Lies, a second coming out, and the hope for forgiveness

[SuzanneBender]

The disclaimer: I lied in many of my posts. If you have followed my posts I often wrote about being out to my loved ones. It is not an excuse for lying in my posts, but having my loved ones love me despite who I am was one of the deepest desires in my heart. I lived out that fantasy in my posts. Much of what I wrote was true. I do go out often, I flew, I have met other ladies from this site, but I did it in total secrecy away from those that I love. To all of you I sincerely apologize for having deceived you.

Why am I “coming out” to you? It would be so easy to hide away in the anonymity of the internet. Few would ever know this difference, but I would and those that I care about would. I am doing this for several reasons.

First, intimacy is impossible without truth. I have been disassociated from most everyone in my life because of the fear that I am not good enough. My wife has been able to save me from this fate. Thanks to the events of the past month and her honesty I realize that I am lovable despite the truth.

Second, I want to share with you the challenges and triumphs that my wife and I experience. Ours is a cautionary tale. I am not sure how it will end, but I know that there are lessons to be learned from it and the only way to share those lessons with you is through the sometimes bittersweet words of the truth.

Third, I want you to get to know the beautiful woman that has agreed to accompany me on this journey. She is my wife and learned of Suzanne after 15 years of Marriage and knowing me almost 17 years on February 16th. Her Nome de Plume is Peri Bender. She has joined the site. She came here to find out more about the woman named Suzanne that recently entered her life. She has read most of my posts which spawned wonderfully forthright, painful and freeing conversations between her and I concerning living life as a lie or living life and embracing the truth. Peri is here for support and to give support. She is joining FAB and I invite all of you to reach out to her and help her realize how special each and every one of you are.

Lastly and most importantly, it is the right thing to do.

With any confession comes penance and my penance is the possibility of loosing some of you as friends or at least losing your trust. It is a risk that must be taken and a price that must be paid in order for me to move forward as a person. My faith leads me to believe that with penance comes the possibly of forgiveness of past sins. I hope you can find forgiveness in your hearts for this transgression and I swear nothing but honesty to my family and sisters from this point forward.

With all my heart.

Suzanne

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Susanne. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your wanting to come clean with this community. I will not be one to judge you for what you did. You made it clear as to why. The important thing is you now know it is best to be honest. Just as important as it is for you to be open with your wife. I wish you and her many more years of happiness together and without having to hide parts of you that she never knew. She now knows the depth of you. I hope it draws you both closer.
You have my respect for what you just confessed.

[Bobbie Bee]

Forget about the lies to us; they are nothing compared to the relationship with your wife. I hope you two can put this issue aside and mend your relationship. I, for one, am here for you as you are for me. Good luck Suzanne.

[Margot]

Freedom!!! Don't you feel better now?
I'm sure you're not the only person to embelish the truth. I can see no reason why any of your sisters would not forgive you as I do.
Enjoy your freedom and I hope Peri gets a lot out of this site.
:love:
Margot

[Mirani]

Hugs and best wishes to you both x

[Jessy]

I only recently joined here, so can't say I have read your past stories yet. Still I'd like to say that I respect your choice a lot. Dishonesty is one of the things that I hate most in life, but I do believe in forgiveness when people decide to come out. And confessing afterwards often takes a lot more courage.

[Rachel Morley]

Don't worry. If there's one thing we all understand it's about feeling guilty. :hugs:

I think your coming out to your wife is very important. Good luck to the both of you and through all of this remember why you love each other and what is truly important in each of your lives. In other words, focus on the other person first, and try to make each other happy.

[StaceyJane]

Suzanne, I understand and I forgive you. I know how hard this must be for you and your wife.

My wife found out about me by accident and made some false but understandable assuptions which really hurt my marriage.

I decide to be completely open about what I'm doing. I told her everything I had done including embarrasing things such as taking estrogen on my own.
Now I keep her informed about seeing my therapist en femme and my late night trips to Walmart.

For me the time for lies ended, I'm still waiting for her to come to the same conclusion about herself.

[CharleneT]

I think you made the right decision ( in telling your wife ). As for gilding the lily to us, don't worry but do remember we give better advice to real circumstances. As others have said well, it is the family that matters, we are all just online friends.

I read this note as an apology and it is happily accepted :hugs:

[Misty is Kindafem]

Suzanne,

Thank you for your honesty. It wasn't really necessary but it allows me to make a salient point about online communities.

They are always constructs.

Communities like this one are especially vulnerable to fictional narratives because most of us are so isolated in our everyday lives. Some of these poor girls are so deeply closeted that this community is all they have, and the only place to get advice and valuable cues towards their next step however small.

I've mentioned a few times that I don't take this place too seriously and cautioned others to be wary of all posts including mine. Your confession, essentially proves me right.
In most forums, I doubt anyone would care that you bent the truth a bit, but around here I think it matters a little bit more.

Think about some of the outrageous and clearly ridiculous things that people have posted (including me) that were actually taken seriously by way too many people. I'm fairly certain that you yourself have shaken your head in disbelief at some of the things that have stirred people up in recent months.

