Do we "need" to be outed?

[kimdl93]

Many of the threads on this site describe "outings" or near outings, almost getting caught, being read by an acquaintance, stranger or a Sales Associate, etc.

It made me wonder a bit about my own motivations. I'm "out" to my SO, and dress pretty much full time at home, but closeted to most other friends, family and the workplace. But, I do, quite deliberately, underdress and wear some makeup in public whenever possible.

This makes me wonder if my motivation is simple thrill seeking, or perhaps I'm deliberately giving hints out of a desire to out oneself to more people, and looking for broader acceptance from them?

Have any of you considered this possibility?

[Sarah Doepner]

Interesting question. I think you will find our motivations are as unique as each one of us. I don't relish the trama associated with being "outted", it can be messy, embarrassing, complicated and have far-reaching consequences, some of them totally unintended. On the other hand I would love to be more at ease in the company of friends and family, being able to dress how I felt at the time. My bride and other crossdressers have seen me in both male and female presentation, but it would be satisfying to not have to plan ahead, change plans at the last minute, deny my feminine longings or hide and change on the spur of the moment because I don't feel comfortable sharing this with whoever we will be seeing shortly.

I don't want to be outted, but I need to work on coming out.

[Lorileah]

This makes me wonder if my motivation is simple thrill seeking, or perhaps I'm deliberately giving hints out of a desire to out oneself to more people, and looking for broader acceptance from them?

Have any of you considered this possibility?

do you get a thrill doing that? If so, then that is probably the reason. If you do it just because you like it then not. At my age the adrenaline rush is long gone but the feeling you get when you get a compliment lasts forever, so I guess I'll vote acceptance

[charlytuna]

I been wondering the same when I go underdress my wife ask me that also. I'm only out to her deep in the closet to everyone else

[MJ]

interesting point if we all get out in the real world then cding would get more accepted by the main stream. we all want that but are scared to do it.. :straightface:

[Kimmy55]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.

[sherri52]

I'm out to a number of people. To those I'm not out, I keep doing things to make them think of it even more. I maje it a point when talking to gg friends that don't know to show them my pink tinted nail polish. Mayb I just point out that I wear womens jeans all the time. I think it is just a way to eventually let everyone know so that it won't be a secret anymore.

[kimdl93]

Hi again! I know we're all unique in some way, but perhaps not surprisingly, several of you touched on something that I've observed in myself, especially around GGs. Minor hints, like when one of my co-worker's teasingly suggested that my complexion was "summer". I went right along with it...commenting oh how I probably looked best in pastels. I couldn't bring myself right out to say it...I suspect I was hoping she might guess!

[Susie Mae]

The potential threat of being outed is a big part of my excitement. If I were out all the time, I could never have the thrill. As it is, my wife can always use the threat as part of my training, "Have the floors and the ironing done when I come back, or I will make you walk to the store in your frillies."

[Katesback]

Perhaps we are all just like the question from yesterday. Deviants! LOL

One of these days I am going to crossdress as a boy and see how much fun I can have with that one. Come to think of it some days I am rather butch and other days femmy. HMMMMM.

[mklinden2010]

Kim,

Honestly, I have never considered that possibility for you. In fact, I don't think I've even heard of you before. At any rate, you'd know better than we would.

As for myself, sure, there used to be a bit of a thrill doing "things" that I could get caught at... And, there's always that satisfaction of "getting away with it" when you get home.

I've kind of forgotten about all that, however, as between planned and unplanned "outings" the general reaction is a smile and a shurg.

What they say about confidence is true. Once you set the tone, other people fall into line.

That goes, by the way, for "running like a rabbit" when discovered - people will chase you to see what you're running away from... And make fun of you for that.

But, staying in place (if "properly" dressed otherwise) and saying, "Oh, hi there!" a few times... Most the thrill goes away after that.

Oh, well... There's always base jumping, skipping your income taxes, and, slapping bears.

[kimdl93]

.....As for myself, sure, there used to be a bit of a thrill doing "things" that I could get caught at... And, there's always that satisfaction of "getting away with it" when you get home....


The thrill element may still be there - a little, but I suspect deeper down, at least for me, there's a desire (certainly not latent) to be found out and perhaps in some cases "accepted".

