The effects of purging, on a GG...

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Before I start, I want this to be understood. What I am about to type is from ONE accepting GG's point of view, but could also be very relevant to a non-accepting GG, whom insists on there CD'ing husbands/SO's, "quitting". I have read so many threads about purging, but really have never heard a GG's view on it, so I decided to write one myself, since I have been through it a few times myself now.

1. They are truly unhappy. (Purging is not something a CD'er really WANTS to do. It is something an outside influence WANTS/INSISTS/MANIPULATES them to do. Who would want to be anything but themselves???)

2. They withdraw. (This is not only a dangerous thing to them, but a sure-fire way to kill any relationship.)

3. They become resentful. (Though it may not be your fault, (SO's I mean) it could be because of something you did or said to them, that made them feel rejected. (Not even intentional) It may be because society hammers this nonsense in their heads. Back to, this is not something that they actually want to do. Bad medicine.)

4. They lose/reject/abandon a special part of themselves. (Here is a scenario. You love your flower garden. Everyday you tend to it, care for it, nurture it. Watch it blossom into something you see as beautiful. One day, someone comes along and tells you, you can no longer have it. Not only do they dig it up? They pave right over it. Never again can you have your garden there, where it belonged. Now yes, you could maybe move it somewhere else, but it could never be in that "right" place again.)

5. They brewed. (Ok, how fun is THAT??? They are miserable. You are miserable. LIFE is miserable. Oh, JOY!!!)

6. $800.00 worth of clothes are now in the trash heap. (This is a waste of money, cause you know what? They are going to do it again. THIS IS NOT A SICKNESS. They can not be "cured". There isn't anything wrong with them. There IS something wrong with society.)

7. They are forced to become secretive. They are who they are. (This is the #2 way, for some #1, you choose, to kill a relationship. Now we are dealing with broken trust. UGH! Is there a way back from this??? IMO? No...)

8. Now WE, (SO's) are more confused and unhappy. (Who is this sad, depressed, withdrawn, resentful, sometimes angry person. This IS NOT who I started with.) Well, no it is not. You started with a CD'er, whether it is unbeknownst to you, or not, now you have a shell of that person. Life sucks...

9. Learning to give them space and time. (NOT always easy, but necessary. This is after all, about who they are. Let them work this out for themselves, be A PART OF IT. Be supportive. Be patient and try along the way, to understand. A long haul? Yes. A lot to ask? Yes. A lot to learn? Definitely. Worth it all? Well, that all depends on what that relationship means to you. Loving your best-friend for the rest of your life?
Priceless...


Feel free to add on to whatever I may have missed....

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Thanks! Extremely useful to hear the perspective from the "other side." Hopefully, will do some good...

[Melissa Ryan]

Wow! You are so switched on to this! I am so impressed! You got it so right with "You started with a crossdresser" I have always told my partners up front, but I can understand how others would not say anything. It is always nice to hear supportive and understanding things :) Thankyou!!!! :love:


........Melissa............

[Tristen Cox]

Gawd damn I love you Pattie! :bow:

[Clare]

If only my ex wife could have read your post three months ago!

I see so much of 'me' in your text, and a lot that my ex could have considered as an important part of our relationship!

Thanks for being so 'observant' and expressing your thoughts with such clarity.

HUGS

Christine

[Deborah]

That was very sweet. Would be nice if more people would just realize its part of who we are and that we are not monsters. Part of the reason for my divorce was Amy (I never told her i wanted to be female)....oh well.:rolleyes:

[emmicd]

Pattie,

You are so special in how you can understand and be so sympathetic to the cross dresser who has experienced purging. It is with a heavy heart that I purged in the past. I thought that by saying good bye to my beautiful feminine clothing I would also put a stop to the very secret desire to dress.

Very important times in my life caused me to purge. When I was visiting my mom in the hospital when she was very ill I was going through a difficult time and I was mixed up so I decided to purge because I did not want to break my mothers heart if she found out. She was fragile due to her illness.

I really was hoping she would recover. I gave all my clothing to good will and I felt like I was starting anew. I went to visit my mom everyday at the hospital with my dad. We knew she was sick and concerned. Well she gave up her will to live and did die within a few months. She died 4 months shy of her 51st birthday. I was so devestated because I lost my mother who was very special to me and felt sad that she never got to see me marry and raise my own family.

Needless to say, after going to her wake and funeral I had to get away so I took a vacation with my dad and we became closer.

I started to gravitate back to crossdressing within a few months of my mother's death It was my security blanket. I needed it back.

I also started going to a psychologist and found myself focusing on my work and trying to meet girls.

When I met the right girl and was preparing to get married I purged again giving most of my new wardrobe to goodwill again but did keep a few dresses in case I needed to secretly dress. I felt that getting married would help me give it up entirely. Getting married was the happiest time in my life and I was so lucky. Within a year we were having a baby! I was on cloud nine. When my wife was about to have the baby I made sure I purged the remainder of my wardrobe. I was so excited. When we had the baby it was the best time in our life. I did not need to dress and I felt so proud being a dad. I couldn't get enough of holding our baby.

