Ahoy Captain We Made It Through That Round Of Rough Seas. Whats next?

[SuzanneBender]

Many of you saw my last post. After my appointment with my great new therapist I was feeling very emotional and tired of living a lie. I finally told my wife that knew I crossdressed but saw it as some escapist type of hobby about who I really am. We have had conversations like this before, but never in this context and for some reason she realized it was real. Needless to say she had a difficult time with the fact that her husband is really a woman eventthough he looks darn good in a dress.

Last week was bad! For the first time in our marriage I was asked to sleep in another room and she wouldn't return my I love you's. It was the hardest few days of my life. I have always dealt ok with others rejection, but when the love of your life rejects you somehow you can not help but feel like some sort of abomination.

Sunday night it all came to a head. She cried. I cried. I told her how she felt and she told me how mad and betrayed she felt. She wanted to know right now where all of this will end up and I told her I have no idea. If I had faced up to all of this 20 years ago I would probably physically be a woman today, but I am not at the same spot I was in my life 20 years ago which significantly impacts that decission process. All of a sudden her demenor changed. She realized that the grumpiness, lack of patience and distance that had come to define her husband over the past few years of our marriage was driven by that fact and the fact that I had been keeping my true self a secret from those that I love the most.

Since I truly came out to her I have felt like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. Family, friends and co-workers have all commented on how happy I seem lately. They notice it even when it was looking like my marriage and life as I know it was over.

It seems that we are closer than ever now. She is appreciative to see the kind and loving person that she married again and seems to accept the fact that at the core of that person is a woman. Last night we were having the average before bedtime meltdown from our youngest son. Two weeks ago I would have been so tense I would have just yelled at him and sent him to his room in tears to cry it out for a couple of hours. However, last night I knelt down to his level. We talked through the issue and I corrected the fact that somehow his pillow had ended up in his big brother's room. A hug that lasted at least 10 seconds later and I was tucking him in bed and kissing him goodnight. When I came out of his room my wife was leaning against the hallway wall grinning like the Cheshire Cat, "where was this maternal instinct all this time?" I told her, "It was always there. It was just buried under a ton of BS and bravado." We hugged and kissed as my youngest daughter walked by and told us to stop it was creeping her out.

I don't know where or how this is all going to end up. I am sure that my wife and our marriage could not hold up to the stormy sea of transistion right now. Who knows with some more practice at crewing the SS. Suzanne my family may be willing to navigate those waters one day.

I am also questioning the need to even leave the bay at this point. I need to express the woman I really am, but are women's clothes and physical appreance required (at least all the time) to be whole as a person.

Whew, I am glad I have you gals, a good therapist, and a saint for a wife as I work through what course I am going to plot. :hugs:

[Kathi Lake]

Sorry the last few days were a bear or you, Suzanne. We are indeed pulling for you.

Kudos to your wonderful wife! She will no doubt be going through the same emotional roller coaster along with you - but with the added loops of being a woman, and therefore thinking everything is her fault - the way you feel, the way she feels - everything. Lots of hugs and reassurance is your main task for now.

I am in total agreement with you on whether or not to "ship out" as it were. For me, since I am so simpleminded, I can appease my inner woman by being an outer woman once in awhile. Do I desire more sometimes? Sure! However, I have an incredible family and life. That is a big part of my happiness equation.

Again, Suze, we all love you here. Please let us know how we can help!

Kathi

[Hope]

You don't have to transition to be a woman. You don't have to transition to be transexual. Maybe even the entire idea of transition should get tossed out the window. Instead of this big scary thing that is looming over the horizon, think instead of a small set of experiments. Dressing is an experiment - if it works for you, you can do more of it - if not, you don't have to. Make-up is an experiment - do it if it works for you. For the most part - most of transition is reversible until you start talking about surgery - and the surgical stuff is not at all important for many girls. All of this stuff is optional, and you only have to do the parts that you want.

Don't feel like you have to commit to some program today, and see it through no matter how you feel about it, or no matter how it effects the rest of your life.

About the relationship with the wife; it sounds like there has been a breakthrough - and that is great, but you know you are not out of the woods yet. When people come to me for marriage counseling, I ALWAYS recommend the books by Dr. John Gottmann, particularly his "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" though it is getting a little dated now. Dr. Gottmann has a new (2007) book out that I think is supposed to expand on the earlier book - though I haven't read it yet. I expect that either would do the two of you well. There are DVD versions available if you are not the book type.

http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Transform-Your-Marriage-Strengthening/dp/1400050197/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1267219217&sr=8-2-fkmr2

This is paradigm shifting stuff, and it is honestly the only stuff worth reading.

