Are we that bad?

[Lucy_Bella]

Before I start , PLEASE do not continue if you are open with your dressing and think it's the next best thing compared to sliced bread

Thanks

Are we that bad? I read some post here like everyone ( even lurkers ) I also answer in some.The biggest concern I have noticed is acceptance!

Not only from our loved ones but ourselves, we seem to not accept ourselves? Did you just read that? Now I am also speaking for myself as having a accepting S.O. I have the same problem I can not accept myself!

No this is not all the time but it seems to go in cycles, I am thinking out loud right now but it seems that a rash of THREADS have been posted about self acceptance here latley , or is it just me?


I will admit I favore my male side more , I have feelings after I dress that are over whelmingly ashamed of doing the girl gig.. I feel I rob my true nature ( or what I was taught to be ) and maybe thats why.. I feel quilt , and that I have not only let myself down but others who depend on me.

I enjoy and look forward to dressing and during I wish it would never end , but deep down inside I know it has to. But shortly after I hate myself, but soon that feeling also goes away.

Is this something you find yourself doing?

Thanks :eek:

[Jamie48]

I accept myself completely. I enjoy my male side & I also enjoy my femme side. I think both male & female sides make me a better more understanding
person overall. I can relate to both sexes very well. I have no felling of guilt this is just who I am & have learned to live with it.

[Karren H]

I don't think it's better than sliced bread... that's such a high standard to hit!! and I don't mind if I dress of go play ice hockey... most days I's rather go play hockey... anyone can dresses like a girl but not everyone can put a slapshot through the golies 5 hole from the point!! and I NEVER EVER hate myself.... I am who I am and do what I do because I don't have any choise.... and I accept that... Lifes too short to get upset and to not like yourself....

[Tanya C]

You know, there is a middle ground between self loathing and sliced bread. In my case I embrace my crossdressing but I also recognize that there are a lot of struggles associated with it. Most things in life that are worthwhile have difficulties.
But in my mind crossdressing is well worth it.

[Rianna Humble]

Before I start , PLEASE do not continue if you are open with your dressing and think it's the next best thing compared to sliced bread

I had not been going to post here because I respect Lucy's wish that this not turn into some kind of fight, however I have her permission to make the following contribution based on my own experience.


It has taken me best part of 45 years to get to the stage where I have at last learnt to accept myself and can be open about who I am, so I can understand where you are at the moment.

We have a need to express ourselves through clothing - and whilst we are dressed it is wonderful. Yet for most of those 45 years, I would spend days afterwards loathing myself for doing something "sinful" or "unnatural".

I finally got to the stage where I gave in and reluctantly accepted who I am. This gave me a new lease of life.

So IMNSHO, no we are not that bad.

You are lucky in that you have someone who accepts you. Please try to take your lead from her, it will be much easier once you learn that she is right to accept you.

I don't have any magic wand to offer to enable you to accept yourself, I came to that out of desperation not through some kind of epiphany, but I can tell you it gets better when you do get there.

[Lucy_Bella]

I would like to say these are some encouraging replies , thanks they all make sense.

[jenifer m.]

i would say you described the first thirty years of my life.i was constantly fighting it,i felt embarressed,and ashamedand i just wanted to fit the mold that society says i should be in.boys do boy things and girls do girl things no in between.so like forever i thought something was wrong with me.its only been recently that i came to terms with who i am.i suppose your time will come to either accept or reject it,i hope you accept yourself.you are problably an awsome person,and just because you favor your male side doesnt mean you should be ashamed of dressing.you know how you said that when dressing you wish it wouldent end?well i gaurentee when the time comes for you,and you accept who you are it will feel like it does when your dressed up only it just keeps getting better.its just real hard to come to terms with being a crossdresser,but once you do you will have no regrets. lots of love,and good luck. jenifer m.

[Danielle76]

As a christian, I have most definitely experienced what you are describing, and still do to some extent. I used to experience the guilt and self hate to such an extent that I purged once a month or so. At this point, seeing how costly it has been for me over the years, I've kept a stash on hand to avoid spending several hundred more dollars in fits of the "pink fog".

However, I share your feelings. Especially the looking forward to it, never wanting it to end while I'm dressed up, and most importantly, the feeling that it has to end at some point. I also feel that. When that is, I'm not sure, but I know that I'm not meant to do this for my whole life, if at all. It's a huge distraction for me, and something that I'm always half paranoid about my wife discovering, so overall my life would improve greatly if I just got over it and quit. I've quit many times, only to have the urges come back, but sometime soon, I'm going to have to quit permanently. Until then though....