After a few years of being completly absorbed in my new life with being married, having a child and a place of our own Life was great. There was no time to crossdress. I didn't even need to.

As my work became more stressful it seemed I needed an outlet and once again I came back to crossdressing or should I say it came back to me!

I'm happily married, we have a wonderful child, I am still close with my dad and my sisters and we have a place of our own. Yet I still have this need to crossdress.

So I've come to the conclusion that purging is not the answer. It only makes you want it more once that desire comes back.

So thank you Patti for your view and your understanding!

I am a hardworking person, I am a loving husband and I am a very proud father!

I am also a closet crossdresser who doesn't need to purge anymore and I am OK!

Emmi

[FionaAlexis]

Pattie,

I’ve read your post with much interest and I too congratulate you for posting it. However I thought it was going to be about how SOs feel during the purge period but it was more a description of how you think WE feel. And indeed, I can relate very well to what you describe – however not at the point of purging. Well not in my case – those feelings are more akin to how I felt at the time the urgent need to dress re-awakened after the hiatus..….which was closely linked to this loss of female self image thing.

My view is that only small percentage of those trannies who purge do so because of some external influence or because they feel obliged to purge. I believe that most trannies who purge do so because that is what they want to do at that moment of time – because they believe it is the best thing for THEM. In the weeks or months following the purge they are just as likely to feel euphoric as depressed. Those, who do feel forced, will more often than not go underground and dress in secret. My guess is that those who post that they are considering purging soon – probably don’t purge - and are simply seeking a re-affirmation that they are OK people and will regret purging.

I think trannies actually purge for all kinds of reasons like – a desire to fit in and be normal, finding a new love in their life, found a great new career, abject fear of being discovered, fear of going to hospital, fed up with the whole damn thing, finally accepting they aren’t going to achieve what they thought, getting too old….

For me the moment of purging was as much a blessed release, a relief - a weight off my shoulders – as a painful farewell to a wonderful lifestyle….or the mental anguish of going cold turkey.

Most of the responses to your post are [quite correctly] congratulatory but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs.

Fiona xx

[Jenny Beth]

Thanks for putting into words what so many of us have had to deal with, both SO's and CD's alike. While I have never purged to the point of throwing everything away I have put this on the back burner and tried to pretend it didn't matter. It has taken many years for both of us to understand and be comfortable with this side of me and each day is a wonderful journey together. My avatar says "wife's best friend" because that's how things have been since there are no secrets and there isn't anything either of us can't talk about. For us the balance between my male and female side makes for a closeness most couples never experience, if only all relationships could be this way. It takes an incredibly understanding and loving woman to make a relationship like this work, it's so nice to see so many women here who fall into that category.

[Tamara Croft]

WOW... Pattie, what an amazing post :hugs: Purging is something Tam hasn't done in our relationship, well not in the sense where she throws away all her stuff. But she does tend to put Tam back in the closet for a while, I'm not sure why...... but it's something to discuss I guess.

[Rainbow6562005]

Thank you for posting a kind and loving window into the soul of a CDer. Your apparent Buddhist perspective is truly demonstrated. :)

Namaste.

Rainbow

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Pattie,

I’ve read your post with much interest and I too congratulate you for posting it. However I thought it was going to be about how SOs feel during the purge period but it was more a description of how you think WE feel. And indeed, I can relate very well to what you describe – however not at the point of purging. Well not in my case – those feelings are more akin to how I felt at the time the urgent need to dress re-awakened after the hiatus..….which was closely linked to this loss of female self image thing.

My view is that only small percentage of those trannies who purge do so because of some external influence or because they feel obliged to purge. I believe that most trannies who purge do so because that is what they want to do at that moment of time – because they believe it is the best thing for THEM. In the weeks or months following the purge they are just as likely to feel euphoric as depressed. Those, who do feel forced, will more often than not go underground and dress in secret. My guess is that those who post that they are considering purging soon – probably don’t purge - and are simply seeking a re-affirmation that they are OK people and will regret purging.

I think trannies actually purge for all kinds of reasons like – a desire to fit in and be normal, finding a new love in their life, found a great new career, abject fear of being discovered, fear of going to hospital, fed up with the whole damn thing, finally accepting they aren’t going to achieve what they thought, getting too old….

For me the moment of purging was as much a blessed release, a relief - a weight off my shoulders – as a painful farewell to a wonderful lifestyle….or the mental anguish of going cold turkey.

Most of the responses to your post are [quite correctly] congratulatory but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs.

Fiona xx

"but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs."


