Myojine
02-27-2010, 08:54 PM
So i had desided a while ago, that what ever it is in life, you must be happy so i took months and months and went threw my experieances and stuff i have writen, Anything i could find, from little sketches for story books, to suicide notes of which i couldnt ever commit, to poems i wrote, old forum posts online, anything i could find that i wrote that i still had left.
And at every point ever turn everything almost everything, pointed to a few details that when ever i had writen them it was in times of joy and dispare and what it all showed me, was...
What made me happy and what i wanted so bad so i could be happy.
All i ever wanted was to be happy. at this point inlife i dont know if i ever knew what happy was.
My Life has been one hellish nightmare. Gone are years and years of memories of things that anyone could remember, gone were the faces of people who might have cared all i had left the memories i could see...
Were fleeting quiet, dark glimpses of people i dont know, dark cold motionless stillframes, and video so tatered and ruined its unwatchable...
But the things that rang true, that i could see clearly. i couldnt help but smile.
i looke back on these things and broke down, i cried uncontrolably, realizing my happyness was only short and in fantasy. and at that point the tears wouldnt stop, and i for what i thought was the last time...i stared Death in the face. i wrote what i though was the last thing i would ever write. i apologized dearly to what i loved so much...but in the end, the tears stopped and i couldnt do it.
i looked at the picture on my computer screen and the girls that stood there were happy looking, and no matter waht i wanted to be happy, at that moment the feeling was so overwelming, and i couldnt help but cry again.
All i ever wanted was to be happy.
And happy to me...
i think, i wont know for sure but my dreams, speak to me, and i dream of what made me happy in the past, what ive dreamed for the future.
in all my dreams...
I was a girl, nothing different, i cant even picture my self as a guy, even if i try, it just doesnt happen. Its not just i wanna be a girl, its I was Supose to be one.
all of my dreams, the happy ones, they all were so beautiful...because i was beautiful....
My dreams showed, what happyness could look like so, with no doubt no hinderance i now know what must be done.
I Must be a Female, a girl, a mother, a Woman. My drivers licence needs to say F on it. When i register for something, or fill out a job application i needs to say Female. When that question is asked by an instructor when hes reading that official Document, it asks are you pregenant, or think you are pregnant, he better look right at me so i can blush... and meekly sign. "NO"
i smile from ear to ear when i fantasize about being a mom and hear my child say Mom or mommy to me...i SO BAD wanna be mom, ever since i was 17 i wanted to bear children so bad...but even so i cant, i wanna adopt, i even have names for my two future daughters. I play video games, ALOT and i dream of the day where i can go onto the forums and post cute, and sexy pics of me doing Videogame related stuff, Be it dressing up in those sexy outfits i made in Real life, that are identical ingame. Or taking my computer to video game tournaments and pwning the boys, and laugh at them, sqealing
HA NOOB PWned by a GIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLLL :tongueout
My naughty dreams are no different, i was a girl in everyone of them infact i cant...erm...nvm...:o...unless i feel like a girl.
Acutally ill be honest, i had a diffucult time beleiving that sex was a part of love, I didnt beleieve it for the longest time. i could not believe sex was a part of love,probably because im a victem of such abuse...
but one of my fantasies ended up reconnecting that for me...omg my boobs...
:heehee::daydreaming:
Sorry for the novel XD but here are my Situations and questions...
i know sorta the path i need to take to transisition, but heres my idea.
Right now, im in a bad place. Im at a fellow soldiers house because the abuse of my family went over board. i no longer have a family or such people to fall back on for support now. But i think its good now because i no longer need their abuse. Im in the national Guard, and i have alittle more then 5 years left, Were pending deployment and im hoping i can go because thats ALOT of tax free money i wont touch that i can put right in my account for all the transisitioning i need to do. i need a job so bad and right now im willing to go do just about anything to get one that i can work my ass off for as much money as i can get.
Anyways my Goals and questions are these.
1. I want hormone blockers, the male hormone blocker so i can stop anymore male physical development. how much should i plan for monthly whatever it is to start these? can i start them now even though im in the army? they arent considered suspicious if they show up on a drugtest? i mean do they show up on a drugtest?
2. Hair removal, i know i can do this while in the military because they require us to shave everymorning anyways, i desided i wanna get this done ASAP, how much for the face& neck and chest? ive read it works much better on Dark hair because of light absorbancy, which YA for me blackish brown hair.
Anyways Lazer works best? PewPew! no maor hair omg! alittle info on the perfered methods and how much it can cost.
3. After my last drill, Sorry army i cant stay!!!! i love it but i have to go and fix whats wrong as soon as im out, or even BEFORE my last drills i wanna start the female hormones, how long does it take for the hormones to start effecting the body? when do breast start to develope? could i potentialy start a while before i exit service?
4. HRT, when to begin? What to do? im going to be doing this because it works, right? i mean what am i going to experiance, how long can it take?
