Miss Ashleys Diary please don't read LOL

[Ashley Allen]

I am so conflicted... and I know I'm the only one in the world that has felt the way I do. <giggle>

First of all my background is that of a man raised by a conservativly opinionated Christian mother. My father is Christian also but he tends to be more open minded and less of the mind made up type. That said from my mother I learned the true meaning of what it is to be a follower of Christ. Charitable, kind, respectful, non-judgemental, loving of anyone that crosses her path, and quick to sacrifice her own needs for another.

This last trait seems to be a trait most in our society are lacking on, and after reading some of the GG SO comments in a thread yesterday, and listening to my SO last night, we in our lil CD/TS/TV society are not exempt from.

I have all my life had an issue with being 100% honest, and I think it comes from the fact that I learned early on to not let anyone know how I feel.

I can recall a summer day before going into Jr High, playing with a female cousin and her friend Kim. We went over to Kim's house and were just hanging as all kids do, and we went to her tree house in the woods behind her parents Southern Maine home. I just blurted out the stupid question... "Why are girls allowed to do boy things but boys aren't supposed to do girl things?" well it ended up in a tear filled session for me and Kim being in the same class at school as me, telling me I better not let the guys at school ever see me acting like this or my reputation would be ruined. Well after that day she never was my friend and don't recall ever talking to her even casually in class, she was part of that group that I was not allowed to participate with.

We all have so many stories like this. Whether when we were younger or not until we were older, it really doesn't matter. We are here to experience all that life has to offer. And when this life is over we will all be judged not based on what clothes we wore or what sexual preferences we have, nor what church we attand or religion we practice... but we will be judged on how we treat others and especially how we treated those that we made relationship commitments.

All of my 20s and most of my 30s I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, resentful of everyone... now I know this resentment was because I was not being true to myself, but rather trying really hard to fit in. Sucks when you find out all your anger isn't caused by something external, but is 100% driven by ones own choice. That choice being 100% controllable by one self, regardless of out side circumstance. Well even with this knowledge choosing to be present within myself and choosing to smile and spread joy rather than discontent can be difficult, and I am still not very good at it, but at least I try and recognize the need to try.

My biggest set backs seem to be related to my lack of good communications skills. I'm great at listening, and can write my thoughts out, but to open my mouth and spout, well that's difficult, and once I get angry, well I start saying things that just aren't fair and usually meant to be hurtful. My only recourse is to try and not get angry cause, "you wouldn't like me when I get angry" grrr the Hulk.

Well I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I am sure on how it relates to CDs. In my life, there is not the man personality and the woman personality... they used to feel seperate, but that's because I suppressed for so many years, there is just me. Sometimes I am feminine and sometimes I am more masculine, I'm rarely macho, and usually too submissive.

I love chick flicks and don't care who sees me cry, or not anymore anyhow. I love wearing high heels, because being 5'7 I may not be short but I also ain't tall.

I'm guilty of enjoying dressing pretty because of the positive attention I get, even if some of comes from pervs that just want a piece... back off I can handle myself. But I am a flirt by nature, and haven't been able to suppress that. I am an admirer of women, they exemplify the nature of God and all that is virtuous and beautiful, so no surprise I wish I was one of them.

I am not one of them in body, but I am in soul and look forward to walking in heaven with all my sisters. But not looking forward to it enough to sit around and wait for that day. Today is the first day of the rest of eternity, and NOW is the only moment that counts, and that will also always be true for the rest of eternity.

Amen for now. May my father in Heaven always be proud even when those that I love here on earth are not.:o

[Amy Lynn3]

Ashley, you spoke of God in your family and I think its great to have an anchor in life to hold on to when hard times and trials come our way. Jesus is mine and I run to Him when I find people do not always do, say or act out the way they should.

My point is.....people use many things in life for an anchor, such as drugs, gangs and the list is endless. In my opinion you should continue to do what Mom taught you and you will never go wrong. All others will pick their own anchor in life and that's fine, but for you, just do what is best for you and sit back and watch the world go by.

[Ashley Allen]

Today I am smiling. Of course the sun is out and spring is coming fast, I love this time of year.

I confessed to my SO some pretty deep routed thoughts, and being condemed for them... cause a real man would never even think about such things.... which I know for a fact is complete bs. Men are pigs and can think of the most vial acts, it is the ability to make a decision to act or not act upon our thoughts that differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

I'm going to keep this entry short,as I have alot to do this morning, but didn't want to go a day wiithout an entry.

If your reading.... I thought diaries were personal and here you are reading it.... I know I always have a hard time not reading an open diary myself.. LOL besides I'm just kidding read away. Of course I am glad I am not getting tons of comments, but plenty of readers.

Please bless this day that no one has to be hungry, cold, wet, miserable, unloved. Please bless those that are mean to others with different cultures and opinions, that they may open their hearts and be kind and loving to all. Most of all bless my family and friends with happiness this day. Thank You my father, thank you for this beautiful world and wonderful people to share it with.

[Cassandra Lynn]

What a wonderful thread you have started Ashely, it has touched me in many ways. I have come to accept myself for my inner attributes that i now recognize as being more commonly related to genetic females, just as you have said. And for which i am Grateful. In fact i have had several occasions where close female family and friends have told me "you seem to really unerstand how i feel" or "your so easy to talk to" and i also am openly emotional (cry easily and often). One thing your post brought to my mind is that awful notion of "nice guys finish last", as i've had near girlfriends who always told me when letting me go that "your such a nice guy". Which in my mind at least is saying your too soft for me. Chalk it up to societies norms i guess. Anyways keep it coming dear! :) mj :)

[jenifer m.]

well spoken even i got a tear in my eye.god bless .

[sherri52]

Ashley never let your feelings stay inside of you. Yes there are people that should stay in the dark on some matters, but you shouldn'y feel shame because you cry at movies. Let the macho men of this world be by themselves, you and many of us just like you both here on the forum and those that are not, shall inherit the world for we see the light and can understand both what men and women feel.

[Lynn Marie]

Thanks for posting Ashley. I'm not sure what you are conflicted about, but I feel I understand your heart. I noticed on your avatar "New England Angel". Angels are messengers of God and do His bidding and fight battles for Him. I've done the work of angels at times in my life. Maybe in some way we are them. Maybe not. May you fear nothing and continue to represent Him as an angel of the most high God.

I love your posts.

[Ashley Allen]

Thanks Lynn. the conflicted comment was humor... if ya can't tell I like to write, and ya gotta start with something that will catch their attention and humor is an obvious opener. I thought it would be an obvious sarcastic comment.

I'm conflicted for a number of reasons to be honest

I want to stay with my SO, but she not only disapproves but even if I was willing to stop, someone you love will never ask you to not be yourself. That's a conflict.

My society says we live in the land of the free... but I am rejected because of clothing style choices. Huh? That's a conflict.