[Imogen_Mann]

Fully understand how you feel. Not so much now... But up to just a few years ago... Guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy as a man all piled upon me the moment the make-up came off.

[Jenniferpl]

It is a curse and a blessing combined together. Oh I wish it would go away. I fight the urge to put something on but Jennifer always wins. She is more in control of my life than anything else. It complicates my life to no end. Than comes the moment to unhook the bra and I resist as long as I can, because it is so enjoyable.

The best thing I did was come to terms with who I am. One I did that a lot of guilt went away. Self acceptance is a big part of releasing the guilt and shame that seem to come being a crossdresser.

[minalost]

I used to fight the same battle almost daily. The urge to dress. Giving in to the "Pink Fog" and buying something girly to wear. The fun, comfort, and relaxation of being dressed enfemme. Then the let down. The feelings of shame and guilt that our early socialization forces us to feel. The down right silliness of it all: how rediculious I must look dressed up like a girl! A few days of not thinking about it and then the ugre starts and we do it all again!

I have found that, over the years, my acceptance of my crossdressing has grown, and the guilt has become less. I've reached the point in my life were my own sanity and self respect has trumped the fear and guilt of not being "normal (what ever that is... :tongueout)." I'm dressing more, and underdressing a lot more and just enjoying it.

Are there bad days? Sure, but they are few and far between. We all need to be able to live our life the way we want, without fear or guilt. So put on some panties and smile :)! Life is good, even for a crossdresser :hugs:!

[DonnaT]

I have the same problem I can not accept myself!
. . .

I feel I rob my true nature ( or what I was taught to be ) and maybe thats why.. I feel quilt , and that I have not only let myself down but others who depend on me.
There's the rub.

You are robbing your true nature when you fight this part of who you are. Not when you give in to it.

What you were taught isn't "natural", it's something learned. Doing something instinctive is what's natural. Like being right (or left) handed.

Many years ago lefties were forced to use their right hand. Going against nature. Causing many to have mental problems and even causing some to stutter.

It's not nice to fool with mother nature ;)

[Terrigirl]

For me acceptance has been very difficult throughout my life. I am at the point now that I look at myself and who I am and know logically that the femme part of me is not going away. It has been engrained in me my entire life and it is a big part of who I am. I too have an accepting SO and she has helped me tremendously. So as far as accepting that this is who I am and always will be, I am on board. But that is not to say that I embrace the femme side of me. This is where my difficulties begin. I get annoyed with my femme side and the complications it adds to my life. I know she is there and she needs attention so I will endulge her, but I always feel better when I am back in man mode. So for me, acceptance has not been the magic pill of happiness. It has helped me with the guilt and shame for which I am thankful, however being able to embrace my femme side is where I believe I will find true peace.

[Lucy_Bella]

It has helped me with the guilt and shame for which I am thankful, however being able to embrace my femme side is where I believe I will find true peace.

To read this , I look for hope that this is the answer to many questions ..

But as I have done ...That is look ahead further down the road and how doing something like this will make my life easier.
But I do not see that, sure it may work for some but for me......I see new issues.

I see issues that will continue to feed the urges of taking these desires just one step further, a never satisfying desire after every step I take that will continue to erode me..

Where does it end? After every step of embracing and self acceptance do we still continue to pushfor new boundries until you finally reach the goal of living Femme full time? I don't belive it ends there I feel that opens new doors with only new issues behind them..

I do not fight with these desires to accept my favored male side I only fight the the growing urge of the femme desire because I know thats not what I want. We are all different as to where we fit in the spectrume some accept and move on to become femme while others like me enjoy being a man.

It would be ok to accept this part of me if it didn't try to consume me and I will not allow that.

[Rianna Humble]

To read this , I look for hope that this is the answer to many questions ..

But as I have done ...That is look ahead further down the road and how doing something like this will make my life easier.
But I do not see that, sure it may work for some but for me......I see new issues.

I do not have all the answers, but I do know that the first step is to accept yourself. IMHO, this should allow you to overcome the guilt and self-loathing.



I see issues that will continue to feed the urges of taking these desires just one step further, a never satisfying desire after every step I take that will continue to erode me..

We are all different, and whilst - for me - the acceptance has led to a burgeoning understanding that I was born in the wrong body, this is not the case for everyone.

There was a very good thread recently from a GG where she described her CD husband as a "man plus". She did not see his cross dressing as eroding him, rather as giving him an extra dimension that not all men have.