What and why I wrote what I did, IS based on my personal experience when my husband, Gem, purges. I am sorry if you felt it was not informative enough and as far as the use of the word "possible"? It is not a possibility that we, SO's, will be effected. It is a guarantee. I cannot climb into his head to explain his feelings or even fully understand his reasoning. All I can tell you is what I see. What I feel. I see a sad, confused, withdrawn, sometimes resentful person, standing in front of me and it is heartbreaking. I see the effects this turmoil has on him, which in-turn, effects me. It effects every aspect of our lives and our relationship. Just as his CD'ing does. The point I was trying to make, with out having to spell it out in heartbreaking detail was, we, SO's/wives ARE indeed effected with every aspect of CDing. We don't just help them dress or do their make-up, or shop with them. We are right along side them on this roller-coaster ride. We are there for the highs and the lows. We watch the transformations from he to she. We share their happiness when they are at peace, when they find their balance, but we are also there for the "crash and burn". MY personal experience whilst my husband purges is the agony I see within him, while this internal battle ensues. I watch my husband slip away from me. I see the unhappiness. I see the confusion. I deal with the depression, the mood swings, the withdrawal. He is NOT the same person when he purges. How could he be when he is trying so hard to repress, cut off, eliminate, hide a major part of himself?
So what can I do? I can try to get him to talk to me. I can try to explain to him, that I love EVERY part of who he is. I can make a safe haven in my arms and in my heart for him AND for Gem. I can try to be patient, sensitive and understanding. I can hide my own heartbreak to spare him. I can cry alone, so not to upset him more. I can deal with the loss. (It is a loss to me, by the way. It is an expression of grieving for me.) My mind can try to explain to my heart that I must be patient. I cannot fix this broken heart I see, I have to accept whatever decision he makes. I also have to accept the fact that all of this sadness, this chaos, this confusion is at his own hand. He is the one who decides to purge. I have to try to understand the reasoning behind this, when I am not even sure HE does. But the choice I make is MY own. I choose to love him, accept him and his decisions and weather these storms with him, for the rest of my life.

So in conclusion, the effects of purging on a GG are heartbreaking and devastating. And if I had the choice, I would want Gem to be a part of our lives always. She is the pieces of the puzzle, that completes my husband. That completes us.

I hope this was a bit clearer for you Foina and others, that are trying to get to the heart of the matter when it comes to SO's...
This is the personal experience of one.

[LaceLuvr]

i love the fact that you wrote these posts and i agree in so many ways with what you've said. I've been forced by circumstances to not dress at all before (never purged) and it's miserable... i do have the advantage over many of the people on this site that i'm not a full crossdresser (strictly lingerie and occasionally heels) that helps but even if you just dress a little bit it's still a part of who you are.

i can also agree with the postings that say some purge and feel better, but from a personal perspective I could never see it being a permanent feeling, denying yourself is never healthy in my opinion.

having rambled my thoughts let me just say that posts like these make me even happier that I have an understanding GG in my life that has accepted my dressing from day one, slight apprehension at first maybe but that only lasted a very short time just to let it sink in as it is a first-time experience for her. But she's is great about it and encourages me to be myself, not once has she tried to keep me from being myself.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

This is just my way of venting a bit. Of dealing with what has been going on in our life lately. The thing about my husband purging isn't just the clothes. It is his attempt to expel this side of him, that he both loves and hates. Something I feel in an impossible task also something I cannot fully understand, but then again, I am not a CD'er. I don't have to deal with the effect of society. All I can do, is what I stated in my posts. Love him, stand by him and hope this storm will pass and he will realize, that there is nothing "wrong" with him, but there is a sh*t load of stuff wrong with the world.

And thank you Fiona, for making me think about how I really feel about this.

[Sophie_A]

Thank you Patty,
Your insights into life are so accurate and truthful. I have purged many times in the past, and I must confess the feelings you describe, I have felt. Its odd you feel as if you are one of the 'normal' people rather than one of the odd, but this only lasts for a few days, and then it returns, it doesnt seem odd, it seems a part of your life that you must satisfy. I must admit I cried as I read, but now smile as I realize your love for each other.

You are an :angel:

[ChristineRenee]

Hi hon,

It's all about the conflict within...much of this heavily contributed to by society being unable to accept males who have, and display, their feminine side. Therefore, the CD lives in constant fear of being discovered and never feels comfortable totally with who they really are.

It really is all about being who you really are and being comfortable with it. Often a CD'er will try to separate out the male and female sides...having two separate and distinct personalities. Many times they determine that their male side harbors all the bad or less desirable traits while their female side is all the best of who they are. I don't believe that this is a healthy approach. If there is one thing that I really got out of therapy, it was the need to integrate my male and female persona's into one person and personality. Neither side...male or female...is all bad or all good in and of themselves. I feel personally that I am a composite...with the female side being the more prominent...and dominant side. Yet Chrissie is certainly no saint and "Roy" is certainly no monster either. Integrate all these aspects of who you are into one distinctive person and you can appreciate both the positive and negative sides of both genders. I think it helps make you a more well rounded individual overall and certainly boosts your self-esteem...something that many CD'ers often do struggle with their whole life.

