A Bad Day

[thechic]

The Worst day of my life

This is long winded story, so don't bother reading if your not into them,just at to write about my day, no need to comment

A good then a bad day
Yesterday my Sister and here partner picked me up after me spending 3hrs on my makeup, the first time Ive had time to do a good job on the face.Wife was out for the day with the kids so off we went off to the winery for lunch.I had one
of my greatest times everybody was great,and the guys there were so friendly,felt over the moon.

Next day back to normal drab, wife and kids were home,the day went well i was quit happy.
Then it come to dinner we had decided to get a pizza so off i went with the oldest girl, as we waited we decided to have a coffee,thought i would tell here about me,but No I didn't
have the courage and it wasn't the right time,we then went to pick up the pizza and headed for home.

All was going well everybody was happy, so i thought.
then the daughter goes into the kitchen after a small argument with the wife,daughter on the computer to much. wife then offers me another piece of pizza,her relative busy in the kitchen,5 year old was watching TV.
Then It starts.
"Are You Trying to keep your Figure"
I say "Im full enough it filling Im not worried about my figure"(a white lie).
Your Just a Girl,I know your still love waring dresses,and makeup,you walk like a girl ,talk like a girl,your just a BI#$H, i bet everybody sees the makeup you have on",look you mascara is running " and just look at your nails, certainly don't need a sex change"and it went on, I did defend my self somewhat.
I felt so small,daughter in the kitchen crying, her family members portending nothing was happening.
Then she says Im going to ring up your work and friends and your mother and tell them what you are.
by this time Ive had enough,so i say "I don't care who you tell I just don't Care",got up off the chair and left, drove around for several hours.
Then decided to call into my sister and partners home.
she was concerned about me and gave me a wine to carm me down,and said you are welcome to stay here, the wife left several massages on the phone as i was listing the sisters
partner over heard them and rung the police against my will, there has been a history of conflict in the household im ashamed to say.
I Insisted i be alright and that they don't need to do anything about then the police wanted to talk to me I said everything was OK and that she didn't touch me.
so i sleeped over there for the night didn't sleep though.
Next morning i insisted i must go back at-lest to explain to my 16year old daughter.
I txt here to test the waters,i get a reply,Had a coffee, my sister and partner insist i not go back today, but i insisted i go.
They eventually give in only if they come with me , i finely agreed after an hour of discussion.
I got home in my van with them following in a car.Im greated by my daughter she say how could you ,Its all your fault (maybe it is)
I go inside to talk and grab some stuff,daughter screams someone is here (Its my sister and partner),i go to the bedroom to grab some basics,wife sees its my sister and starts Screaming as im grabbing some of my necessities to life i here the wife screaming profanities at my sister and friends and at the same time threatening them with the police.
I decide to to the talk latter Ive just got to get out of here,i will do the talk latter and start to make my way towards the bedroom door.The wife stops me and pushes me back" and says your not going anywhere "does your sister knows about you,i then realized its not that good being the more effeminate,person shes 6ft and twice my size and weight, Ive never felt so defenseless in my life.(I wish i wasn't the way i am, its such a curse).
Then the police come into the house the wife backs off and goes to talk to one of the police offices out side.the other police office comes in and ask if im ok because i shaking like a leaf,and we have a talk.
The situation carms down the police then walk out the front and talk to my sister and partner for 1/2 hour and come back in and i insist to them that im ok and she didn't touch me,(small white lie, must of looked like a real poof).
and off they go.
So Im back home the daughter blames me for the hole event.
Im now back at home things are carm,the wife is now extremely nice as she even left my face cream on the vanity unit.
Had 100 massages on the phone from concerned friends they don't no about me though.
wife says nobody knows about talking to her relatives they suggested that they didn't no what

the wife was talking about as they were busy.
but everybody is acting different.
Dont think i will have the talk with my daughter Now.
My family a relative still say I should leave,even my best friends but im worried and would miss the kids.
Now Im worried about more people knowing about me.:sad::sad::Angry3:

[Persephone]

Geneva, hon, my heart goes out to you. But, like any battered woman, I don't think you can allow what is happening to you to continue. Allowing your wife to continue in this out of control way doesn't sound like it is good for anyone.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Marcie4you]

Wow! All I can say is get outa there before I hear about you on the news! REALLY, for your own mental health!

