Can you ever REALLY enjoy yourself?

[MichelleChristine]

Having spent this past Friday and Saturday in social establishments (in drab with my wife and friends), I caught myself being in a state of confusion and depression. Looking around, I saw all of the GGs dancing, smiling, drinking and just having a NATURAL good time. I, on the otherhand became withdrawn, quiet and did not want to drink because drinking always brings out the girl in me (just something else I am trying to accept without shoving it in my SOs face). While my wife knows about Michelle, she still IS NOT accepting. She says to just wear a dress, but then the look on her face is very disturbing to me (kind of embarrasing). Without ranting, here is my question:

Those of you who accept yourselves, when you go out for socializing (boy or girl mode), can you REALLY enjoy yourself. Do you find that looking at the GGs wil bring you down? Are your thoughts in a FOG about "I wish I was born a girl" or can you accept what life has given you? What kind of thoughts are running through your head?

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I have gone out and genuinely enjoyed myself both in male and female mode. I don't think I've ever had the fun I get the impression of from your recent experience with GGs, but I have had genuine fun none the less. I also plan to have a lot more in the future.

I would suggest seeing a therapist about this. Perhaps you have a need to be more feminine in the open, perhaps your spouse's lack of acceptance is affecting you, perhaps you have a different reason for depression. But it would be healthy to find out and make changes accordingly.

[Jamie48]

Not at all. I enjoy myself in either mode. I love to look at GGs when out, looking opens up all the possibilities.

[Cheryl T]

I find the last few years that I enjoy life more as Cheryl than I do in drab. When out I of course look at other women to see what they are wearing and what looks good on them and might on me.
I don't find myself being depressed when in drab, but I do cherish my femme time more and more.

[Sally24]

It can be a problem when in boy mode and you'd rather be dressed.

When I'm in girl mode I only have envious thoughts when I see younger girls out and about. I don't think it's much different from older GGs seeing young girls going out and having fun. Except of course that I don't have the memories of me when I was their age doing the same thing. Other than that I'm pretty happy with myself and how I look when I go out. I don't try to compete, just look my best. I really enjoy dancing and socializing with other gurls as well as the GGs. It's a godsend that I managed to get to this point before I was in my 70's!:devil:

[NV Susan]

Hi Michelle,
When I'm out en femme I always have a good time and enjoy the girly time when I can. I can also have a good time out in drab, but I sometimes find myself thinking "it sure would be fun doing this in a dress". :daydreaming:

[ReineD]

When I was a young woman, I didn't go the stereotypical route to enjoy lots of fun, glam, feminine moments with attention from tons of guys. I was in a marriage at a young age, and my focus was very much on my career until my kids were born at the onset of my 30s. And then there was not even a semblance of dressing for femininity, not until it began again very slowly in my late 40s. lol. Throughout my life I did dress up occasionally when situations required that my husband and I both dress, but those moments were few and far between. I did wear nice clothing to the office when I was working, but the focus was very much on long hours and the work at hand ... not so much on an impeccable look with fab makeup, hair, shoes, etc.

My point is that now I also look at the young beautiful women with an air of wistfulness, not because I remember the fun I had but because I try to imagine the fun I missed. But then I remember that I am imagining an ideal ... the image the media is intent on having us believe. I also know that appearances are deceiving and everyone has misgivings within their own internal landscape.

I also recognize that the very people I admire might be looking at me and my life through wistful eyes. The grass is always greener, isn't it? :)

EDIT
I love the advice given in Post #2! :hugs:

[Fran Moore]

To what you are saying Michelle. I rarely socialize as "a guy". I just don't feel comfortable in most social settings, although when my wife wants to visit friends I usually will comply if she persists.

As Suzanne, it is an entirely different scenario. I love the interaction, spending time with other like minded people, and even rubbing elbows with "normal" folks, having a few drinks and dancing. It's the freedom of being "out" that makes me the happiest, and living with an unaccepting spouse really limits those times when I can get out and be at my best. I really think that if more unaccepting women understood this about their CDing Signifigant Others they would benefit exponentially from it. However, sharing your life with another must include compromise.....