Just my 2 cents here. Good thread Pattie...and I know how you both feel right now and hope maybe that this post helps you both out.:)

Love always,

Chrissie Bear:love:

[SilkenPrincess]

Patti,
You have painted my picture as well! If only my wife understood half of what you know, life could be so exciting and free. She and I have both lost a very great deal, but she is convinced that it's my fault alone. I don't shun my responsibility, but she is far from guiltless. She just doesn't know it. I am the "one with the problem".
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know that there are real loving people who are not afraid to stand with their mates.
Love,
SilkenPrincess

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Often a CD'er will try to separate out the male and female sides...having two separate and distinct personalities. Many times they determine that their male side harbors all the bad or less desirable traits while their female side is all the best of who they are.

All too true... Everyone's got to take their own path, so I don't see a "right" or "wrong" way to CD. But I personally I think it's a good idea to remember both your femme-self and homme-self are part of larger whole and you can chose to integrate the best parts of each regardless of what you're wearing.

[Priscilla1018]

Patty,you are a GEM for posting this.You are a diamond.Thanks.

[Melissa A.]

I knew all of this, Pattie. Knew it 6 years ago, when my marriage to my best friend fell apart. Knew it 7, 8, 9 years ago, whenever she felt utterly betrayed by it. I just didn't know at the time how to say it, and know I was onto something. I didn't have this. And you. And all the other wonderful people here. She didn't know, and I didn't know how to tell her. Partially because I believed what she and the rest of the world were telling me: what I was doing was wrong.

Actually, since then, we have become good friends again, and she actually has done some research, and now understands, to a degree. It's too late for our romantic relationship, but people come here every day with the same troubles, and confusion, inside both themselves and their partners. And I can only thank you, Pattie, from the bottom of my heart, for being here for them. You are one of the good guys. You make this world a better place. We need more like you.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[FionaAlexis]

Pattie,

Thank you for your response. I didn’t doubt that your post was based on personal experience and your perception of your partner's struggles. My comment was directed the CD members here who seem content to applaud your post without giving any real instances of purging in their own lives. They are more than happy with your confirmation that they are poor misunderstood souls who will risk going through all kinds of mental anguish just to make their SOs happy. But they shouldn’t because they just can’t help it.

Apart from my own experiences, I know and I was in contact with 3 who have actually purged in recent times. They were all single, all self-employed and they all had the option of dressing, as and when, they wished. They had zero restrictions.

The first is from Sydney. She is around the same age as me and her main personal goal was to find a GG who would share her lifestyle and her sexual interests. She fell in love with a woman who dressed the way she liked to dress and who was very compatible except she didn’t know about the CD-ing. She went through a period of ‘should I?’ or ‘shouldn’t I?’ tell her but, in the end, she went skipping down to the charity bin to dump her stuff. There was no mental anguish then. She took down her website and I haven’t heard from her since and that’s almost two years later – except for one birthday greeting.

The second is someone who has had a number of traumatic and life changing events in last few years totally unrelated to her cross dressing activities and, who became increasingly uncomfortable with being a tranny and felt more and more anxious and out of place going out to clubs and functions. She simply stopped and it seemed to me to be a very complex decision but I have no sense that she quit because she felt forced to stop or to repress her desires. I rather got the feeling those desires were so diminished or no longer existed and had been consigned to the trivial end of the 'do list'. She had simply been going through the motions by dressing up for months and that it was an unnecessary and even unpleasant effort to go out.

The third is one who discovered who she was, ‘freed’ herself and found a new ‘inner strength’ through one of these New Age – psycho-motivational-life changing ‘institutions of learning’. She stopped, actually he stopped because he quit using a female name, and his final messages to me were very positive and uplifting. He said things like he was comfortable with himself, no longer felt repressed and had found ways of expressing himself other than cross dressing. He no longer felt the need to cross dress because he had integrated his female side into his life. This was more the positive zeal of the newly converted.

A fourth is married and I’ve corresponded with her only very briefly. She had only recently come to cross dressing – after years of repression [?]. She was very enthusiastic about her new tranny lifestyle and was taking in all the dressing advice she could get. She decided to tell her partner which she did. It did not go as planned and she decided to put the urge back in the box.

I still believe that trannies who actually purge do so because that is what they want to do at that period in time. I also think there can be a wee bit of emotional coercion and emotional vindication seeking going on from time to time. And maybe we, married trannies, just want to have our cake and eat it?

Fiona xx

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Gawd damn I love you Pattie! :bow:

GAWD DAMN, I love you too!!!!! :love: :D

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I am glad to see so much thoughts, feelings and experiences in this thread. To each and everyone of you, Thanks so very much.

I consider myself so very, very blessed, to have so many people here that I am able to connect and share with and with many, have had the opportunity to develop such close and cherished friendships.
Where else but here, would I have ever been able to find that?

:hugs: & :kissing:

[Holly]

Pattie, thank-you for this thread and for reminding us that we are not in this alone. It's important to be reminded from time to time that those of us with partners have a profound impact on one another. It's good to be reminded that those with accepting SO's (and I'm one myself) also have issues to deal with.

The good news is that you love Gem with all your heart and it hurts you so to see him hurt, confused, angry, and struggling. If your feelings for this man were not this strong, his condition would have a less severe impact on you. The bad news is that you love Gem with all your heart and it hurts you so to see him hurt, confused, angry, and struggling. This makes for two unhappy people, not just one. I know it's not fair but that's the way it is.

