Telling The Family ... A Cunning Plan or Not?

[Lucy.T]

Hi all,

Ok, it's 4:30 am and I've gotta get up at 8am for work. Just couldn't sleep. It's been like this for about a week now and even worse since I went to the transgender meeting on Thursday. Too many thoughts racing through my mind.

I have been thinking about the best way to tell my sister that i've been dressing up for 25 years. Then if that goes well I may also tell my mum. Dad though, is a different matter altogether!

Now they all live together about 3 hours drive from me, and I don't want to simply tell them over the phone or in a letter, I want to be there when I tell them. But I would be too nervous to just sit there and come out with it, I would probably just chicken out. So I have come up with a cunning plan!

Being a bit of a dab hand with websign tools, I have decided to compose a 'Flash' movie. Starting with a little introduction giving a few facts, but without actually saying what it is.
Something like, 5-10% of guys do this, some secretly, some openly, the average age for starting is between 6-12 years old, etc.
You get the idea. (Don't worry about the stats I'm looking into it... Unless you have some decent stats for me that is!)
After that introduction I would then ask if they know what it is yet, they could type it in a box, or click No to get more info. This might be interesting to see if they now know or even knew about this before.

We carry on with a few more teasing facts, until eventually, if they still can't guess, it would just come up on the screen. Right there, plain as day, in all it's glory, 'I'm a crossdresser'. I think that would do the trick :)

I have also been looking for some decent websites with information I could incorporate into the flash movie (they have a PC but no internet access yet), so they can better understand that we are normal people, not something to be afraid of, and I think this one does it pretty well.
http://www.laceyleigh.com/images/Bio.html

Does anyone have any opinions on this idea?
Maybe a flaw in the design, or something I might have missed?
Or is it just plain dumb???

Thanks

~Tammy~

[Julie]

Tammy,

Now I know why I missed you so much! It's great to have you back.

On to your idea. I don't know if you have had the chance to read my recent account (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=921)of coming out so I'll Fed Ex it if I can. My youngest is a son of 18. He's all macho, is into weight training and getting "big". He will be going off to college 8/17.

Anyway I went to a convention for a weekend and came back a new person. I knew I couldn't go back to my old life because I was miserable living that life. So I told myself things would change, and they did!

I started going out on weekends fully dressed with the great lady who helped me come out. I was having so much fun I never wanted it to stop. Then it happened.

"Your son knows."

I guess I did a lousy job raising him to be open-minded. He was pissed, devestated and totally embarassed. He told four of his closest friends before he even saw me. When I finally found him at home (he was leaving before I got home from work) I asked him how he was. He didn't want to talk. That was over a month ago. He still sees me as a major problem in his life. Add to that the realization my wife is not at all into this and I now find myself being torn apart.

Tammy, the mainstream world out there doesn't know what we know. They don't understand how harmless this is. They don't understand this is simply us being us and not something perverted.

Step cautiously. Once you come out it can't be undone. Your world may change or it may not. It all depends on who you are allowing into your world.

No matter what, remember we are here for you.

[Lucy.T]

Hi Julie,

I have already decided I am going to tell them. Starting with my sister. I've even pretty much worked out when. It's really just a matter of how.

This is one thing I actually want to avoid. Not letting them find out first, but for me to tell them upfront.
Whether or not this makes any difference to the outcome, whether they will talk to me after or not? I don't know and obviously can't know.
I know that once it's out, there is no turning back. However, I already feel I have reached that stage with a work collegue. Beyond the point of no return. Even if just on a small scale.

The only thing I don't want, at the moment anyway, is for all of my work mates finding out. But again, if they do, they do.
I really am quite frustrated with having to live my life in secret, why should I? I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not harming anyone. It's my life, so why should I let the misguided opinions of others rule me?
In fact, since my little 'outing' with my work collegue, I have felt amazingly happier.

Ah well, time will tell :)

Take care,

~Tammy~

[Elaine36b]

Hi Lucy, Elaine here, how are are girl?

I recentnly told my mum, its not easy I know,

You are probably right in telling your sis first, see what her reaction is first,

I told my aunt, but then i knew she wanted me to be a girl when i was a baby.

How are your parents with you? Have they always supported you, even when you were going against their views and opinions?

Ask your mum / sis why they like to wear the clothes they do, why they use make-up, why they wear heels, the chances are they do it to make themselves feel good! So why can you?

If woman can drive trucks, why cant we use make -up?
If woman can were trousers, why can we were skirts?

What I am saying love, is that you are the same person they know, just that you share some of the same interests as they do, you still do the same things as you alway do, execpt that when you get some spare time, just like your mum and sis, you like to get your legs out, powder your face, and have a good read of a girly magazine and a sit down. What is so wrong in that?

thats my opinion on what i do in my spare time.

You must also consider the worst case, will they ever talk to you again?

Only you knew your family gal!

For me, I've had total accepetance, but then I knew I would, that why I told them, but then my mum didn't get me any tights for my birthday, like she said she would, also the braclet she got me which I never wore, she now knows I wear it around my ankle, shes happy she did'nt waste her money!

