Dilemma: tell or not tell

[kaleyg]

I'm involved with a charity/benefit event coming up and one part of the event is a mock beauty pageant where the guys are in drag. I've been asked to be a contestant, and I plan to do it, but here's the dilemma: (background: my wife knows I have CDed in the past, and was very distressed by this but thinks it is in the past.) If I tell my wife about it she might say "great! let's find a dress for you" -- then I'll be in 7th heaven! But she might say, "No way! You're not dressing up in drag!" On the other hand, if I don't tell her about the pageant (she may not even be coming to the event with me), then I can go all out and have fun, but without her. I'd say there's about a 5% chance of her hearing about the pageant apart from me. d
So, do I tell her, and risk the whole thing for the sake of getting to formal-dress-shop with my wife, or do I go into stealth mode? Am I crazy to even consider telling her?

[alexis GG]

I would say tell her, after all the event is for a charity/event night, which is to benefit others not yourself... Even though you wanna dress :D

[Sarah_GG]

You know the answer really... don't you?!

Tell her. You may not get overnight acceptance/approval but it's a move towards being who you really are. There's a way to tell her. There's a way to involve her in the decision-making process without giving her total control over your decision.

Perhaps your wife would benefit from a little guidance (ie towards this site) where she could educate herself and broaden her horizons. After all, crossdressing isn't just something you did "in the past". Crossdressing is always going to be with you and it's always going to be with her - either in secret or out in the open. Either furtively or with a bit of fun attached.

Good luck!

:love:

You did ask!

[Joanne f]

Normally i would say go on and do it as it would be a bit of fun but (always that but) seeing that your wife got very stressed about your dressing in this case i think it would be best to ask her opinion first .

[Genifer Teal]

You can not go with out telling her. The repercussions would be far worse if she ever found out. Besides, how would it make you feel to hide it from her?

Gen

[Emma Leigh]

I am with Joanne and Genifer on this one, if you went and didnt tell her, and she did find out? :doh:

[Cassandra Lynn]

If you tell her, chances are she will say no way, your not dressing again. But as genifer points out your taking a chance of causing more trouble if you get caught. Tough call. As for telling and trying to educate....don't ever see that happening, when a woman says no to CDing she's not ever going to get educated. mj

[Stephanie Miller]

5% you say. Hum...
Why would you risk 1%? If you're honest and she turns out to be non accepting - so what? Missing out on one night of dressing doesn't seem to me to be too much of a sacrafice. Maybe that night you could focus on the true reason for the event ..... unless you're making the true reason for the charity/benefit YOUR benefit.
You asked, so I'll voice my opinion. Go to the benefit for the true reason of the benefit. When its over then you should start working on your marriage communication. This issue shouldn't have been swept under the rug years ago, (probably not the only one that has been). Who knows, maybe by the next benefit she'll accepting enough then.

[Susancd]

I agree with everyone else, telling her is the only real option.

[krissy]

:hugs: hi

i would tell cant hurt :hugs:
be honest its the best thing to do

[VikkiVixen7188]

If ya cant be honest with your spouse who can you be honest with?

[DonniDarkness]

Dont be Dishonest, to her. Ask her-Tell her- Demand it, what ever you choose just be honest. it will hurt if she finds out you have been untruthful

[Veronica Nowakowski]

You're in a comfort spot with your relationship, so you want to lie and get out of it. But don't. Tell her, see how it goes, and move on from there. Maybe she'll accept it, maybe she won't. But if you do it, it's better in open defiance than behind her back. There may be a price to pay, but that comes down more to whether you go or not rather than whether you tell her or not.

[Stephenie S]

There is no question here. Tell her.

I am appalled that you are even asking us.

Stephie

[Mandy]

Hi kaley

I agree with Alexis, its for Charity please tell your wife, I'm sure she will understand & support you :)

[JustWendy]

I'm with the majority here. Don't add another lie to your life. They'll ultimately do more damage to your marriage than the crossdressing ever could. Your wife may, in fact, not want you to participate. She may feel you'll look too good and that it'll be obvious to people that it's not your first time in a dress. You may not be ready to talk to your wife about this, but don't do it behind her back. Go and support the charity in other ways and feel good about yourself at the end of the evening.

Wendy

[LeslieSD]

Be nice to her and buy her some nice dinner or flower. Then casually mention that to her, and tell her how much you want to do this. There is still a good chance she would not want you to do this. Then don't do it for this event, but instead invite her to go with you (with you in male mode) and have a good time. I am pretty sure some days later she will show you an opportunity for you to dress in a situation she would be comfortable with. Because you have shown her that you care about her and how she feels.

[Sheila]

if she does discover after the event, and knowing your past (and present that she doesn't know about :sad:), do you honestly think that she would not be hurt and angry?