That being said, I'm not sure its a wise or healthy approach to getting people to know or accept one as a CD.

[Lorileah]

Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit? What if no one cared? Would you stop wearing skirts? What would be your next thrill? Playing tag with a rattlesnake? Running for public office (you have plenty of background now hiding things from the public and hoping you don't get caught)

There are thousands and thousands of adrenaline junkies out there. Why did you choose to crossdress? It would have been more socially acceptable to buy a top fuel dragster or BASE jumping.

The point I am trying to make is that there is probably something deeper down inside you that led you here. Now say you are "outted" as you say, will that stop you? The next "outting" won't be as potent so you will have to do more. Do you run naked now in your neighborhood? Freud believed that there was an inner reason for what everyone does. That reason is usually pleasure so if the thrill is gone...do you move on?

I don't know your age group but what you are thinking has probably run though almost every mind here. Yet look at the people who are here and posting on a regular basis. If they were outted or not most of them now are seeing crossdressing as a part of them, not a thrill (although I am sure there is a special feeling that most get when they dress).

So to really answer your question about are you looking to get caught, you will have to answer "if I do will it change anything?"

Oh by the way, tomorrow isn't that far off. In many places no one really cares what you wear.

[kimdl93]

Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit?

I would like to very politely suggest that you may have misunderstood the point of my question. While I acknowledge there is a thrill seeking element to going out underdress/partially etc, the real point is to ask is whether many of us might actually hope to be "read" outed or however one may want to put it, preferably by someone sympathetic.

[Lorileah]

Didn't see anything about sympathy (and I don't think we really want sympathy) but you said acceptance. They are different. And you asked if it was simple "thrill seeking" which would infer that it isn't sympathy you were looking for. Unless it was "poor you dressed like that". Quite simply if you want to be read, it is easy. Be read. Go out, be yourself, have self confidence (which will get respect more than sympathy). Sneaking around and acting fearful leads more to the "thrill" part. Maybe you meant we are narcissistic? We want to be noticed? Then in that case I will agree. If I put the time and effort into doing my make up and hair, putting on a nice outfit, then yes I want to be noticed. I get ignored on a daily basis.


You are correct, I am misreading what you are asking. Are you asking that we are hoping for pity? Or are you hoping someone points and stares? I guess I still don't understand what you are looking for

[mklinden2010]

Oh, well, if you're looking for a particular kind of reaction, it seems the only sure thing in going about life, "taking chances" is that it's Y-O-U you hope to find sympathetic after you get found out.

In other words, you're making yourself "out" yourself because you think you'll be happier when you "just get it over with."

I'd buy that as a motivator as I think a lot of people do exactly that.. Put themselves in a position they can't get out of so they have to get on with it.

Base jumping is like that...

"Wow! You got guts!"

"I knoooooooooooooooooooow!"




I would like to very politely suggest that you may have misunderstood the point of my question. While I acknowledge there is a thrill seeking element to going out underdress/partially etc, the real point is to ask is whether many of us might actually hope to be "read" outed or however one may want to put it, preferably by someone sympathetic.

[kimdl93]

You are correct, I am misreading what you are asking. Are you asking that we are hoping for pity? Or are you hoping someone points and stares? I guess I still don't understand what you are looking for

I was looking to stimulate a discussion, and appear to have achieved that. But more specifically, beyond the thrill point that you emphasized - my question was "do some (not say all, not even a majority or significant minority) of us have some hidden desire to be caught, outed, read or whatever..."

While I don't equate the term sympathetic with a need for sympathy nor pity, i'd rather not engage in a semantic debate... Let's say some might be looking for a positive reaction...something other than hostility or derision.

I think its a fair question.

[Lorileah]

"do some (not say all, not even a majority or significant minority) of us have some hidden desire to be caught, outed, read or whatever..."

Of course there are people who want that


Let's say some might be looking for a positive reaction...something other than hostility or derision.

I think its a fair question.