Be careful honey, you may lose the people you love, but then they may love you, in just the same as if they didn't know.

Good Luck girl !!

hugs
Elaine
xx

[Lucy.T]

Ask your mum / sis why they like to wear the clothes they do, why they use make-up, why they wear heels, the chances are they do it to make themselves feel good! So why can you?

If woman can drive trucks, why cant we use make -up?
If woman can were trousers, why can we were skirts?

Hi Elaine,

I like the above points very much, I've always said the same kind of thing.
May even use that in my little coming out movie :)

Best wishes,

~Tammy~

[Rachel_740]

Hi Tammy,

Welcome back, it's great to have you here again girl :).

I not convinced about the idea of coming out on video. Other girls have made this suggestion for coming out to their SO. I put myself in the position of your family. If you started showing me a power point presentation or similar computer generated video I would wonder what was going on, and I would see it as a 'cryptic' message - are you trying to tell me something or what?

I think it would be better to show them a few photos of Tammy, followed by starting a conversation about how comfortable a skirt is to wear or something like that. See where the conversation goes from there. Then again, perhaps thats just a s cryptic now I've read it in black & white :rolleyes: .

I'd definately come out to your sis first anyhow. See how the land lies with her and if she has any good ideas about telling your parents (I don't have a sister to come out to so can I come out to your sister :confused: ).

As you know, I am havinbg the same issue at the moment. Could we make it a race to see who tells first (sorry, it's not a laughing matter).

Hugs

Rach

[ChristineRenee]

Hi Tammy,

I think it all comes down to educating the masses Tammy. Any real hope of tolerance and acceptance from mainstream society is going to depend heavily on that. If we have one thing going for us in this brave new world (?) we are living in, it's that it doesn't seem to be nearly as close-minded a society overall as it was maybe in the 50's and earlier. Frank discussions and literature...so many excellent publications out now on crossdressing and transgenderism...will help the unenlightened to understand this better, that we are not perverts or sex maniacs, but real people who have a condition that was not chosen by us but rather for us and probably one that goes all the way back to the womb. The more people are informed, the better they will understand and not fear this pnenomenon so. It's not like it's a disease you can catch...though, personally, I'm not so sure many of the self-described "100% males" out there in the world wouldn't benefit from exploring and embracing their feminine side which they try so hard to deny having.

It's going to take more time Tammy...more than many of us would probably like...but I do see change coming down the road. Probably within the next decade. So proceed with caution...but armed with the knowledge that people can be educated and learn to accept us for what we are without fear of society descending into moral decay, corruption and ruin.

Once again, there are some very good books to draw on plus websites like this one and crossdressers-forum.com to help enlighten family members to just how special...and truly fortunate, IMHO...we really are.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.


xoxoxoxoxo,

Christine

[HillaryArtemis]

I agree with all those that suggested caution. I am wondering why you feel it is necessary to tell them? I know the whole thing about living a lie, bui the general public is not ready and you may really lose more than you know. I thought about telling my family - only my wife knows and she is good, but I then realized that it is unessary and even felt it was self-indulgent. They don't usually tell me what they do in private. Why do they need to know? You don't want your work mates to know, so why tell more people than necessary unless one of two things

a) you want to go completely public


b) you want to be an activist (in which case number one would apply too)


Sorry to disagree with you, but I want to be honest. If you do do it, go slowly.


Best luck making a decision


JodiArtemis

[Bernadina]

I agree with all those that suggested caution. I am wondering why you feel it is necessary to tell them? I know the whole thing about living a lie, bui the general public is not ready and you may really lose more than you know. I thought about telling my family - only my wife knows and she is good, but I then realized that it is unessary and even felt it was self-indulgent. They don't usually tell me what they do in private. Why do they need to know? You don't want your work mates to know, so why tell more people than necessary unless one of two things ...
JodiArtemis

My thoughts as well.

While I firmly believe that partners need to know about each other and not have significant secrets, I don't personally think its any of the rest of the world's business that I'm a CD. I have absolutely no desire to tell my parents, siblings, or the people I work with.

Like, why bother?

[Sherlyn]

Hi
I myself agree with jodi and dina ...sherlyn is a inner female passion of privacy with me..i just can't scope how much coming out would change my life .. i am in my forties now and my life is comfortable the way it is ..however i cannot lie ...sherlyn is a strong presence that sometimes can hurt .. i actually made an excuse not too go away with my family a few weekends ago ..just so i could have a few days as sherlyn ... i think if i had any intentions of coming out ,, i should have done it 20 yrs ago..my job ...well !!! if this came out ... god it wouldn't be cool .... i am in construction {could u imagine the heckle ..eeek }.... i would be kicking stones down the road for sure ... i should actually tell you that i am planning a meeting with a couple of ppl from the forum in the fall .. i think about this everyday and i find it frightening..{it is coming out in some form}... BUT its not the ppl that i am too meet that is causing this ..it is myself ... will it cause stronger desires in me too let the world around me know of sherylyn /// .... i guess that i will have to experience a real on the street day as sherlyn to even know this ... did i make sense ?
Sherlyn