So, what to do? Pattie, we're friends and I cherrish the friendship we have. I know that you and your family have and are going through things that aren't easy. If I might be so bold to suggest that this rebellion Gem is showing against CDing right now is not necessarily about CDing at all? It's more about some of the other things that are going "bad" at the moment, or at least he believes are going bad. On it's best day, this is a tough society to live in... financial pressures, career pressures, family pressures, political pressures, and the list goes on and on and on. Add to this mix that CDing is not something that society embraces with great affection. Now we have a convenient scapegoat to blame all our troubles on. In other words, macho male BS. "If I can just get this d**n crossdressing under control, all this other stuff will fix itself." This is also known as male denial or "I'm off the hook because I found someone/something else to blame."

Fortunately, there is a cure... although it may be somewhat painful itself for a time. The cure? Communication. He's not going to want to talk about some of these things. YOU may not want to talk about some of them either. But you must and so must he. Spend some time reminding one another just how important you are to each other. Reaffirm in your minds what you know is in your hearts. Then, once that foundation of love, trust, respect, hope, and support has been confirmed, start going for the real issues... why does your heart ache, why does his heart ache? And decide together what you can do to make things better for one another.

And always remember that both you and Gem have lots and lots of friends here who want to help if you'll only ask. The two of you have given us all so much, it's only right that we be here for you and Gem now.

[racquel]

I want to say how great it is to have someone who expresses the depth of love and commitment husband and wife pledge to each other, through thick and thin,richer and poorer,sickness and in health.
I admire you. :thumbsup:

[kellypm]

wow


pattie you have just described my feelings and my life in a way i have never been able to express but i just could not find the words,

julia has purged on many occasions and it is soo hard to deal with the after effects and how it changes your SO so completely

there was an occasion when juila wanted to purge and get rid of all her things but i told her no i said that she did not really want to she was being made to feel like she should and that if she threw all her stuff out i would just bring it back in for her, because julia is a part of who she is and i will never try to change that again. i feel so gulity because at the very beggining i was trying to get her to stop but now i try to encourage her to express her self


But im glad that you can all see that sometimes when you purge, for those of us that are still finding a happy balance, this can be extremely confusing and even harder to comprehend than just expressing who you are

Thank you thankyou for starting this post

Kelly

[Tristen Cox]

Best thread I've seen all year. Let me just give it a nudge back on top ;)

[LaceLuvr's GG]

I have very much enjoyed reading the responses to this thread. Being a GG, I would never in a million years be happpy if my SO decided to purge. I would never ask him to, but if something arose that made him feel that he needed to I know in my heart that he wouldn't be happy.

When I first met him, I'm not going to say he was a totally different person, but I will say that he seemed a lot more withdrawn and unhappy. Since our relationship has grown, and he has realized just how ok I am with this, he seems to be a lot more happier person. I'm definately not speaking from experience on this, as I am very new to this lifestyle.. but just from what I have learned... honesty = happiness.

If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be happy. Burning the clothes, giving them away... it's not going to change who you are. You should be proud of who you are... and I definately agree with you Pattie.. it's society that is messed up and wrong... NOT YOU!!!

[MichelleGray502]

Thanks pattie for a great thread, it was very nice of you to express your feelings and opions to us all, I used to purge in 'me early days of crossdressing when i could only dress maybe 3 times a year due to circumstances at 'th time. I' am only guessing here but i must 'ave thrown out 'bout anywhere between $ 600-1200 dollars worth of clothing due to purgeing i wish i never had done it. until this i 'ave never been able to totally able to replace everything completely but do have a decnt wardrobe these days with many things still to buy (wig etc). I am happly married now with a supporting gg wife that really helps out a lot and i will never 'ave to purge again what i do now is when i cant dress for a certain period of time is I just put them away in 'th back of 'th closet untill when i can dress again.

[urban gypsy]

your posting was honest and true, that i asked my wife to read it, she said it opened up a whole new way of thinking, lets hope it helps a lot of cd'ers

big hugs :hugs:
joanna

[Rachel Ann]

This is priceless, Pattie. I've passed it on to a couple of Tgfs who purged "to make their wives happy" - it never occurred to them - or their wives - what the negative effects on the SO can be.

During the battle in the American Psychiatric Association (1963-1973) over whether to de-list homosexuality as a pathology, the opponents noted the high rate of emotional disorders among lesbians and gays. Somebody finally pointed out that it was because of how society treated them, not because of who/what they were.

I think that the same thing may well apply to us. (Not that there are no gays among "us".)

hugs

Rachel

[FionaAlexis]

I've passed it on to a couple of Tgfs who purged "to make their wives happy"


That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?

Fiona xx

[Tristen Cox]

My best friend has :(

[hidden]

That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?

Fiona xx

Yes I did :(

[Rachel Ann]

That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?
Perhaps I should have said "to avert divorce".