And you do this how? Wearing panties (OMG sorry...it had to be said) under your clothing won't get much chance of having someone say "gee that's nice" unless your pants fall down or you end up somehow in the ER. You won't get a positive reaction playing coy. How many times do GG's do that and usually with bad results. Walking around flipping your skirt and twirling in hopes that someone will say how nice you look isn't the way to try and get attention. Funny, in all the years I have been out dressed I have never received negative attention. I didn't hide what I was doing. The reactions I got were almost always positive with a few ambivalent ones thrown in. The only negative reaction I have had was from my MIL who said I was the ugliest woman in the world. So over all I think if you are looking for someone to "accept" you then just do it. There are pictures posted somewhere on this forum of me in a local park. It was to be a simple photo shoot. Soon there were about 20 plus people following us around as we did the shoot. All were very positive.

So you see, if you want people to be "sympathetic" to what yo do and who you are, then you have to let them have the chance. Underdressing isn't going to do it unless you are in a gym. I still don't think we are on the same page here. I still feel that you are thinking that somehow all this is wrong. That you somehow are wrong for doing what you do. Like sneaking cookies. MKL above may be more on point to what you are asking than I am.

[Joanne f]

Is it thrill seeking or is it a comfort level, if it is thrill seeking then i would have thought that you would go out dressed in some way , yes you maybe hinting to friends and others that there is another side to you but it is within a comfort level , if they started asking questions would you be prepared to answer them honestly .

[SuzanneBender]

do you get a thrill doing that? If so, then that is probably the reason. If you do it just because you like it then not. At my age the adrenaline rush is long gone but the feeling you get when you get a compliment lasts forever, so I guess I'll vote acceptance

For some it is a adrendaline filled thrill ride of a rush. The first few times. Then you realize the world really doesn't care. Lori is right its about acceptance. Sara J describes it as the "moment of being" and I agree. The true thrill isn't about getting caught or being outed. The thrill comes from being just another person in the world.


Tomorrow came along and there was no stigma as you see it to wearing clothing from the opposite gender, would you quit? What if no one cared? Would you stop wearing skirts? What would be your next thrill? ..... It would have been more socially acceptable to buy a top fuel dragster or BASE jumping.
Oh by the way, tomorrow isn't that far off. In many places no one really cares what you wear.

Tomorrow is here baby. I have been on a plane, sat on a beach, shopping, makeovers, meals, gas stations, grocery stores, movies and moved among middle America for some time as Suzanne. I am read all the time, but it doesn't make a bit of difference. Today you are just another human being in the mix. We still have a long way to go, but Houston we have lift off. The shuttle Feminity has departed the gravitational pull and it en route to the Age of Transgenderism.

I think you have something with this thrill seeking idea. Maybe I will start a tour business that helps clients cross dress and then throw them out of a plane or send then down the river on a white water raft. Want in? I am looking for investors. I think I will call it Primp and Dive or Too Cute to Die or Scared Beautiful.

Kim, I think there are those that do desire to get caught. They want to be out, but they just can't bring themselves to face the consequences, which are never as bad as imagined. If you are "outed" you will never have any regrets about coming out. Its kind of like your first jump in Airborne School. If the jumpmaster kicks you in the tushy to push you out of the plane and your chute doesn't open you don't have to feel bad because it was his fault you jumped.

[kimdl93]

I still feel that you are thinking that somehow all this is wrong. That you somehow are wrong for doing what you do. Like sneaking cookies. MKL above may be more on point to what you are asking than I am.

honestly, Lorileah, we're talking past each other at this point. I would count myself among those who for a variety of reasons can't or won't go out entirely en femme - and frankly envy those, such as yourself - who have been able to do so.

And I suspect I'm not alone in suspecting that maybe sometimes I want to be "caught"...

[Kaz]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.

This at one level is so simple...

Yes.. we want to be able to be who we are and be accepted...

Then it gets more complicated...

Because we actually want more than that...

Some of us have worked this out and choose to stay in the closet... that is a safe (but not an easy) option..

Why do I so want to "pass" rather being "accepted"..?

Getting "caught" is passive "outing"...