This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. I enjoy goofing around just as much as the next girl but whatever I've said about my actual life is true. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

Excuse me while I climb down off of my rather tall soap box and thank you again for your honesty. I would hope that others would now think about what they're posting and confine the fiction to the appropriate forum.

-Misty

[Sarah_GG]

Hi Suzanne... I can almost feel how painful that must've been for you. But, well done for coming clean. I look forward to getting to know Peri when she makes it into FAB.

:)

[Barbara Dugan]

I hate myself when I have to lie I bet you feel the same. I am glad you have come clean:hugs:

[minalost]

We all love you and hope for the best with you and your wife. I saw one of her posts, BTW, and was wondering if it was your wife.
:hugs:

[dorylinn]

I lived out that fantasy in my posts.

Suzanne


Well if You can't do that here... Where can you?

Truth is better than fiction. Your posts offered encouragement to us. I'm a new member but have read many posts here. I acquired enough support to come out to my wife about a year ago. things are o.k. and getting better.

Thanks All of You for letting me know I am not alone.:love:

[PetiteTonya]

The only one who should be forgiving and forgiven here is you....and no one else

[Miranda09]

Suzanne...we're all human and do things we feel is right at the time. We all have secrets we keep, mostly for our own protection, but it's not a lie to keep the truth to oneself (a Vulcan altruism!!). As long as no one gets hurt, no harm done, and I for one, value your friendship. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person...you're a very lucky....girl! Hang on to her. :)

[TxKimberly]

Susanne,

Don't be silly - you wont loose a single friend here over that. As Rachel pointed out, most of us are more than familiar with the concepts of hiding parts of ourselves, putting up facades, and feeling guilty. You have no worries there.

My heart felt congrats on sharing with your wife! Life is so much easier with out the secrets and the guilt.

[April Renee]

Suzanne, there isn't need to worry about losing friends here over a few embellishments in your posts. Stories about going out and living our lives how we want to look, act and be perceived have to be taken for what they are and how they are written. From what I know of your posts you tell us about the life of Suzanne and embracing the inner you..lies? Nah...I'd say expanding the facts and maybe giving other members courage to put their toes in the water, I for one have gained some of that from reading your posts and how OK it really is no matter how much or when we dress. Its knowing we are here to support each other and once in a while even laugh at each other. It is the # 1 community for......
.
Hugs to you both
.
April

[Ruth]

Misty has said just about everything I was going to say. There is a problem with internet forums, that is people may be economical with the truth.
There are a few people posting here whose postings I trust, for various reasons. Others, who I don't know, I read with an open mind.
I have only ever posted the truth here about my thoughts and activities, but most of the community has no way of testing this.
And the same goes for the OP in this thread, with the difference that the OP has admitted to lying.
So we really don't know any more than we did.

[SuzanneBender]

Ladies thanks for all of your forgiveness and well wishes towards Peri and I it means so much to us.


Your wife sounds like a wonderful person...you're a very lucky....girl! Hang on to her. :) I plan on it. The past month has proven to me that I am the luckiest person alive to have her as my wife.


I hate myself when I have to lie I bet you feel the same. I am glad you have come clean:hugs: The sun shines just a little bit brighter when there are not lies clouding the skies!


Hi Suzanne... I can almost feel how painful that must've been for you. But, well done for coming clean. I look forward to getting to know Peri when she makes it into FAB.

:)Peri is anxiously awaiting the verification phone call. She can't wait to be in FAB. It was painful, but the post for the second coming out only took me three days to write. My first coming out letter took me years to compose.


It wasn't really necessary but it allows me to make a salient point about online communities...

This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. I enjoy goofing around just as much as the next girl but whatever I've said about my actual life is true. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

Misty it was neccessary. You summed up the one of the reasons for my second coming out so perfectly. Hence the first lesson for others to learn from our journey. We have sisters, ourselves included, that rely on this site for support and friendship and that demands honesty. .


Remember we give better advice to real circumstances. As others have said well, it is the family that matters, we are all just online friends.
Some of the women on this site may be "online friends", but I count them among my true friends none the less. Charlene you are one of them. :hugs:


I decide to be completely open about what I'm doing. I told her everything I had done including embarrasing things such as taking estrogen on my own. Stacey marriage requires honesty to grow. I will say a prayer for you and your wife. Hang in there gal. I am sure she will come around one day.


Don't worry. If there's one thing we all understand it's about feeling guilty. :hugs:

I think your coming out to your wife is very important. Good luck to the both of you and through all of this remember why you love each other and what is truly important in each of your lives. In other words, focus on the other person first, and try to make each other happy.Rachel thanks for the kind words of encouragement. You are right about the guilt, but I was so tired of carrying it. Now is simply regret for lost opportunities because I didn't embrace the truth and I feel so much better. :D

[Misty is Kindafem]

We have sisters, ourselves included, that rely on this site for support and friendship and that demands honesty.

