cant buy clothes any more. why?

[jenifer m.]

last night my wife tore into me about all the shopping ive been doing,and about buying 100.00 pairs of clogs,but im using my own money.i help pay the bills i make my own car payment,and cell phone,so whats her problem is she jelous?i mean i also buy her things too,but i still got yelled at.any one having similer problems with their s.o.? and if so how do you handle it?

[sherri52]

Divorced, Don't have that problem anymore.

[Andy66]

100 pairs of shoes? :eek: That had to cost (conservatively) at least $2000. Maybe she has different priorities about what that money could have been used for.

[jenifer m.]

no no no i said hundred dollar pair of clogs. oh well.

[Ashley Allen]

$100 on a a pair of CLOGs, not even a nice pair of boots just clogs.... I haven't spent more than $19 on a pair of shoes yet, ya gotta go shopping alot and look for the sales... I like expensive stuff too though... and yes I ahve this problem also and she is definetly jeaolus and always telling me "I am the pretty one in this relationship" and she even told me she expects me to spend more on her than on myself... ROTFL... I can't wear her stuff so good luck with enforcing that one hun :heehee:

[Andy66]

no no no i said hundred dollar pair of clogs. oh well.
Oops, sorry. :o That's very different. It doesn't sound like you can never shop again... maybe she overreacted a tiny bit? I don't know how tight money is with you, that can make a lot of difference. Hopefully things will blow over soon. :hugs:

[Jenny Beth]

You don't say whether or not your wife accepts your dressing. If not then this has nothing to do with how much you spend but rather her opposition to it.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Jenny - this might be about something entirely separate from what you're spending money on. Emotions driven by one issue can boil up over any incident.

My advice would be to sit down, ask your wife what's bothering her, and just listen, let her talk it through.

[suzy1]

I’m also “happily” divorced. Don’t have that problem ether. Hope you work it out. Try to see her side and be understanding.

SUZY

[LongLegs Michelle]

Money is money; it is the root of so many problems!

My wife is very accepting and loves to shop as much as I do but I still get the "do you really need that" and "isn't that a lot of money for us to spend on a dress?" ect. We'll usually comprimise and i'll end up buying two less expensive things: win win for both of us. Persoanlly, i think that $100 for a pair of clogs is pricey unless you're buying the name (not a bad thing-who are they?) but that's a different discusion. But remeber, we, or at least I, still shop for clothes in boy and girl modes so we have to remeber to balance our costs between the too!

at any rate, no matter what, no one should ever get "ripped into" over money.

[Cassandra Lynn]

And let's not forget the economic times we are in, it is only logical for the question of acceptance of shopping in these times to be more of an issue. But if you are fortunate to have the financial ability to afford such items than it is obviously an issue of overall acceptance of your CDing. mj

[amy canada]

Either she wants you to save money for the future, like for a bigger house, or she wants you to buy things for her instead. That's what it sounds like to me.

[Michelle-Leigh]

$100 for a pair of shoes ? I'll bet my entire rack that she was upset about the outrageous price you paid for them; you could have probably gotten those same shoes or similar for half that much if you had waited for a sale or shopped around more. It is so easy for us girls to get set on fire by things we see in stores, and you have to take firm control of yourself. Next time, just send me the $100.00 instead and I'll come back with three or four pairs of shoes ! :D

[Cheryl T]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.
Who's house is it? Who's kids? (if any)...sorry, but it's a difficult concept for me to accept and maybe that's the same for your spouse.

[jenifer m.]

ha ha she knows i shop like a girl so we have to have seprate accts cuz i used to go crazy with the money.i guess i cant be trusted,when i see things i want i buy them.im not the most responsable person in the world but im getting better.

[suchacutie]

In all honesty, it sounds like you don't understand each other's priorities and are, therefore, insensitive to them, accidently or not.

Maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk about what's on each mind the makes up this relationship? My wife and I use the process of "taking an idea off the shelf". We look at the idea as a disembodied thought and when we're done we put it back onto the shelf. In this way no one can get upset since the idea is going back on the shelf, and no where else.

