been where you two are and where she can come ask anything she wants to other GG's

Good luck:hugs:

[Gillian]

It is such a really bizarre situation I have been waiting for the fallout of Monday's hint's and comments to me and had nada nothing, not even a subliminal hint, so I actually do not want to prompt the conversation instead I have decided that if I can keep it covered I shall, and it I am asked then I will be 100% truthful in declaring my love of Crossdressing to her and follow the methods above, I am a very level type of person in that scenario and will discuss the most difficult of situations with relative ease so I shall only at that time,

1. avoid denial of my actions
2. explain the reasons I have within me that drive me to crossdress
3. Re-affirm my love and care for my wife
4. Totally and utterly wing it from that point :drink:

I think what I am learning, is that each case is totally different!

[Cutedot]

Gillian,

When my BF told me about his CDing, I took it in stride. I like to consider myself an open-minded person, and I'm always willing to experiment something before passing judgement. In this case, I accepted his story, then 10 minutes later, I hopped on my computer to research what it would mean FOR ME.

I was lucky to find a support group for SO's only (no CDs allowed), where I could go and vent, ask for advice, share my stories, and, most importantly, learn from women who had taken this path before me. It was a fundamental part of my acceptance and (now) support of his CDing.

At this support group we have a motto: communicate, cuddle, compromise. It's a simple recipe to create/negotiate boundaries that make the CDing comfortable to both partners. I don't know if you've ever heard of the CD's and Wives Bill of Rights. It's a list of "expectations" that can be a wonderful starting point to discuss how, where, and how much CDing will be present in your lives. Check it out: http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html

If and when you decide to come out to your spouse, I suggest you be forthcoming. Don't say "I think I am a CD..." Instead, say "I am a CD". Don't create an expectation that this might be temporary, or cured. She'll be confused enough as it is, try not to add to her confusion. Be honest, be loving, answer all her questions, and cuddle. Lots of cuddling, always. I also suggest you give her the address to a support group (I'd be glad to PM you with info on the one I'm in). It always helps to know you are not alone...

From what I hear from other SO's, telling is always a risk. She might decide this is too much, and leave. But, for those SO's who choose to stay, they usually agree that, when the CDer is caring and respectful of the SO's needs, it brings their relationship to a much higher level. They become happier people. With no secrets and no fears, they are free to build a much more intimate relationship, a true partnership.

Best of luck to you.

Dot

[Sheila]

Gillian from an this SO view point, hinting does nothing, I wished my EX had been honest with me,
A) from the start or
B) when I discovered
......... the damage he did with not telling me from when we first got serious, then by avoiding or downright lying from when I did find out, killed our relationship stone dead.

Debs has always been open upfront and honest from the start, (she could hardly hide the fact she was TG since we met on here :D:heehee:), but never not once has she given me any reason to worry about her TGism, with her I have no scary dark corners that need lights shining on them and it all helps.

If your wife does decide to investigate your recent hints and discovers your cding, she may then wonder what else you are hiding :doh: ........... if you ever have that conversation remember we have a fantastic GG only part of the forum called FAB, where she can come talk with the rest of us GG's

[Sandra]

From a GGs point of view waiting any longer is gonna do no good. If and when she finds out she will most likely feel deceived, not trusted and most of all hurt that you could not be totally honest with her.

For a lot of SOs it's not the cding that causes the problems it's one, or all of the above.

[mklinden2010]

I have to agree with the last three or so posters.

You both have a huge issue hanging over your heads like a piano on a rope. Face facts and deal with 'em.

Go back to the point in time where Cding came up and say:

"You know what? The other day when this came up I should have had the guts to be more honest. But, the thing is I do have something to say about all that."

And, then get on with it.

Stalling around, putting things off, waiting for the perfect time, leaving "you could have - should have" points accumulating in the past - is just going to hurt MORE when it comes up in the future.

Be honest about being honest.

It's the best thing to do for both of you.

[Gillian]

I appreciate the comments, I have in the past dressed for my wife to "show" her, this came after a discussion about my liking for CD'ing that somehow came up, this was in 1988/89 ish. When she then saw me she took a bit of a fright / shock thing and I very quickly had to re-dress.

So, she knows, or she knew for absolute certain then and we had the "I thought you were a man" and the "why couldn't I have married someone normal" chats then. But, that was where it ended.

Over the years when I have on occasion left tiny traces and got caught out. She knows! she doesn't like it but she knows.

Last Monday, she picked up on a tiny amout of trace evidence infinitesimal in size and importance, but again she said something that confirms that she knew exactly what had gone on.