Suzanne

[Sarah Doepner]

It is much easier for me now that both my wife and I accept and understand what I am doing and how it actually proves to be a benefit in our lives. Before that when I went out I was hiding something and felt guilty. When I was out with the guys it was no different than it is now, I don't share this part of my life with any of them.

[Hope]

Yeah - I have that experience. More often than not.

It's what I call "motivation."

[Missy]

when i am out and about either by myself or with my wife
i am most of the time comfortable with myself i am glad that i am a man that like to wear clothing made for ether mal or female most of the time it under cloths for females girl jeans guy shirts and shoes
i had a long time goming to accept me for me and having fun with life

[Sheren Kelly]

Hi Michelle,
There are times I feel a profound sense of "gender envy" when in drab. But rather then dwell on it, I try to find that which draws me to certain women, and then try to find it within myself. I have an appreciation for women who put themselves together well and try to mimic the styles that are most adaptable to what I have to work with.

There are things I enjoy about being a guy as well. I do a bit of sailboat racing and skiing, and though these are not exclusively masculine activities, I find I am quite comfortable doing them as a guy. Since I have access to expressing myself in both genders, then it becomes a matter of choosing the gender that I feel most appropriate in (for the activity or at the time).

[Persephone]

Those of you who accept yourselves, when you go out for socializing (boy or girl mode), can you REALLY enjoy yourself. Do you find that looking at the GGs wil bring you down? Are your thoughts in a FOG about "I wish I was born a girl" or can you accept what life has given you? What kind of thoughts are running through your head?

I've enjoyed most of what I've done in life and have been blessed with a wonderful spouse, good health, good fortune, and good friends. I never have been too sure if life is enhanced by my outlook, or if my outlook is caused by my life, but I see myself as positive and upbeat although sometimes with a few regrets, not of the things I've done, but of the things I haven't done.

Anyway, yes, I definitely know what you mean. I've been at lots of events en drab where all I could do was to be envious of the women.

I have yet to be anywhere en femme and be envious of the men. O.K., maybe sometimes at a car repair place, but that's it.

Michelle, I started to write something here about the real cost of a spouse who "knows" but who "isn't accepting," but I think it is worth of a thread of its own, so I'm going to post it separately as, hopefully, a general discussion starter.

Meanwhile, I've always suspected that each of us looks at our "burdens" and secretly believes that "the grass is greener," regardless of who or what we are.

For example, I now have an age related hearing loss. I hate it. It sometimes takes me out of conversations and sidelines me.

Do I envy the folks in the room who are obviously able to hear it all? You bet ya! But I also know that many of them have never had half of the great times and joy that I've had in my life, so I still prefer to be me.

I can only do the best with what I've got and it is up to me to "be all that I can be."

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Fab Karen]

It can be a problem when in boy mode and you'd rather be dressed.

When I'm in girl mode I only have envious thoughts when I see younger girls out and about. I don't think it's much different from older GGs seeing young girls going out and having fun. Except of course that I don't have the memories of me when I was their age doing the same thing. Other than that I'm pretty happy with myself and how I look when I go out. I don't try to compete, just look my best. I really enjoy dancing and socializing with other gurls as well as the GGs.
I think that's exactly it- we think how much better it might've been if we'd been in touch with ourselves when we were 18. But then we can remember, regardless, that we're no longer in all that angst & drama that goes with being young. As the Grateful Dead put it,"what a long strange trip it's been" - thank god for maturity & growth.

[AllieSF]

I enjoy going out in drab or en femme and just being myself. I learned a long time ago that it is much better to worry about those things that I can change or do something about than to worry and get upset, frustrated or depressed about those things that I cannot do anything about. It has a lot to do with accepting who you are and what life situation you are in. If you are in that mode it is much easier to bring some type of workable balance to your life. I would love to be able to dress more while at home and and to go out more (I already have a lot of freedom to go out when I can). It is not perfect for me, but I make it work and cherish those moments out. I love looking at the younger and older GG's out there for their looks, clothes, how they carry themselves and all the rest. I also wish that I would have started this when i was much younger. However, even though these are not bad or depressing thoughts,I do not dwell on them because they are totally non-productive, and I refuse to let them bring down off of my life high that I have been enjoying over these last 3 years since I started dressing as a very late bloomer. I say lighten up more and enjoy what you have, and work at it to enjoy it more and worry less. Good luck.