Good luck!

[BRANDYJ]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.
Who's house is it? Who's kids? (if any)...sorry, but it's a difficult concept for me to accept and maybe that's the same for your spouse.

Sorry, I have to agree with Cheryl on this one. I can't even concieve the notion of my money/her money. It's our money when I am in a relationship...married or not. I think your wife has a right to be upset. Especially if she feels she, the kids or the home are going without due to your spending. Not to be mean, but this sounds extravagant and even selfish.
Good luck on your marriage...seriously

Why not consider spending equal amounts of money on her as you do for your fem self. It will show you are thinking and caring about her as much as your desire to dress fem. Share with her equally.

[Ms. Emily]

ha ha she knows i shop like a girl so we have to have seprate accts cuz i used to go crazy with the money.i guess i cant be trusted,when i see things i want i buy them.im not the most responsable person in the world but im getting better.

Sounds like you already knew the answer to your own question eh ??

[eileendover]

I've heard many many times, from women I highly respect, that it is important for each person to have SOME money they can spend however they want.

After the "ours" funds are allocated to the normal home, family, vacation, education, etc stuff, each person should get something, even if it's only $5.00 each, to spend how they choose.

Compromise and priorities are important for any couple, but not for absolutely everything a couple does.

my :2c:, but not our :2c:

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Easy...do a "two for one"...works everytime!!!!

[cherry]

I reckon I would wonder why she had spent $100 dollars on clogs too, unless that was a normal price for you both.

[Sandra]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.


Yep same here with us.


All that money on a pair of clogs sounds very extragavent IMO

[Karen564]

It's very basic :doh:

If your married, you shouldn't look at things as YOUR this or that,,,especially the money coming in...It's BOTH of yours...together........

If you can't see that, then you should of stayed single...


But I do know how easy it is to spend $100 on a pair of shoes, because I just bought a pair of nice leather clogs on sale for that, and that's cheap concidering the shoes I really like run $300+ a pair..:battingeyelashes:
But I'm single..:tongueout

Can you tell I don't shop at payless....lol

[AllieSF]

If a couple decides to establish separate accounts for personal discretionary spending, that is fine with me. If there are no limitations on what each gets to spend it on, as long as it is legal, than there should be no complaining later by either party about what is bought from that personal account. I do not know if that is the case here, but it appears that the OP does have her own personal account.

[MJ]

I’m also divorced. Don’t have that problem ether. and don't have a $100.00 pair of shoes :straightface:

[DonnaT]

I get asked all the time, "You been shopping again?" Yet I rarely do any shopping, and then buy on sale most of the time.

She usually asks when I wear something she doesn't remember seeing before.

[AKAMichelle]

I recently read an article about how couples handle larger purchases. Even though this is from your side of the money, couples view money as joint. The problem here appears that you spent money that she thought was joint even though in a separate account from what was written.

The article had an interesting take on how to handle the mad money issue. In this article, one of the ways to handle the issue is to set a limit for spending without consulting and another limit for agreement required. Sounds like your result would have been the same if you spent the money on some electronic gadget. She may see spending $100 on anything as extravagant and requiring joint approval.

Personally, I see the value in a $100 pair of shoes especially after wearing them all day. The pincing and blisters missing is worth the money in my opinion.

[Satrana]

I get asked all the time, "You been shopping again?" Yet I rarely do any shopping, and then buy on sale most of the time.

She usually asks when I wear something she doesn't remember seeing before.Ditto for me. I believe this is about women generally loving to shop for clothes and so wanting this to be a shared experience - ie she should get new things at the same time you do. Next time buy her something and see if the reaction is different.