I could go on and on. but I think the point is made. I love this sub culture because they are by nature accepting of others.. for the most part

[krissy]

:hugs:I LOVE IT ,

i feel like that too. you hit it on the head :hugs:

[Cassandra Lynn]

.......or the land of more freedoms than most coutries". Doesn't sound quite the same in the National Anthem huh? And yes we are free to dress how we want ppl, don't come undone, it's more a figurative comment than a literal one, especially when it comes to the matrimonial boudior. mj

[Ruth]

Ashley, in your first post you said something that really sounded like my younger self - the words about resentment and having a chip on your shoulder.
This is something that happens when we try to suppress a basic part of ourselves. I've come to realise this through life experience and some therapy. The bottom line is that for most of us here, CDing is basic, it's not going to go away, so to live reasonably contented lives we have got to accept it and integrate it into our living arrangements. And of course for married CDers this means making some kind of deal with your wife. It sounds like this is not going well for you, and I hope you get there sometime soon.

[Ashley Allen]

I have been paying a lot of attention to my behaviors as of late, and something keeps resonating in my thoughts. My behaviors seem to be akin to those of an adolescent girl.
-I secretlively buy and use makeup, and make sure to wash it off before getting home. Even now that at home it is out in the open with my SO.
-When I went out, thus far only the one time, I was craving to be the center of attention.
-The search for a group of friends to associate with and the disassociation from my family.
-And of course the style of clothing I choose to wear… simply meaning I look for clothes that make me look younger. Guess this isn’t necessarily a teenage attribute, and maybe more related to the fact that I am middle aged. I’m the new 30, so not really middle aged yet. Giggle.
Mostly the sneakiness and urge to avoid being caught so that I don’t get into trouble, feels like a teenage behavior.
Looking back on my life, I was a teenager when I pushed my “want to be a girl” feelings aside. Instead of doing the makeup and clothes thing, I instead tried everything I could to make myself more masculine. I lifted weights for one, and I don’t mean for strength training, I tore muscles and lifted to build. I never really was able to bulk up a lot, but I would have been a lot skinnier in the chest size if at the stage of my life I hadn’t taken drastic measures to make my body more akin to the gender it was. Even to this day I’ll try to make stupid jokes or comments that I feel like a normal man would tell. And in my head that’s the reasoning behind telling off colored jokes, swearing, allowing my anger to rise, and always trying to prove myself.
At the end of HS and right after HS, I didn’t stop worrying about trying to prove myself a real man, although, for a while my feminine soul pushed it’s way through in the only way it was allowed to. That way was in sexual preferences. I never admitted to anyone and before I ever had to I found myself to be a young dad. This girl was in my life because of her persuit and only allowed in because it made me feel normal.
Through my twenties, I don’t think I ever gave a thought to whom I was, except when the conversation of homosexuality would come up, and then I would avoid the subject and would have denied all. I lived those years, working, working, working, and partying hard when I was not. My 30s… more working working, working, and I took back up smoking, which is great for avoiding reality. During this decade of my life,(actually started in my mid 20s) I became more aware of my need to be a better role model for my kids and church on Sunday became routine. I learned a lot about how to be a good dad, but if I delved too deep into the church’s beliefs about homosexuality I would get anger and upset. Even after so many years of putting it behind me.
Then I turn 40, get hospitalized for a serious ulcer, and my feminine side comes out again. And I fought it, ignored it, and eventually gave in. This feminine side surfaced once again in it’s easiest escape path, through sexual thoughts and cravings.
At first this new side of me I kept separate, almost like dual personalities; however, as I become more and more accepting of my feminine personality, the sexual connection has dissipated. I currently am very confused about my sexuality. I realize that my male body is attracted to females, and I really am not attracted to males, although I do get a fascination from being a tease (more of the teenage girl attributes), and there is this feeling of a desire to have a protector, care taker… aka big strong man to hold me attitude. I’m not really comfortable with this to be honest, but being the psycho analyst of my self that I am, I definitely have had to confront this side of me. My theory at this point is that as my newly relearned desire to be a woman resurfaced, my societal learnings of CD/TV/TS lead me to feel “if I feel this way I must be gay” I am very glad to have met individuals that dress up and remain heterosexual, it brings a certain level of comfort to me.
If my soul is female, does the desire to bear children yearn deep down somewhere? I know at the surface this is not a factor in wanting to be or at least representing myself as a woman.
I made up my mind a long time ago to accept my life as a man. Why at the age of 41 do I find myself rethinking that decision?

[StaceyJane]

Ashley,
You asked yourself why at the age of 41 you're rethinking living your life as a man.

I think there is a midlife part of it as you realize that you will have to live your life as a man and not as the woman you feel you should be.

At 41 there still is time to bring out the woman in you but you know time is slipping away.

[MonicaJean]

Thank you for writing ! I read every word and will read every bit of it again when more time allows.

I see your hope & your horror. Your challenges and your good sides. God is working in your life...just allow him to do so. Don't worry about steering the ship, just enjoy the fact that he's been there every moment so far--seing those highs & lows--and he's with you now. Whatever the outcome, it's great to see the eyes of your heart wide open to all this.

I'm so happy for you, even though you have so many questions, that I'm on the verge of tears for your struggle and your honestly. I swear, I have seen God work so mightily & directly in people simply because they were honest with themselves. HUGSS!!!!

[eileendover]

... and there is this feeling of a desire to have a protector, care taker… aka big strong man to hold me attitude.
... I am very glad to have met individuals that dress up and remain heterosexual, it brings a certain level of comfort to me.
If my soul is female, does the desire to bear children yearn deep down somewhere? I know at the surface this is not a factor in wanting to be or at least representing myself as a woman.
I made up my mind a long time ago to accept my life as a man. Why at the age of 41 do I find myself rethinking that decision?

Ashley, please don't think that your feelings of vulnerability and nurturing can only be expressed as a female. Human emotions cover the spectrum for everyone - but they are typically confined by the unrealistic notion that they must be either/or - masculine vs feminine.

If you are willing to rethink your "decision" to be a male, how about first being willing to rethink exactly what it means to be human? Perhaps your needs to express the "feminine" side of your personality do not yet require a change in your gender. Just my :2c:

Wishing you the best as you work through your struggle :hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I made up my mind a long time ago to accept my life as a man. Why at the age of 41 do I find myself rethinking that decision?

I think we question ourselves until we finally find a balance in our life. It is hard when an SO doesn't accept and criticizes you for your feelings. My wife doesn't accept and puts me down for my feminine side. It wasn't until we were separated for a year that I finally found my balance in my life.

I took my wife to see Bride Wars. The women in the theater told my wife how lucky she was to have her husband come to the movie with her. I love chick flicks. I regularly cry during movies. I am very agressive and goal orientated like a guy. I am a mix. I have some of both genders.