[Sally-May]

Really isn't a good situation for you to be in sweetie. I can understand how much you love your kids. No one has the right to choose who you are or threaten you because of it. You have rights the same as everyone else. Maybe you should arrange to have a few days away so you can think about things for yourself because that is the important person right now.

Hopefully one day your SO will realise your the same person she has always known regardless of if your in drab or a dress.

[Shelly67]

My marriage is in difficulty right now , my only advice in reflection to such matters is firstly , go check with your G.P . Sometimes we are so emotionally effected , pent up and stressed we simply cannot see things clearly ...... secondly , long walks , cycle rides and such will give you time to be you - personally . The horror of reality , worries and fears can wear us all down terribly . We really need the time , the space to calm down . I wouldn't be concerned on people knowing about youre femme side - theyre prolly more worried about YOU.
Good luck xxx

[Jenny Gurl]

"The wife stops me and pushes me back" and says your not going anywhere "does your sister knows about you"

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. If this has happened more than once where she tries to physically or mentally attack you. It is also damaging to the children to see this kind of activity. I am by no way a psychiatrist, but it sounds like you need to see a professional and definitely work towards resolving this permanently. Weather that be getting the wife some professional help (if she will accept it), or starting the divorce proceedings something has to change or it will destroy you emotionally, and damage the children in a way they may have a difficult time recognizing a normal relationship when they grow up. Definitely take inventory of those who truly care about you, you may be needing to lean on them emotionally or even a temporary place to stay for a while until it is resolved. You know you have the girls here to talk to, and we understand in some ways that others can't. God Bless, you will get through this, and be a better person in a better living environment when it is over. :hugs::hugs:

[dawnmarrie1961]

Geneva, revelations have a habit of causing turmoil especially when they are in regards to some one close and intimate with you. Darkness never lasts forever and the light always comes to reveal bitter truths. No matter how careful you may have been. Secrets never stay secrets.

Give you family some time to absorb things and come to terms with it. Make no demands of acceptance.

You are still a "husband" and a "father". And although the former may change the later is all to important to forget about.

Time heals all wounds.

Be patient. Be persistent. Persevere.


Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[mklinden2010]

Just two cents - but most of the big decisions of your married life have already been made for you and you need to move on.

Your wife is "beating you up" with the situation and your efforts at turning the other cheek and trying to get along are only going to get you crucified - to no good purpose.

Remove yourself from the situation. The kids will eventually figure out that things could have been handled differently and will rethink who's fault what is...

Not that "fault" matters. What matters is finding a way for everyone to live a gentle, supportive, long life.

It's not going to be easy, making these changes. But, you must - for everyone's sake - do better than days like this or things will only get worse and worse. And, not just for you...

Good luck.

[TxKimberly]

Geneva,

I am so sorry that your life is so complicated and uncomfortable right now. I hope very much that things improve for you.

I wouldn't dream of advising you on how to deal with your wife. I haven't a clue (thank Goodness). Your daughter on the other hand . . .

I don't care how bad your wife makes you feel, how guilty, how sad, etc, etc, I think you should make the effort to speak to your daughter. If the only story she hears is from your wife, who is clearly not a big fan of what you are, then this is going to be the only picture your daughter has of you. Your daughter deserves to hear your side of the story, your explanation of what you are and how you got there, she deserves to know you. Mind you, I am suggesting that if your being TG is what is supposedly causing these arguments, you may want to speak with your daughter about what being TG means to you. I am NOT advocating dragging her into the argument between you and your wife, or asking her to take sides. No child should ever be put in that position.

Good luck Geneva. :hugs:

[Andy66]

I agree with Kimberly. Do not let your wife's side of the story be the only one they hear, but be careful not to put them in the middle either. And make sure the children know you still love and want them.