[Maria in heels]

sorry Jenifer, but it sounds like your wife is really not as understanding or accepting of Jenifer as you think. Her reaction to your $100 pair of clogs I can understand, but as you wrote, if she is complaining about all of the shopping that Jenifer is doing, then she really is unhappy. I will admit that once in a while my wife passes a joke about Maria's shoes, but she does understand that Maria is a part of me, and that she will always be around. My shoe collection is quite extensive, and yes, I do have shoes and boots that are well over $100 a pair! My most recent high price purchase are these red dorsey style pumps that I have posted as my recent purchase...they retail at over $595 for the pair... my wife is actually amazed that the collection I purchased over the years is as big as it is, and I am thankful that she allows me, Maria, to continue shopping without the dreded "you have enough so its time to stop buying" syndrome...

p.s. yes, I have bought her a few pairs of heels as well...we have a matching pair of shoes in the same color as well....

[amy canada]

I think the real reason that your wife got mad is because you didn't get her a pair of $100 clogs as well. :) I mean, if you're going to spend that much for a pair of shoes, you should get something for her too.

[Blaire]

Sorry, I have to agree with Cheryl on this one. I can't even concieve the notion of my money/her money.

Neither could I until recently. It's a real PIA to set up a joint account in the Mid East. It's almost always his/hers here.


last night my wife tore into me about all the shopping ive been doing,and about buying 100.00 pairs of clogs,but im using my own money.i help pay the bills i make my own car payment,and cell phone,so whats her problem is she jelous?i mean i also buy her things too,but i still got yelled at.any one having similer problems with their s.o.? and if so how do you handle it?

I know too many people that put hobby before milk, clothes before rent, wants before needs. I'm certain we're all guilty of that at some point in life.

Sounds to me like she's ticked that you bought a big ticket item that could have been much less, rather that you bought it at all. She's annoyed that you buy before you think, and is concerned that you have no self control and a case of designeritis. Possibly she's worried that at some point in the future the "his and hers" is going to be needed to become "ours" again, and that you won't have the responsibility to deal with it.

As for how you handle it, the two of you need to decide your financial goals together and work to them. There really is no "mine and yours" in a working relationship, everything - absolutely everything - has elements of "ours."

[jenifer m.]

point well taken as jenifer cannot stop shopping then jenifer will just have to do what many of you ladies said,and buy her( the wife) something nice each time i shop,and see if that helps.

[Hope]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.
Who's house is it? Who's kids? (if any)...sorry, but it's a difficult concept for me to accept and maybe that's the same for your spouse.

Exactly what I was thinking... What do you mean you are married and you have separate accounts? Do you have separate apartments too? Separate groups of friends and separate lives perhaps?

That being said - I would be annoyed if my wife were to show up with $100 clogs. And I would hope my wife would have the good sense to explain to me why I couldn't pay $100 for clogs. Heels, boots, sandals etc - no problem... but $100 for clogs? You must be kidding.

[eluuzion]

I am divorced and happy, but it still costs money for the freedom. (child support which I faithfully pay).

It takes time to figure out how financial issues "really" work. For example... I've had "shared custody" of a daughter for 14 years now. Regardless of how it "should" or was intended to work, here is reality:

Let's use a bicycle as an example. I pay child support to the ex who is supposed to buy a bicycle for her at "mom's". She does not, so I buy one for her at mom's house, my house, plus I paid a third time via child support.

Basically, I pay for everything 3 times. Welcome to the real world. The only advice I can suggest is the "conflict avoidance purchasing rule"...
What ever you buy for yourself, you must buy something of equal or greater value for your SO. Kind of like a Burger King coupon, only you do not get a sandwich, just peace of mind...lol

[Rachel2000]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.
Who's house is it? Who's kids? (if any)...sorry, but it's a difficult concept for me to accept and maybe that's the same for your spouse.

I'm with ya on this one Cheryl and to be perfectly honest I would probably be a little ripped if my wife spent $100 on a pair of clogs.

[rachel_rachel]

I'm sort of getting help for my obbession, last week my wife let me spend near on $100 shopping for clothes. I bought 2 dresses, 1 top and a pair of shorts from one shop.. Bought 8 pairs of earrings from another (only paid $2 -$3 per pair) and to top it off i finally found the beige heels i've been after for months!!! downside to that was they were $50.

There's no questions asked, just comments made on how much things were and the bargins i seem to always find.

[Imogen_Mann]

When it got to the point that I had 31 pairs of knickers, and 10 wigs, 9 pairs of shoes... My SO pointed out... "you only have one arse to put knickers on, and only two feet" Her point was, the novelty of being able to buy my own clothes needed to wear off before it became habit or obsession. I have more female clothes than male, indeed more female clothes than she does... And she has to wear hers every day.

She was of course wrong.

Seriously though, she had a valid point, and I was wasting money on the enjoyment of shopping, and not thinking sensibly about the clothes or the cost. My money sit's in savings now, towards a classic car. £4250 so far, and I still have more clothes that I know what to do with, in fact I put quite lot in the charity bag (no... NOT a purge) and STILL have excess.

[eluuzion]

whoa...

Lightbulb moment for me :daydreaming:

I'm an entrepreneur (term for self-employed people who fool themselves into thinking they work for a living, lol). I'm always looking for new businesses to start. How about a "CD reclamation center" or consignment store...maybe call it "Passing it On" or something...:D

All those clothes from purging and excess purchasing fanatics could go to use rather than the trash.

Or maybe I'll just buy a truck and offer to pick-up clothes from CDs who are bitten by the purging bug! Or start a mail processing business like those gold recycling snake oil salesmen advertising money for your old gold jewelry...:D

Or, maybe I will just go downstairs and grab another beer...:o

[EnglishRose]

My chest that I keep the fem clothing just broke open. We've decided to keep them in standard totes instead. Anyway this meant going through them all, folding where necessary, and I realized that not only do I have a lot of clothes, but I don't like many of them. A lot were purchased in fits of "I have no wardrobe aaaahhhh!!!" type frenzies, and especially as I'd had little chance to dress at the time, I'd gone largely for what could be termed "club wear"?. Or at least what one would wear on a date, and not exactly something appropriate for working during the day, grocery shopping, etc etc.

Anyway I'm going to donate some of them, hopefully someone else will get use of those items. Of course, this means some replacing; I don't have much that could be termed "day-to-day". The way my wife and I get around this is that we have Mad Money accounts. Every time we get paid every couple of weeks we transfer a small amount to each of our side checking accounts, and we're free to use this money for whatever each of us wants.

If I feel something of mine will "push the envelope" I'll talk to her first about it, for example I needed to be sure she'd be comfortable with me buying breast forms, and they're going to be my next purchase.

[Cassandra Lynn]

It's very basic :doh:

If your married, you shouldn't look at things as YOUR this or that,,,especially the money coming in...It's BOTH of yours...together........

If you can't see that, then you should of stayed single...


Come on now ladies, it's not our job to tell other couples how to run thier lives, this is after all the year 2010 and in modern day society lots of couples have seperate accounts, hell they even have hyphenated names at times. If this is thier way then so be it. I still see this as an issue of cost and not being totally accepting. my 2 pennies worth. mj

[Annaliese]

My money is her money and her money is my money.
In 35 years of marrage I have ony writen two checks
and she keeps the cards to. This my sound like all the
money is her money. If I want something I just have
to say I want that and if there is money then I get
it. Before you say anything it works for us. I am the
shopper and if I had control we would be broke.

[georgia_937]

I have to agree with Annalise - since I seem to have a similar problem with my shopping. I've been off work (between a strike and the plant closing) for over two years, and have taken over the everyday shopping and bill paying for us, however I neither have nor want the checkbook since I'm quite afraid that Georgia would find some excuse to shop to her heart's content. I have an "allowance" and so does she, and we both have sworn the bills come first. The only purchases Georgia makes are the ones I can afford out of my allowance (which meant not going to the club the week she needed new breastforms). We both have other seperate accounts (mine from a rental, hers from an inheritance), however we seem to be able to talk about spending from these accounts rationally. In these economic times it only makes sense to me to put artificial limits on the spending, even if it hurts.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm divorced, so it COST ME a lot learning it!:doh:

U and your SO need to sit down and talk about money! Everything about it! How much u spend, she spends, budgets, savings, $$$ plans for the future, etc. U must BOTH AGREE on your $$$ plans! Whatever u agree to, sit down again in, say, 6 months and see if it's working! If not, try to make adjustments that WORK for both of u!:brolleyes:


---------------- Next time, just send me the $100.00 instead and I'll come back with three or four pairs of shoes ! :D

Hah, Michelle-Leigh! I see u, and raise your 4 pairs! I can buy 8 to 16 w/$100!:heehee:

[Being Paige]

My wife gives me a lecture every time I buy somethingfor my femme self

[Melinda G]

Holy crap! Only a woman would pay $100 for a pair of clogs. You're yanking our chains, right?