[IamSara]

Ashley your last post was like reading my life. I have been the way you are in a lot of areas. I do however realize my sexual preferences of liking both women and men. I repressed those feelings and that of my feminine side for years as my children grew.
I understand what you are going through. I have a wife that would be extremely disapproving thus I don't let her know. I know, I know wrong but I choose to keep it that way at this time for a number of reasons.
Thanks for your post I really appreciated reading it and look forward to reading more if you decide to post more of your diary.
Sarah :rose2:

[Ashley Allen]

Today carries on from yetserday a bit.... ok totally

So let me set you up as to how I stay on the same subject.

I was watching a Reese Witherspoon and Mark Goldberg movie last night. It was so old, or should I say both of them were still so young. Reese was a or atleast playing a 17 year old teenage girl exploring her sexuality when she meets a hot take control kind of guy...

well anyway enough about the movie... Where I go with this is that as I watched her fall in love with Mark's character I realized something..

I have fallen in love with myself.... it sounds weird but it's true... and for someone that has literally hated himself all his life for the wrongs and hurts he has done to others... well I have been on this emotional High since the Novemeberish time frame... well except for some really rough heart breaking moments... my attention span is so short.... I can't stop thinking about Ashley (sorry for the 3rd person) and the fun I had the 1 time I have been out, and the fun it was to go shopping, and the positive feedback I get from other CD/TS/TV folk... it's true all of the signs are there... I have fallen in love again and this time I fell in love with myself!!!!!!
:love:

[Ashley Allen]

Stayed in bed late today and then had breakfast on the deck this morning.. Started an outdoor/basement project this morning and really enjoying this fine day that my father has provided the opportunity to for me to enjoy. Days like this make life worth the adventure. And for this opportunity I am most grateful.

Over the night and this morning I have been thinking about the differences between male and female energies. I have always been able to tell between a positive energy and a negative energy (joy vs anger)... and I guess since I have my eyesight I don't neccesarily become aware of my other senses that allow me to tell whom I am around... the thing is I have been thinking about different recent and distant past experiences and seeing if I can recall the chemical reactions in my body with different gender interaction. Well my male (me) to female relationships... what can I say, the joke about it having a mind of its own... I recognize my uncomfortableness around beautiful famles, around males.. well naturally that's the gender I am around the most often... and I never really had a close relationship with others of my own gender, family members .... however, I have found it strange that under normal conditions the same guys that are them selves around me in a group environment suddenly don't know how to behave when its just one on one.... I never have that problem with another female energy personality, and that's the point I am trying to make. Do other's that spend alot of time with me, thinking of the guys in the office... 17 years and you get to know someone pretty well, do they have suspicions, do they sense the female energy and somewhere on a more subconcious level it makes them uncomfortable around me.

Not that I really care about how some guy in the office thinks of me... ewww gross I hope, not to mention any name, that he doesn't want to get in my pants... ewww... sorry I know how male egos talk around each other, and had never thought of myself being the subject of topic before. On that note. I'm gonna end now... eww And to think I was thinking Company halloween party this year could be fun.... hell no... no way... no how... oh the comments I would have to endure for the rest of my career. LOL

Well that's about where my head is this morning... time to get back to Saturday chores. Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

After a long weekend of chores, hanging with the kids, and multiple family party's this past weekend, it is good to have had the time to pamper myself this morning.

All dolled up and wishing I had someone to hang with, just not the same anymore dressing up and hanging out in my home office. Really wish my SO would have some fun with this. I do have a need to run to the mall and may do that today, just so that I can get out of here looking good.

I feel so isolated when I dress at home alone. I went fromt he extreme of not allowing my self to feel feminine, to feeling feminine all the time, or most of the time, but now I am sacrificing simple things like I can't walk out the front door right now and do yard work. Unless I want to change and wash my face, which I will have to do before I want to any way.

I don't want to lead a secret life, I just want to come out and to heck with anyone that doesn't like it. But not today, baby steps for now.

I request a blessing this morning, that everyone may find peace and joy in their hearts and be able to keep a smile on their face throughout this wonderful day.

[Tara Michele]

Thank you for speaking out so clearly the feelings that are so deep within me, and I will assume in others here too. It means to much to hear my struggles and story and pain on the lips of someone else. My God continue to bless your journey!

[Ashley Allen]

I got brave and went out shopping all dolled up. the sales ladies were kind and helpful. Ended up buying a wool jacket, even though that was not what I went in for. I just wanted something light to cover my arms... not sure why I only own short sleeve. Anyrate the coat was on sale.

I looked to see if it was in XL as that style I had been looking for my SO, alas it was only in L, not surprising being on a sales rack, so I went ahead and bought it for myself.

From that store I went to the mall and walked around a bit. Went into Victoria Secrets to look at corsetts, but they don't carry any. Imagine that.

Well I was tickled pink because I didn't get any bad looks, no rude sales ladies and no bad comments from any passer by. Kept my head up high and smiled. Is it because people really don't notice, don't care, or am I passable?

Well when asked about what I did yesterday I didn't cover up.. I was honest... I said I went shoppping and showed her what I bought, this turned my happy day into another hard "I did something bad day" All I did was spend aa tiny bit of $ on myself. I'm pretty sure at this point it's because I am not buying her gifts, but rather for myself.

Well the emotional roller coaster still goes up and down.

Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

I don't know what happened to yesterdays post, but oh well.

Today is a good day. I went out shopping all dressed up a couple days ago and had an enjoyable short adventure. Still amazes me how something so simple becomes such a big deal as soon as I am all dolled up. But alas 1 fear at a time and every time I cross a fear boundry I feel so much better.

Not sure if the great smiles from the sales reps were genuine or a half laugh at the guy in the dress. I would love to know if I pass or if it's obvious? Oh well either way I held my head up high and smiled.

Took some grief for buying things for myself, but oh well, if I am not allowed to put myself first every once in a while, than that's just too bad.

Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

And lol... as soon as I submitted my new post there appears my previous, sorry for the redundancy... guess I dwell alot on single events... but I measure that up to how often I get an opportunity to be 100% me.

[Ashley Allen]

And here we go with another wonderful day.... I have been lucky and able to dress everyday this week, but, I have been doing more of the girl next door look.... no makeup, except for on Monday when I went out shopping.

Still losing weight and last night my SO treated me to dinner at a nice restaurant in town, that I hadn't been to yet. I was looking pretty good in my black slacks, black polo shirt, black shoes,a nd I left my 2 day old beard on as just a goatee. My hair is starting to grow out enough that I can put some curling gel in and it curls right up. I love having natural curly hair. Can't wait for it to grow out past my shoulders, and I hope my bangs grow in nice, but I am not as hopeful about the bangs.