I truly believe that self-acceptance will give you freedom to explore the feminine side of yourself, but I know that there are numerous members of this community who are not heading inexorably towards living full time as a woman (or as a man for the FtM cross-dressers).

Several of my friends from this community have talked of finding balance where they are free to express their feminine nature whilst remaining "the man about the house".


Where does it end? After every step of embracing and self acceptance do we still continue to pushfor new boundries until you finally reach the goal of living Femme full time? I don't belive it ends there I feel that opens new doors with only new issues behind them..

I do not fight with these desires to accept my favored male side I only fight the the growing urge of the femme desire because I know thats not what I want. We are all different as to where we fit in the spectrume some accept and move on to become femme while others like me enjoy being a man.

In my experience, the urge grows stronger the more you deny it. Although it is true that since I have accepted myself, I have realised that this is who I should have been all along, I no longer feel consumed by my desires in the way that I did whilst I was in denial.

For me, it is a question of finding where the balance lies for each individual. In your case, it would seem to be in freeing yourself up to enjoy all aspects of your gender whilst remaining predominantly male.


It would be ok to accept this part of me if it didn't try to consume me and I will not allow that.

I don't believe that your gender will try to consume you, but it could enrich you.

If you haven't yet had the chance, I would encourage you to read http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=124994 that describes a wife coming to understand that she is not losing her CD husband, but gaining what gives him a "plus" side.

[Loni]

I am male, that likes to look like a woman, love to dress up, spend as much time as i can in a dress.
not "out", but want to be...maybe.:daydreaming:

i love the way my skirts swish when i walk. i like the way i can just jump under a car to work on it. (when male):doh:

what am I???......................I am ....Me.:eek:

hate my self NO, i am who i am, and nothing is going to change that..:hugs: to both of my selves.

i just get out and try to be the best i can, no matter what i have on.

:2c:

.

[docrobbysherry]

My father used to say that to me a lot when I was young. For years, I tried to figure out what that meant, and how to make him proud of me.
I'm PRETTY CERTAIN he didn't mean, "Dress up like Marilyn to get turned on!":eek:

Fortunately, I had no interest in CDing until after I was 50. That would have REALLY COMPLICATED my teen and 20's years.:doh:

After 13 years of closet dressing, and falling deeper and deeper into the CD rabbit hole, I STILL feel shame and guilt! The idea that there's SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME won't go away!:sad:

[AKAMichelle]

I think it takes a long time to finally accept yourself. In my case, I found that no one was capable of accepting when I couldn't accept myself. It took a long time for me to finally accept myself.

I found out in my journey that this is me. You can hide it or deal with it. I also found out a lot of other things about myself. Once I finally began to accept myself, I became a much happier person.

[suchacutie]

The voice.

I still cannot understand the emotions. Tina is completely well-adjusted...or so we thought, and then she found her voice. By herself she is able to use it, practice the nuances of speaking without the bass side of the voice, etc. As soon as anyone is within earshot she becomes self-conscious, shy, and not sure of herself! What is all that about?

Somehow the voice was the last link. Even as her voice was softer and quieter than his, it was not a new voice. Suddenly she felt almost, well, silly...the guy in the dress. It is bizarre and we're still not over it. It's all internal. No one is laughing at her or taking it as anything but serious, and yet she can't get by it completely.

just never saw it coming :(

tina

[Joanne f]

Are you judging this on how you personally feel about you dressing or on how you feel society would judge you on your dressing if they knew you dressed this way as i think that there is a difference when it come to acceptance .

[lavistaa62]

Rianna Humble nailed it for me- it's acceptance of this within myself which is as difficult than what others will think. It was easier when I was younger- the urge was so strong then that if a forum such as this had shown me there were "others" I'd say my life would be dramatically different than it is now.

With the years has come greater caution and self awareness. I feel embarassed around my SO- not that she makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm uncomfortable with the persona I'm just barely able to create. The self awareness in particular causes me to question my appearance as a female and not want to create something not attractive to others or to myself. It is not the dressing perse that is difficult- it's the cracks in the patina I'm trying to create.

This is something which GG may have experienced all their lives and at my age have given up on or at least moved on from. For myself however, the poor appearance I'm able to create puts a damper on my dressing experience. Being able to apply false eyelashes and makeup is new experience for me and has improved my confidence tremendously but I'd probably as happy or happier if the urge to dress weren't such an integral part of my personality.

[Lucy_Bella]

Are you judging this on how you personally feel about you dressing or on how you feel society would judge you on your dressing if they knew you dressed this way as i think that there is a difference when it come to acceptance .

