Seeing Is Believing

[Brandi Wyne]

A couple of weeks ago I sat my wife down and told her about my being a life-long CD and how important it is to me to express my femme side, too. I also told her I joined a CD support group and would be going to my first meeting soon. So far so good. The next several days were good for us both - I thought.

Then, a couple of days before the meeting I reminded her of the meeting and that I would, of course, be dressed as would the others there. Silence. Came the day and she was going to a religious meeting about the time I'd be going to my meeting. I decided to get cleaned up and dressed earlier as she was gone on an errand and I could be gone before she came home. Oops!

I was coming out of the bedroom, all dressed and ready to leave when she came into the bedroom. Her reaction was "OH-MY-GOD"! She ran out of the room and would not see me off. After the meeting I got home and she was still gone. Waiting for me was a letter of ultimatum. Basically, "Stop or we split ways." Wow! That was cold but not really unexpected, I guess.

Now I am looking for housing and trying to piece together a new life. Well, that's how it is sometimes, but it does hurt.

[sherri52]

I'm real sorry for your ultimatum letter. I have gone through similar without a letter and it is a very difficult time to go through. If you find you need support I am on line almost all day, give me a PM or email. I have great ears and a soft shoulder

[Bobbie Bee]

Wow Brandi, your situation is a tough pill to swallow. I hope everything works out for you, but doesn't it make you wonder just how much your mate really cares about you? After all, they are just clothes.

[celeste26]

This is why so many of us suggest telling people about our activity long before marriage so these scenes dont happen. Too late for this one but be warned about the next time. I sincerely hope that some sanity can remain and an amicable separation can come of this. If not then "duck and cover" and expect to get the worst of it.

On the other hand you will be able to dress, if the mood ever returns.

BTW not all religious people are this way, sadly your wife was, but please dont paint them all with the same brush.

You are in our prayers, good luck.

[Bunny Girl Zoe]

Sorry to hear of the letter and ultimatem

[Sandra]

Brandi

Did you just tell her what you were going to do or what you had done? Or did you actually sit down and talk all of this through with her.

Because your post comes across as all for you, and the fact that you tell her about your cding, and then at the same time you tell her you've joined a support group and are going to a meeting. Did you bother to ask her how she felt about this or if she wanted to attend with you?



but doesn't it make you wonder just how much your mate really cares about you? After all, they are just clothes.


What a load of crap :Angry3: perhaps if people talked more to their partners and listend to their worries and concerns, then things may work out better.

As for it "just being clothes" a lot of GGs would not agree with you there, infact it a hell of a lot more than just clothes.

[Mirani]

After all, they are just clothes.

No, no, no, no !!!!
They are an outward expression of an inner "spirit" (self/need/put your own word here).
Speaking for myself, I want the clothes because they say who I am.
Even before I went 24/7, I wore the clothes, put on the makeup and did my hair so that my femininity had expression and with luck, the world would treat me as a woman.

From what I see and read, for many if not most of us they are not "just clothes".

It is very unfair to expect an SO to view it as "just clothes" and therefore no surprise that the response is severe.

I am sorry when a relationship goes sour, but from what the OP has said - it is hardly a surprise.

[StaceyJane]

That's really rough, I feel bad for you and I hope that things can be put back together.

[DonnaT]

A couple of weeks ago I sat my wife down and told her about my being a life-long CD . . .

Now I am looking for housing and trying to piece together a new life. Well, that's how it is sometimes, but it does hurt.

Two weeks? Really? Just like that? Boom done!

No discussion, no counseling, no invite for her to join the meeting, or here?


I've had ultimatums, but being able to communicate with my wife, we've been together 35 yrs.

[Ruth]

Brandi, it's no use being wise after the event, but you went about things very fast here.
I think your wife would have appreciated being eased into the whole thing rather gradually.

[Natalia]

I sat my wife down and told her

how important it is to me

I also told her
and would be going

I reminded her
I would, of course, be dressed
I decided
She ... would not see me off.
That was cold but not really unexpected, I guess.



I read your sad post seveal times and noticed that there is a lot of you...but no discussion of asking her anything...

You "sat her down" , you "told her", you "decided" - did you listen or ask?

Is it really too late to try and talk? Perhaps simply asking her how she feels can open up a conversation.

I could not end a relationship with my mechanic as clinically as you seem to be ending your marriage.

Sorry if this comes off as unsympathetic, but I just don't see or hear any conversation, just what sounded like an ultimatum from you.

[Holly]

Communication is a 2-way activity. Anything else is a lecture. You said you thought everything was alright when you told her of your CDing past, your joining a support group, and you going out dressed. Did you ever ask her? Her reaction, while regretable, should not have been unexpected. Sorry hon, you dropped the ball on this one.

[Shelly Preston]

Brandi
As others have said communication is the key
It seems the silence when you said you were going dressed says a lot. You should have then asked for some sort of comment but sadly it to late for that now

Ultimatiums have a habit of not having the desired affect
I am sure your wife would love you to stop. The fact she has only known for two weeks she has not even had time to get used to the idea of your dressing, and then you drop the bombshell about going dressed to your group meeting.

It may not seem like that to you but I am sure it does to her.

You and your wife need to sit down and have a long talk and you also need to be prepared to answer her questions.

[charlie]

Wow! Perhaps you could go to a counselor and have a bit of dialogue before your marriage blows up. Four months ago, my wife threatened divorce, cried for three weeks and told me how abnormal and weird I was when she found out. She now does not like the idea, still thinks I'm weird, but is home when I get there and a great wife and partner. Try to talk and move forward and not away if you want to be with her.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Brandi,

I'm so sorry for what both of you are going through. As I read through your post, It was like watching the first part of a predictable movie and knowing the ending was going to be.