Maybe testosterone blockers would help with my thinning hair on top. Hmmm

Anyrate it was good to enjoy being a man yesterday, although Ashley never went away, and I got a comment or two about a couple of girly personality behaviors that I didn't suppress.

I still think my SO really likes when my feminine side shines through and she just doens't want to admit it, but I can understand the need to appear normal, and understnad that I have known this side of me all my life, and it is mostly new to her.

Well today I am loving being me, a feminine soul trapped inside a male body... sure feels great.

[t-girlxsophie]

I was brought up in a household with Catholic Father and (Born again!)Presbyterian mother,who both couldn't handle my CDing,so I'm afraid I am left with a fair degree of Cynicism regarding religion as it appertains to us.But I would never use that to have a go to any of you who's Faith helps them through

Otherwise i must say I have the same feelings as you Ashley in that I find that the male and female aspects of my character sometimes crossover,At work I enjoy conversations more with female colleagues,and also help them with advice,which they wouldnt go near other guys with.I sometimes wonder If Macho men are trying too hard to prove something.There is absolutely nothing wrong with showing your feelings,in my opinion this trait makes you STRONGER than most,I hope you learn more about yourself and that you enjoy your life to the full.

Worst thing to write regarding your Diary is Please Dont Read,thats ensures it WILL be read :D:D

[Laura Evans]

Ashley, thanks for sharing your diary with us, you have touched me and many other girls here. I have shared many of your feelings over the years and it has taken a long time to accept myself as being normal yet different at the same time. I will never give up my feminine side. I realize now that is a God given gift and not a curse. Finally having a loving supportive SO in my life has made such a difference in that I can fully express that side of me without being put down or criticized instead I am appreciated and loved because of my feminine qualities. By the way I grew up in Maine in a strongly Catholic family to whom I have not come out to but feel that if I did I would be accepted. Thank you again, Ashley:love:

[Sharon B.]

Ashley at least you have someone to share your feminine side with. There are a lot of us that would love to share our feminine side with someone but for one reason or another don't have that option.

[Ashley Allen]

My 21 yo step daughters were down last night getting all dolled up to go out... sure did wish it was me.

My SO spent her 20s doing the clubbing scene and now our choldren are. I spent my 20s working and supporting a young family. What was left over of the paycheck... aww hell this is America... there was nothing left over in the paycheck during those years....

I wish I had been able to be adolescent during my 20s like most folks in our culture get to... I miss the fact that I did not have an opportunity to participate in that stage of my life and account that for my new desire to do just that. My So can't understand because she has never had to give up anything... even all those years she spent helping me raise my kids, she got to go out any weekend she wanted with her girlfriends, and even has gone clubbing a few times, although it has been several years at this point.

I know why she doesn't like doing that scene with me.. I'm just in denial... and these days she seems to be accepting of the fact that that stage of her life is over, been there done that, don't care to anymore attitude....
Based on last night, and other events in recent history... I have come to the conclusion that she has accepted that her life is over and now she gets to watch the kids live their life. I think most people reach this point in their life at some point and am sure that I will also... but Damn, I went from being a child to being a parent with no in between, and right now I have an opportunity at least on a part time basis to enjoy that part of my life I had to sacrifice... why can't she understand that.

Actually I know she understands that because it comes up against me in arguements.... "you never had a chance to be single and now you want to experience that" continued with how I take advantage of her, etc etc....

Take advantage, I would have ;oved to stay home for 6 years and not have to go to work, and still have money to buy makeup, clothes, drinks, concerts Women that get spoiled don't appreciate what ther man sacrifices for them.

[JOJO44]

Hi!
I am not a writer, and I tend to say very little to cause conflict.
I guess I "go along to get along" type person, and that has caused me problems in my personal life. But as most of the 'mature' girls here can tell you, "wisdom" (not intelligence) comes with age.
(I know I will catch a lot of flack over this, but again "to each, their own").
In the modern vernacular "chill". If this all came on suddenly (less than a year) she is going to need some time, and then she may never get to the point of 'toleration'. My wife still does not tolerate Jo, though she allows me to change "whenever I want", and the point is inaudible but strong, "I prefer to be with the man I married".
In her defense, she has gone with me occasionaly for a ride in the country (where I won't be seen by anyone that may know us).
So, in summation, slow down, relax. I know it is hard and that you feel that you missed out on your youth, but (contrary to what some on this site have said) many years have been invested in building your life, your marriage, your family and your career. Don't toss it because you don't want to spend a little time (ten to twenty percent of your invested years) in making adjustments to create change.
Yes you can go from a pillar of your community to a criminal over nite (good to bad), but it is nigh on impossibe to go from criminal to pillar of the community over nite.
One of the good things from the sixties "Peace out man"
Love and prayers for you and your family.
Jo

[Ashley Allen]

Thanks Jojo for the words of wisdom.

I do feel like I am diving into the deep end of the pool... driving pedal to the metal... or whatever cliche you want to use for wanting everything right now.

I always did have a taste for instant gratification, and gratification in the moment tends to out way my long term goals far too often. I blame all that is wrong in my life on the testosterone running through my veins.... or thinking with my lil brain..... giggle

Well anyway I try to avoid my urge to simply run away. First time I wanted to run away I was only 7... and have been dealing with that urge all of my life. Unfortunately I think this desire to be a woman is part of the same urge.. I'd be lying if I said I never think about just disappearing... and now I have away to dissapear, just go out and be feminine 100% of the time in some city I have no connection to. Well I have too many people I would miss, to actually do so, but I think about it from time to time. It makes me feel bad about myself.
What kind of man runs away from his responsibilities... Seems to me more and more men do just that... why not me.

Well guess my sissy self is way more of a man than a lot of testosterone filled beasts will ever be.

Any rate I think my desire to run away is just my enjoyment of change manifesting it self when not enough chnage is happening in my life. I hate rutines. Unfortunatley my SO despises change. Well I need to not always be the one to give up my wants in the name of trying to compromise, cause it ain't compromise when she always gets her way. But such is life for a submissive personality like mine. We do tend to be drawn towards a dominant personality.

[Ashley Allen]

Oh what a busy week, and how much easier it would be if I didn't get dressed up and get connected online. But I feel so much better now that I threw something simple together, and a lil blush and lipstick do wonders for the spirit.

Well work is work and I am glad I get to work form home and can take small breaks and sometimes even can get away multitasking. Between the work world and my Ashley online world.

Unfortunately referring to it as my online world is pretty accurate, cause the only folks that know me as Ashley I know online, well there is a small contingency of folks that met me on my 1 night out on the town in NYC.

I really want to expand my experience into the real world more. For now occasional shopping trips and dressing up while working from home shall have to do. At least I have somewhat of a support group from all the wonderful T-Girls online. You can always make me smile and deserve a great thanks for doing so.

My my father pour his blessings down upon all my new friends wherever in the world they may be located, so that there worries may be light and their souls joyous.