:hugs:

[jennifer easton]

Whoa, I'm impressed, how liberating to know some one with such honesty and morels, there are very few people in the world, which is to bad, the world would be blessed if more had a concise and respect for the truth

[Faith_G]

Suzanne, I can't condemn you for lying. How could I, I have lived a lie for 30-odd years and I still am lying in parts of my life (not out at work and with some family and friends).

We as t-folk learn very young to keep the truth hidden away from everyone else, and make up good stories (lies, actually) about ourselves to try to seem just like everyone around us. It's a hard behavior pattern to break, I congratulate you for your honesty with your wife and with us. :hugs:

[SherriePall]

Suzanne -- you know I forgive you. Most of us here have found the truth to be painful (either mentally or physically) as it concerns our dressing, either in the past or the present. So, I understand what you are going through.
Please, don't feel as though you must now shy away from this forum. I, personally, would rather have you here where we can share your pain, your happiness, your problems, and your accomplishments. And where we can share our love with you.
Take care, both you and Peri.

[jasmine57]

Suzanne- You seem to be a wonderful person who was living out a fantasy. I'm truly glad you told us the truth. Some of your posts have been very inspiring to me personally. I feel like I'm kind of in the same state of mind you are with who I am. I came out to my sister and brother-in-law last week and the acceptance is exactly what I dreamed it would be. I'm glad that your wife is coming to terms with your situation aand hers. Being sisters and friends isn't going end because you or anyone else was confused about where you are. Thanks for clearing the air and I will continue to read your post with all the admiration I did before. Good luck on your journey.

[JustWendy]

Suzanne - I saw Peri's comment in another thread about her finding out a month ago, and I admit I was confused. For me the best part of your "confession" was knowing I wasn't having another senior moment, nor did I have to get rid of my blond wigs. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Other than that, I love your posts, enjoy your sense of humor, ache for what you must have been going through, so happy to know that the two of you are working together to understand this part of your lives, and can't wait to hear more from both of you in the future.

Hugs, Wendy :hugs:

[LisaM]

Suzanne,

Thanks for your honesty and good luck to you both on your journey.

[Sarah Doepner]

Suzzane- thank you. This site is a better place today. So much of our lives are made up of the made up and it's so easy to allow it to pretty much flood everywhere. It is difficult, if not impossible to change the course of that river, because once we release it, it takes on a life of it's own. It could be that our fantasy stories are actually goals that we don't know yet how to reach. In the telling of those stories we accept and better understand both ourselves and the obstacles we face. I agree with those who recommend we lable them appropriately, but understand how easy it is to go down that path.

I try not to lie, but it's getting hard to know where and with whom I've shared the whole truth. There isn't much difference and I wouldn't take it as high moral ground because it's not. I do know that the truth may make life more difficult, but it makes facing life much easier. I wish both Peri and you smiles and lighter steps as you walk this path.

[Sara Jessica]

Wow Suzanne, I feel kind of lost for words (who, me???).

I had sensed that much has been going on with you and you certainly shared a lot...but clearly not quite everything. I can only hope that I have been of some help to you despite not having the entire picture in front of me.

That said, I don't forgive you nor do I accept your apology because in my opinion you have nothing to be sorry for, nor do you need to ask for our forgiveness. There are very few of us in this community whose lives are not compartmentalized to some extent. You clearly shared with us what you longed for in your heart, to be able to be open with the most important person in your life. Perhaps in sharing as you did, a dress rehersal if you will (pun clearly intended), it gave you strength and insight to be able to take the next step of full disclosure to Peri. If so, then maybe there was purpose in this whole thing.

Suzanne, I say to you the same thing I say to my other dear friends when they are struggling, that I wish you peace in your heart. I wish you and Peri nothing but peace and happiness as you travel this new road...together.

[msniki48]

Suzzanne,

It's good to see you again here on the forum, and i am so looking forward to meeting Peri. Congratulations on your move in a forward direction. Lord knows we all take steps backward every once in a while.:battingeyelashes:


Lot's of Love :love:

[joandher]

Suzanne, please don't feel bad ,you are not the first on this site, and is very refreshing to hear you apologizing ,though none needed to me,
If only the pond wasn't so wide I would love to meet you and you wife, and hopefully have 2 new G/Fs
Look after your wife she is VERY Special

:hugs: to you both

J-JAY

[DonniDarkness]

Enjoy the levity and nurture the future, suzanne. The words bravery and courage come to mind, sometimes it comes in the least expecting forms.

[tinalynn]

OMG, a cross dresser that lies??!!!??!?!!

But seriously, it takes courage to admit the truth, and for that I applaud. Personally, I couldn't care less that you embellished some stories... Good luck to you and Peri in keeping things together. And don't stop writing the stories!

