Thanks, One More Time.......(or, does it ever end?)

[VictoriaP]

I suppose that this should be considered a 'follow-up' to the plea I posted for advice a few weeks back. (See "need some advice"). Unfortunately, it is not a "happy" follow-up. In fact, since a full 2 1/2 years has passed since I sat down with my wife and came fully 'out' to her, I do not think that I could have predicted, even a couple of months ago, that I would be in this position. I have always been so proud that my wife was supportive of me and that she was so accepting. I do not mean to say that the path to that acceptance was, at first, totally smooth, but we worked through it, I thought, until recently.
At any rate, I took all the advice I was given by all of the wonderful members of this community, and sat down with my wife once more and asked her why she had apparently changed in her"attitude" toward my Cd'ng; and I must say I was amazed at how close to the truth so many of you ladies had come in your postings, regarding her feelings about my dressing. However, her feelings went even deeper and were much more derisive toward me than I had ever anticipated. I was told that, yes, I dressed up too much; even if it was just wearing en femme clothes (no make-up, wigs, forms)while hanging out at home; she confirmed that she indeed wondered where the man she had married had gone, etc. etc.
But then she told me, through tears and sobs, that watching me "flit" around that house and wanting to "walk like a woman" made me look ridiculous and made her feel sickened. She seems to have reverted back to the place that she was at more than 2 years ago when I first broached the subject.
When I asked why she had stopped talking to me about it, when she felt threatened, sickened, confused, etc, she said she thought it would be easier to just make me feel
embarrassed then confront the feelings head on. (She did this by treating me with derision; and also repeatedly telling me how "handsome" I am when dressed in drab.)
I listened to every word she had to say. I did not feel angry, or upset, just relieved that I had finally gotten her to talk to me about it. But when I asked her to tell me how much dressing up was tolerable for her, I recieved no answer; I asked her to think about it and let me know, and it is now nearly a week and she has not mentioned it. So once again, I will broach the subject and hope that I can get some idea about what she is thinking/feeling.
My fear is that she is going to say that she cannot tolerate it at all. I really do not want to go back to the closet in my own home. But somehow I have the feeling that that is where I am headed...............
Anyway, sorry for the long posting; I just felt the need to let everyone that took time to offer advice an update. (BTW, I did ask her if she thought it would help to chat with other GGs about this, and her response was that she did not think that she was inclined to discuss it with anyone.)
I am so conflicted and unsettled.........I just want to reach a resolution of some kind. is that unreasonable? Or am I in too much of a hurry?
Thanks to all---Vicky

[noeleena]

Hi ..
The advise given is great . your s o is right . you were a man to start with as in marrage & along the way you are changing & as to how far will be the ?? she will have ups & downs for a long while , take your time dont push it ,if you do you both will lose,

its taken Jos & i, 8 years of hell & we are just two women liveing in our own home & when i came out to Jos was 12 years ago, so think along the lines of a long time , she is a woman & i think like her .well as a woman , so yes its very hard to come to terms with .
& i had to think how would i deal with this as a woman,
oh yea ,
I m not going to say oh no probs sorry, i would be struggling & yes it would be very very hard to say the least . thats as a woman speaking . not a male ,
Heres a hard ? can you step back for a while . i know your aggatated ,
when you can see both sides clearly that will help , get in her shoes & come from her side then you ll undrestand what she is going through , i dont mean you wear them think from her point of view ,
I wish you both well & hope you both can work it out .

...noeleena...

[Wen4cd]

V, here's my initial take, may be wrong, disclaimer of internets, etc...

The state your wife was in when she said these things, expressed these feelings, is a temporary state. It's likely going to always be there, in reserve. What she expressed is not a direct representation of what she feels about the bigger picture, but a certain 'point of view' which has been overwheling her, recently.

Why would she revert?

Her needs are not being met, likely. Some thread was picked up and left off, some promise about this left unfulfilled. Maybe she is dissapointed that your transformation did not bring you both closer together in a way that benefitted her at her core needs.

I'd guess dressing is a side-issue that it taking the blame for the larger one. It is implied, that when you explore yourself, you should become a more well-rounded person, and more able to meet other's needs in a relationship. And when these needs or wants go unmet, she reverts to the state that CDing is a useless, overly-selfish gesture.

Maybe she feels that you are still distracted too much with the clothes themselves, with the surface-level symbolism, and have not been putting as much work into caring, compassion, empathy, and other things that make relationships satisfying and rewarding.

Meeting someone halfway, someone you love, and finding out that what you both really want is the same thing at the core, is the essence of relating, and is a wonderfully empowering thing for both parties.

Instead of asking her how much crossdresing you are 'allowed' to do, try asking her what specific incident caused her to start feeling this way again, and how that felt at the time. Doesn't take much to start a cycle again. One afternoon of 'flitting' when she needed a different energy from you is enough to make someone feel abandoned, and off it goes.

(Sounds to me like she's got the image of you 'flitting around the house' equating to "paying attention to yourself and ignoring me.")

We CD to express ourselves, to find ourselves, and to complete ourselves towards balance. One 'expression' of balance, probably the most important we can learn, is the give and take in a relationhip with a partner. For as much as you want and need to crossdress, your SO has an equal need somewhere.

It's the same need: to be known, and loved. Somewhere, each person has an image set representing that need. Find her inner image of it, and you can feel it is the same, speak on it, and try to meet it. You'll know when you are, because her heart will start to sing more.

[Thalia]

V: I've read so many posts on this site relating to coming out to our SOs. Most say "take it slow" and insinuate that "she'll come around to accepting our cding, perhaps with some limits. Well, my feeling is that if you're telling your SO after years of a relationship, telling her that you're a cder will have a profound impact on most, if not all, relationships. Granted, a few may adjust and "come around" and the marriage can survive (and, perhaps, thrive). But, my feeling is that they are few. I truly believe that the vast majority of marriages are adversely affected. Couples may stay together (for many reasons) but the marriage has changed. I too came out to my wife and did so gently, providing her with reference materials and resource sites. She did her homework and wanted to stay together. It's now over a year, still in therapy, no intimacy, because she can't be sure what's going on in my mind. Am I thinking like a woman during sex?.....Do I crave sex with a man?.....She is repulsed by me physically. Of course, she is also furious for the deception and feels I owed her the truth before marriage so she could have made an informed decision regarding marriage. Some of us escalate our dressing and eventually want to dress 24/7 or transition. She fears that also. She never wanted this to be a part of her life. I get that. She's right.

[Emma Leigh]

My feelings are Thalia has pretty much hit the nail on the head! And I also think your SO will want your dressing to stop completely, and maybe feels that the fact you dress at all, makes her feel inadiquate, chances are, and I am drawing on my own experiences here, is that she may, and I say may, feel that it is because you do not find her attractive enough, you are dressing to find the stimulation you dont find in your relationship with her!

[ggtracy]

I agree with Wen4cd- that was a very insightful post. sometimes we just need a short break, a reminder that we are important and special too.