Keep Smiling

[JOJO44]

Not as fortuneate as you, I gotta get up and go to work.

BUT

I get up at zero dark thirty (0500) toss on some jeans, a blouse and a jacket and hit the pavement for a four mile walk first.

(I live so far out in the country the crows carry back packs and I see only two or three cars go by.)

Then home to shower and "its off to work we go! HI HO HI HO"

[Ashley Allen]

It's another Wednesday,

Life is generally boring, but overall things are good. Finally got lights in the back half of the upstairs working. Gotta love remodeling old houses.

Currently trying to wrap up old projects before moving on to new ones.

That said, since starting to live my life as Ashley, atleast on a part time basis, I have found I neglect other areas of my life, and this just isn't good.

Finishing this electrical project was 1 task I am glad I finally have finished.

I am learning alot about myself since accepting myself as being a feminine soul and don't intend to hide back behind a macho fake exterior ever again, but I also don't intend to hide behind a fake feminine facade either.

It is spring and that means time for new beginnings, a season of change for the better. Time ot get off my kiester and gets things done. Keep Smiling

[eileendover]

Gotta love remodeling old houses.

That said, since starting to live my life as Ashley, atleast on a part time basis, I have found I neglect other areas of my life, and this just isn't good.

I am learning alot about myself since accepting myself as being a feminine soul and don't intend to hide back behind a macho fake exterior ever again, but I also don't intend to hide behind a fake feminine facade either.

Ashley, perhaps this is the perfect metaphor. When remodeling, you don't destroy good old work, you try to preserve its natural character. But you also have to bring some things up-to-date or the house is unlivable.

Fake facades, new or old, never seem to look quite right. But when the house is true to its natural style, and sensitively enhanced with necessary modern updates, everything fits together as an integrated design.

Much good luck with ALL of your remodeling projects! :hugs:

[Ashley Allen]

I have been drawing in Autocad alot this week, and found myself sketching an apple during a con call this morning. I love to draw, but my work doesn't bring out the creative side of me. As a matter of fact the two different worlds I live in mentally require the opposite sides of the brain, and to be honest by the end of a work day I am usually so drained I don't feel like picking up a pencil. :sad:

I think Ashley is at least partially the creative side of me trying to come into play. Gotta be artistic at least somewhat to get the eye makeup on correctly. and then the design of putting together an outfit, blouse, skirt, jewelry, accessories.

No wonder I enjoy getting dolled up so much, it's a masterpiece of a composition by the time I'm done.
(ok ok maybe calling it a masterpiece is a bit of self flattery)

I have been so focused on the career, and home repairs, and healing from a semi-major medical condition last spring, that I was neglecting my artistic flair.

Well I knew after my stay in the hospital last year that I was gonna start focusing on me... and I know that's why Ashley has been allowed to blossom (atleast a lil bit)... I am starting to feel so much better... physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I ain't going back inside... no way no how... That may not mean getting dolled up everyday, and may even mean that I won't CD the rest of my life, but I doubt it. It does mean that MY goals are more important to me now than everyone else's. I come first for a change in my life. My family doesn't become less important than they were before, just a matter of priorities. I can tell you for a fact from first hand experience that if you don't put yourself first... no one else will.

I read a philosophy early in my life that said if you wish to improve the quality of life of everyone around you that you can't climb to the top and than reach down to pull everyone up... it won't work, you'll end up tiring and falling over... instead you need to be strong and allow those around you to climb on you and lift themselves up, and by doing so you will find yourself elevated also, by the ten x as many that are there to pull you up.

I have tried to practice this in my life, and it does work to a degree; however, my experience tells me that most that step on you to get to the top, never look back to pull you up with them, they just assume ( and it's why they think they love you), because they don't have to help you in return.

2010 is all about me. This is my year to shine, and I will not be hiding my light, I will be right here trying to brighten the lives of any whom wish to just look up and follow.

Keep Smiling

[eileendover]

It does mean that MY goals are more important to me now than everyone else's. I come first for a change in my life. My family doesn't become less important than they were before, just a matter of priorities. I can tell you for a fact from first hand experience that if you don't put yourself first... no one else will.

Ashley, you are absolutely correct.
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.”

[Ashley Allen]

Oh I know I missed entering into my log for a few days, but life gets busy and sometimes Ashley doens't have anything new going on.

I had to work this weekend and work went great. 2 days in close working quarters with a couple of guys and you get to know a lot about them. Not so sure anyone ever learns anything about me even after long work hours. I don't talk about myself in drab. Never really have, atleast not to folks in the office. Customer offices are different from my company office I suppose, but still I have an area of my social skills I clearly need to work on.

Not like I can tell the guys on Saturday morning that I spent Friday evening meeting some CDs in a New Haven gay bar. Oh yah I made it out again, and had a nice relaxing evenining, stayed out way too late as usual, but... it was fun.

Met a CD and GG couple. He had a bigger diamond on his finger than she did. Guess the GG knows better what a girl wants, oh well enough about them... I mostly was jealous that I didn't have one. I need a nice diamond ring instead of wearing my male wedding ring when out and about all dolled up.

Well pictures and even a short video were taken, how more public can one come out without actually coming out?

My SO threw in a comment recently about how I limited my options now that I have public profiles, she says I'll never run for public office now. Not like I was going to anyway, but I do enjoy politics and used to dream of being President as a teen. Oh well these are the things I thought about when asked if she can take a group pic with me in it for use in their Sisters' profile.

I have come to the consclusion that I am not doing anything even embarrassing, or that I should be ashamed of. I keep my styles away from the Hoish clubbing outfits. Although I may need to ho up some time and go out dancing... lol.

I get nothing but compliments when I go out. Of course getting hit on by a gay guy whom is currently hanging all over his assumed boy friend at the bar... well guess thats not really an unbiased opinion. Oh and I guess being told by a complete stranger that you are incredibly gorgeous isn't really being hit on, so I'll keep it chalked up as a compliment. Just because I can.

Oh and being told I look like I'm in my 20s, (different guy). Well I guess with the right clothes and a little makeup I probably do look a little younger. I know I got a snicker from the waitress the other day in drab mode when I asked why I didn't get carded.

Well reading back over this, I seem to have a lil bit of a conceded outlook about myself today. Oh well, I am handsome and I am beautiful... one should be happy with themselves. :-)

It's a great day to be alive. Keep Smiling

[Frédérique]

I just blurted out the stupid question... "Why are girls allowed to do boy things but boys aren't supposed to do girl things?"