Im so sorry, I must have came accross wrong.. I am not judging at all ,who am I to judge?

No Im just thinking outloud , about my past and what my future may bring. I am trying to understand how although consider akin we all express different levels as we progress, why does it have to be a journey why can't it peak?

Why is it every step we take toward accepting the FEMME side of ourselfs considered an advancement? Has our alter ego become a child we nurture as we watch it grow? Is it really such an adchievment to break past societys boundries to become what we consider ourselfs?

Have you ever noticed that some of our actions we take into becoming a self proclaimed woman may have some GG's baffeled? Have you ever noticed that there is no need for a GG to feel FEMME by fashion alone.

Just thinking out loud thats all, just thinking what happens when I age will I still like the style of clothing I perfer or will I become tired of it and the make-up to satisfy these urges resorting to dressing down?

I am here to learn thats all and recieve or provide support ..and by doing so I will ask questions ..Never will I judge ..

[VikkiVixen7188]

To OP:

I think I know what your talking about, and might be able to offer some insight (help-ish insight).

I am like you except that I favor my femme side slightly more whereas you favor your masculine side. You may actually be dual-gendered psychologically. Thats what I am.

Now what your describing still happens to me, my femme side is very very girly. By that I mean Im not a tom or a tough girl, Im very much soft and frilly and so forth, even intentionally dingy and overly sweet and submissive.
In Contrast my Masculine side is the polar opposite. The man side of me is loud, somewhat obscene and very testosterone driven. When Im in Masculine I feel very primal and viking like. Like I want to hunt or fight or do other really manly things.
So Naturally I experience weirdness coming out of femininity. I have just learned that that's how I am, and its not wrong.

A trick I can give you, and its a bit adult in nature but it may really help so lets be mature about it people:
For most of us our dressing is linked to our sex drive, my advice to you (OP not all) is not to masturbate in femme. The reason is that when you do that orgasm changes our hormones very extremely for a few minutes, and as men we experience that "let down" and simultaneously the need for sex leaves. What happens is that you are left no longer needing the fantasy but also down hormonally so youll be more prone to feeling of depression and feeling silly. I think that might be whats happening to you.

[Carly D.]

Before I start , PLEASE do not continue if you are open with your dressing and think it's the next best thing compared to sliced bread

Thanks

Are we that bad? I read some post here like everyone ( even lurkers ) I also answer in some.The biggest concern I have noticed is acceptance!

Not only from our loved ones but ourselves, we seem to not accept ourselves? Did you just read that? Now I am also speaking for myself as having a accepting S.O. I have the same problem I can not accept myself!

No this is not all the time but it seems to go in cycles, I am thinking out loud right now but it seems that a rash of THREADS have been posted about self acceptance here latley , or is it just me?


I will admit I favore my male side more , I have feelings after I dress that are over whelmingly ashamed of doing the girl gig.. I feel I rob my true nature ( or what I was taught to be ) and maybe thats why.. I feel quilt , and that I have not only let myself down but others who depend on me.

I enjoy and look forward to dressing and during I wish it would never end , but deep down inside I know it has to. But shortly after I hate myself, but soon that feeling also goes away.

Is this something you find yourself doing?

Thanks :eek:




You nailed it on the nut.. In the beginning I was this way to a "T".. I would change from the girly clothes to my male clothes and toss the stuff into the trashcan almost every other time I dressed... Feeling ashamed and ... well ashamed.. And I still do feel the same way.. Dressing up right now has stopped, except for shoes every day which counts I guess.. Self acceptance, I thought about telling my parents and everyone else any number of times, but couldn't.. Thinking back ten months ago when for a month I dressed and actually went out dressed up, and now I don't and can't see how I ever got the nerve to do it like I did.. But I like it, still... But accepting myself as Carly may never happen..

[sometimes_miss]

I accept myself, but I have no illusions that I will be able to change what other people will be attracted to; I don't think that's something we can do. So as much as I am comfortable with my crossdressing, I will probably be forever uncomfortable with the fact that >99% of women will never find us sexually desirable (many more find our crossdressing 'acceptable', but it's a NIMBY thing, they just don't want THEIR boyfriend/husband doing it), and regret the fact that my being a crossdresser is the major stumbling block in the way of meeting someone and having a loving relationship.

[Lucy_Bella]

I accept myself, but I have no illusions that I will be able to change what other people will be attracted to; I don't think that's something we can do. So as much as I am comfortable with my crossdressing, I will probably be forever uncomfortable with the fact that >99% of women will never find us sexually desirable (many more find our crossdressing 'acceptable', but it's a NIMBY thing, they just don't want THEIR boyfriend/husband doing it), and regret the fact that my being a crossdresser is the major stumbling block in the way of meeting someone and having a loving relationship.