[RachR]

Obviously we don't know the whole story/history with your family, but just from what you've told us from this one incident you're describing the typical abusive relationship. If your sister's partner had the sense to call the police then there's an obvious problem. It's not her responsibility to take care of you but she's smart enough to realize you're in trouble. When the police asked you if your wife had touched you and you told your "small white lie" you just reinforced to your wife that she can do anything she wants to you. A push this time, her throwing something at you the next, slapping you, punching you...what will it take before you tell the truth? Do you need to be in the hospital because you have serious injury? Also, all this yelling, screaming and insulting is verbal and mental abuse. One of the best ways to ruin someone's life is to play with their emotions. Now that all that has happened your wife turns around and and plays nice again. Just like any other abusive relationship, the abuser turns around and behaves completely opposite, but will turn around and abuse again. You really do need to get out of this for your own safety (mental and physical).

I understand that you worry about your daughters. As was said before you'll always be a father so that's not something you can change. Something to keep in mind is that with all the fighting, even if you're not fighting back, your children are suffering as well. Your older daughter is old enough to understand what's happening, but at the same time you don't know what ideas she's been given that leads her to blaming you. You need to be honest and open with her. In the event of a divorce, if you have official documentation of abuse it'll be more likely that you'll have custody of your children. Regardless of what happens with custody, you still have a legal right to have time with your children.

As for you crossdressing...is that really more important than your sanity and your safety? Your wife is really good about using your dressing to control you. You've made it obvious that you have a good support group of friends. If these people really care about you then it won't matter that they know about your dressing. At some point you're going to have to decide what's more important...your secret that most people won't even care about, or your entire life.

I realize that I'm an outsider looking in, but I've had my fair share of experience with abusive relationships. I'm not going to sit here and tell you "It'll be ok. You and your family will work things out." It is a rare occurrence when an abuser really changes. You're not in a safe place; you really do need to get out. I know you're worried about your children, but if they know the whole truth it'll be easier. All you can do is be honest and open with them. Whether or not they accept it is up to them; that is not your responsibility.

Whatever you decide to do, be strong for yourself. No matter what happens, your wife will continue to find any way to hurt and manipulate you. Your friends and family have real concern for you...maybe you need to listen.

-Rachael

[Cassandra Lynn]

I'm also struck by the fact that after all this happened your wife suddenly became mrs. sweetheart, makes me wonder about her mental stability. Keep a close eye on your health as mentioned, stress can be a killer. If counseling is not a possibilty then, i too think dealing with the situation would be better for all, if you are not living there. Prayers and wishes, mj

[tinalynn]

Ask some police officers about how many abusers actually change their way and stop abusing. Ask some family court judges. I bet you won't hear that ANY abuser changes their personality. None. It only gets worse. You need to get out and stay out. File for divorce claiming mental and physical abuse, its already documented. The kids will figure it out if you're honest with them and speak only truth - without trying to lean them towards one side. As of now, without talking to your daughter, she's only getting one side. And its not a good story. But if you're truthful she'll figure it all out on her own.

Get out of the marriage.

[karen68]

Hi Geneva I don't pretend to know the circumstances or about married life (being single) but if it is true about these sort of things you read and hear of, then it will not get any better and just get worse, so get out now while you can, not saying she would but kitchen knives are around, and could be used, if so then you will be in an even worse situation. I know you must have loved your wife, and probably still do, but it is obvious from what you have said it is almost impossible to live a normal life. I know it will be difficult because of the children. Anyways thats just my:2c: I wish you well, it seems you have some support in your family, so that should help.:hugs:

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

As many others have said, abusers don't reform. It just doesn't happen.

I'm not sure whether your circumstances would allow it, but it is your wife who should be removed from your family, not you. Your children need a stable parent, not an abusive one. The abuse that you are receiving will likely be transferred to your children if you're not there.

Those "white lies" that you mention not only need to stop but you need to go to the police and accurately record the truth of what has happened to date. It might be possible to get an AVO (Aggravated Violence Order - I think the terminology is the same in NZ as Australia) against her, which bars her from coming within a specified distance of you or your house. You need that.

