What happens to a couples social life?

[Midnight Skye]

So I've been pondering and pondering what keeps myself from transitioning to fulltime. I know my personal problem with the decision revolves entirely around the reaction I had when I first told my wife I needed to explore going full time for myself. She emotional broke and then didn't recover till I let her know I would be waiting on transitioning for now.

So what's stopping me? An emotionally broken wife, something I dread to face again. And what made her break? From her: she married a man, she wants a future with a man, she wants to dance with a man, she wants to go out on dates with a man. Note that I live full time at home as a female now.

So my question to those that have transitioned with wifes/female partners, what happens to a couples social life?


We've gone out many times driving with me driving her places and me getting out to pick things up (enfem). And we've gone inside together once which wasn't bad at all. But altogether she and I are having a difficult time imagining what we'll be to the world together with me as a woman. I suppose It makes us look like a lesbian couple... or two female friends out and about. The catch being I'm quite touchy feeling in public. I like to hug on her, hold her hand, give her little kisses on the cheeks/back of head. And just in general hold her close. What kind of attention will this kind of interaction get us when I'm enfem?

So that's the stressful spot I'm at -sighs-. Hopefully I'll figure this all out soon. On the bright side my wife and I are getting along real well right now, we're both sick as dogs and have been sleeping ~14 hours a day. We've been spending our few waking hours laughing are butts off while racing/crashing karts in mario kart wii :) The small joys in life are something to treasure.

[Nigella]

As a couple, Sandra and I have enjoyed the same social life as a female couple as we did as a hetro couple.

This sort of issue is only going to be dealt with by yourselves as a couple. The first priority is to ensure that the two of you are comfortable with being out and about as a female couple. If either of you have any qualms about what it will mean in the way of comments, stares and all the other things that draw attention to yourselves, then you should think about how to deal with them before they happen.

Sandra and I have learnt over the years to just get on with what we want to do. Most peeps notice, look, make a comment to who they are with and then get on with their lives. This is how you should deal with any social situation.

Just my :2c:

[GypsyKaren]

We live a normal life as a lesbian couple now, we go where we please and hold hands like we always did. We don't go overboard (no sex on the sidewalks, etc.), but we didn't before my surgery either because "there's a time and place" for that, and walking into Walmart ain't it. I really don't know or care how others react to us because we're none of their business or concern, plus I seriously doubt that they care how we react to them. I will say that we haven't been chased by any rabid, stone throwing mobs yet, so I would guess that people don't care, which is exactly what they should be doing.

Karen :g1:

[Sammy777]

I would stop worrying and trying to figure out what others "Might" think of you as a [lesbian] couple.

The bigger - more important issues are:
How does she feel about losing her man?
How does she feel about entering into a lesbian relationship with her [soon to be former] husband and future woman?
Could she ever feel comfortable in a lesbian relationship?
Can/Could she handle/want to stay in the relationship once you are fully a woman [if that is your goal]

And what about you???
Well to be honest - right now it is less about you wanting to become what you feel you are and more about the repercussions doing so will have on your wife.

We tend to put the blinders on sometimes and get all "its all about me and what I need to do."
Not saying there is anything wrong with that, time n place for everything.
BUT - that is not something you can freely do when you have a SO.

You [by becoming her] are basically killing off Her husband.

Yes it is still you inside, but she married the inside AND the outside!

Does she love you enough to stay?
Do you Love her enough to NOT change?

If you have to go ahead with it till the end -----
Do you Love her enough to let her go [as a SO],
and let her find a new man and be happy just being her friend?

[Jennifer in CO]

Samantha hit a lot of really good points. My wife dealt with me living full time as a woman for almost 5 years before she said she wasn't a lesbian, married a man, and would like him back again. In those 5 years we had far more wonderful times than rocky times (need less than one had of fingers to count them), and our similar small public displays of affection had to be noticed since we were two attractive females holding hands, hugging and so forth. So she lived as a lesbian in public and at home but in bed we were man and wife - just a man with bigger breasts than his wife. You will need to get (if your not already) counseling. You will need to do some talking - freely - between each other. Above everything, communicate with her so she feels a part of whats going on and not you disappearing and being replaced by 'her'. Listen to her. Yes you have needs, wants and desires, but she does to and I'll bet they involved 'him' not 'her'. If you believe it, then you need to convince your wife that 'him' and 'her' are the same person and they can live/work together in the relationship. Is there anything about 'her' that she likes? Draw that out - listen to her and grow from there as a starting point.

In short I can say - been there, done that, it ain't easy girl!

Jenn

Jenn

[Sheila]

it is an interesting question you pose Katlyn, and one Debs and I are hopefully going to find out about for real (we are currently in the process of moving home, .... far enough away from where her kids are not to be involved on a daily basis or run into someone who knows Dad as Debs, yet near enough for her to still see her kids om a regular basis) .......... it is my hope that with the freedom to be Debs on a more permanent basis that she will become more comfortable with herself and that in turn will allow us to build up a social circle who know her primarily (if not exclusively) as Debs:)

I do tend to agree with Karen when she says
WI really don't know or care how others react to us because we're none of their business or concern, plus I seriously doubt that they care how we react to them. I will say that we haven't been chased by any rabid, stone throwing mobs yet, so I would guess that people don't care, which is exactly what they should be doing.

will watch this with thread interest :hugs:

[Hope]

I think this brings to light one of the most painful parts of human relationships. Specifically, that one can never truly know what another person is thinking or feeling. We empathize and we talk, but as we all know, all to often we get the questions and the answers wrong.