I agree , now how can I explain this WITHOUT pissing anyone here off?

I will give it a try , I met my GF about 8 months ago. We hit it off the first time we met only after then I was told that she just got out of a serious two year relationship with another woman in Vegas.

She came out to me and asked if I had any issues with that, my answer was no. I never told her about me at that time we wasn't serious enough and I felt the timeing wasn't right.

My preferance or taste in women are GIRLY GIRLS and to be honest I would much rather the clothing I perfer be on them. I have always been a sucker for the afraid she is gonna break a nail type of a girl than the dive into a break job.

Well what I got is the dive into the break job type and I am fine with that and never showed or told her any different it was a new learning experiance for me . She doesn't cook ,very little laundry and cleaning you get the picture.

I came out to her 3 weeks into our relationship and another month down the road she moved in with me. Prior to her moving in I had the freedom to dress whenever the urge came to me. I explained my level of the spectrume to her even the type of clothing I desired ( she commented she would never wear those type).

I know this is getting long so here is my point! Even tho I have found someone who has accepted my desires and I'll be honest she is confussed by them . She doesn't fill them. I sense her uncomfort sometimes even tho she says it fine and last night I got a comformation that my feelings were correct, she is un easy about my dressing and its not often I dress.

My point is I respected and learned her gender scale even if she unknowingly knew she even had one ( we all do) , on the other hand she sees mine as a joke or fetish.:eek:

I could have gone through this whole senerio like I have before hiding the true me and falling into the expected gender scale most all women expect their guy to fall under while she still played hers the same.

Does any of this make sense?

[Rianna Humble]

Even tho' I have found someone who has accepted my desires and I'll be honest she is confused by them . She doesn't fill them. I sense her discomfort sometimes even tho' she says it's fine and last night I got a confirmation that my feelings were correct, she is uneasy about my dressing and its not often I dress.

My point is I respected and learned her gender scale even if she unknowingly knew she even had one (we all do) , on the other hand she sees mine as a joke or fetish.:eek:

I'm no expert when it comes to relationships - I've never had a serious one that went anywhere - but I think this is one case where the advice to discuss things frankly with your SO would apply. That will involve both of you actively listening to what the other is saying and then seeking a common way forward. You need to ask her what makes her uneasy and also express your needs to her.


I could have gone through this whole scenario like I have before hiding the true me and falling into the expected gender scale most all women expect their guy to fall under while she still played hers the same.

I think we see enough examples on these forums to tell us that this is not a good way to go. If you had chosen that and then she had discovered you cross-dress, she would have felt betrayed and lied to and would have had much more difficulty accepting you afterwards. You would still have been left with the guilt & self-loathing that often goes with CDing in secret.

At least this way, you have been honest with her, even if she doesn't understand very well. Perhaps you could point her to the article I referenced in my last post to help her understand more.


Does any of this make sense?

It makes a great deal of sense as an explanation of what you are going through.

[JessicaMiller]

This is a very interesting topic. I have found myself feeling guilty after dressing too. But like the OP mentioned, that feeling quickly goes away. I guess for me, it depends on how much i'm sacrificing or who i'm affecting when i'm dressed to determine how i feel about it.

[Lucy_Bella]

Rianna,

Very good insight , you are correct communacations are very important in any relationship. Unfortunatly she has been leaving herself out of pocket with no warning, she is not making anytime for communacateing..

As I answered the above post prior to the one you answered she came accross as this being fine with it and to a certain extent still does but she chooses to leave the blanks un answered. I have shown post and links to her about my nature and her answer is . " Yeah I am tired we'll talk about that later".. By blanks I mean senceing the uneasy feeling from her about what I do, I feel she doesn't get the just of it and I have been here willing and wanting to help try and give her an understanding.

Now that alone is almost impossiable ,due to breaking any former beliefs on how all most all children are groomed in society and that being boy's are boy's and well girls are where they want to fit . Now that last statement wasn't meant to upset anyone or pointed at anyone.

The key here is I have met someone who is the opposite sex at ( in her case above) my level of the spectrume in the gender scale. That is showing some sence of negetivity towards me when in reality my level falls well below how she lives her life. So are we that bad?

There has been many THREADS here asking if you could ,would be a woman?
My answer to any type of thread like that would be . NO.. I wish I was born the sex that I was assigned to at birth rather that be male or female but just only ONE!

Thank you for that great reply Rianna:)