[Jilmac]

I can enjoy myself either way. I just recently celebrated a double birthday with my best girlfriend Gale. She was dressed and I was in drab. I chose to be in drab because my lady was along and even though she knows I dress and is very supportive, I won't dress when I'm out with her either alone or in a group. That's upon mutual agreement. Even though Gale was dressed to the nines and I was in drab, it was still an enjoyable outing.

[suzy1]

I have two lives, suzy and that other bloke. I see this as a great advantage two lives for the price of one.

hugs SUZY

[PretzelGirl]

This is one of those things that you can get a wide spectrum of answers. I feel very blessed in that I have good coping skills and strike a good balance in all things in my life. So I get my girl time and I also enjoy my guy time. So I generally don't have periods where I am in one mode sitting thinking about the other mode. It does happen, but then I do something about it and all is well again.

I can see where it is tough for some and not having an accepting partner can make it more work. But in my mind, stress is held onto when we don't have a plan to take care of a problem. So talk about it if needed, and create a plan to get more time. With a plan in place, stress just melts away.

[meri]

The worry and fear is all in our minds, there is no objective reality for it. Hence, my approach has been to find a way to sneak up on the goal little by little and gain confidence at each step. To always remain below the threshold where I become uncomfortable. Then, if the issue comes up in my mind, to remind myself it's just my little mind-killing fear squeaking and to choose to think about something else.

Start very small, find that level where you can be expressing your femme side in public with your wife at your side where you don't worry and fret over this issue. It may only be a couple of earrings, but find something. Then, over time, however long it takes, add more. Assume it will take time, perhaps a lot of time and don't worry about how long. The fact you have at least something and are comfortable in your own skin is hugely refreshing.

Confidence will come in practice -- it's no fun if you are sitting there worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

[Karinsamatha]

There are occasions looking back when I wish I had dressed to go out to a function. Now when I go out I enjoy looking at the clothing and wonder if I could pull off such a look. I don't get depressed in that type of situation.
At this time I am unable to indulge Karin I do feel quite discombobulated - a need / desire is not be fulfilled. I guess the best way to put is that I am OK drab, but ever so much happier, and relaxed en fem.
:2c: so relax and have a :drink: and a:hugs:

[Lynn Marie]

I've been blessed with no inclination towards depression at all. At this stage of my life, I'm pretty much at ease with both sides of me. I like dressing up as a male and as a female. I can look pretty good in either. Okay not all that good female, but I'm working on it. I'm just happy either way.

[Nicole Erin]

I have a hard time enjoying myself in social situations.
I do have a very few friends who, even though they know I am GM, they treat me more like one of the girls. But to most I am "the guy" like say at school.

See, I am not worried about being the prettiest or "most passable", I just hate being seen as a guy.

[RhondaLynn]

I always enjoy seeing ladies out being themselves within their gender role, admiring their body language, their choices in clothing and how they express themselves through their attire. Perhaps its just my own perception, perhaps not, but it's always a positive experience for me.

I've found that I tend to express my gender-duality when interacting with women more than i did before i'd accepted it, and they seem to be more relaxed around me than other men, sharing their thoughts & opinions more openly. I definitely have better bonds with women now than ever before.

I've been through the 'acceptance, but with a touch of disgust' phase w/ my SO, but she's learned to accept Rhonda & even prefer her company at times. She says that she's found that Rhonda is more attentive to her moods & needs than the guy in me.

When hanging with the guys at work or other male friends, I'm finding their attitudes & behaviors around women to be less and less tolerable. I don't see how women tolerate the juvenile-type behaviors of the majority of men that I know. Women definitely interact with me differently when i'm not with other guys. And i like that. I love women, and I love being able to interact with them as equals, with a better understanding of their gender role. I see them as who they are, not as objects. I consider myself priviledged to have such insight, but again, it may only be my perception of reality, but it's ok with me.