[FionaAlexis]

Yes I did :(

Thank you. Was this as the result of an ultimatum - either you stop this...or I....? Or did you simply feel it was causing her distress?

Presumably you are dressing again - so how did it resolve itself?

Fiona xx

[Julie]

1. They are truly unhappy. (Purging is not something a CD'er really WANTS to do. It is something an outside influence WANTS/INSISTS/MANIPULATES them to do. Who would want to be anything but themselves???) Absolutely true! All my unhappiness comes from my attempt to live life in a way family, friends and society want me to. I'd love to be myself all the time but the repercussions from it are too much for me to handle.

2. They withdraw. (This is not only a dangerous thing to them, but a sure-fire way to kill any relationship.)

3. They become resentful. (Though it may not be your fault, (SO's I mean) it could be because of something you did or said to them, that made them feel rejected. (Not even intentional) It may be because society hammers this nonsense in their heads. Back to, this is not something that they actually want to do. Bad medicine.) Resentfulness and withdrawl for me go hand in hand. I first become resentful because I KNOW there's nothing harmful in crossdressing but this myopic society just refuses to open their eyes. I then withdraw because I feel like a reject from society and therefore am unanted. This creates a downward spiral that can, if not checked, lead to severe depression.

4. They lose/reject/abandon a special part of themselves. (Here is a scenario. You love your flower garden. Everyday you tend to it, care for it, nurture it. Watch it blossom into something you see as beautiful. One day, someone comes along and tells you, you can no longer have it. Not only do they dig it up? They pave right over it. Never again can you have your garden there, where it belonged. Now yes, you could maybe move it somewhere else, but it could never be in that "right" place again.) Well put! If the rest of the world knew what we are forced to give up and the negative effect it has on us as well as on everyone we know, I think they would be encouraging us to live life as we need to.

5. They brewed. (Ok, how fun is THAT??? They are miserable. You are miserable. LIFE is miserable. Oh, JOY!!!)

6. $800.00 worth of clothes are now in the trash heap. (This is a waste of money, cause you know what? They are going to do it again. THIS IS NOT A SICKNESS. They can not be "cured". There isn't anything wrong with them. There IS something wrong with society.) I finally got past this stage after realizing I would be this way for life. But when I look back I miss so many things I threw out and wonder why I succumbed to the self inflicted pressure.

7. They are forced to become secretive. They are who they are. (This is the #2 way, for some #1, you choose, to kill a relationship. Now we are dealing with broken trust. UGH! Is there a way back from this??? IMO? No...) No doubt a BIG problem with any relationship. I was open with my SO since before we married but then the desire seemed to be gone. It took almost two years before it returned but by then my wife thought I was cured. I didn't want to disappoint her by getting reinvolved with Tri-Ess or other CD organizations so I supressed it the best I could. She'd see underwear in the wash but I never talked about fully dressing up. I thought I could keep it under control. When I lost the battle it erupted and I just gave in. My wife couldn't handle the sudden change and sort of short circuited.

8. Now WE, (SO's) are more confused and unhappy. (Who is this sad, depressed, withdrawn, resentful, sometimes angry person. This IS NOT who I started with.) Well, no it is not. You started with a CD'er, whether it is unbeknownst to you, or not, now you have a shell of that person. Life sucks.. It's such a shame this snowball effect hurts not only the crossdresser but his entire family and sometimes friends too. Here sits a defeated man who has lost an important part of himself. He was defeated in battle and he lost something very near and dear to him. He must have time to mourn. But the clothes are only symbolic and soon a new life will emerge. Next time he must be prepared to protect that one better than he did the last.

9. Learning to give them space and time. (NOT always easy, but necessary. This is after all, about who they are. Let them work this out for themselves, be A PART OF IT. Be supportive. Be patient and try along the way, to understand. A long haul? Yes. A lot to ask? Yes. A lot to learn? Definitely. Worth it all? Well, that all depends on what that relationship means to you. Loving your best-friend for the rest of your life?
Priceless...

Beautifully written. Well stated. Thorough and compassionate.

Thanks. I hope this gets well circulated. It's too important to be lost in this forum.

[ChristineRenee]

Julie...very well said and I agree. This has got to be THE thread of the year and required reading for all CD's and their spouses or SO's.

Pattie...I have said this to you so many times and I'm gonna keep on saying it till YOU get it love...you have wisdom far beyond your years and an insight and instinct that few can match. On behalf of all of us on this site...I want to thank you once again for everything you do for us and for being the very special person that you are. Your Gem will come back to you again...we both know that to be true....and he will reaffirm to you yet again why he is the most wonderful man in the world that you married. Count on it hon!;) Thanks again for a great thread...and Julie...thanks for your very heartfelt response to it as well.

[Marla GG]

Pattie,

What a beautiful and moving piece of writing. I have never seen purging described from a GG perspective either, so your contribution is all the more valuable for being unique.

I know I am late chiming in here. Initially I felt I had nothing to add, since I have never dealt with this in my relationship with Angel. But after thinking about it for a while, I remembered a conversation that Angel and I had a couple of years ago.

