Honesty is blocking me from getting out the door!

[Erin Li]

A year has passed since my first time going out in public dressed. And all the testimonials I've heard/read from others are true for me. It is a rush, it is addictive. During the past year, I had a handful of opportunities to dress and go out in public, which I took. I'm not counting, but it's more than one, and less than a hundred.

Also during the past year I got married. It was and is the greatest thing that has happened to me, with a tiny, tiny exception. I haven't been out dressed since!

I've mentioned my relationship situation with my wife before, that she's accepting but not supportive, and we fall into the don't ask don't tell category. During the last year that I've been going out, she has not known, not because I wanted to lie or keep it from her, but because we kind of agreed that whatever I did while I was dressed was my business, as long as I followed some elementary guidelines (no lying, cheating, stealing, etc.). So while we were affianced, I didn't have a problem going out without her knowledge.

But now that we're married, I feel this sense of responsibility to be completely honest with her, including volunteering/sharing information she doesn't even know to ask about. I also had decided once we were married that I wouldn't go out until I had a chance to discuss it with her. And it's really hard to bring up. I've already consulted my sister, and she recommended waiting a little while, so as not to possibly force an end to the honeymoon bliss phase. But for the last month or so, I've had random days off, and early days off from work, and been so tempted to just get outside!

I feel really good about this resolve, and that I'm trying to start things off by being a good husband, but there's a little part of me that is still that little kid staring out the window, wishing to be outside playing with all the other kids. Even today as I write this, I have my purse ready to go, my emergency back-to-boy-bag loaded up, and my comfy flats on. I opened the front door, caught a whoosh of hallway breeze, and back inside I went. Guess it'll have to do for now. I might be turning a corner... in trying to be the best woman I can be, I'm learning to be the best man I can be.

[SherriePall]

Erin -- I don't have any solutions for you, especially since you are in a "don't want to know" relationship. So, do you tell her that you want to go out dressed? Then she'll know something she would rather not.
Yet, if you don't tell her before hand and she finds out or you tell her afterwards, will she be upset because you didn't tell her first?
Compounding this problem is the way you look dressed (I peaked at your flickr pics).
Hope someone else here is wiser than I on this.
Just take care and treat your wife well.

[hot_leah]

all i can say is good luck

[sherri52]

Erin: you are a very beautiful women and should get out. I have to fall back on the "don't ask don't tell" situation. She doesn't want to know about your dressing but in my opinion is letting you do your own thing if she doesn't know. Go out have a good time and get home and change before she see's you. Keep your relationship alive. :hugs:

[suchacutie]

When I was first married, going out with my work group without my wife didn't strike me as any big deal...until I started to think about what that meant. I like being out and about with my wife, so I started to ask her along. She seldom joined us but the fact that I thought about it and asked her made a huge difference. She also reciprocated with her work group. It made a difference to us.

So...here's my :2c:: I would never suggest going out without your wife's knowledge, gender presentation notwithstanding. Regardless of how hard it may be to bring up the subject of going out en femme, it will be easier than if you do and she finds out later. I don't know your wife, so I can't suggest firm ways to broach the topic, but some tried and true methods are: write a letter (not e-mail) from either you or erin (again, you know best here) talking about the elephant in the room that you don't want messing up your relationship. Then there is the standard procedure to have a couple glasses of wine and explain that you are concerned about something and you don't want the "unsaid issues" to come between the two of you.

That's really the issue, isn't it: The unsaid issues. Explaining that you don't want to do anything without her knowledge but that you are between this rock and hard place so you couldn't not bring it up for a discussion. You'll then have to wing it, depending upon where she goes with it, but the stress should be that you are committed to communication and openness. If she then says to do your thing as long as she doesn't know about it, you are on more solid ground, but even so I would revisit the issue from time to time.

good luck!

tina

[DonnaT]

Hallway?

Sounds like you live in an apartment complex. Therefore, you have to consider being seen by neighbors and it getting back to your wife.

One comment to your wife from a neighbor could be, "Who was that lady I saw leaving your place today?"

I reckon that would put you on the spot.

Otherwise, I'd say just go out. She doesn't want to know, so you are under no obligation to tell her.

But if it's going to make you feel guilty, and make you fess up. Then you'll still end up discussing something she doesn't want to hear.

Catch-22.

If you can do it without feeling guilty, then that makes it a whole lot easier. And you shouldn't feel guilty, because she doesn't want to know.

Bringing us back to whether or not you have nosey/busybody type neighbors.

[Leslie Langford]

Welcome to "Don't ask, Don't tell" Hell, Erin :doh::sad:! But at least you have one thing going for you that many of the rest of us in your situation don't - namely, the fact that you told your wife-to-be about this side of you before you got married, and she agreed to proceed regardless, entering into that formal union with you with her eyes fully open.

For those of us who didn't do that, fearing that it would merely drive our intended away and, besides, we naively thought that marriage would cure us of this odd compulsion (NOT!), our SO's now hold that power of guilt over us to be used at their discretion (pleasure?) to maintain their control over us. Fear of public embarrassment (some less inclined to be politically correct might call it "blackmail") is the other potent tool in that arsenal.

You will find over time that women's time-honored prerogative to constantly change their minds will be exercised with frustrating regularity, and that the level of your wife's acceptance (tolerance?) of your crossdressing will vary from day-to-day - or even within a given day - and is governed by so many random external and internal factors including hormonal mood swings, the ebb and flow of her feeling secure in her relationship with you, her fluctuating feelings of closeness towards you, or even whether or not you forgot to take out the trash this morning after she reminded you for the 5th time etc. In short, so much so that you will never know from one minute to the next what emotions towards your crossdressing her current state of mind will invoke in her, so don't even bother trying to anticipate them. Just go with the flow and hope for the best.

If I sound jaded in my assessment of the "don't ask, don't tell" principle, well it's because I have 35+ years of experience with this particular roller coaster ride to fall back on. I wish I had better advice to give you, Erin, but at the end of the day, ya gotta do what ya gotta do, and sometimes the collateral damage just can't be avoided.

And as for that unstoppable urge to go out in public en femme once you've experienced that particular high, well, as they say in the sci-fi movies, "Resistance is futile..." Reminds me also of the opening lines of that famous WWI song which starts out with " How are you going to keep them down on the farm, after they've seen Paree (Paris)...?" :heehee:

Bottom line - you can't help the fact that fate saw fit to give you this "gender gift" that all of us here share, you have nothing to feel guilty about because of the way you are trying to manage it (your personal mental health is also at stake here), and you did do your due diligence by informing your future wife of your situation, giving her ample opportunity to back out marrying you if it really was such a deal breaker for her. So be respectful of her feelings, compromise on some of the specifics of how/when/where you crossdress, but as for the bigger picture, your wife will have to understand that there will be times when she will simply need to cut you some slack for both your emotional well being and that of your marriage.