[dilane]

Beware the Transsexual Industrial Complex.

There's no music to our ears sweeter than a Therapist saying to us that we are really women inside, and it's our destiny to be female, that we're naturals.

Everyone makes money (therapists, endocrinologists, drug companies, surgeons, divorce lawyers); families (often with young kids) get destroyed, wives dumped, and the net result is not as rosy as people think.

Rationalizations abound.

Just my observations, having had four friends (mostly quite successful, middle aged and with younger children) follow the path you may be heading down.

-- Diane

[VeronicaMoonlit]

As much as I want to cheerlead certain people who Defying Gravity, have the best of both worlds, are Fashionistas, and who might perhaps tease Australians while flying pretty, into transitioning.....Hope is right.

That's probably all I should say in this thread, other than I always wish the best for you, Suzanne (and that goes for the other three of you too!) Just remember that I'm a singleton with no kids.

Veronica Rogers

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm glad you are both doing better..I hope your lines of communications stay open and constructive for both of you!

If you are ready for anything and let your own feelings guide you...you have the best chance to figure things out for yourself and your family...if your feelings are telling you to stay right where you are...then that's your answer....even if its just for now..

I am sure you want the best quality of life that you can have...inclusive of everything in your life...

For people that have entrenched themselves in a male life, I feel transition is a last resort to improve your quality of life when nothing else seems to work for you...but when folks transition they are almost always very fulfilled by it, and success depends on other factors, especially money and relationships..

:hugs::hugs:
one for you , one for your wife

Kate

[GypsyKaren]

Life is all about priorities and the order that they may fall, and it sounds like your top priority right now is your family, which is how it should be because life is also about sacrifice. Hope is right, you don't have to do anything, except what's right for you. There is no rule book to being TS, there is no timeline or schedule to keep, there is no scoreboard for how far you go, and there is no judgement for whichever decisions you make.


Karen :g1:

[Fran Moore]

I'm really happy for you gal, and hope that your "ship" continues to rock gently at anchor, and your life is filled with honesty, love and happiness.:)

Suzanne Taylor

[kellycan27]

To be perfectly honest, after reading a lot of your posts, it seems to me that you are definitely heading in the direction of transitioning, maybe not SRS, but definitely towards transition from male to female. You seem to have come out to the wife to a certain extent, and I am wondering if you are actually truly not sure, or if you just can't bring yourself to tell her yes... I want to be a woman. Sounds to me like your wife has already figured it out.
It always strikes me as sad when this group encourages someone to do something that could mean the end of a marriage and cause a child or children to be without the benefit of a full time mom and dad, and they seem to be able to justify it with a simple oh well, it's not your fault. Maybe it is ,or maybe it's not.. but it still sucks and leaves a family devastated.
hy not just come clean with your wife so she can heal and move forward? What are you waiting for?

[AKAMichelle]

Since I truly came out to her I have felt like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. Family, friends and co-workers have all commented on how happy I seem lately. They notice it even when it was looking like my marriage and life as I know it was over.


I can really relate to this comment. I know how good it feels to know that you are facing your fears and going through that door to find out what is on the other side. I also know that pain that you feel when you realize that decision may hurt some of those you love the most. But you can't stop it from happening. Once you go through that door, you have changed your life forever.

I only hope that you have the strength to persevere, the patience to take it slow, and the wisdom to make the right choices.

[Tina P Hose]

I wear dresses because they make me feel good. I am head of household but live alone, like just me and the pets.

I wish you the best in your situation, but as you know, all your choices are not all about you. Good Luck friend and GO CHIEFS !!

[Claire Cook]

I don't know where or how this is all going to end up. I am sure that my wife and our marriage could not hold up to the stormy sea of transistion right now. Who knows with some more practice at crewing the SS. Suzanne my family may be willing to navigate those waters one day.

I am also questioning the need to even leave the bay at this point. I need to express the woman I really am, but are women's clothes and physical appreance required (at least all the time) to be whole as a person.
:hugs:

Hi Suzanne,

It sounds like from this and your previous posts you are both on a voyage of discovery ... and the captain and first mate are needed. Your wife probably realizes that you were discovering things about yourself -- it's hard to hide things when you aren't sure about what you are hiding! I'm not much good at giving advice, but being open and honest has been a big plus in our 40+ years, and my wife now embraces that softer, sensitive me that is inside. For my part, I'm dressing more and more (it just fits my personality) -- but I have no intention of transitioning; the first mate needs that male captain...