Kaz xx

[docrobbysherry]

After reflecting, I think I rate being "OUTED" with:

Getting financial wiped out.
Loosing my sight.
Or, the death of one of my children!
:doh:

[IamSara]

I think ( In my case anyway ) that there is a deep rooted desire to come out/get caught or whatever else you may wanna call it in order to feel completely comfortable.
That is how I feel about it also. Just not sure how I would handle it.
Sarah :rose2:

[Greymancd]

I dressed up fully once and drove to payless and shopped a bit and then left. I did not talk to anyone but the thrill was super. I do like the thrill but I really do not want to be outed here at home though because of work (way to macho me even hahaha). I would love to go to another city and go out with another cd or two

[tamarav]

I have been at this for a long time, and during that time I have spoken to, taught classes for, and individually worked with literally thousands of other CDs. (In person, dressed, not online personages) Those that I met openly were already past the inital rush and were simply enjoying the feeling of looking like and feeling like a woman. (Or int he cases of the FtM clients, looking like and feeling like a man)

I am pretty amused at how closeted CDs want someone, anyone to share their love of the feminine to the point that they toss out little statements in the hopes that people will immediately realize that they are a CD. Most people really don't care, are too into themselves to care about you, or just don't even know what a CD outside of the entertainment industry really looks like.

In my business (a crossdressed hairstylist) I see so many people that hide behind the most simple things. They believe these simple things (panties under their clothes, wearing a bra with no forms, and so on) will "out" them and they will simply have to confess their most held secret. In fact, they never wait for someone to make assumptions, they blurt it out within the first 15 seconds.(this is porbably because a CD is working with them, I realize that)

Simply be yourself, have fun and don't spend so much time worrying about what others think. It really is over-rated, they don't really care as much about you as you might think. I stand in the public eye virtually everyday and meet total strangers that have never met a CD in their life and are now having their hair cut by one. They feel that they are the ones that now have a cool story to relate, since their own lives hold their own secrets.

Have fun for goodness sakes, don't worry what others think. Just be good at what you do and the public will appreciate it.

[dawnmarrie1961]

"Better out than in" I always say.:devil:

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Heidi_slave]

Excellent question!I have wondered the same thing.

Why do I feel so excited when I underdress? I inhabit the world of "normal" people, but do so with a secret that only I know.

What motivation caused me, on occassion, to step out of my car in a public parking lot while underdressed but wearing stockings and heels in plain view.

Why was it so incredibly erotic to underdress in front of my ex-wife?

I think that being caught relinquishes a certain amount of our control over the situation. I think, in my own highly submissive case, that this is a very exciting prospect; one that I would love to experience but can't orchestrate.

Heidi

[NicoleScott]

It has always been important for my crossdressing to be a private/secret/personal/nobody's business matter. My wife knows and accepts, but my famiily and workplace cannot (I'd be fired). Anyway..
I like to dress and makeup completely, and in the over-the-top style I prefer. I don't underdress or partially dress. I stay in more than go out, but I have gone out a lot.
When I started going out, I liked to stay on the fringes and in the shadows. I wanted to be seen, but not cornered. I wanted the attention, and got it often, even if at a comfortable distance. I pretended to talk on a payphone in a short skirt and high heels and heavy makeup, and got honked and whistled at. I window shopped, wanting to be seen, but not wanting to get too close. And I didn't mind being seen as a crossdresser, maybe even wanting to be seen as one, and wanting to be seen as a good (sexy, pretty) one. I've been into stores, shops, and a mall, on sidewalks, driving around, at drive-in windows, wanting to be seen, but always in control of my escape if needed.
Going out was good, but I wanted to go IN. So I finally got enough nerve to go to a tg-friendly club in Daytona. Great experience, had a blast. But I never intended to pass as a female. I wore my over-the-top makeup, clothes, and high heels, deep red lipstick and long fake nails painted to match, long eyelashes, and glittery jewelry. From my first step in the door, it was obvious that I was a CD, but that's what I wanted. But I never feared a bad confrontation I feared in the "general public", and nothing bad happened.
So I guess I wanted to get caught, without really getting caught. Make sense to anyone?

[Regina]

I do not wish to be caught, by family or friends...no one knows about me but those who are on the forum here.

I go out because that's what I feel compelled to do, I get a thrill out of accomplishing the goals that I have set for Regina. When I am out now I am content..but then again I haven't been exposed yet in a store...and if I was I don't think now my path would change, if I couldn't go out I would be one miserable girl!. My goal is to blend in with everyday people to live as Regina fulltime.

This will be tough because being fulltime at work is out of the question, the cirlce of family and friends is small and scattered around. My marriage will end in 2-3 years and that takes the wife out of picture. When retirement comes, I won't be living in Ohio!...going some place where there is no snow!

Regina