[sherri52]

Suzanne: Lying is not a very good way to make friends, telling your friends of those lies is an excelent way to keep them. You have not lost any friends here and I'm sure all of those Lies (what lies), at least I can't remember them. Most of your stories I read for your adventures not about coming out to family and now you have done that with your wife. I wish you and your wife a long and happy relationship and hope to hear from both of you again soon. Good luck :hugs::love:

[Rachel_Red]

Well this is the first of your posts that I've followed so its an interesting way to meet you and say hi. I would agree with what has been said here, telling the truth is a wonderful and great way to make and keep friends. I will be honest myself... I've made the mistake of telling a lie or rather avoiding the truth before and then when the truth came out I got left behind :sad: It was a hard lesson to learn but I know never to do it again now.

As for your wife, as everyone has stated keep her close! My fiance is helping me through all of my adventures as Rachel and even a possible fulltime conversion. If you can find your soulmate out there... a partner who will be with you forever then being 100% honest with them all the time should be a given. Never do anything to threaten your relationship with her. I know you probably know all of this already but always ask her how she feels about this. Good luck with everything and keep it up it sounds like you're on the right path! :D

[VeronicaMoonlit]

The disclaimer: I lied in many of my posts. If you have followed my posts I often wrote about being out to my loved ones. It is not an excuse for lying in my posts, but having my loved ones love me despite who I am was one of the deepest desires in my heart. I lived out that fantasy in my posts. Much of what I wrote was true. I do go out often, I flew, I have met other ladies from this site, but I did it in total secrecy away from those that I love. To all of you I sincerely apologize for having deceived you.

Secrecy and lies are not a good thing for us, and coming clean is a good thing.



Lastly and most importantly, it is the right thing to do.


Yes.



Communities like this one are especially vulnerable to fictional narratives because most of us are so isolated in our everyday lives. Some of these poor girls are so deeply closeted that this community is all they have, and the only place to get advice and valuable cues towards their next step however small.

Exactly.



This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

And that is a big reason why we shouldn't lie here. The lies hurt us, whether they be lies of photoshopping, lies of "gurl ur so passable", or lies about other things. It's one reason that for quite a long while I posted my real name here.



It could be that our fantasy stories are actually goals that we don't know yet how to reach. In the telling of those stories we accept and better understand both ourselves and the obstacles we face.

I think that's the case for some.

Veronica Rogers

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Suzanne,

Thank you for your honesty. It wasn't really necessary but it allows me to make a salient point about online communities.

They are always constructs.

Communities like this one are especially vulnerable to fictional narratives because most of us are so isolated in our everyday lives. Some of these poor girls are so deeply closeted that this community is all they have, and the only place to get advice and valuable cues towards their next step however small.

I've mentioned a few times that I don't take this place too seriously and cautioned others to be wary of all posts including mine. Your confession, essentially proves me right.
In most forums, I doubt anyone would care that you bent the truth a bit, but around here I think it matters a little bit more.

Think about some of the outrageous and clearly ridiculous things that people have posted (including me) that were actually taken seriously by way too many people. I'm fairly certain that you yourself have shaken your head in disbelief at some of the things that have stirred people up in recent months.

This is a heavily moderated support forum with a mostly terrified and thus vulnerable population. I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. I enjoy goofing around just as much as the next girl but whatever I've said about my actual life is true. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself. What if she would have PM'd you asking for advice after one of her "talks" didn't go so well. What advice could you possibly give her? She's looking to you as someone who's been down that road and is desperately hoping for some wisdom. What would you say?

Excuse me while I climb down off of my rather tall soap box and thank you again for your honesty. I would hope that others would now think about what they're posting and confine the fiction to the appropriate forum.

-Misty

This is a great post...pls forgive me for taking it seriously!!!:lol:

No doubt that I come here for hugs and thoughts and sometimes I get all serious and then realize that the folks I'm talking to may not even really exist!!!

However, over time, you get a feel for people, you learn who is real and it means the world to touch base with people that share your hopes, your problems, and your dreams
...ya just have to be careful

[PretzelGirl]

Well, look at that. Are you surprised now? What a great group of people, aren't they. No, Suzanne, you are a wonderful person and that is felt from others no matter what the words are.

Now, an interesting question may be, what are your plans, if any, of telling your children? Are you and Peri going to have to work through this some more, or is it something you feel you need to do? Just going by what you have posted previously about your daughter, it would seem to be an acceptance you would want, but are you ready at this point?

[AllThingsPretty]

Suzanne, We all still love ya :love:

[Alice Torn]

Susanne, I thank you for your sharing this. I can relate, because, yesterday I offended someone bigtime, on FaceBook, and have had to apologize, though I meant only to share thoghts, ideas. It seems that modern life, is having to say we are sorry, every five minutes!

[SuzanneBender]

Please, don't feel as though you must now shy away from this forum. I, personally, would rather have you here where we can share your pain, your happiness, your problems, and your accomplishments. And where we can share our love with you.
Take care, both you and Peri. Sherrie I couldn't be dragged away from this forum with a team of horse or even lured away by a 99% off designer shoe sale. Well maybe long enough to try a few of them on, but I would be back. I look forward to sharing with everyone.