Sideeffects, ect. i need it i want it i dont care how painful, i have to get to my goal, how much can this cost? when will i start to notice my butt and legs start to fill out? What other hormone therapies do i need?
ive some about HRT and other hormone therapies, im alittle list
5. Breast Augmentation, i know im gonna need it, every female in my family has had small boobs, not that thats bad , but realy i view breast as huge part of a female figure, not saying that they have to be but id like them to be fairly noticeable. so im judging? B~C cup? How much can a "Boob Job" cost? what implants are more "Real" feeling(yeah i expect other guys and girls to hand my breasts....:o), and look the best?
6. SRS, Im dreaming of this day, i have dremt of it ever sence i saw it show up on TV. my dreams, my feelings, OMG i can not tell you how much of a turn on that it is imagining a guy... oh god, iwant so bad, and im not even attracted to men... im identifiing as a lesbien! but im sure you other girls understand what i mean, i mean i turned bright red writing this....
i hear its 6months before you can have sex with a guy after SRS, and i dunno if its a myth, but is it true that a post op is..."tighter" then a GG, i mean myth fact or...?another thing just how "big" is... well i mean idealy is there any real size matter in SRS when it comes to the SRS to depth and Dialation. i mean i REALY REALY worry about that, Depth and width...
my second biggest question about this is my biggest fear about this... is the look of the Labia. i know i know, no REAL girls gentials are "prefect" but im attracted to women... so ive seen plenty of pics and videos.../not to proud of that... but im REALY REALY REALY hoping the outer labia look "right" to me.
i want them to cover everything underneith...and...yeah...this is realy hard to me to come out and write this stuff, my head is screaming you sicko pervert freak ect ect at me :censor: but im very very very very concerned what its going to look like....
and ofc the biggest queastions of all.
Cost, how much can it cost, what all gets done, who or where should i go too...I watched on the discovery channel about two places that impressed me. On is in Canada(i fail to remember the name of the place), Dr. Macri Bowers in Trinidad Colorado... everyone knows what im talking about? Any personal Suggestions? Ideas? is going out of the country to tailand Safe? im realy hesitant to leave the country and go to tailand... What about Japan? i LOVE japan, i was thinking maybe when i go to my Japan trap maybe ill go over a 80%female and come back a 100% WOMAN :daydreaming:
Oh almost forgott but this is important to, but
A Thearpist! how would i got about getting approval for SRS, and transistioning ect ect... Anyone have Suggestions for someone in Suffolk Virginia? i need some good support and psychological direction.
Im sorry for the novel but im so new to this so many questions i hope my questions werent making you uncomfortable but i HAD to put aside my inhibitions so i could ask the questions I NEED TO KNOW
thank you girls so much
i want my dreams to come true so bad, i just need to know these things so i can plan, and estimate and believe that in 5 years i can start down the road to my beautiful dreams.
And at every point ever turn everything almost everything, pointed to a few details that when ever i had writen them it was in times of joy and dispare and what it all showed me, was...
What made me happy and what i wanted so bad so i could be happy.
All i ever wanted was to be happy. at this point inlife i dont know if i ever knew what happy was.
My Life has been one hellish nightmare. Gone are years and years of memories of things that anyone could remember, gone were the faces of people who might have cared all i had left the memories i could see...
Were fleeting quiet, dark glimpses of people i dont know, dark cold motionless stillframes, and video so tatered and ruined its unwatchable...
But the things that rang true, that i could see clearly. i couldnt help but smile.
i looke back on these things and broke down, i cried uncontrolably, realizing my happyness was only short and in fantasy. and at that point the tears wouldnt stop, and i for what i thought was the last time...i stared Death in the face. i wrote what i though was the last thing i would ever write. i apologized dearly to what i loved so much...but in the end, the tears stopped and i couldnt do it.
i looked at the picture on my computer screen and the girls that stood there were happy looking, and no matter waht i wanted to be happy, at that moment the feeling was so overwelming, and i couldnt help but cry again.
All i ever wanted was to be happy.
And happy to me...
i think, i wont know for sure but my dreams, speak to me, and i dream of what made me happy in the past, what ive dreamed for the future.
in all my dreams...
I was a girl, nothing different, i cant even picture my self as a guy, even if i try, it just doesnt happen. Its not just i wanna be a girl, its I was Supose to be one.
all of my dreams, the happy ones, they all were so beautiful...because i was beautiful....
My dreams showed, what happyness could look like so, with no doubt no hinderance i now know what must be done.
I Must be a Female, a girl, a mother, a Woman. My drivers licence needs to say F on it. When i register for something, or fill out a job application i needs to say Female. When that question is asked by an instructor when hes reading that official Document, it asks are you pregenant, or think you are pregnant, he better look right at me so i can blush... and meekly sign. "NO"
i smile from ear to ear when i fantasize about being a mom and hear my child say Mom or mommy to me...i SO BAD wanna be mom, ever since i was 17 i wanted to bear children so bad...but even so i cant, i wanna adopt, i even have names for my two future daughters. I play video games, ALOT and i dream of the day where i can go onto the forums and post cute, and sexy pics of me doing Videogame related stuff, Be it dressing up in those sexy outfits i made in Real life, that are identical ingame. Or taking my computer to video game tournaments and pwning the boys, and laugh at them, sqealing
HA NOOB PWned by a GIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLLL :tongueout
My naughty dreams are no different, i was a girl in everyone of them infact i cant...erm...nvm...:o...unless i feel like a girl.