I for the sake of sanity do know that if I open up and tell her, a lot will change for the worse as this way we seem to have an ask no questions and I'll tell you no lies thing going on and I wonder if this is how it will have to stay. I have been caught out so many times with foundation, make-up stains on towels, mascara still showing, clothes, dozens probably I can't recall, but if she still will not raise this with me, I feel too upset to do this myself.

I don't know if this will alter any of the advice above or not, but rest assured she does know about me and doesn't seem to want to know right now.

[mklinden2010]

>>I don't know if this will alter any of the advice above or not, but rest assured she does know about me and doesn't seem to want to know right now.


OK, so if she already knows you (at least) dress and you've both been aware of this since 98/99, so what is the conversation you want to have with her now?

Something is prompting you to give this a lot of time and energy, but it doesn't sound like the issue is telling her about Cding, but about telling her something else...

What is it that is really on your mind to talk to her about?

1) You're unhappy with the status quo?
2) You're moving up or down the bell curve?
3) Something else?

Whatever it is, you have to put it into words if you want to talk about it and these forums are a great place to hash out ideas.

Meanwhile, I find this very telling in itself:

>>So, she knows, or she knew for absolute certain then and we had the "I thought you were a man" and the "why couldn't I have married someone normal" chats then. But, that was where it ended.

Boy, not a good place to end.

Lucy, you still "got a lotta 'plainin'" to do....

[TGMarla]

There really ought to be a sticky about this topic.

There is a sticky on it. Right here, written by our very own lovely MarlaGG.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841

Check it out. Very informative. Great insight.

[Gillian]

>>

What is it that is really on your mind to talk to her about?

1) You're unhappy with the status quo?
2) You're moving up or down the bell curve?
3) Something else?

Whatever it is, you have to put it into words if you want to talk about it and these forums are a great place to hash out ideas.


Boy, not a good place to end.

Lucy, you still "got a lotta 'plainin'" to do....

OK, well the not a good place to end thing. That took place when I was in my early 20's and we were both quite naieve dare I say, and we were both equally unable to deal with the fallout and issues. Now, today I have had the benefit of this place to open my eyes and have gone from being almost ashamed of my pleasure in CD'ing, to simply having such pleasure and enjoyment.

Our Marriage is not as happy as it was, and for several reasons unrelated to CD'ing those are job and earnings, plus the total change in my wife since giving birth she has not gor PND, but has become "Attila the Mum!" this has actually driven me more to my femme side than away from it in truth.

I do NOT at this stage want to transition, I have given that total consideration and can say honestly I cannot entertain that as I would make one Fuggly woman! I love being and feeling through CD'ing but am happy to not take that next step. If my world was different and I had a limitless pot of money for treatment and FFS etc then I might explore this but right now this life, i.e. reality, again no. I do admit that I would adore the chance to dress fully en famme, and be passable enough to go out shopping and do coffee! I'd love that thrill, but thats another matter entirely!

As for the effort, it is because of getting "caught out" I want to have my thoughts clear and present to be able to handle it maturely and explain myself having had the benefit of reason from others.

I in myself have never felt happier, due I feel to my renewed dressing experience's, but, I am actually quite sad in the marriage and long for true happiness again, I have tried to talk about this and raised it several times but my SO cannot fathom any issue and dismisses my comments point blank, and indeed I get a lot of grief for causing the unhappiness! so vicious circle time!

This is possibly a much more revealling post? I wonder if I am leaning on the CD side as escapism?

If anyone can shed some light on how I should be preparing indeed what I need to prepare for.

So that's where my head is right now and for the past six or nine months.

[mklinden2010]

Well, some things change. As, for instance, your wife is probably dealing, on some level, with raising a child to maturity without ANY major complications to that process, and, at the same time, raising "a child who will be happy, well adjusted, and a positive contributor to society." More than many, she is suddenly aware that it takes "at least" a village to raise a child, including, YOU being as helpful as possible.

Some things don't change. You are who you are and you will do what you do, even if only in your mind, because it's organic to your being. You think, so there you are... And, there you all are... There's always this "rub" to all that you do. So far.

So, smooth off the edges. Take the common "worse case" scenario: gay people raising kids. Sounds awful: "It's just gonna ruin those kids!" Well, where did all the gay people come from? That's right, heterosexual unions and marriages. Oops.

Fact is, there are all kinds of people, all kinds of marriages, all kinds of situations. What kind do most people like? HAPPY ONES!