[~Tammy~]

Hi Girls,

Thank you for all your valued responses.
First of all I would like to say you don't need to apologise if you disagree with anything I put here. I post my views, opinions and suggestions here to be openly commented upon and criticised. After all, isn't this is what the forum is all about? Finding what other people think of certain situations and learning from them?
If I thought I was totally right in what I thought about doing, I wouldn't put it here to be discussed.
I don't view telling my folks as a complete neccesity, and like many of you say, Why do they need to know at all? Well, no, they dont. I would really like to share it with my sis though and I do believe she may already know. After speaking to my ex about it she mentioned some things my sis has said in the past about my girlie type of behaviour. She knows I wax my legs and paint my toenails for example!
To be perfectly honest, I think the past week has really been getting to my head. Yeah, I admit it, I've been totally freaked out actually!
After chatting to the girls at the meeting and online, with most of them being around 10-15 years older than myself, one of the things that they all agreed on was that they wish they had started going out earlier, rather than hide away. They regret not going out and doing the things they had always wanted to, due to the same fears alot of us face. Now I feel like I should make the most of this time, not to make the same mistake and just enjoy who I am or I too will regret it like they have.
I know it certainly requires alot more thought on where I want to go from here, what the repercusions may be, and what I think I could deal with.

Ah, well, seemed like a good idea at the time :)
Back to the drawing board.

Thanks again and take care,

Luv

~Tammy~

[Julie]

Tammy,

I read a number of coming out stories and there seemed to be one thing that created the most negative reaction to those who have a tough time with accepting and that was showing pictures. They were just too much for the non-accepting person to handle. So use pictures cautiously.

I think coming out will eventually lead to a happier life but the road getting there could be tough. Stereotypes are tough to change especially when the mainstream folks think they are dead nuts right. We live this 24/7 but try to change some people's minds and they simply won't believe you.

My personal preferance would be to drop hints over time, try to educate them along the way, make sure you are just as accepting as you want them to be and be patient and understanding with their reaction. Most of all don't get offended no matter what type of reaction you get.

If you knocked off one person at a time, starting with the easiest, by the time you got to the most difficult you would have support from those who already know. Then they could reaffirm for you that this really isn't quite so bad after all.

I see the problem with my son as something that won't go away. I have to mourn the loss of our relationship as I would a death but I need to start up a different type of relationship with him. He will no doubt be the toughest challenge in my coming out but I won't give up. He needs his space for now and I honor that. You will most likely find one or two people close to you that will be eqaully challenging but the freedom you will have to be yourself will more than make up for that difficulty.

You are right by deciding not to make the same mistake as I did in waiting so long to come out. If I had to do it over again I would have entered into a relationship with a woman who not just accepted Julie but was happy to have her in her life. Kids, I am not sure of. If I lived in an area that was more accepting then yes. Otherwise I'd have some serious discussions with my wife before having kids. I love them dearly but when I see the hard time my son is having and think of the heartache both of us have had to go through it makes it a tough decision.

Good luck in whatever decision you make and as always we're here for you.

[Marda]

Hi Tammy

You've probably got all the feedback you need / want ... but I couldn't stop myself from letting you know IMHO the cutsie interactive web-tech-tool smacks of "hard-seduction-sell" as if you're trying to convert them to a new brand of cereal or sell them some "swampland" :-( ...

and *That* tells me it's your "Headtalk", *Not* your "Heartsong" you're mostly hearing ???

As we *all* know "People Are Strange" ... almost anyone can "accept" drug addiction, alcoholism, wife-beating, child abuse, gambling addiction, prostitution, corporate & political incompetence & corruption, murder, theft, kidnapping, cheating & deception ... etc ... "Just Part of Life ... No Biggie" (yawn) ...

but *** CROSSDRESSING !!!! *** ... "MARTHA ... GRAB THE KIDS ... HEAD FOR THE BASEMENT ... WHO HAS THE DOG? ... DO WE HAVE ENOUGH BOTTLED WATER TO LAST UNTIL NEXT SPRING ?"

Try & relax Tammy ... there's lots more expertise *here* than I know about ...

Oh Yeah ... One more thing ... My Dear Late Father was a CD and we *never* let on to each other ... I knew about him since I was a child ... I don't know and may never, *if* or "what" he knew about me ... he may well have known and just didn't want to "freak me *Out*" by letting me know ...

in the Spiritual Sense, he probably did the right thing ... in the Material Sense, which is really the smallest and least important, Wow! ... What an Encyclopedic Vintage Lingerie Collection he had !!! Lucky Gal That Guy :-))

Lucky Me For Having Her as My Dad :-))

btw: by day my Dad was a respected & recognized War Veteran, Educator, & Community Leader ... behind his "blackout curtains" he was the Very Bright, Diverse & Talented Daughter of a Custom Dressmaker

Love / Marda