Boys are not supposed to do girl things, but they are allowed to at their own risk – this is the life lesson one learns by trying to be different. Whether you have the courage to be different or you eventually “give in” to the expectations of others is completely up to you. Don’t you think girls have similar gender hurdles to clear? I suppose they have female role models to emulate, while boys have little or nothing to hang on to – the people they need to look up to are ridiculed, or worse, and the path ahead is unknown (at best)…:straightface:

I saw a TV commercial last night where a man was building a tree house for his little girl. She was so overjoyed she made her father a peanut butter sandwich, but I kept wondering if the father would build a dollhouse for his son, I mean if his little boy wanted one. Now, that would be a great commercial, but you’ll never see it in the current gender-specific climate of network television. Why is that? Well, it would go against everything we are told is correct from day one, and you really need to look into why that is going on and will continue to go on. I don’t have enough space in this little typing box to adequately tackle this complex issue. If you’re interested, you might want to begin studying history in the Bronze Age (or before) and go from there. You’ll come across the reason why boys are not supposed to do girl things – I won’t tell you what it is, but keep your eyes wide open and it’ll soon dawn on you…:eek:

[Ashley Allen]

HMMM Frédérique....

I know this is my diary and not a topic thread but you got me thinking. I have to admit I have not studied history and may want to do so. However, I have studied the Bible and believe it to be inaccurate because of how men have chosen to translate it over the span of humanity for it's own political modivations.

I tend to believe that in Genisis the story is backwards. God created females in her own image and then decided she needed a help mate, and thus males were created to be subservient to females.

Well being a stronger animal model than the female, males didn't stay subservient, but instead took over. Now don't get me wrong thousands of years later men still have to go out and provide for their female mates while the females get to stay home, so as much as males think they are in charge it is only a clever disguise and women really run this society of ours. Or maybe things are just starting to come full circle, not sure. Lots of holes in my theory.

Well our egos have developed this safety net in the male ego to demand that they be superior, also known as an inferiority complex, and thus they prove themselves inferior to females by demanding that they are superior. But it is this ego safety mechanism that tells the male individual that it should reject feminine traits. I believe that mechanism is growing weaker in the male ego for multiple reasons.

Over the generations man kind keeps having wars, and the males on this planet thus are numbered less than half of that of the females. Nature has done it's thing, like it has in other species and so we have a lot of female souls coming to this physical world in physical male animal bodies. Because males keep killing themselves off.

I know this is all theory, but this theory addresses why the male ego has such a powerful need to take care of females, it is designed into the male EGO/DNA to help the female gender, it is a basic fundamental part of the male ego blueprint.

In order to believe this you have to believe that nearly every religion on our planet is not 100% accurate. Which of course is why last time he/she or they visited someone on this planet they told that prophet to not join any religion, because they are all wrong. The god head is made up of a Father, Mother, and son, and it is safe to say that child in the model could just as likely be a daughter. But again you would have to conceed that the male dominant version of religion is false in order to believe this.

Wow I am way off on the deep end this morning. We don't have to know everything to succeed in this life, and thus the need for this theory is unimportant. we just have to allow ourselves to experience joy and spread love to everyone we meet.

Keep Smiling

[eileendover]

A book you might find interesting. http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Superiority-Women-Ashley-Montagu/dp/076198982X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270568860&sr=1-1
from Amazon:
'... the debate over biology and culture over sex and gender, over genetics and gender roles has certainly been one of the most passionately contested. ..."The Natural Superiority of Women" stands as one of the original feminist arguments against biological determinism. An iconoclast, Montagu wielded his encyclopedic knowledge of physical anthropology in critique of the conventional wisdom of women as the "weaker sex," showing how women's biological, genetic, and physical makeup made her not only man's equal, but his superior. Also a humanist, Montagu points to the emotional and social qualities typically ascribed to and devalued in women as being key to just social life and relationships.'

[Ashley Allen]

To Be or not to Be......

My So got caught up in the emotional cycle again yesterday. After a very good evening the next day she couldn't wait for our son to go to bed. Then she dissapeared for a while on her own, I assume she was chatting or talking with her support structure. Then she came down stairs and started her interogation about me going out last Friday.

It doesn't help my cause that these T girl get together are at gay bars... and I can't honestly explain to her that it's the accepting environment that is why they are usually at gay bars. It didn't even calm her down when I mentioned there was a GG and CD engaged couple there. Actually there were alot of GGs there. But location of get togethers is not what I need to document this morning.

It'sind of 2 fold. I have an issue with communication and she can't understand why it's easier to come out to complete strangers that are like me, than it is to discuss my emotions directly with her.

Of course it might be because when I try to talk to her.. if I bring it up in a humorous mode than she says it isn't funny and I am just trying to use humor to torture her. That pretty much ends the conversation. If I try to bring it up casually I get the same response. If I wait for her to bring it up, which is the normal way we communicate, because of the first 2 reasons, than she is in an angry emotional condition. This is the worst time to try and be open and honest, because she is not listening at this point out of interest in getting to know me. She is listening with the intent to use whatever I say to further hurt me. This is pretty much psychology 101 anger managment, but knowing how the emotional cycle works in a chemically/ hormone driven creature, really doesn't help take the sting out of it. Plus it doesn't really take much for me to get wrapped up in the anger.

I learned about my anger over a decade ago, and my best way of dealing with anger is to stay away from it. When someone brings it to me, through their desire to involve me in their controversial issues I am only human and I can get wrapped up in the anger energies just as easily as anyone else. And "you wouldn't like me when I am angry".

The second part is what do I expect out of this. My SO says I have this seperate secret world, and it feels that way. I don't like it. But I am told I am sick and disgusting by the same person that tells me she loves me. And that I have to stop because she will never accept me for who I am. I know when she is allowed to be lonely for a few days and starts missing me, she accepts me at least a lil bit we have a good time, then the next morning she will be so distant, which is followed by the anger interrogations that evening or the next day. She demands answers to questions that I don't have answers for, many of these questions are the same answers I am searching for. I can see the next morning the regret for allowing herself to be wrapped up in this relationship, it has been the same cycle for 9 years. The cycle has to end, even if it means giving up on the relationship, its not what I want. I have hope that we can get out of our rutts get over our petty societal rules that are used to define us. I am me, before I am your husband, your brother, your son, your colleague... if you wake up tomorrow in a world where everyone accepts murder in an arena as entertainment, does that mean you should also. Just because everyone else is throwing stones at the prostitute doesn't make it alright for you to do so also.

I honestly wish more christians would read the new testament for real and act as Christ did, rather than worrying about behaving with a better than thou judgemental attitude.

Hun, I hope you do read this. It's as much for your eyes as any stranger that happens upon it. I hope it helps you as much as it helps some other person that has to experience the same emotions, questions, societal stereotypes, etc.

You put on makeup all the time, if you can do it, then I am not evil for doing it either. It makes me feel good about myself, which is the same reason you do it, and the reason why you don't want me to. How dare I feel good about myself.

[Ashley Allen]

Well another day, sometimes the days just blend together and this is one of those days.

I've been looking forward to this trip out of town so that I could get dressed up and go out. But now that I am alone and all dressed up, I don't feel feminine nor feel like going out.

The day started early and the work day didn't go so great. Maybe I am simply just tired. I know I am bored.

[Ashley Allen]

Well I did end up going out the other night. It was a good night, had a lot of fun. The next night was get together that I was looking forward to. I spoiled the second night by being i recovery from the first, but still enjoyed a relaxing night. The group moved their get together to a different bar, and Thursday nights at this new place is apparently lesbian night. Lots of GGs around. It was fun just the same

So I have been out a few times now away from home, and have gotten past the excitement that the fear factor brings to this. This time I found that catchinga cab in NY isn't always easy and I must have walked a half mile in high heels before I caught a cab. That after being on my feet all night in the first place.

Well the friendliest person to me the entire night was a bar tender at a normal cafe, that took my order. The night before the gay couple at the restaurant and then they showed up at the bar later, were very easy to get along with. Wait that is un fair alot of the GGs at the bar were very friendly to me also. Oh and I went into a gentlemend=s club dressed up and the lady bartneder actually conversed with me, it was brief, but was there a female to female bond there. I don't know if I am mistaken for a GG, but I certainly have been asked that a few times. I guess it doesn't matter, really. Over all I can say in a straight place, gay bar, or hanging with a bunch of lesbian GGs, I am treated better as a woman than I am treated as a man, by both male and female genders.

Thus far I am chalking it up to the Gay and lesbian culture being a more accepting bunch of folks. I may be miss-lead there as I am new to the scene and don't really fit in, nor do I really really know anyone one closely in that sub culture group.

I do know one thing, I am tired of not being me... and currently I don't know if that is me desiring to be feminine more often or if that is me thinking I am carrying this too far too fast, and O should just take a break.

I did make up my mind about one thing. I need to find a style for me that doesn't require a wig, as that makes me feel like I am in disguise. I don't want to be in costume, I think that is what drag is all about, I just want to be me.... and that is someone a bit more feminine than I used to allow myself to be a yet someone masculine , as that is who I physically am.

[Ashley Allen]

Well now I have gone out locally, and met a nice yet quiet TS that is local and we chatted a bit. Wish I didn't suck at names so bad. I actually met several CD girls and there was even a drag show thing going on.

Best part of the night was hitting the dance floor. I gotta be honest I wasn't feeling very Ashley, but went out anyway. After getting comfortable I hit the dance floor and was feeling teh normal "white men can't dance" attitude, but after a few minutes on the floor I was shaking my booty. (OK Ok I don't really have a booty to shake, but I did so anyway)

The drag show was very high energy and I gotta admit it looked like a lot of fun. Not sure I am ready to be in the spot light though I did think I would really enjoy performing.

I used to perform. When I was in my late teens and early 20s I did community theatre and I could belt out a high tenor with a lot of rehearsal. I recall the end of that era. That was time in my life that I stopped being me. I recall being really hard hit financially after losing teh second job in my immature career. I had been pretty busy between the office and my theatrical life and continued my evening adventures even after hitting the unemployment line. After several months of basically losing everything I had to give up and move back into my parents with my young wife and 2 kids. Well I never ended up moving back in at that point and how I went from homeless and into another apartment during the course of a single day is for another story. What is important in this story is that when I moved out of Sanford, ME with my lil family in tow, I made a decision that i would not allow my social/entertainment/ theater life to get in the way of me supporting my family again, and I haven't stepped back on stage since then.

It's so sad to see someone give up on their dreams, and yet that is exactly what I did, and I have been pretty miserable to be around ever since. Lost 1 marriage, and losing a second now. First because I couldn't let go of my anger, and the second because she won't let go of hers.

Being Ashley is still fun, but it is no longer producing those endorphines that I got so addicted to.

Well 1 nite out locally and I think I have seen where to get my next endorphine fix from. There is no greater feeling than the energy one gets from being in control of an audiences emotions. I used to love singing a sad song on stage and watching the people cry in the front row, or being part of a comedy routine and listening to the audience laugh. And when you can make someone smile, especially someone that was sad before, there is no better sense of joy in the world.

I am an endorphine and adrenoline junky... Any one want to go jump out of a plane with me? No ok, guess I should stick to safer thrills for now. Love ya all.

[Ashley Allen]

In my last entery I spoke about going out local in my area. Well that means I had to come home after going out. I had dressed and put jeans and a sweatshirt over my outfit before leaving, then the wig, makeup, and heels went on in the car. This was because I had children at home when I left.

The SO had girls night out plans and had confirmed with me several times she was spending the night at her friends.

When coming back home, it was late and the house was dark, so the children were in bed, and so I took off the wig and put on my ball cap and went into the house. Now I was in jeans not in a dress, so that may have made me feel safer making the short hop between car and front door, but just the same I was mostly dolled up still. I got in teh front door and the house was silent and dark. A quick check on the kids without actually going into their room and then I went to the bathroom.

Well in my house the bathroom is at the end of an open dining room and living room area. The living room was total blackout when I left the bathroom, hadn't changed yet.

So here I stand bathed in light from the bathroom and that's when I notice my SO on the couch. She had parked around the corner and was silently waiting for me. OMG.

There was no fight that night or the next day. We did talk a lil bit about it. Currently I await the next anger episode to learn how I didn't consider her emotions, etc, etc but I may be wrong.

My more optimistic view has me feeling like, well maybe the end of all things is not really upon our relationship. We have had some really good moments since all this has come out and in some ways communication is improving. I see some signs of acceptance on her part. Not in acceptance of my CD ways, but she has started to make an effort, such as she went to the skate park with me and the boys yesterday. Usually if it isn't about her, she doesn't have anything to do with it.... but she is softening up a bit. I fear that it is just because she currently feels hurt and that as soon as I stop acting in an "inaapropriate manner" she will revert back to the it's all about me or I don't care attitude.

I think she has to do some self reflecting these days cause I am being very selfish... and when she points it out in me I just point it right back as in you do the same thing. Of course in our society a woman is supposed to pamper herself at the expense of whomever her "partner" is. My attitude is that women with their new found freedoms and rights in our society want their cake and want to eat it also. "A man should provide for his woman" but if the man asks his partner to recognize the fact that he is giving to her on a daily basis because every dime spent on rent is him doing something nice for her (as she doesn't have to pay rent with her income), well this gets thrown back as he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him. OMG I do appreciate all the house work and parenting and everything else that is split equally down the middle, but when I ask for appreciation for all the things I bring to the relationship that she doesn't help with... well, not allowed. I must face the fact that I am a male servant living in a female controlled society, and if I step outside of my boundries or even v erbalize my opinion then I am a bad evil dirty person. BAH HUMBUG.

I hereby declare to rebel, I will dress how I want and present myself how I want.