As it is for a benefit night, even knowing that you have dressed in the past, I would probably think the chances of you getting her agreement would be fairly high, but I would advise that after that night you do tell her about your fem side and as Sarah suggested direct her to this site and let her know we have a GG only forum where she can come and talk to other GG's, from those who struggle to those who are completely accepting and many shades inbetween

[Cassandra Lynn]

I know my opinion on this topic is not the popular one but i will say it again. First i think everyone should go and read the thread "happiness at what price", and really think about what the price of honesty is. I have since coming on here, heard from those who have told thier wives and went thru much heartache and pain only to be told to never do it in thier sight, and i have to ask was it worth it? A very little bit. I was gunned down by both my ex wives and it was definitely not worth it to me. And yes there are some here who have been met with love, kindness and support, if not out right acceptance. Miracles do happen. But as kaley pointed out, his wife knew and was not for it at all, so trying to tell her in hopes that she will change her mind is foolish IMHO. Tell her and not plan on dressing, yes, that is perfectly alright, and i'm not suggesting out right liying.
So i'm very sorry but my circumstances have left me unwilling to put on the ol' rose colored glasses. :straightface: mj

[ReineD]

MjSerene, you talk about happiness at what price, referring to the cost of losing a SO. But what about the cost of losing yourself should you continue to lie? Eventually the guilt and shame will take its toll.

I do not want to dismiss the pain you've suffered over having ended your marriage, but in your case was it truly all or nothing (full spousal acceptance vs. no CDing at all), or might there have been room for some compromise. Telling a wife even if she does not want to be involved is a lot better than lying to her.

Kaleyg, do you believe there is a chance your SO would leave you if you tell her you plan on taking part in the pageant, and although she is invited to participate, you do understand if she does not want to be involved?

[cdsara88]

i'm going to try not to have a silly macro/philosophical perspective on this. if your wife was distressed by your CDing in the past, then if you bring this up now, she's going to be equally distressed by it now. is she going to think it's just an opportunity for you to exploit this urge you have?

I'm going to stray off the beaten path a little here and say you should either a) decide not to participate (because of the 5% risk you cite) or b) tell her the circumstances and ASK her if she thinks you should participate. be prepared for her to say no.

idk, i guess i just see dressing in private as being personal, whereas dressing up and going to some event and not telling your wife is hiding the truth/lying.

but i'm not married, so my opinion is only worth 1 cent instead of 2.

[Andrea86]

i say tell her too, you two are married and you have to be honest with each other you cannot lie to her imagine what would happen if she finds out in the hard way you can always put the pros and the cons on the table.good luck! kissees!

[Leslie Langford]

I'm involved with a charity/benefit event coming up and one part of the event is a mock beauty pageant where the guys are in drag. I've been asked to be a contestant, and I plan to do it, but here's the dilemma: (background: my wife knows I have CDed in the past, and was very distressed by this but thinks it is in the past.) If I tell my wife about it she might say "great! let's find a dress for you" -- then I'll be in 7th heaven! But she might say, "No way! You're not dressing up in drag!" On the other hand, if I don't tell her about the pageant (she may not even be coming to the event with me), then I can go all out and have fun, but without her. I'd say there's about a 5% chance of her hearing about the pageant apart from me. d
So, do I tell her, and risk the whole thing for the sake of getting to formal-dress-shop with my wife, or do I go into stealth mode? Am I crazy to even consider telling her?

...is not to be too "good" in your femme presentation if and when you do get to participate in this charity event. Inevitably, the other guys there will play it up for laughs and deliberately try to act klutzy as a defense mechanism in response to their inherent macho and homophobic insecurities. If you upstage them by doing too good of a job of impersonating a woman, you will certainly raise eyebrows and get tongues wagging with the speculation that you have done this before and seem to enjoy it far too much - in other words, that you are a bonafide crossdresser. This may also be at the root of your wife's potential concerns and disapproval of your participation in this event.

Dial it down a couple of notches for both of your sakes if you end up joining in and don't try to outshine the other contestants, lest you "out" yourself without meaning to. That is, of course, unless doing so as is what actually appeals to you about the whole notion of participating in this event and you see this as an opportunity to "come out" publicly as a crossdresser.

[Cassandra Lynn]

[QUOTE=ReineD;2077531]MjSerene, you talk about happiness at what price, referring to the cost of losing a SO. But what about the cost of losing yourself should you continue to lie? Eventually the guilt and shame will take its toll.

As opposed to the guilt and shame a CD feels, who has admitted to it and been told to never do it when she is around? I hardly call that a good trade, and see little benefit.


I do not want to dismiss the pain you've suffered over having ended your marriage
Are you implying that i ended the marriage?

, but in your case was it truly all or nothing (full spousal acceptance vs. no CDing at all), or might there have been room for some compromise. No, there was no compromise, it was me and no more CDing or the highway. I of course loved her and tried to quit....enough said!