I told him, "If you ever stopped wearing girls' clothes. I'd think you didn't love me anymore."

That is because I really believe that Angel's love for me, along with his other tender emotions, resides mostly within his femme self. If he were to shut that down, the love might still be there, but it would be locked somewhere deep inside where I could not feel it. So I do understand you Pattie, more than I realized at first. Thanks for reminding me that I need Angel's girl side just as much as she needs me.

[Katiegirl]

I have just read your post Pattie and I can only say it must be the best post I have seen on any forum or article on this subject.

You have described how I felt the times I have purged, however you have gone further, you have given me an insight on the effects on those around me, which I have never considered and I doubt weither many other CD's here have either.

I don't know if this article would have helped me when my first marriage broke up which was over 20 years ago, however it must help any Cder wanting to purge or their SO's who insist they do so. At least it must give them many aspects to consider.

It has taken me over 40 years to come to terms with myself, I know I cannot do without my female side and now as I live alone I can be Katie for most of the time I am at home or at TG Events, but my male side cames out when I am at work or at singles meetings. If by chance I meet a GG that I wish to share my life with, I hope she is has the understanding you have.

Thank you for a wonderful thead

:)

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

[hidden]

Thank you. Was this as the result of an ultimatum - either you stop this...or I....? Or did you simply feel it was causing her distress?

Presumably you are dressing again - so how did it resolve itself?

Fiona xx

It was the result of an ultimatum and no I'm not dressing again.

[FionaAlexis]

It was the result of an ultimatum and no I'm not dressing again.

Thank you again for your response. I hope everything is working out well for you both. My best wishes. Fiona xx

[Sweet Jeanette]

I have never been asked to quit my CDing by my wife. ---I have never been looked down by her about it. -As soon as I told her about it, she became supportive of me, and Jeanette. ------Her support of me & Jeanette has not waned in over 4 years. ---Tonight, she redid my nails for me, from shimmery pink, to red. She helps me in EVERY way that you can think of. She is very much like you are, except in certain respects. -You have a depth of "feeling" and understanding, for a person in our CD situation. To most CDs, this, I believe this is unknown! You have a grip of the gravity and intensity of us that I wish that ALL girlfriends, wives, etc. - had, of CDs. My wife doe's not have this, but if she does, she never talks to me about it. It seems, that she just ---Totally---accepts me the way I am. ---She is not much of a talker though. ---And, I accept her for "Her"! I guess that some women are just that way. I do not question her about it, not one bit!!! You sound like a "Gem"!!! ----I wish there were more of your kind!

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I have never been asked to quit my CDing by my wife. ---I have never been looked down by her about it. -As soon as I told her about it, she became supportive of me, and Jeanette. ------Her support of me & Jeanette has not waned in over 4 years. ---Tonight, she redid my nails for me, from shimmery pink, to red. She helps me in EVERY way that you can think of. She is very much like you are, except in certain respects. -You have a depth of "feeling" and understanding, for a person in our CD situation. To most CDs, this, I believe this is unknown! You have a grip of the gravity and intensity of us that I wish that ALL girlfriends, wives, etc. - had, of CDs. My wife doe's not have this, but if she does, she never talks to me about it. It seems, that she just ---Totally---accepts me the way I am. ---She is not much of a talker though. ---And, I accept her for "Her"! I guess that some women are just that way. I do not question her about it, not one bit!!! You sound like a "Gem"!!! ----I wish there were more of your kind!
Give that wife of yours *HUGE HUGS*! If she is as you say Jeanette, she DOES possess the very same things.
GG's are, just as CD'ers, snowflakes. No two are the same. Just as there are a tremendous amount of CDing levels, there are the same for GG's. We are all our own person. We all have "things" about us that are special and unique. But as far as the TG community goes, I, (my own opinion), love this group of people most of all. The reasons for this? Well, if I were to list them all, this would be by far, the longest post EVER, but for the top few, here goes...

Top Ten Reason I love CD'ers....
10. No matter what kind of mood you are in, a CD'er can ACTUALLY relate and talk about more than just cars and sports.
9. When nothing in your closet looks "just right", there is always another closet to raid. :D
8. They can honestly understand a "bad hair day" or "These shoes are freakin' KILLING me, but aren't they cute?"
7. They agree that shopping REALLY IS therapy.
6. They don't get that "deer in the headlight" look when a GG says, "I am totally PMS'ing today!"
5. They love with all their heart.
4. They are not afraid or ashamed, to cry with you.
3. They are such honest and open people.
2. They make the VERY bestest friends! ;)
And the number one reason I love CD'ers?
My Gem

Thanks for like the millionth time, all of you, for being well, just you.

[letsdance GG]

All I can say here is. well, WOW!

I have been pretty silent here for awhile. Most of it is due to a new job that has me working 6 days a week.

The other part has been me trying to understand why things happen.

I will not go into it as deeply as Patti has but I will say that I have missed Rachel Lynn a great deal the last few months.

