Ruth
03-06-2010, 06:05 PM
I saw this phrase in a recent post and it had instant impact: it related so much to how I feel much of the time. This is not another of those 'isn't life wonderful' posts – my CDing is still giving me plenty of problems – but there is an upside to the picture in terms of self-acceptance and what it can do for you.
For a long time I repressed and tried to deny my transgender nature, and the result was an uptight and frequently irritable and unhappy man. Also – and this is where the skin comes in – I had ambivalent feelings about my own body. It wasn't the old dysphoria business about wishing I was a woman; it was more a generalized discontent and a kind of shame about a male-appearing body which never seemed to correspond exactly to my inner feelings about how I should look. I didn't like to see myself naked and I didn't like anybody else to see me either.
Since coming out to my wife and working through my CDing in therapy, I have accepted the way I am internally, and have also been able to reconcile it very much with the external: this is partly my own work and partly nature's. I have removed all body hair from neck to toes, and am able to appreciate the more rounded contours that come with middle age (plus the dreaded man-breasts!). I'm now happy with the appearance of my naked body, and though I haven't become an exhibitionist, I no longer flinch from being seen naked even by my own wife. Of course I much prefer to be seen wearing a pretty dress, but don't we all. So, in the words of the title, I am at last comfortable in my own skin.
For a long time I repressed and tried to deny my transgender nature, and the result was an uptight and frequently irritable and unhappy man. Also – and this is where the skin comes in – I had ambivalent feelings about my own body. It wasn't the old dysphoria business about wishing I was a woman; it was more a generalized discontent and a kind of shame about a male-appearing body which never seemed to correspond exactly to my inner feelings about how I should look. I didn't like to see myself naked and I didn't like anybody else to see me either.
Since coming out to my wife and working through my CDing in therapy, I have accepted the way I am internally, and have also been able to reconcile it very much with the external: this is partly my own work and partly nature's. I have removed all body hair from neck to toes, and am able to appreciate the more rounded contours that come with middle age (plus the dreaded man-breasts!). I'm now happy with the appearance of my naked body, and though I haven't become an exhibitionist, I no longer flinch from being seen naked even by my own wife. Of course I much prefer to be seen wearing a pretty dress, but don't we all. So, in the words of the title, I am at last comfortable in my own skin.