Telling a wife even if she does not want to be involved is a lot better than lying to her.
Telling a wife may mean she does not want to be married, let alone involved.
Yeah there are the rare and wonderful exceptions, God bless all you GGs who accept it for what it is.

Kaleyg, do you believe there is a chance your SO would leave you if you tell her you plan on taking part in the pageant, and although she is invited to participate, you do understand if she does not want to be involved?
Truly sorry kaleyg, not trying to hijack your thread. But, i get tired of seeing this "the truth will set you free" business. It will get you free from being married is the possible truth. :2c: mj

[kaleyg]

I think I've learned a few things tonight. I'm glad I asked you all for advice. I will bring it up to her and see waht she says. If she says yes, I think it would be best to "dial it down a few notches." I've already had a salon volunteer to do my hair/makeup/nails for free, since its charity. But I'm pretty sure now that that would be going too far.

The point someone made about doing the charity event for the right reasons really hit home! Ouch! I feel so selfish.

I'll let you know how it turns out. I'm about 80% sure she'll not want me to do it.

Thanks again everyone.

[ReineD]

MJ, I am not implying you ended the marriage. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I'm also very sorry for what you went through. I can't imagine the pain of losing a partner just because of the CDing. :sad:

But you are fairly new here, and while there are many horror stories, there are lots of happy ones too. I'll look for it, but there is a multi-page thread where many of the respondents said their wives knew about the CDing and they are still happily married.

Many of the CDs here are single, so they cannot relate to CDing within a marriage.

Because CDing is not at all well understood in our society and there is still much bias against it, it does seem to take center stage over other marital issues. But, if both partners have a good foundation ... if they respect one another, if they know how to communicate their needs and take their partners' needs into account, and they know how to compromise (by that I don't mean selling out), and if there has not been any major trust abuse, the marriages can thrive.

I also have a failed long-term marriage, and CDing was not even involved. We just didn't face other issues in the marriage until the main one came along to break it apart and by then there was so much hurt built up that nothing was salvageable.

I sincerely hope that one day you will find an accepting partner and there will be no need for you to hide.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

b) tell her the circumstances and ASK her if she thinks you should participate. be prepared for her to say no.
That would be my chosen option.


Truly sorry kaleyg, not trying to hijack your thread. But, i get tired of seeing this "the truth will set you free" business. It will get you free from being married is the possible truth.
Speaking of getting tired of things, I get tired of seeing such negativity expressed with monotonous regularity. Yes, your relationship failed, apparently in part because you weren't upfront about your CDing, and when it did come out your wife couldn't accept it. That is why the best time to tell is early in a relationship when, if the partner is not accepting, you haven't invested as much in the relationship. Hopefully you have now learnt your lesson and can move on and can stop hijacking threads to complain about the consequences of your mistake.

[ReineD]

Here's the marriage thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=113136) I mentioned earlier. It is a few months old, but you will see evidence as you read through the forum that there are many CDs whose wives experience varying degrees of acceptance. The point is that the wives know about the CDing and they are not seeking divorces.

As to hijacking the thread, it is still very much on topic since I am sure the OP can benefit from reading both the positive and the negative experiences.

[Joanne f]

I think that there is one worthwhile thing to point out and that is you say it`s a Drag contest for charity in which case you could point out that it will not be looked upon as cross dressing by the spectators but just fun for raising some money and you feel like it is a good way for you to help, as there will no doubt be many who are non CDs there should be no stigma attached to it .

[tinalynn]

She probably won't want you to, but if she says 'okay' do not expect her to want to be involved. I doubt she'll go shopping with you or attend the event. But she may also go along with the salon goodies. In short, don't count out anything until she says yes or no. But also don't let your expectations go to high re: her involvement. My guess is that she won't want anything to do with it...

If she says no just understand the decision for her. You can be disappointed, but you can't be mad or judgmental (its not worth it). Let her know you plan on having a good time anyway and hope she comes along.

[Angie G]

you should tell her. If not it could turn really bad.:hugs:
Angie

[Patty]

you should tell her. If not it could turn really bad.:hugs:
Angie

:iagree:

[Jamie48]

I think you are asking for it. Tell her & get this out in the open.

[sherri52]

I would tell her. Let her know that you have been asked to participate and take your chances. If she says no call the person that requested it while she is still in the room with you. At least she would hear that it wasn't your idea. She may do as you hope and go dress shopping. It is for charity.

[Cassandra Lynn]

That is why the best time to tell is early in a relationship when, if the partner is not accepting, you haven't invested as much in the relationship. Hopefully you have now learnt your lesson and can move on and can stop hijacking threads to complain about the consequences of your mistake.