I love the ambiance of ReineD's post - she speaks well of real-life experiences as a career- and family-oriented GG, only beginning to enjoy the subtleties of her sexuality as her priorities re-organize themselves. Although i was not born female, nor do i present myself as one in daily life, i do embrace the discovery & acceptance of my gender-duality, only now learning to enjoy its inner connectivity to my real self, and with this acceptance, i too find myself looking at younger beautiful women and CDs, thinking of what i missed out on in my 20s or 30s, because of a lack of understanding & acceptance. Alas, hindsight is..i won't say it.

And yes, perception is as individualistic as any human trait - everyone's true perception of reality and themselves is different than what we ever see. The grass always seems greener, although we eventually learn that the assumption is false. We should learn to graze on our own turf - only then will we discover how sweet the grass is deeper below the surface.

[Michelle-Leigh]

Those of you who accept yourselves, when you go out for socializing (boy or girl mode), can you REALLY enjoy yourself. Do you find that looking at the GGs wil bring you down? Are your thoughts in a FOG about "I wish I was born a girl" or can you accept what life has given you? What kind of thoughts are running through your head?

I must accept my dual sexuality because I have no other choice at present, and to do otherwise would make me miserable. Since I have been let out of the closet and set free, my desire to finish out my life as a female has grown, but not to an unmanageable level. I still enjoy myself as I am, and then some.... But realize that my efforts to seek an avenue to full SRS and transition will - most likely - never be productive.

[Dee2U]

Although I am in the closet with my SO, just about everything else RhondaLyn posted rings true for me. It isnt just about dressing; its about being and evolving into the person I want to be. I too have waited too long to begin, and that can sometimes feel lead to a wistfulness in social situations with women. It passes if you focus back on what the group is saying and doing.

Although you can wish things were otherwise, inner peace joy can only come about if you can gain acceptance of an ever changing reality. I hope we can all find that some day....Dee

[MichelleChristine]

Thank you all for your replies. "Gender Envy" really struck a chord. Learning to accept is my key for happiness. It is reassuring to know that others have gone thru what I am going thru. After reading these replies, it had a "calming" effect in my mind . . . acceptance of myself will take time.

I will keep reading and learning from this great forum. Afterall, by me joining is my first step toward acceptance. I did not realize this until I read it. (talk about a lot of crap under the carpet). Thank you all again.

[jenifer m.]

the good times are just different when in girl mode every things more vivid,and exciting like im on the edge of the world,but in guy mode i can have fun in a more relaxing way both are great.and when ever i watch ggs im first looking to see what they are wearing then to see if they are hot. just the way im programmed.

[Frédérique]

Those of you who accept yourselves, when you go out for socializing (boy or girl mode), can you REALLY enjoy yourself. Do you find that looking at the GGs wil bring you down? Are your thoughts in a FOG about "I wish I was born a girl" or can you accept what life has given you? What kind of thoughts are running through your head?

I accept what life has given me – it saves a lot of time and consternation, but I know I have the power to be anything I want to be. If I had been born female, I may be wishing I was male, but who knows? This life is full of possibilities. Looking at GG’s never brings me down, mainly because I’m not too “up” to begin with. However, the sun has broken through the fog here in my magical forest, and I can see a clearing ahead...:)

[charlie]

Hello Michelle!
When I go out it is after all still me no matter how I'm dressed. I still drink, talk to others, dance and have fun. I think I look at GG's more when I'm in drab mode, but enjoy being out and about either way I'm dressed. I do however chose not to go to certain places when dressed. That is my only criteria that changes; and it is for safety.

[docrobbysherry]

Read disclaimers below::brolleyes:

1. I DON'T have an SO to consider!:)

2. I'm a closet CD who CAN'T pass, so I have NO desire to go out dressed!:eek:

3. I DON'T have a "female inside" that speaks to me, (yet)!:heehee:

4. If I see young girls having fun, I go home and imitate them!:D

5. My "fun", seems to MORE than balance out my, "guilt", for now!:thumbsup: