have to do something

[pernille d]

i am in need of a bit of help/surport as life is not fun at the moment and i have to change something before things get too bad

i have been in the closset for 30+ years of which 20 of them i have been with my wife. i hide my true self but it hard and it drains me of enegy and is messing my head up . my dressing over the last years has taken another turn as i used just to intersted in lingeri/nylons but the last few years i have been concentrating on the whole look , i wont go on as you all know the story but i dont intend to purge or quit as i am what i am that i have accepted . The problem is that i am afraid of rejection or being treated as us CD,s get treated. i love my wife and over the last few years our relationship has been getting distant so i dont know if this would be the final straw to brak the camels back as they say . i find my self tence and uptight all the time which i s not good for anyone and i wish i could just relax but i think that means comming clean about the real me otherwise i can feel myself on the verge cracking up . My wife knows there has always been something lurcking in the background and yesterday again we have talked about that i need to get to grips withwhatever it is and sort it out before i things are too late and i go under .

my wife is worried about me as she can see i am not well and something is bothering me but i find it hard to talk about things . i really dont know what to do as i know one one hand i could tell her everything and would relieve the pressure from me and maybe the old me that she says she misses would come back .or on the other hand she might not for all the other reasons we know about accept it at all , all i know is i am in not in a good state to accept such a downfall ,

a little feedback or advice would be nice .

[AmberLynn]

Wow,that's a hard rock your pressed against. Well i can only offer what i would do. The relationship being stressed allready Im not sure if coming clean with her all out would be good unless this is the cause of the strain. Alot of us have gone thru the pace's on this. When i told my wife,I got the usal question's asked "are you gay,are you sure" and there was "i dont know if i can be with someone like that" this is what it boiled down to in the end of thing's and this will sound corny if you have ever watched the mexican. "when 2 people love each other,really truley love each other. when is enough enough,never. If she truly love's you,she will be willing to work thing's out. there's a very good chance it could end the relationship,theres a chance she will say "is that it,is that what this has all been about. You need peace and happiness for you,reguardless of what others think of you. having a marrige at stake is a big stake but one i wager to fix this is one you will have to make.

Im sure the other girls will have a deeper insite or even better expirnce with this situation,i have only had to 1 time and it worked out for the best. what ever you decided,i wish you all the best :hugs:

[Vieja]

Hoo boy that is a lot of baggage you are carrying around. I wish I were qualified to give you some advice but issues like this between a husband and wife need advice from qualified people. Maybe a professional of someone here who has been there and knows what to do. I am sure there are lots of folks here who can advise you.


Vieja

[Joanne f]

I do not really think that anyone should say what you should or should not do as every situation is different but if this is effecting you as much as you say it is and your wife can see that there is something bothering you then i think it would be best to at least tell your wife that there is something upsetting you but you find it very difficult to tell her as you feel that she may feel differently towards you once she knows, i would also point out at this stage that you say that you are not having an affair as this could be the first thing that your wife may think (unless she already has suspicions of what you do already).
After that i am sure that you will have no chose other than to just tell your wife at least a certain amount of it and hope that things go well as i feel that they will .

[pernille d]

professional help maybe , but i cant hack that so advice from others that understand or know what its about is allways helpfull

[Veronica Lacey]

I believe that I echo the others in thought on this. I also believe that you perhaps have three options at hand.

1) Take the plunge and have a heart-to-heart with the missus.
2) If you currently lack the courage for #1 book an appointment (or a few) with a therapist who specializes in such issues to gain strength and guidance on how to break it to your wife. Then revisit #1.
3) Keep the current status quo, order the white jacket with sleeves in back, the rubber room and a bib for the dribble. :twitch:

You and your life are worth far more than #3 option so perhaps 1 or 2? I wish you strength for those first two options...:)

[msginaadoll]

My opinion.... Take your time in making any decision. The decision you have made to keep part of you from your wife has occured over a period of time. Dont be in a rush to out yourself so quickly. Also by unburdening yourself you may be putting the burden on someone else. Sometimes the best move may be just to learn to live in your situation. Maybe you will always be a part time CD whose spouse doesnt know. It is always a matter of what you can accept deal with cope with etc. Life is stressful, life is messy. My two cents learn to live with what you can dont take everything so seriously and get good advice and suport from others.

[Andy66]

The way I see it, simply put, if you tell your Missus what's been bothering you, your marriage might be in danger, or it might start improving.

If you DON'T tell the Missus what's bothering you, your marriage will definitely be in danger.

If it's too difficult to tell her straight out, consider writing a letter, or enlisting the help of a therapist or mutual friend to facilitate the conversation.

[Nicole Erin]

I tell ya my experience and this may reflect others -

First, after 20 years of being married, your relationship is not going to just fall apart. MAy get rocky for a bit but it will withstand.

OK so, when you tell her, the worst case reaction might be she freaks out, cries, talks about divorce, counseling and all that... If this happens, just give things a day or two.
Best case scenario is she will be weirded out for a bit and ask the normal questions we TG always get (are you gay, do you want to be a woman, how long...)

Other things might be she will talk about wishing she knew before, and about "the lies, sneaking, etc..."
Note about that - if she doesn't take well to it, I wouldn't come on this board to say cause then a lot of the ass-kissing members here (you know who you are) will start in on you about how rotten you are for hiding it or not telling before marriage (as if they did their OWN loved ones any better)

For losing your marriage, that is possible BUT, that probably will not be overnight, if it happens at all. Now me, yes that was a huge factor why I am divorced but my wife tolerated it for about 11 years and finally just decided to move on. There were other factors involved that had nothing to do with me being TG but that was a big one. Many girls here are still married and the wives are ok with their TG'ness.

How to tell her? Well, pick a good time (never easy to find the perfect moment, plan as you can) and just say, "Well, I have to tell you about something, I don't want you freaking out, we just need to talk... ...I am a crossdresser, I do it in private..."
And then, she will react, say as I mentioned above, could be calm or a scene, and after the dust settles (if any kicks up), talk about it like civil human beings. Just don't "show" her before telling. Be in male clothes.

It's gonna be damned hard. I don't know how far you are wanting to go with your femme side, but that is for you decide and you two to talk about.

She will probably react to this the same way she does to other difficult things. If she is calm about things, expect that. If she throws tantrums about everything, expect that.

She may already know, I mean how do you hide things for 20 years?
And if she is worried about you, that alone shows she cares about you.

When you explain this, try to stick to the main points initially, we all know some TG's who explain how it came to be and they go off on these tangents that are relevant to nothing. Stories like -

"...and at the time, I was working there, I ran into this guy from high school who had just put new windows in his house cause he got a cheap deal from someone he had helped cultivate their farm cause it was harvest season and there had not been much rain and they were broke and the repo man got their car they had bought the year before so he rode a bike and he happened to run into the town mayor who won the electon by a landslide blah blah blah..."

NOPE, stick to the points.