I agree totally that early in the relationship is the best time to tell. I have indeed learned my lesson. My intention is not to complain what ultimately happened to me. It is to point out the possibilities when one chooses to do this. There are no doubt many here living that lie and if they choose to listen to those of you that continue to push for admittance, and end up in the worst case scenario then how would you feel? I just think it is wrong for some to advise to others on how to live thier personal lives. The consequences can be to extreme. But don't misunderstand, lying is a truly awful thing to do, trust me on that, you only know a part of my story. mj


Here's the marriage thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=113136) I mentioned earlier. It is a few months old, but you will see evidence as you read through the forum that there are many CDs whose wives experience varying degrees of acceptance. The point is that the wives know about the CDing and they are not seeking divorces.

As to hijacking the thread, it is still very much on topic since I am sure the OP can benefit from reading both the positive and the negative experiences.

Thank you Reine i appreciate it and i'll read thru later when i have more time, and i'm glad you saw that what i was saying was in keeping with the OP. mj

[kaleyg]

So, I emailed her (we sometimes email each other when I'm at work) and explained about the 'pageant'. Her reply . . . two words: "absolutely not"

Not shocked. She's feeling really sick today, so it may have been a bad day to ask. But, who knows, maybe she'll reconsider. My guess is that she's afraid what people will think when they see me.

So, now I'm moving on. Now I can participate in the charity event for all the right reasons.

[JustWendy]

So, now I'm moving on. Now I can participate in the charity event for all the right reasons.

Not the answer you were hoping for, but I'm proud of you for deciding to tell your wife and for moving on and focusing on the charity.

Hugs, Wendy

[ReineD]

Kaley, I'm sorry she wouldn't go for it. :sad:

I don't know your situation, if the CDing is important to you or not, but even though this opportunity fell through I would consider telling your wife about it eventually, whenever you feel the time might be right. An email might not be the best way, since it will be easier for her to perhaps get a sense from your facial expression and tone of voice that this is more than a whim.

Good luck!

[Cassandra Lynn]

Not shocked. She's feeling really sick today, so it may have been a bad day to ask. But, who knows, maybe she'll reconsider. My guess is that she's afraid what people will think when they see me.

So, now I'm moving on. Now I can participate in the charity event for all the right reasons.

Bless you for your courage and conviction in asking her, and move froward with your chin held high. :thumbsup: mj :thumbsup:

[Sarah_GG]

Kaley... I'm sorry too. At least you were up front about it (albeit via an email). I hope you can discuss it again.

:hugs:

[Ruth]

I'm glad you asked and I think you got the right result, though maybe it wasn't what you were hoping for.
Thinking about what others said about the event, and your closeted situation as regards your wife, you would have probably needed to play it for laughs so as not to be generally suspected of being a 'career crossdresser', and as serious CDers we really don't need that sort of exposure.
I don't think I'm a figure of fun when I CD, and I hope you don't either, so why should you subject yourself to that, even for charity?

[Rachel2000]

Most definitely tell her. I made the mistake of not telling her and she found out anyway. That was 20 years ago and though she was initially upset, she told me on numerous occasions that she accepted it but did not want to participate. The problem for me was that she accepted it long before I did and that somewhere in my sub-conscience I was upset with her (and myself) for finding out about my "shameful" secret - so much so that it greatly affected our sex life for many years. Only recently have I come accept myself for who I am and no longer on "pins and needles" with her. Please do not make the mistake that so many of us have and get it out there in the open with her - for your own sanity and hers as well.

[AmandaM]

The mistake of many Cd'ers is that they would rather build a life separate from their wife than face the fear of talking to them.

[eluuzion]

Am I crazy to even consider telling her?

Eventually, it always returns to the same question. How do you want to live your life? How much of your life are you willing to conceal and exclude from your relationship with a SO? By definition, the whole concept of a "relationship" (particularly marriage) is based on the abandonment of self serving behavior in favor of a mutual committment to create a union of two separate lives into a bonded unit sharing the life experiences as one.

I have never believed in being "a little bit dead". If you are in for a penny, you are in for a pound. Philosophies, fundamental beliefs and actions that are capable of destroying or reinforcing the survival of a relationship are absolutely impossible to ignore without sacrificing happiness and fulfillment. If they are ignored or concealed, both parties are cheating themselves out of the opportunity to search for what or (someone) that may provide that (elsewhere). (whether it exists for them or not).

I was not bitter about my any of my ex's affairs. I was sad, not mad. They did what they needed to do. After the cards were on the table, I simply wished them well and reminded them that it was "over" with me.(as I had clearly stated would be the consequence of the behavior at the beginning of the relationship). Going "back" was not an option. But being "honest" was still the right thing to do.

We were both now free to find what would make us happy. Obviously our relationship did not provide that. But we should all be honest enough to allow each other the choice to find happiness. I would never deny that to anyone, or believe anyone should deny a partner the same, regardless of the consequences. Deception has no constructive impact on a relationship. (for either party). It is simply a waste of time.


Life is too short.

Just me...