I came out to my sister and brother-in-law last week and the acceptance is exactly what I dreamed it would be. I wonder if Winston Churchill had come out before he came up with."all we have to fear is fear itself". It seems to apply to both of us.


Suzanne - I saw Peri's comment in another thread about her finding out a month ago, and I admit I was confused. For me the best part of your "confession" was knowing I wasn't having another senior moment, nor did I have to get rid of my blond wigs. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Other than that, I love your posts, enjoy your sense of humor, ache for what you must have been going through, so happy to know that the two of you are working together to understand this part of your lives, and can't wait to hear more from both of you in the future. Girl you are not old enough to have a senior moment and blonde is your color. You can just add and put two and two together :D


I had sensed that much has been going on with you and you certainly shared a lot...but clearly not quite everything. I can only hope that I have been of some help to you despite not having the entire picture in front of me.So many of the women on this site mean so much to me. However, the ladies that I have had the joy of personally meeting and becoming real life friends with are very important to me. I was picturing your face reading my post as I was writting it. Thank you for your friendship and acceptance. You were inspiration and have enormously helped me as Peri and I have been working through this. :hugs:


Suzanne, please don't feel bad ,you are not the first on this site, and is very refreshing to hear you apologizing ,though none needed to me,
If only the pond wasn't so wide I would love to meet you and you wife, and hopefully have 2 new G/Fs
Look after your wife she is VERY Special:hugs: to you both J-Jay there may be a European vacation in the Bender's future. Wouldn't that be a ball!:D


OMG, a cross dresser that lies??!!!??!?!! You made me laugh out loud with this one.


Well this is the first of your posts that I've followed so its an interesting way to meet you and say hi.
As for your wife, as everyone has stated keep her close! My fiance is helping me through all of my adventures as Rachel and even a possible fulltime conversion. If you can find your soulmate out there... a partner who will be with you forever then being 100% honest with them all the time should be a given. Welcome to the site and I am glad that you got to read this one as your first. Truth makes life so much easier. It sounds like you have a special fiance' and I know because Peri is very special. I don't plan on ever letting her go. I would be hugging her now but I need my arms free in order to type.


Secrecy and lies are not a good thing for us, and coming clean is a good thing.Veronica you are right. It is important, but its terrifying when you may loose friends like you.

[RichardCD]

Kudos to you Suzanne.

[SuzanneBender]

Well, look at that. Are you surprised now? What a great group of people, aren't they. No, Suzanne, you are a wonderful person and that is felt from others no matter what the words are.

Now, an interesting question may be, what are your plans, if any, of telling your children? Are you and Peri going to have to work through this some more, or is it something you feel you need to do? Just going by what you have posted previously about your daughter, it would seem to be an acceptance you would want, but are you ready at this point?

Arrgh I was afraid someone was going to ask that. Sue you are to darn astute. Peri and I have talked about this some. We are both hesitant to run down the hall and yell to the children, "Guess what your Dad is really a woman." My oldest is a special wonderful woman and I am sure that she could handle the news. However, Peri and I need to work through our issues first before we interject any more into the mix. They will need to know. We just need to figure out when and where that is going to happen. Its going to take more soul searching and research on our part when it comes to coming out to the kids.

[prene]

Unless we live our life in the open as a crossdresser.

We are lying to our spouse/family/friends and sometimes to ourselves.

I could go on for a while.

Just don't hurt anyone or yourself and all is OK.

[aggi123]

I'm glad you came clean! Was that fun story about the tornado exaggerated a bit? I liked reading about that lol

[Kerigirl2009]

Suzanne, We as crossdressers have learned that it is so much nicer to IMAGINE the possibilities of being open and honest that our thoughts are what we want to our lives to be. Sometimes we can find ourselves fibbing as it becomes so natural.
Now that your wife knows KEEP rebuilding your TRUST with her and listen to what she is telling you either verbally or through how she is acting around you.
I myself am still learning this as I was married for just under 15 years before I told her. (I am not kidding or lying) LOL My wife has also become a member here, (although she is not yet a member of the FAB, which I wish she was) She only has 7 posts. OH by the way her name here is Daybreak.
Actually we had an argument over this site soon after I told her, I totally thought our marriage was over, but thankfully LOVE is still in the air. PHEW!!

I love reading stories here and I hope your stories continue. I also wish you and your wife the best. No love lost here. :)

[gabimartini]

Let's face it... though very unglamorous, most of us are well-trained fibbers. Often times lying is a means of survival and self-preservation. I do not condone it, but it would be foolish to condemn it. So, worry not, as nobody here is in a position to judge, let alone forgive you. That is between you and your loved ones, and I wish you guys all the best in whatever is to come!

[SuzanneBender]

I'm glad you came clean! Was that fun story about the tornado exaggerated a bit? I liked reading about that lol

Unfortunately that was one of the "literray exagerations". We had a tornado that tore through our town. However, the part about the nightgown was a fib.