[Karen564]

Holy crap! Only a woman would pay $100 for a pair of clogs. You're yanking our chains, right?


Sorry...Me bad..I bought Mules...not Clogs.....lol

http://www1.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=423775&PseudoCat=se-xx-xx-xx.esn_results

But they looked so great with my Jeans, I just had to have them....:battingeyelashes:

[busker]

Maybe it is her way of saying she is tired of the Menage a trois. Perhaps "jennifer" needs to take a little break for awhile. It is after all, like buying presents for your "girlfriend" and wives hate that more than anything--well, almost more than anything.
Mandrake out of water

[Violetgray]

You used YOUR money and you pay YOUR CAR insurance...
I thought marriage was a joint venture...maybe we are strange, but we don't have his and hers accounts, insurance, money....we have OURS.
Who's house is it? Who's kids? (if any)...sorry, but it's a difficult concept for me to accept and maybe that's the same for your spouse.

So everything is shared then? O.k., try this:

Any closet cd's out there? Have your wife's bra and panties on when she comes to bed tonight. when she says "What are you DOING!?!?"

just say, "Honey, I'm just putting on OUR sleepwear!"

You know, because everything in a marriage is shared and all...

[jenifer m.]

hey ladies thanks for the bevy of thoughts.but in my defense the clogs are danskos.ive never seen them for less than 100.00 besides i wear them while en drab or femme so ill get my moneys worth.

[Samantha_Smile]

If its the actual money she's bothered about, then it would be a question of whether that money could have had better use (bills). If youve got £1000s in spare cash, then fair play and lucky you!

If it's because you bought for your femme side, then thats a matter for discussion.

[SamanthaS]

I know how you feel. Even when we had money to play with my gf got pissed when she saw how much I spent on clothes.

[ReineD]

Once you remove the household and living expenses (and this includes putting money aside for retirement, household maintenance & repair, and it includes a budget for the necessary clothes (such as replacements for things that have becomes tattered), etc), you are left with discretionary income to be used for pleasure or extras. Being married, the discretionary income is for fun stuff for you, extras for the home that benefit both of you such as furniture, household items, electronics, and fun stuff you do together such as dining out, vacations, etc.

If all your discretionary income is spent on yourself, I can see why your wife would wonder where she and your relationship stand in your list of priorities? Also, if your earning power is greater than or equal to hers and she feels she does the greater share of the discretionary spending for the both of you, or she feels she cannot afford to get things for herself like you can, it can seem as if you are self-centered in your spending habits. I am not saying this is the case just bringing up a different way for you to think about it.

Your wife may also be concerned if you cannot practice self-control when it comes to your wardrobe, since a lack of self-control is a sign of a compulsion. Again, I am not saying this is your situation, but some of the signs are not being able to go more than a few weeks without buying any items for yourself, or having to buy something for yourself almost every time you go shopping in physical stores or the internet, and feeling deprived if you don't. Other signs are having many items that are unused or using the shopping as a reward if it's been a little while since you've shopped.

This next part is hard for me to bring up, since it has the potential to be taken out of context by both CDs and GGs. :p

A much as a GG accepts the CDing, it's hard to move beyond the notion we all grow up with that the guy is 'supposed' to enjoy seeing pretty things on his wife more (or with a CD at least as much as) on himself. The entire fashion industry revolves around the principle that a man is visual and he is motivated to see his GG partner looking attractive. And ads that are filled with men who want to adorn their wives. I'm thinking of the Zales ads at Christmas. I know that saying this sounds cruel especially in this forum and I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that most accepting GGs do believe they are in relationships with their CDs who are also guys, who are sexually motivated by the visual of their wife looking beautiful. So it can be jarring if the husband's feminine shopping takes precedence over or seldom includes his wife, especially if it borders on the compulsive. This is not a comment discounting a GG's ability to adorn herself, but just her appreciation when she believes her husband thinks she is sexy enough to want to see her wear pretty things.