So, pay attention to not being happy and do something about it as a couple, as a group. You wife, your kids, you... All need to stick together for everyone's benefit, right? So, work it out. Avoiding it is just creating friction and that will rub off on the kid(s). You both need to play the cards you have to play the best hand you can. Two heads are better than one, in many ways.

Take some leadership on the happiness principle and steer for good outcomes, not all-around stalemates where everyone is uptight.

"Yeah, he's a nut, maybe. But, he's good to me and the kids and he/she takes care of business. So, live and let live. It works for us."

Oh, and are you escaping into cding? If you think so, then maybe you are leaning on it too much. Lean the other way and restore some balance to all that by seeking happier living for everybody. That's fair. And, smart.

[Gillian]

You raise a number of very valid points, and I will offer my perspective on them as best I can.

I have always been 100% supportive of my wife and then my daughter and try to spend as much time with her as I can but it doesn't come naturally to me to be a parent, it was never a planned thing as she was the result of food poisoning and the effect on the birth control pill, so that little gem is out in the open, but it happened and I adore her so things change. I have tried to do so as well and indeed have plenty of fun with my daughter just her and I be it cycling, at the beach at the pool swimming.

My wife has undergone a real personality change even her father who she is particualrly close to see's this and doesn't like it either but as my SO can't see it cannot see therfore she has any problem to deal with!

I also take on board the priciple of taking leadership over the happiness and have tried to do this on so many occasions it's not true as I am one of lifes optomists by nature but eventually you get to the point of wondering what the point is in such behaviour as it gets rebuffed at each and every turn.

As for using or hiding in my CD'ing. My opportunity to regularly dress has only come about in the past few months, my situation has been this way since about 2004, so I cannot simply attribute my situation to a crutch in CD'ing.

Your point about gay parenting is very valid and one that I fully endorse as those who want to be partents I mean "WANT!" tend to make wonderful ones for the right reasons and society is wrong to make sweeping statements about suitability and home life. But, this isn't my concern.
I will not be looking for acceptance to dress infront of my wife and NEVER around others in my family, I am seeking only the understanding that it does happen in private alone, and not to go looking for it, live and let live.

I don't think that is too great an ask?

I am reading every word written here carefully and giving it thought, I think

[mklinden2010]

>>I don't think that is too great an ask?

Nope, it's not too much to ask at all - and by asking and offering a solution, you're presenting a reasonable and workable outcome.

Meanwhile, it seems you make some excellent points about everyone's lives being made better by your patient and giving examples with your daughter and your wife.

You're shooting for better and that is a praiseworthy thing.

Good for you - and yours.

[Kerigirl2009]

For me I was on vacation with my wife and kids and I was planning on telling her when we where alone. many times alone I was chickening out, so on an evening that we stopped in the bar at the hotel, I needed a couple of drinks to settle my nerves (just 2) and On our way back to our room we where walkimg and talking about childhood memories. I mentioned how I was jealous about how my sister got the pretty clothing and I got underroos. And she said something to the effect that she knows I have a thing for panties and I agreed with her but then I went into more detail about how I still enjoy wearing panties.
She then asked me in more detail and I was kind of forced at that point to spill it all.
I told her it wasn't just the panties but bras and skirts and dresses and pretty much all that a woman can wear.
She was taken back but was having a hard time believing me, So she asked if I was wearing panties at that time and I told her yes, then she basically said prove it. So I showed her. Not noticing the people standing on their deck listening to our conversation. (not that I cared)

So all in all it went pretty well, I started from the beginning. Good luck in your choices. :)

[sonia_dargency]

Have you ever tried foot massage?

I am convinced that CD is not the real issue in couple, however disturbing it might be. and your posts seem to relate more to other issues than crossdressing.

personally, my wife and I went through a lot together, CD is only one of the last thing.
Since I came out and looked for acceptance, I worked on other major issues that were hindering my persona: quit a career I hated, reconnect with my parents and siblings, learned to be less selfish and more caring.

Hence the foot massage, twice a week I take care of her feet. SHE - LOVES - IT !
I always pour her glass first, wait for her to start anything, hold the doors, tie her shoes, color her hair, make sure she has what she needs, do what she asked me a thousand times to do, do not get upset when she point out a mishap, listen to her Martha Stewart stories...

and it feels great not to be a jerk.

She still does not like the idea of me in a dress, yet when I relax and my manners become a bit feminine, she just scoffs with a half smile: "you are such a girl" or "stop being a lady". but starts to discover that me being also a bit of a woman is not that bad.

Hope it helps.

Best of luck