Suzanne, We as crossdressers have learned that it is so much nicer to IMAGINE the possibilities of being open and honest that our thoughts are what we want to our lives to be. Sometimes we can find ourselves fibbing as it becomes so natural.
Now that your wife knows KEEP rebuilding your TRUST with her and listen to what she is telling you either verbally or through how she is acting around you.
I myself am still learning this as I was married for just under 15 years before I told her. (I am not kidding or lying) LOL My wife has also become a member here, (although she is not yet a member of the FAB, which I wish she was) She only has 7 posts. OH by the way her name here is Daybreak.
Actually we had an argument over this site soon after I told her, I totally thought our marriage was over, but thankfully LOVE is still in the air. PHEW!!

I love reading stories here and I hope your stories continue. I also wish you and your wife the best. No love lost here. :)

Wow. Our stories are so similar. We spent the bulk of this spring break going through this site. I won't say it started and argument but it has spawned a lot of wonderful energic conversations. Thanks for the kind words. The posts are slowing a little bit because I want to spend every moment chatting with Peri, but I will continue to share. :hugs:

[Midnight Skye]

Hey Suzanne, I'm glad to read this. More than anything I hope you and your wife are able to work through everything and find happiness together. Also thanks for coming clean about what happened, but don't fret too much about it. Its hard for all of us when our emotions hit the top and it often results in a crazy emotional dumping with side effects. But please keep posting Suzanne and stay true to your wife and yourself most of all ;)

[Kerigirl2009]

I know exactly what you mean, I just finished reading Peri's posts and yes so totally similiar to eachother. I do wish you and her the best.

I know we still have ups and downs (more ups than downs) and our understanding is growing everyday.

I loved going shopping with my wife soon afterwards, so much fun for me but not as much for her, but I understand.
I also tried to stretch my boundaries more than I should have so I was reeled in so to speak. keep yourself grounded and you and her will be better.

I would love to share stories with you, maybe I could give you some advice seeing as I am about 7 months ahead of you. LOL

By the way I have 4 children so we have the multiple children in common too.

[CamilleLeon]

I'm glad you found the strength and courage to come out to your wife. The support of a loved one is really the best thing in the world.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Suzanne, you are forgiven...

If there is anyone here that cannot forgive you then maybe they need to look at themselves in a mirror. Somewhere in the Bible it says (paraphrased) "Let he without sin cast the first stone". You have been forgiven by your friends. You should be true to yourself.

I personally wouldn't mind hearing of your embellishments (lies, if you wish) of stories if this would help you with your journey. I would like to know whether its an embellishment or fact though. Whatever reason/ excuse is not neccessary.

[suchacutie]

Congratulations, Suzanne. You are your wife are again one.

Now, here's my different take on the rest of it. There are many things in your shared life with your wife that you might not care to share with anyone else. There's absolutely no reason that anyone needs to know that you rub your toes together before you go to sleep! :)

Likewise, sharing your en femme self with others is now a joint decision. Deciding NOT to share is not, in my opinion, a lie at all, just as with my above example. Not everything about our lives need to be open books to the rest of the world. There are certain things that we just choose not to share, and that choice can now be a joint one, as it should be.

Best of luck and I hope you and your wife have many fruitful discussions before anything else moves forward.

tina

[eluuzion]

I feel everyone should always tell the truth…even if they have to make it up. Lol

“The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.” -- Oscar Wilde

The “internet world” is a Disneyland virtual reality where you can release and explore your innermost desires and see the outcome, without having to actually experience any of the consequences that exist in the real world. You can explore and discuss your innermost desires and fantasies without the fear of having them potentially exposed sometime in the future by a scorned confident.

“Would YOU like to be “Queen for a Day?”
It is difficult for many people to resist the opportunity that the Internet offers. To assume the role of whoever or whatever their fantasies may be, and test it out in a virtual world of real players.

But it is important to remember the key elements of genuine conversation are absent in Internet exchanges. Face to face discourse, where both parties are able to experience auditory and non-verbal cues, removes about 80-90% of human ability to correctly assess the content. Add the disconnection of “immediate” exchange between parties in the ”social” forum arena format, and you are operating in a house of smoke and mirrors…at best. It is still productive, constructive and most of all, great entertainment.

When people begin to confuse the “Internet world” with the “real world”, some potentially serious dysfunctional thinking and behaviors can develop. Opinions are viewed as facts, fantasies are interpreted as reality, nonsense replaces common sense, fiction becomes non-fiction, and expectations in the real world are confused with what is possible online.

Forums and similar formats encourage the emotional mindset and minimize the logical mindset. Expecting truth and facts in all content on socially oriented forum formats is unrealistic. It is still interesting and entertaining…but “being genuine” should always be considered a “mystery.”

Pressing the “shut down” tab disables the emotional mind and engages the logical mind again.

…Take away emotion and what is left is logical and rational behavior (hopefully lol). This is the closest thing you will find to the “truth”…(whatever that is…)

I think that it would be helpful for people sharing the “truth”, to post a picture of them just prior to posting. Then we would all be able to at least see if their nose is really long or their pants are on fire…lol.