[thechic]

Hi there

thanks to everybody comments
Were going to try and work it out ,i went to see a a support person and she suggests several things ,she just does not like my kids and me being in such a volatile relationship,and said it been going on to long but to try things she suggests we seek counseling which i have made an appointment.
The wife must attend an anger management course so heres hoping for the best as i still love her, and she good at the moment.
so thanks to all.

[Bernie_GG]

Take it from someone who has been there. No One deserves to be abused in any shape or form. Leave now before it gets worse. You can work on getting visitation for the kids. Right now you need to take care of you and your welfare.

[sherri52]

Based on the way you tell the story even the police are more concerned for your safety than you are. It is time to leave the relationship. I would still have the talk with your daughter. Right now your wife has her brainwashed on her side. Come clean to your daughter, she could surprise you and have some understanding of the situation and at least become a neutral party and not choose sides.

[Angie G]

You can't keep on like this Geneva. Look into some outside help. see if you can find profesional help. You really need to do this hun.:hugs:
Angie

[MJ]

you call that love ???? . you know this will never get better and you should report everything to the police for your sake.

when you break up and you will ( I'm ex police officer )you know she will use the cding against you in a court of law thats a given..

find an apartment and get out of there. and if she so much as put's a finger on you report it.

abusers don't reform in fact she know you don't have the guts to report her she thinks she can beat the crap out of you and you won't tell on her ..
because you love her, and i know I'm right.

open a new bank account for just you !!!! find somewhere else to live. get a lawyer tell him the whole truth because she will hit you with everything she's got ..

GET OUT NOW you need to take care of you and your well being

[Ediosa]

The only advice that I can give you is to tell. Tell your family, tell your best friends and then tell everyone else. You really don't have to tell your work. Tell them your a crossdresser. Simply, straight and to the fact. Tell them that's why you were staying in your bad relationship for the way you were scared for their reaction. You nails are done up, your act feminine as stated. Most will probably say that it's no big deal, or they already assumed it.

Tell, tell, and tell. This will destroy the power she has over you. I know cause I did it.

[Maria in heels]

Hi there

thanks to everybody comments
Were going to try and work it out ,i went to see a a support person and she suggests several things ,she just does not like my kids and me being in such a volatile relationship,and said it been going on to long but to try things she suggests we seek counseling which i have made an appointment.
The wife must attend an anger management course so heres hoping for the best as i still love her, and she good at the moment.
so thanks to all.

Geneva...I read everyones comment and I see your last post..."she is good at the moment"...that is the most telling statement. You should step back and away for a bit, speak with your children, and if necessary, take your children and leave. You can speak with your daughter, but first and most importantly, you must take care of yourself and your family. I too went thru a very abusive relationship with my chidlren's mother, to the point where she was arrested for domestic violence here in New York, and then protection orders for me thru the court systems.

I do feel for you, and if this is not the "first" time that she has been bad and then good, you should definately go speak to a professional, to get the true information, and / or get help from local grouops for battered spouses.

I hope that everything works out for you...

[lavistaa62]

You have such good friends in your local area and of course we are all here for you. It's terrible you are having to deal with this abuse and I hope it's not eventually directed at your daughter as well. I really, really hope you are able to extract yourself from this situation before you anyone is hurt.

[jenifer m.]

wow! that really sucks my heart gos out to you.sounds like you were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time,and got dragged into a pile of shit.i really hope things turn around for you.keep your head up girl.

[sterling12]

Everyone has said about the Same Thing. Your in an abusive relationship, and your in trouble!

But, knowing human nature it's quite likely that you will stick around and "try to make things better." After all, you are now in a "Honeymoon Phase" with your spouse and she's making "nicey-nice!" You have probably been down this road before and what you choose to do is your business. But, I think I write for just about everyone....please make us a promise that Next Time, at the first sign of trouble, you will vamoose, scram, begone; and take yourself out of there!

Please make some arrangement with your Sister, that you will be out of The House, and waiting for her down The Block. Your less likely to be attacked on a Public Street with Witnesses, and it gives you a chance to avoid some real complications.

Situations like this one seldom get better! Your chances of winning at Power Ball are just about The Same Odds. Do not let this get into a Cycle of Abuse!

Peace and Love, Joanie