Jenifer, none of what I've said may apply to your situation, since you really didn't give us a whole lot of detail to go on, save for the $100 shoes. :) So please ignore what doesn't apply.

[Sarah_GG]

This next part is hard for me to bring up, since it has the potential to be taken out of context by both CDs and GGs. :p

A much as a GG accepts the CDing, it's hard to move beyond the notion we all grow up with that the guy is 'supposed' to enjoy seeing pretty things on his wife more (or with a CD at least as much as) on himself. The entire fashion industry revolves around the principle that a man is visual and he is motivated to see his GG partner looking attractive. And ads that are filled with men who want to adorn their wives. I'm thinking of the Zales ads at Christmas. I know that saying this sounds cruel especially in this forum and I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that most accepting GGs do believe they are in relationships with their CDs who are also guys, who are sexually motivated by the visual of their wife looking beautiful. So it can be jarring if the husband's feminine shopping takes precedence over or seldom includes his wife, especially if it borders on the compulsive. This is not a comment discounting a GG's ability to adorn herself, but just her appreciation when she believes her husband thinks she is sexy enough to want to see her wear pretty things.

Spot on... as ever! :D

[2b.Lauren]

So everything is shared then? O.k., try this:

Any closet cd's out there? Have your wife's bra and panties on when she comes to bed tonight. when she says "What are you DOING!?!?"

just say, "Honey, I'm just putting on OUR sleepwear!"

You know, because everything in a marriage is shared and all...


Sorry dear but had to say this is spoken like someone who is probably not married. I mean no harm what-so-ever but that would not be good on many parts, it proves nothing regarding the spending issues, and well we know better than to wear our spouses things.

I like what Reine commented on and I will quote that here [/Quote=ReineD] A much as a GG accepts the CDing, it's hard to move beyond the notion we all grow up with that the guy is 'supposed' to enjoy seeing pretty things on his wife more (or with a CD at least as much as) on himself. The entire fashion industry revolves around the principle that a man is visual and he is motivated to see his GG partner looking attractive. And ads that are filled with men who want to adorn their wives. I'm thinking of the Zales ads at Christmas. I know that saying this sounds cruel especially in this forum and I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that most accepting GGs do believe they are in relationships with their CDs who are also guys, who are sexually motivated by the visual of their wife looking beautiful. So it can be jarring if the husband's feminine shopping takes precedence over or seldom includes his wife, especially if it borders on the compulsive. This is not a comment discounting a GG's ability to adorn herself, but just her appreciation when she believes her husband thinks she is sexy enough to want to see her wear pretty things.[/QUOTE]

She is upset about the spending and spending on CD'ing. Acceptance does not always = complete agreement. She may accept the fact that you CD and might not argue or put up a fight when you dress, or buy things, but I am sure that there are parts of this that she is still struggling with and needs to feel like you both agree on. Talking to her and having a dialogue about your spending even if it is your money (that is money not designated for joint spending) gives her more control in your relationship together and makes her feel like a part of your life. I work a part time job and use this money if it is not going bills as my mad money or sometimes called my walking/folding money. I use this for motorcycle trips, drumming things, and my wardrobe. She is cool with this, but I think would also wonder about my spending that much on shoes. I do love those clogs and have been conversing with a friend on here about the Dansko clogs. I would love a pair of them!

[LongLegs Michelle]

I have to agree with the others who said "marriage is a joint venture". All of our finaces and assets are combined.

Another quick comment, even those who have finacial where-with-all to spend as they please you should always check with your spouse for anything major. The monetary amount is relative but the respect it conveys is not! we always talk about purchases first and saves needless disapointment later (unless it's a birthday surprise!)

Michelle