Just a few of my thoughts inspired by the topic…not intended to be taken personally.

I do admire your character and courage to do the right thing, when doing the wrong thing was still a “safe” path to follow…

Hey,nobody here is a "victim", so feeling "guilty" is not mandatory...
A lie requires cooperation by both parties to be successful. One to tell the lie, and one to accept it as the truth.

[Claire Cook]

The disclaimer: I lied in many of my posts. If you have followed my posts I often wrote about being out to my loved ones. It is not an excuse for lying in my posts, but having my loved ones love me despite who I am was one of the deepest desires in my heart. I lived out that fantasy in my posts.
With all my heart.

Suzanne


Suzanne,

Communities like this one are especially vulnerable to fictional narratives because most of us are so isolated in our everyday lives. Some of these poor girls are so deeply closeted that this community is all they have, and the only place to get advice and valuable cues towards their next step however small.

I believe that we should all make an effort to be honest in our actual accounts of our struggle. There may be a sister looking to you for inspiration and your stories may well have empowered her to do something you didn't have the courage to do yourself.

-Misty


I feel everyone should always tell the truth…even if they have to make it up. Lol

When people begin to confuse the “Internet world” with the “real world”, some potentially serious dysfunctional thinking and behaviors can develop. Opinions are viewed as facts, fantasies are interpreted as reality, nonsense replaces common sense, fiction becomes non-fiction, and expectations in the real world are confused with what is possible online.


I think that it would be helpful for people sharing the “truth”, to post a picture of them just prior to posting. Then we would all be able to at least see if their nose is really long or their pants are on fire…lol.

Hey,nobody here is a "victim", so feeling "guilty" is not mandatory...
A lie requires cooperation by both parties to be successful. One to tell the lie, and one to accept it as the truth.

Hi Suzanne,

I’ve been preoccupied with work and other things and haven’t had much time to be at the site, but I am glad to see your post. Michelle and eluuzion (love the name) make some salient points. However, it’s probably difficult for us to be completely objective when we’re posting here. Given the sympathetic audience, I think many of us are in “wish-mode” to some extent, and our fantasies may spill over into what we write. We’re not so much “lying” to others as not being honest to ourselves, and maybe that is one of the biggest hurdles we have to face. But we have to realize that others look to us for help, advice and support, and we have the resposibility to be honest with them. In any case, it sounds like you’ve another big step!

[And as others have said .. what’s to forgive? We carry enough needless guilt as it is.]

A lot of us are faced with the difficulties in coming out to family. I’ve come out to and been out with a number of friends, but not yet to anyone in my immediate family (other than Sue; we don’t have kids). Some day that will happen when I feel comfortable with it, but I’m not there yet.

Thanks again for being so open with us!

[VanessaVW]

I appreciate the honesty. I'm sure you feel alot better now. Manufacturing lies just takes too much energy. It's great that your wife is on board.

[RobynB]

Welcome to Peri. Jesus said, "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I definitely will not be casting a stone. Even though we have never met, you will always be my friend.

[Renee]

Suzanne first of all I want to say that I am happy that you have made this monumental decision. Telling the truth about things is one of the hardest things that a person can do. It is even tough when the people you are telling are online and are mostly people that you have not met in person. You are certainly forgiven by this old crossdresser. Doing this tells me about your character. Second, I want to say that I have really enjoyed your posts and know that most posts online are usually filled with things that are maybe a bit of wishful thinking and some embellishment. Thirdly, I want to say that I wish you only the best as you and Peri begin a new chapter in your lives. It can be a wonderful chapter for both of you if approached properly. I am in KC and love to hear from the girls in the midwest area. My wife knows of Renee and has been wonderful, although we have had our moments. Drop me an email anytime [email protected] or send me a message on yahoo messenger. Peri let me say to you that you must be one of those fantastic wives who can see past the outter trappings and visualize and embrace the true inner person of your spouse. You are a Godsend for Suzanne. Please take good care of her for us.
Renee

[Staci G]

Suzanne,, Love ya mean it. You are still the bomb IMHO. Hey if we all told it there would be I am sure some doosies on here :eek:. I have driven a truck a long time and learned that A. believe nothing you hear and B. believe half of what you see.:heehee:

[Lorileah]

Suzanne. After reviewing our friendship agreement I could not find where you had violated any of the agreements or amendments. Thus, as stated on page 524 of said agreement we will continue to carry on our friendship. Please be advised that you would have to mess up pretty badly to cause me to ever quit being your friend.

Geez girl. How could you even think that? WE be here for you, you know?

As per page 1(unconditional clause for being friends, Kansas subtitle), don't sweat it OK? Some angels have to fly close to the ground you know? :hugs:

[joank]

There is nothing to be forgiven for as many have been in a similar situation. But I can second the thought that no one here need to be lied too. We are all on the same 'battleship'.