I know she has purged in the past and has always come back to dressing . I know it makes her very happy and content. It also scares her with all the "what ifs"

I have been accepting form the beginning and at times I am really confused. There are many facets to a CD'er that I would never have known about had I not come here and found all of you.

You have truly shown me what it is like for her and I applaud all of you that take the time to help another in need.

As usual, Patti has gone alll out and shared what I think alot of us would have had we the gift of writing that she does.

Thank you Patti for sharing yourself with us and thank you to everyone that responded with sincere thought.

Once again, I learned something here that will help me to be the Wife I want to be to the best person I have EVER known.

[MsEva]

Pattie,

You are so special in how you can understand and be so sympathetic to the cross dresser who has experienced purging. It is with a heavy heart that I purged in the past. I thought that by saying good bye to my beautiful feminine clothing I would also put a stop to the very secret desire to dress.

Very important times in my life caused me to purge. When I was visiting my mom in the hospital when she was very ill I was going through a difficult time and I was mixed up so I decided to purge because I did not want to break my mothers heart if she found out. She was fragile due to her illness.

I really was hoping she would recover. I gave all my clothing to good will and I felt like I was starting anew. I went to visit my mom everyday at the hospital with my dad. We knew she was sick and concerned. Well she gave up her will to live and did die within a few months. She died 4 months shy of her 51st birthday. I was so devestated because I lost my mother who was very special to me and felt sad that she never got to see me marry and raise my own family.

Needless to say, after going to her wake and funeral I had to get away so I took a vacation with my dad and we became closer.

I started to gravitate back to crossdressing within a few months of my mother's death It was my security blanket. I needed it back.

I also started going to a psychologist and found myself focusing on my work and trying to meet girls.

When I met the right girl and was preparing to get married I purged again giving most of my new wardrobe to goodwill again but did keep a few dresses in case I needed to secretly dress. I felt that getting married would help me give it up entirely. Getting married was the happiest time in my life and I was so lucky. Within a year we were having a baby! I was on cloud nine. When my wife was about to have the baby I made sure I purged the remainder of my wardrobe. I was so excited. When we had the baby it was the best time in our life. I did not need to dress and I felt so proud being a dad. I couldn't get enough of holding our baby.

After a few years of being completly absorbed in my new life with being married, having a child and a place of our own Life was great. There was no time to crossdress. I didn't even need to.

As my work became more stressful it seemed I needed an outlet and once again I came back to crossdressing or should I say it came back to me!

I'm happily married, we have a wonderful child, I am still close with my dad and my sisters and we have a place of our own. Yet I still have this need to crossdress.

So I've come to the conclusion that purging is not the answer. It only makes you want it more once that desire comes back.

So thank you Patti for your view and your understanding!

I am a hardworking person, I am a loving husband and I am a very proud father!

I am also a closet crossdresser who doesn't need to purge anymore and I am OK!

Emmi

Wow, Emmi and Patti...thank you for your insight! I know so much of what you are saying Emmi...gosh we are like twins....I have never actually purged though. I stored them in the attic away from my abilities to get them easily...but essentially stopped for a while. My dear wife does know and I am so truly fortunate to have her as she accepts me as Eva... :)

[TallnSassy]

Thank you for this posting thread.

I have been dressing for on and off the last 25 years and I often dream of that sexy little outfit that I got rid of, or that night gown that was given to me and later disposed of....

I have been married for 22 years, my wife is tolerant but not encouraging.... so I would often try to supress and to change but to no avail.

It would of been so much easier to not have this conflict but think of the pretty things I have had as a result.

I am who I am and Darn proud of it.......

[Sweet Jeanette]

Give that wife of yours *HUGE HUGS*! If she is as you say Jeanette, she DOES possess the very same things.
GG's are, just as CD'ers, snowflakes. No two are the same. Just as there are a tremendous amount of CDing levels, there are the same for GG's. We are all our own person. We all have "things" about us that are special and unique. But as far as the TG community goes, I, (my own opinion), love this group of people most of all. The reasons for this? Well, if I were to list them all, this would be by far, the longest post EVER, but for the top few, here goes...

Top Ten Reason I love CD'ers....
10. No matter what kind of mood you are in, a CD'er can ACTUALLY relate and talk about more than just cars and sports.
9. When nothing in your closet looks "just right", there is always another closet to raid. :D
8. They can honestly understand a "bad hair day" or "These shoes are freakin' KILLING me, but aren't they cute?"
7. They agree that shopping REALLY IS therapy.
6. They don't get that "deer in the headlight" look when a GG says, "I am totally PMS'ing today!"
5. They love with all their heart.
4. They are not afraid or ashamed, to cry with you.
3. They are such honest and open people.
2. They make the VERY bestest friends! ;)
And the number one reason I love CD'ers?
My Gem

Thanks for like the millionth time, all of you, for being well, just you.


I just now saw and read your reply to my post, and I let my wife read your reply. -------She is HAPPY! :) ----You have, " MADE HER DAY!" -----Thank you!

[angieSP]

Pattie,

You are a good wife for trying to understand. That says alot about you. Give it some time. I wish all wifes were as understanding as you.