Acutally ill be honest, i had a diffucult time beleiving that sex was a part of love, I didnt beleieve it for the longest time. i could not believe sex was a part of love,probably because im a victem of such abuse...
but one of my fantasies ended up reconnecting that for me...omg my boobs...
:heehee::daydreaming:
Sorry for the novel XD but here are my Situations and questions...
i know sorta the path i need to take to transisition, but heres my idea.
Right now, im in a bad place. Im at a fellow soldiers house because the abuse of my family went over board. i no longer have a family or such people to fall back on for support now. But i think its good now because i no longer need their abuse. Im in the national Guard, and i have alittle more then 5 years left, Were pending deployment and im hoping i can go because thats ALOT of tax free money i wont touch that i can put right in my account for all the transisitioning i need to do. i need a job so bad and right now im willing to go do just about anything to get one that i can work my ass off for as much money as i can get.
Anyways my Goals and questions are these.
1. I want hormone blockers, the male hormone blocker so i can stop anymore male physical development. how much should i plan for monthly whatever it is to start these? can i start them now even though im in the army? they arent considered suspicious if they show up on a drugtest? i mean do they show up on a drugtest?
2. Hair removal, i know i can do this while in the military because they require us to shave everymorning anyways, i desided i wanna get this done ASAP, how much for the face& neck and chest? ive read it works much better on Dark hair because of light absorbancy, which YA for me blackish brown hair.
Anyways Lazer works best? PewPew! no maor hair omg! alittle info on the perfered methods and how much it can cost.
3. After my last drill, Sorry army i cant stay!!!! i love it but i have to go and fix whats wrong as soon as im out, or even BEFORE my last drills i wanna start the female hormones, how long does it take for the hormones to start effecting the body? when do breast start to develope? could i potentialy start a while before i exit service?
4. HRT, when to begin? What to do? im going to be doing this because it works, right? i mean what am i going to experiance, how long can it take?
Sideeffects, ect. i need it i want it i dont care how painful, i have to get to my goal, how much can this cost? when will i start to notice my butt and legs start to fill out? What other hormone therapies do i need?
ive some about HRT and other hormone therapies, im alittle list
5. Breast Augmentation, i know im gonna need it, every female in my family has had small boobs, not that thats bad , but realy i view breast as huge part of a female figure, not saying that they have to be but id like them to be fairly noticeable. so im judging? B~C cup? How much can a "Boob Job" cost? what implants are more "Real" feeling(yeah i expect other guys and girls to hand my breasts....:o), and look the best?
6. SRS, Im dreaming of this day, i have dremt of it ever sence i saw it show up on TV. my dreams, my feelings, OMG i can not tell you how much of a turn on that it is imagining a guy... oh god, iwant so bad, and im not even attracted to men... im identifiing as a lesbien! but im sure you other girls understand what i mean, i mean i turned bright red writing this....
i hear its 6months before you can have sex with a guy after SRS, and i dunno if its a myth, but is it true that a post op is..."tighter" then a GG, i mean myth fact or...?another thing just how "big" is... well i mean idealy is there any real size matter in SRS when it comes to the SRS to depth and Dialation. i mean i REALY REALY worry about that, Depth and width...
my second biggest question about this is my biggest fear about this... is the look of the Labia. i know i know, no REAL girls gentials are "prefect" but im attracted to women... so ive seen plenty of pics and videos.../not to proud of that... but im REALY REALY REALY hoping the outer labia look "right" to me.
i want them to cover everything underneith...and...yeah...this is realy hard to me to come out and write this stuff, my head is screaming you sicko pervert freak ect ect at me :censor: but im very very very very concerned what its going to look like....
and ofc the biggest queastions of all.
Cost, how much can it cost, what all gets done, who or where should i go too...I watched on the discovery channel about two places that impressed me. On is in Canada(i fail to remember the name of the place), Dr. Macri Bowers in Trinidad Colorado... everyone knows what im talking about? Any personal Suggestions? Ideas? is going out of the country to tailand Safe? im realy hesitant to leave the country and go to tailand... What about Japan? i LOVE japan, i was thinking maybe when i go to my Japan trap maybe ill go over a 80%female and come back a 100% WOMAN :daydreaming:
Oh almost forgott but this is important to, but
A Thearpist! how would i got about getting approval for SRS, and transistioning ect ect... Anyone have Suggestions for someone in Suffolk Virginia? i need some good support and psychological direction.
Im sorry for the novel but im so new to this so many questions i hope my questions werent making you uncomfortable but i HAD to put aside my inhibitions so i could ask the questions I NEED TO KNOW
thank you girls so much
i want my dreams to come true so bad, i just need to know these things so i can plan, and estimate and believe that in 5 years i can start down the road to my beautiful dreams.