Oh it is beautiful out today. Thank you father for all the wonderful moments life brings to me. Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

Oh it's another beautiful day in New Hampshire.

It's been since last Saturday night since I last put on makeup and got dressed up to see Ashley looking back at me in the mirror. Every once in a while I can see her in my eyes just the same. And you know she is a huge part of me internally, not really seperate from the whole me anyway.

My bangs are growing a bit. At this pace it will take my hair a year to grow to any kind of length, though.

I finally did my exercise routine this morning again. It had been 13 days, I'm slacking. This said I have been riding BMX bikes down at the skate park with my sons, so it's not like I'm getting no exercise. I can drop into the rink and can drop out also. Slide the bike down one of the taller ramps when I tried to go to high, and tumbled backwards once trying to show off for my SO. Me, at 41 yo, she's not too impressed by me acting like a teenager.

Well my opinion, I'm not too impressed by people that think because you get older you should start watching life instead of living it.

I'm really very bored going through my daily routines. I need some serious change. Becoming Ashley is a slow process, and even then I am tired of going out dolled up and standing around drinking. Dancing last Saturday night was fun and outside of my element. Gotta go do that again.

I sold my truck yesterday. Took a pic of her up on the tow truck. I never had the time to fix her up and get her back on the road, hopefully the new owner will get her going. Just as likely she will get torn apart for parts. I really didn't think it would bother me to get rid of it, but it does. I think it represents me giving up on something and I don't like that. Oh well I have my house and myself to work on and I don't have time for a project vehicle.

Hmm just thought about something about me... I never take on anything that is good just as it is. My house is a fixer upper, my truck was, I am not content with myself as I am..... children well that just goes without saying they certainly don't turn into good adults by raising themselves. I even find myself thinking my SO would feel so much better about herself if only..... no need to fill in the blank, too many options. Why can't I just accept things as they are? I know why, because everything can always be improved upon and if you don't try to improve than reality is that you are falling behind pr getting worse. No such thing as standing still in this reality.

Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

[B]I think it's time to stop dressing up. Especially going out dressed up. This was supposed to make me happier and more comfortable with myself. I have had the opposite out come. I have had fun, and am now starting to come down off the original rush of my secret being out.

My problems didn't go away, they now stare at me square in the face and the hatred of me shines through loud and clear. I don't expect this to change by putting away some clothes, but....

I think the whole point of dressing up was to put a life I hated behind me and start all over. I can't start all over, so what's the point?[

At least this is how I feel today./B]

[Ashley Allen]

It's been a week since I got dolled up. missing it, but I already bagged up my stuff. Guess it's called purging.

Not sure how this changes my new enlightenment. I certainly don't intend to go backwards. just the same I haven't really been feeling Ashleyish. Not sure I understand the difference to be honest.

Part of me is saying I was just trying to chnage too much too fast, and part of me says from time to time there will be occasion to have some fun.

The other side of me is saying kill her, be done with ot, get rid of her once and for all. Fortunately this lil voice in my head doesn't hole much priority. It ois the hate monger in me that says this. it's also the same part of me that tells me I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't act. I think this part of me is slowly dieing, giving way to the real me.

the real me over compensated and wanted to be Ashley all the time, pretend like all my problems didn't exist any longer. Well maybe I had to jump in on the deep end to learn something. Maybe I will find a middle ground that I am more comfortable with.

I don't know yet, but today is the first day of the rest of my life and that makes it the moment that currently counts.

Keep Smiling

[Ashley Allen]

Well I hate having curly hair. I am hoping when it gets longer I can do more with it. I barely have bangs and they grow slower than the rest of my hair.

Today I tried to straighten my hair. I have between 3 and 4 inches in length now, but it's still too short to do anything with. If I wet it it curls if I try to straighten it it gets all frizzy and just sticks out. And as I said my bangs, maybe an inch and a half. Bangs are gonna be a problem.

I want to get dressed up today so bad. School vacation week or I probably would. Besides still swearing I am gonna get over it. Or atleast only dress for an occasion.

This said I still want to let my hair grow and get my ears pierced, and figure out a style that is more me... gender neutral. How do you find a dress that is gender neutral though? Kilts don't count, and I ain't wearing a skirt/kilt with hairy legs.... eww gross.

That said I think I may continue to keep my arms and legs shaved. Hairs are growing back now, but I feel unclean. Don't like it.

I learned something about shaving this week. Specifically about getting a close shave. I was shaving everyday for a while so that I could dress. I was finding it impossible to get a close enough shave to hide the stache and beard (lol as if I could grow either) and was getting frustrated. Well I went about 4 days without shaving this time. I got so close a shave I could have dressed and gone out without makeup.

So lesson learned, let the stubble grow a lil bit and you will get a closer shave. For me I'm on day 2 and still could go out dressed without makeup. About day 3 will be when I get my afternoon shadow. I always felt embarrassed I wasn't man enough to grow a beard overnight. Well now I am glad I can't. Guess if I ever go out again I'm gonna not shave all week before hand from now on. LOL

[Ashley Allen]

I think by telling myslef I'm not dressing anymore, has been interpretted by my ego as I am not allowed to anymore. Thus naturally, it is all I want to do.

I should just go shopping, splurge on myself and enjoy. LOL :-)

I think I will talk with my SO this evening about this desire, how I have been holding off and still feeling like it.

My immediate desire this morning is to simply shave my legs, arms, chest and pits. I haven't ben this hairy in months and months. I feel like a hairy goony goo goo. I don't like the look of the hair stubble starting to fill in. <Evil grin> It's at a perfect length to wax right now. :devil: giggle

I should go out for the day get waxed, get my ears pierced, and my hair colored. If it weren't for this darn lil voice on my shoulder saying don't do it.... ok ok it's the fact that I am working that's is the real reason I ain't doing that right now.

Fairy god mother? I sure wish I was a real girl!!!!!

[Ashley Allen]

Dear diary.... giggle, how lame/unoriginal a way to start an entry.

My hair is really growing, it's pretty easy to keep it in tight curls with just some water, and a lil curling gel just helps the situation. I think I have had it almost to this length a few times over the recent years, but not as long as I let it get in HS, but yet... pretty close right about now. My bangs remain a problem.

I find that I do not have the strength I used to have, this is probably just an age thing, but it adds to prove the femme in me to my ego. I had to help a relative move this past weekend, and trust me I am not as strong as I was just 2 years ago. 12 moths ago I was hopitalized and this has been a recovery year. I thought I'd be back to normal by now physically, but I am not. In so many ways I am in better shape, but my strength has never returned.

Do you think maybe the 3 units of blood they gave me to bring me back to life introduced a high level of estrogen or other female hormones? Maybe that's the trigger, or maybe just the trauma of realizing I won't be living forever has just made me more aware of needing to be me NOW.

Maybe that event triggered a subconcious desire to start all over.