You are in a hard place right now, because of competing commitments. Your wife has said that she loves you unconditionally - but she has also been pretty clear that she is only interested in men. Obviously those are incompatible and which one will win out over time, only time will tell. But I don't envy you.

I really don't think that this is about the social pressure being a lesbian couple will produce. I think this is much more fundamental than that. This is about your wife not being a lesbian. Hard to fault her for that.

At the same time, female sexuality is much more fluid than male sexuality - all hope for you is not lost. I think it is past time for some serious examination of your relationship and each other. It is time to talk about what it is that she loves about you. If it is just your penis, then get a clone-a-willy and be done with it. But I would bet a good chunk of money that it is more than that. The realization that needs to happen - for both of you - is that THIS is the important part of the relationship. That part of what she loves about you, versus some burley jock, is that you are a girl. That if you were not a girl, you would not be the person she loves. Part of what she loves is the ability to sit around and play mario-cart with you without wanting to strangle you every time you zing her with the red turtle. You can build a healthy sexual relationship on that.

The question the two of you need to confront is this: That man, that person your wife wants to dance with - is that you, or some faceless guy? And it is a fair question to ask. If it is just some faceless guy - male or female - you probably shouldn't be together... if on the other hand it is you - male or female won't make much of a difference.

You need to have some intentional conversations about these issues - and there need to be more than just a few of them. This is serious stuff, and you need to be aware of her needs, and she needs to be willing to work with you.

[Midnight Skye]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful posts here. This gives me some things to think about and discuss with her.

Some of the harder questions we already know. She doesn't like that she's lost her man and the "man" has pretty much left the building at this point. I live in my house presenting as female (95% of the time). And she's accepted this along with her sons (who are older but still living with us).

As for her perception of living as a lesbian... its probably the biggest problem we have. Just as you stated Hope, she isn't a lesbian. She loves me, but she isn't attracted to femininity/females. Without attraction and eventful evenings... we fall into a mode like roommates which she had with a previous husband and dreaded. We both think we may be able to skirt around some of these feelings with our more diverse bedroom life (were quite kinky), but its awkward for the moment.

As for the man, she wishes it were me and that I could somehow fill that roll. Honestly if I were simply a cross-dresser she'd be next to perfect. Thank you all for the advice. I think I need to get off my butt and get some house things done to get on her best side... then talk about some more serious things about how she views our future and how I view my future.

The toughest part for me is I can't imagine growing old as a man... it feels like such a bleak hollow existence for me. All the same I think we may be able to make things work. Thanks everyone!

[Sammy777]

The toughest part for me is I can't imagine growing old as a man... it feels like such a bleak hollow existence for me. All the same I think we may be able to make things work. Thanks everyone!

I really hope everything works out for the best between you and her. Look Luck and Best Wishes. Sam

[lizlizzie]

Do you Love her enough to let her go [as a SO], and let her find a new man and be happy just being her friend?

For a year, my SO (MTF) and I have tried to figure out how to save our marriage, because we love each other. After Christmas, she said it was over. I was lost by that decision by her, because she also said she loves me and will always love me. After 3 weeks, it came out that she had decided that because she didn't think it was fair for me to live half a life. 1) Why do I keep seeing this position that if you love us you will let us go? and 2) Why is that your decision and not mine? As the wife, I resented her making that decision for me; I am capable of making decisions for myself.

I thought her decision it was over was because she had changed her mind about loving me and maybe now with the hormones she preferred men, especially since she is 38 and I am 50 I feared that she had decided she no longer found me attractive. When I learned that this belief that she was doing what was best for me was the basis for her saying it was over, I made my position known and we are back on track. Love is too precious and too rare to throw away.

I would really like to know why those who are TG think this; I worry that since I don't understand why that it will come up again; and would encourage anyone thinking this that they talk to their SO and not make that decision for them.

[Sammy777]

Do you Love her enough to let her go [as a SO],
and let her find a new man and be happy just being her friend?



I would really like to know why those who are TG think this; I worry that since I don't understand why that it will come up again; and would encourage anyone thinking this that they talk to their SO and not make that decision for them.

Hi Liz

I guess to clarify, I meant:
If your wife decided to leave you because she wanted/needed to be in a relationship with a man and not another woman could/would you be capable of letting her go find happiness with [another] man and be a big enough person to not resent her for doing it and also be able to carry on a relationship with her afterwards, but solely as a friend.

I agree Liz.
I think leaving your wife solely because "You" think it will be better for "Her" in the end is a freakin cop out.

It is something to be discussed by both of you, but I feel it is solely HER choice to stay or go.