We're all here for you ... wherever the winds blow .... :hugs:

[Miranda09]

I applaud your courage Suzanne to come out to your wife the way you did, and I have the greatest admiration for your wife who, after struggling thru all of what you told her, realized the man she married is still there, but now with a softer side expressing the real you. Whatever you decide about transitioning or not, I think you'll do just fine. :hugs:

[Maryanne_sa]

I think that the most important thing is now your wife knows what the true situation is, and she has seen the women in you in action with your son.

Who knows where this will go. We are all different, and our spouses are different, so one cannot say what will happen. My wife could never come to terms with it and left me in November of last year, after a long marraige, three children and a granchild. Whilst, I was very upset at the time, guess what, I am very happy now. I am living my life and taking steps to transition. My wife and I are the best of friends and talk and see each other often.

I guess that between the two of you, what is acceptable will be worked out, and you take it from there.

Take care,

Maryann

[lizlizzie]

Suzanne; your story sounds a lot like my spouse and me. Because of that I offer two thoughts.

The first is that I knew my spouse would want to transition before she did (MTF). A year and half later, she has been living as a woman except for at work, and is now taking hormones. She still can't tell me if her end goal is SRS. Despite her having kept this all from me for 9 years of marriage, I knew there was something, and I knew my spouse. Your wife probably is picking up on things that you are not aware of. It was very difficult for me to accept that she really doesn't know for herself.

The second is that while at first I was accepting of the situation, too much happened too fast and I was hit with whiplash.She was so relieved for it to be in the open that she started changing so many things about herself physically so quickly I lost it. I couldn't adjust that quickly and as a result she moved out. We still love each other, we are still working on finding a way that our marriage will survive. We have hope, but it is has been an up and down year with many misunderstandings. A lot of those misunderstandings were the result of her not being able to trust that I wouldn't change my mind again. From my perspective, she wasn't sharing with me enough about her thoughts, feelings, what she was experiencing, her counseling sessions.

So just a few thoughts to consider in hopes that you can avoid the the potholes that we didnt.

[msniki48]

If you are ready for anything and let your own feelings guide you...you have the best chance to figure things out for yourself and your family...if your feelings are telling you to stay right where you are...then that's your answer....even if its just for now..

I am sure you want the best quality of life that you can have...inclusive of everything in your life...




Suzanne, i echo the happiness for you, that you are in a new place with your wife...this can be so confusing. i also feel as kaitlyn said, its ok to say...not for now...this is where you need to be for now..it's ok.

i noticed that when your wife commented on your nurturing ways, you mentioned it was bottled up in a whole mess of false bravado etc.
[paraphrasing] One of the things my therapist mentioned is that when i stop compartmentalizing my niki side and my vince side into one fluid person i would be on a forward moving track toward contentment. Maybe you need to be able to express suzzanne without the makeup and clothes. Be the girl you are without reservation...[like people will see] i still struggle with this, especially at work or around guys...but i am getting closer as time goes by. by the way, I feel as you do, and this is where i am for now.

i wish you well on your journey:hugs::love:

[kimdl93]

Suzanne, I can relate to the change in demeanor that comes not hiding or repressing anymore. At one time in my life I was just often easily angered by irrelevant things. One benefit of being able to live more openly - at least with my wife - has been a marked change in my temperment. I just don't rile up over silly things any more. I suppose that anger was at least in part based in having to deny or hide my desire to dress and live as a woman.

I don't think it matters how you dress, or whether you explore HRT or eventual SRS... What matters is to have the freedom to feel and be the person you are. It seems that your wife has now seen that person and recognizes her as the person she loves. that's a great step in the right direction!

[Traci Elizabeth]

For us married gals, I think the most difficult decision is "coming out" to our wives. The one person who knows us better than anyone else on this earth and who typically loves us unconditionally.

That's what makes it even harder as we have kept a side of us hidden from the very person who loves us the most.

Making that decision then verbalizing your true inner self to your mate is a true test to the strength and depth of one's relationship.

For me, it was the best decision I ever made and although I can "wish" I had made it many many years earlier, I remain thankful and grateful to have found my true soul mate.

My wife is so supportive, she buys me clothes, shoes, jewelry, make-up and lingerie, as well as is teaching me the finer points of being a woman.

We have fun with my transition and are even closer than before I "came out."

I sincerely hope that your wife continues to accept, grow, and nurture your transition. Lord knows we face so many other issues that having your best friend, your soul mate, your wife by your side makes all the difference in the world.

I wish you heart felt happiness in your transition.

[Byanca]

That's what makes it even harder as we have kept a side of us hidden from the very person who loves us the most.

Those of you who made children and have a wife. Would those children be alive if you didn't do exactly this? Would they have stayed with you if you where open from the beginning. These things seems to be predestined, and dont think it's anyones fault. These things are as they are.

For myself I just like to be burred as a real woman, don't really care much about anything else.