[Andy66]

Lastly and most importantly, it is the right thing to do.
Yes, that is the most important thing - not only in this situation, but in life in general, IMHO. Thank you for doing it. Of course you are forgiven, and of course you are still loveable... even more loveable, because you are real. :bh:

[PretzelGirl]

Peri and I have talked about this some. We are both hesitant to run down the hall and yell to the children, "Guess what your Dad is really a woman."

Do take your time. Bite size chunks are certainly the order of the day. I find myself in a similar situation in that I want to tell my oldest daughter but family drama is extremely high right now, so hesitation is a good thing for both of us. :hugs:

[Tina L.]

Suzanne, Hope everything works out with the loved ones.
I'm sure everyone here will forgive you for living out a fantasy.



Good Luck,
Tina L.

[Peri Bender]

Wow! The support is amazing. I am trying to be as supportive as possible. Any extra prayers are needed:)

[Frédérique]

Wow! The support is amazing. I am trying to be as supportive as possible. Any extra prayers are needed

Hi, Peri – I see you’ve discovered our secret clubhouse…:heehee:

In lieu of prayers, I just want to let you know that your SO (who happens to be my friend) comes across as a very intelligent and loving person. I don’t know how things actually are on your end, but Suzanne has been highly supportive of us all, and this is the very reason for this site to exist in the first place. Back in the old days, people like us had nowhere to turn for comfort and support, so this “community” forum has been helpful, to say the least…

I confess I don’t read many threads regarding relationships or families, simply because I’m not attached (and I have a small family) – I can’t relate to the problems that most crossdressers face as a result. As such, it would be rather pointless for me to say you are fortunate to have such a partner, but that’s what I would say – it gets frustrating when you realize how little we really know or “see” each other on this site. My friends, crossdressers all (and variations thereof), are here in this little enclosure, conveniently out of sight – pardon me if I wonder whether we all really exist, but I know we do. Anyway, I wish you well – I mean that most sincerely, since Suzanne is a valuable member here…:)

BTW, I keep having daydreams about all of the Kansas members meeting each other some day, all in the same room, at the same house. I don’t want to scare you, but I keep wondering what your house (or place) looks like. :eek: Your SO seems like the most likely candidate to host such a momentous event. Alas, even though I’m only a little over three hours drive away, I cannot figure out how to bring my comforting closet with me! It’s never been easy…:sad:

Thanks for coming here. Here’s a hug for you: :hugs:

[t-girlxsophie]

Wow! The support is amazing. I am trying to be as supportive as possible. Any extra prayers are needed:)

Hi Peri,Your in the right place,everyone on here is so kind and welcoming

I hope and believe you both will become stronger.The love and support I recieve from my wife is a comfort to me and am sure Suzanne will feel the same way too

God Bless
Sophie xx

[Kathi Lake]

Suzanne and Peri,

Wow, I leave for a week in Orlando and then spend the following week in camo and a gas mask, hiding in bunkers and playing with explosives (why yes, I am that macho :)), and look what happens - my friend has now unburdened herself to the person that matters most. Yay, Suzanne!

Unfortunately, I say yay with a sense of tearful longing. You see, I still carry that burden, so I know how much it must have eaten at you. Although my wife knows that I do dress (and shop, you know, just occasionally), she doesn't know the frequency. She doesn't know how it makes me feel. She doesn't know how integrated my femininity is in everything I do - to my very soul. Heck, she doesn't even know about this site. True, I do this at her request so that she can remain blissfully ignorant of my dressing. So, although I am responding to her wishes, I wish it were otherwise. I wish that she would allow me to be as open as you are now with Peri. As I said, I envy you, my friend.

Peri, as others have said, welcome. I know that you will find the support here that you will need to get you through this time in your lives. Know that you indeed have our prayers, support, understanding, and any help we can give you. If you step around the assorted panty-color threads (sorry, couldn't resist :)), you will find that this site contains people aligned towards one goal - to support those that normally have no source of support - spousal or otherwise. Please, oh please, let us know what we can do. I believe that the help you receive from the FAB forum will be invaluable, as these precious ladies have already "been there." They will help you feel both more supported and less alone.

Suzanne, I'm sure you know how much I care for and respect you. That respect has certainly not diminished with your latest revelation. As I said, I understand our need to conceal this life as so many events in our past has taught us to. I am so glad of your strength in having what was possibly the most difficult conversation you have ever had. The same offer I made to your lovely bride I make to you as well; How can I help? Prayers? Done! Support? You know it! A willing ear? Not a problem. As Lorileah referenced, the Friend Code demands this and so much more. Love ya, my friend!

Kathi

[kimdl93]

Suzanne, you don't owe us an apology, but it was still courageous to share this with us. With your new found candor, your experiences will be more meaningful and instructive to all of us as a result.

[Mackenzie]

Peter asked Jesus, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus replied, "I do not say to you seve times, but seventy times seven." Matt 18:21,22

The point is that we are to forgive without keeping track. I can't keep track of someone's 490 transgressions, nor would I want them to get out their scoresheet and tabulate mine.

Suzanne, I so admire your honesty and candor! You would be a friend of mine any day!!

Mackenzie