Was going to go

[Stephenie]

I was going to go to a Therapist and had asked for help finding one.

Well I found one near by that would see me.

But, When my wife found out that the therapsit was one that helped people transision she freaked out. Now I was not planning on transisioning, I just wanted/needed to talk to some one who understood TG/TS issues. Some one who could help me understand better. My wife would not listen to me and again said that I should go to a Therapist that her 's reccomends. Who would probably be a Catholic one. Which is not a reasonable option for me.

Well to save marriage, I canciled the appointment. And am once again trying to figure things out on my own.

Life sucks

[Karen564]

Just for the sake of keeping the peace, try the one she wants you to go to...It may not help, but doubt it can hurt too much..

Just try it & see where that goes...if that therapist is worth their salt, they may just tell you that your issues are out of their area of expertise and recommend another therapist more qualified in these matters..
What would the wife say in that case?

Or if you don't like the way it's going...then stop going to that one...

But either way, it sounds like you need to talk it out with someone for your own well being and that's also in everyones best interest too..

Good luck, I hope it all can work out...:hugs:

[TerryTerri]

IDK, each of us has our own consious and heart. To me, going to see the therapist 'she' recommmends doesn't sound like too good of advice. I mean it this way, would you go see the Dermatologist recommended to you by your mechanic? Your wife probably doesn't know enough about such things to give yu a recommendation. Furthermore, (in my humble opinion) if your wife has such low respect for you that she does not wish you to see the therapist that works in the arena of help you need ( would you go see a therpist who specialises in bulemia?), then you probably need to question her love for you and the marriage in general. Sounds like a serious lack of respect from her in my observation. If she does not trust you enough to allow you the liberty to seek the help you feel you need, that says some not good things about her opinion of you as her husband. Once again, on my opinion, you need to look at such things. It is a marriage, it is NOT a slave/master relationship. Think about it.

[cherry]

Have you thought of calling the samaritans?

Only take advice about a marriage from people who know you both well, others are just guessing with little background and using their own experiences. Start listening to advice from outsiders and you are gonna mess up seriously sooner or later.

[SuzanneBender]

Why not try both? It may be a comprimise. you could even suggest that you go to your therapist and both of you go to a marriage therapist. The therapists can share notes if you allow them. I would worry about using yours or hers that much most therapists don't go into the process with a set agenda. The key is finding one you like no matter who suggests them.

Your wife is scared. Telling her that the man of her dreams is seeing a gender therapist is an overwhelming thing and because of it she is going to react with emotion rather than rational logic. You need to find a method to balance her emotional needs with the logic of the situation.

Good luck dear you and your wife are in my prayers.

[AllieSF]

I believe it is wrong for another to impose that type of control on such a personal and important matter. Since the therapy is for you, you need someone experienced in the area in which you need assistance. To satisfy your wife and to help her deal with her issues on this subject, you could still go to the one you want to and then go see the one that your wife recommends to get this issue (why your wife would not let you select who you think is best for you) resolved. Make sure to give your reasons why you chose the other and then explain why you are seeing him/her at the same time. I have seen, in the past, a few couples/relationship therapists. Based on that experience, if the one your wife recommends does not say that you should continue with your chosen gender therapist (assuming that your first visit is a good one), then I would be highly suspect of anything he recommends, unless he/she knows something detrimental about the professional reputation of your chosen therapist. Good luck.

[helenr]

spouses are so bewildered. my wife suggested seeing a therapist. fine until I actually started. she is OK with it, but I am sure that it is causing her concern-that this will solidify and transgender thoughts/plans. I am sure it is very hard on them to grasp the whole TG issue-fears of how it will affect them, social shame and stigmatism. ironic how many wifes can be more OK with a frustrated, confused MTF spouse as long as it is hidden under the rug,so to speak.

[Hope]

She has no problem with you selecting her hair stylist does she? Or her gynecologist?

Of course she does, and for some of the same reasons, she is WAY out of line on this one.

[Starling]

...ironic how many wifes can be more OK with a frustrated, confused MTF spouse as long as it is hidden under the rug,so to speak.

Amen, sister! I'm in the same leaky canoe.

:straightface: Lallie

[tamarav]

You need to talk with someone who actually listens and develops an understanding of your issues. We are just a sounding board but the overwhelming theme is that therapy is very useful and if you have never been you may not be aware of it's benefits.

Use the professionals, be it makeup artists or therapists. They can shorten the agony and help you develop a game plan.

As far as therapists comparing notes, when I was a marriage counselor for 4 years I never heard from any other therapist about any of my patients, it is too time consuming and costly for patients and therapists today are in the same boat as any other health care professional. Therapists that specialize in gender issues are simply more aware of the phenomenon, each has their area of interest. Ask.