This reads as the wrong way of telling a spouse ANYTHING, put yourself in her shoes ? How would you react seeing your spouse dressed as a Lumberjack with a trouser snake, marine haircut mustache and beard ?

You need to establish communication first.

Kelly

[Leslie Langford]

I read your sad post seveal times and noticed that there is a lot of you...but no discussion of asking her anything...

You "sat her down" , you "told her", you "decided" - did you listen or ask?

Is it really too late to try and talk? Perhaps simply asking her how she feels can open up a conversation.

I could not end a relationship with my mechanic as clinically as you seem to be ending your marriage.

Sorry if this comes off as unsympathetic, but I just don't see or hear any conversation, just what sounded like an ultimatum from you.

...but reading between the lines, it would appear that this is a marriage where confrontations and ultimatums are the rule, with the wife often drawing a line in the sand. At the end of the day, she is Brandi's wife i.e. partner, and not her mother who gets to set all the rules. Perhaps Brandi's directness in communicating her needs so bluntly was born of a desperation of "No!" always being the default answer from her wife no matter what she wants to do.

Some wives are control freaks, and you cannot reason with a bully. Brandi's wife revealed her true nature through the "my way, or the highway" ultimatum she gave her. Good for Brandi for standing up to her. It may be a jolt at the present time, but in the long run, she will recognize that liberating herself from such a one-sided and confining relationship is probably the best thing that ever happened to her.

[LACD]

That's a tough one Brandi. But as mentioned maybe you needed to go a little slower. Talk, talk, talk is the way. Maybe her religious beliefs moved her to think like that. I hope things go the way you want them to.

[jenifer m.]

wow that really sucks brandi i feel your pain i had a similer blowout with my wife about five years ago,but some how we got through it.best of luck girl.

[Cassandra Lynn]

The march of the lemmings.

[Jodi]

You may want to get a good lawyer now. Property settlements can be really messy. Whatever you do--do not hastily move out of your house. If she wishes to split, she should do the moving out. In a property settlement, whoever is living in the house has the advantage on possession.

Jodi

[AKAMichelle]

It's tough to tell someone and even tougher when that person turns there back on you.

Good Luck!

[Di]

Wow talk about ultimatums,just by reading your post it sounds you gave her the first ultimatum
ummm I kept something this from you x amount of yrs....this the way it is....this is what I will be doing,
You had your life to accept yourself and she had two weeks.
I hope you can talk things out communication and understanding is the key.

[Karen564]

Wow talk about ultimatums,just by reading your post it sounds you gave her the first ultimatum
ummm I kept something this from you x amount of yrs....this the way it is....this is what I will be doing,
You had your life to accept yourself and she had two weeks.


That's the way I read it too....

And to be honest, my heart goes out to the wife,
I can't imagine her having to deal with all that without being emotional and suddenly feeling so isolated & helpless, among a million other emotions if I suddenly saw my husband all dressed up as a woman, so I would of left too...

Sorry, but I always feel so sad when hearing about another womans heart & dreams shattered again..:sad:

But who knows, she may change her mind, one never knows, only time will tell...All I can say is, shes hurting really bad, and from this moment on will affect her for the rest of her life..

[Veronica Nowakowski]

There's a lot of jumping to conclusions here. What we do know is that she said she was fine with it and then suddenly changed her tune. She did not discuss it with him, but rather laid out an ultimatum. Whether they discussed it beforehand or if he did the talking and she said she was fine with it and chose not to express herself is unknown at this point.

[gabimartini]

Sorry, Brandi. That's a tough spot to be in.

Any chance of a good talk between the two of you, prior to splitting for good? Think it would be important for her to express her feelings and for you to listen to her, and vice-versa. Maybe you two can still find some common ground.

Best of luck!

[AriannaVillota]

There's a lot of jumping to conclusions here. What we do know is that she said she was fine with it and then suddenly changed her tune. She did not discuss it with him, but rather laid out an ultimatum. Whether they discussed it beforehand or if he did the talking and she said she was fine with it and chose not to express herself is unknown at this point.

The voice of reason.

I'm sorry that she reacted like that, and hopefully this is something that the two of you can still work out. Perhaps give it a few days and try to sit down and talk with her about things, see if she has questions. I know I'm seeing things through rose tinted glasses, but if you've been married x years, hopefully this won't be the end of that.

[Karen564]

There's a lot of jumping to conclusions here. What we do know is that she said she was fine with it and then suddenly changed her tune. She did not discuss it with him, but rather laid out an ultimatum. Whether they discussed it beforehand or if he did the talking and she said she was fine with it and chose not to express herself is unknown at this point.

OMG, Who's the one jumping to conclusions now..:brolleyes:

How do You know what she said or didn't say or do...Were you there?

Your only hearing on side of the story here..

[NathalieX66]

Hi Brandi,
You have no idea what's on her mind until she finally aknlowledges exactly what a crossdresser is.

Hopefully time will heal the wounds. You have my prayers.

I am now at the point that I will show a picture of myself en femme as a litmus test, in order to avoid shock down the road.

Maybe being somone who lived & lives in all the big metro areas of the northeastern US (Boston/NY/Philly/Balt/DC), and hangs around an eclectic artsy crowd, I take such open-mindedness for granted.

I probably would have gone through great lengnths to explain exactly what/who a crossdresser is, including being a faithful loving husband, with examples to prove.

Anyway, sorry to hear that you are going through such rough times.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

OMG, Who's the one jumping to conclusions now..:brolleyes:

How do You know what she said or didn't say or do...Were you there?

Your only hearing on side of the story here..

Rereading the first post, I may have. I somehow translated "I thought it was good for both of us" as "she was fine with it." But that doesn't make the other accusations any less of jumps to conclusions. We don't know how she reacted originally.