[meri]

You might be surprised at how open and accepting any therapist can be. I recently stayed with a friend who has a new wife who happens to be a consulting psychologist. I spent 4 days with them and I couldn't believe just how aligned our minds were with respect to many issues including gender, dressing, etc. Her practice is "general" in nature, not dedicated to people with gender issues.

Personally, if I were seeking therapy, I would not want to work with someone who was biased in any particular direction. The first task, no matter who you see, is to sound them out and see if they are biased one way or another. Then decide whether or not they can be useful to you.

My experience is they mostly listen and ask questions and try to draw you out. Rarely do they give direct advice, a good therapist will help you answer your own questions. Bottom line is always whatever is right for you (so long as you are not hurting anyone else) is right for you....

[EnglishRose]

My wife was also very wary of gender-issues-experienced therapists until she talked to her own about them. There are some bad ones out there (I hear horror stories about a popular therapist in MA) but any good therapist will help you for you and won't be biased in one direction (as others have indicated here).

[AKAMichelle]

talking to someone else who remotely understands is a big help. But most of the understanding process comes from within anyway. Maybe the person your wife suggests will get you understand yourself better.

Maybe you should also try and meet others like yourself. That helped me a lot to pick their brains and see what made them tick.

[carolinoakland]

any therapist worth their salt can't give you any answers. You already know them, but what they SHOULD be doing is helping you get to the place where you can ask yourself the questions you need to ask yourself.

[Peri Bender]

Talk to someone. I have a therspist, she has a therspist and we start marriage counseling next week. Get help!!! You both need someone else to talk to. Of course, keep talking to eachother:)

[Arianna Aine]

well, to be fair, going to any therapist is somewhat of a gamble. i mean, my first therapist worked at the same office as my mom's therapist, who she had found to be really open and such. he was totally oblivious, and at some point said something about 'fixing' me (:eek::eek::eek:!!! a good therapist should NEVER say that, period). however, my best friend (who i found out recently is also mtf, go figure) was forced to go to a therapist at a christian outfit by her mother. she actually got the therapist to break down into tears and admit she couldn't help her :cheer:

so you can never know. you might get lucky with a stranger, or betrayed by who you thought to be a trustworthy expert...

i am a little young and inexperienced to say anything of weight on the marriage part...i mean, my girlfriend at the time i decided to transition soundly broke up with me nearly immediately. what i have observed from other couples i have heard from, and from talks with my own family, that family members, significant others especially, are concerned with 'losing' the person. i would probably say something to the effect that you love her enough to want her to be able to know who you truly are...but try not to get all guilt-trippy O_o i have a problem with doing that. but anyway, in your position i would just make sure she knows you aren't going away, just showing who you've always been :2c:

wow when i say it like that it sounds so much easier than it is O_o

[sherri52]

Compromise with your wife. Don't use either, go to the tel book, open the page to the therapists and pick one blind. Neither of you win the arguement and you may get some answers

[Stephenie]

Thank you all for the comments,

I don't know what I am going to do yet. Though I am pretty sure that her pick would try to cure me of these feeling. Were as what I would like is to find away to live with them and still fufil my commetments to my wife and little childern.

Stephenie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you have to remember that your own mental well being is a huge part of fulfilling your commitment...life is full of tough choices, and for some us, its especially tough and unfair...this is true for both you and your wife

The thing is that there is no cure. period. full stop. there is only how you cope with it .....what non trans people can't understand is that they CANT change you...that they are better off letting you figure things out...its simply not something that can be understood up front, and you must find the courage and strength to stand up for yourself.. if you don't ...your wife will lovingly watch you suffer, all the while thinking she is helping you...this is no way to be

It's a touchy subject...she is being dragged into something she doesnt want..and her fear is real and not unfounded..its very possible to open the transition door through a therapist..but its not a reason to deny you meaningful help, and frankly, in my experience if the transition door is going to open, it won't happen on your or your wife's terms...avoiding support is not gonna help you, your wife, or your family...you will not solve your problems through a therapist, but you will get invaluable info tailored to what you are going through..this is a hard lesson..

and if you are not a transition candidate, wouldnt it be great to discuss that with an experienced professional, and feel good about it??

:hugs: for you and :hugs: for your wife
i hope you can figure all this out

[Jessinthesprings]

From the sound of things it really sounds like you want to talk to somone about the feelings and issues that you have. Any therapist can listen and give you new ways of thinking about things. And sometimes knowing someone who is not involved in the transgender community and is accepting is helpful too. However, you might try going to a support group. There, talking and listening is free and you might be able to creat some friendships. One can never have too many friends.

I do think that you and your wife should consider couples counseling, with a councelor that has experiance in working with couples where one or both members are transgendered. If transitioning is even a remote possibility in the future that is a hurdle you and your wife will have to face.