Made another baby step

[Bree-asaurus]

My stomach is in knots this morning... I've been feeling better about myself and am being more accepting of who I am (whoever that may be). Only two of my close friends, who are very accepting, know what I am going through. Yesterday though, I came out to a good friend who I was afraid of losing. He mentioned to me last week that one of his friends transitioned and he was surprised but acted cool about it.

So yesterday, I bit the bullet and while not expressly saying what I am going through, I alluded to it as I asked if he would be able to put me in touch with his TG friend. Unfortunately his friend is four hours away in Austin so it's kind of difficult to grab coffee and chat... but who knows. But now my friend knows and I am pretty sure he's cool about it although I bet he shat bricks when he found out :-P I was super nervous asking him and actually backed out at first, but went through with it in the end.

It's a small step but it was very scary lol.

On a related note, as I said I am starting to be more accepting of myself, and right now I've spent the last two days fully in girl mode and later today I'm going to have to go back to guy mode and get out of the house, spend time with family and go to school. I'm trying to make sure I don't fall back into a depression or angry state where I reject who I am and go back to being a guy. I feel it deep inside that I am not this man I pretend to be but I have a habit of getting scared and running back to being that guy. Does anyone have any advice? I've been doing good and I don't want to fall back...

[DiannaRose]

Brian, that wasn't a small step, it was a big one. Coming out to *anyone* is! God bless you for finding the courage to take the step, and here's hoping for as many as you need.

We know about the depression of going back to guy mode. Happens to us all. The thing to do is focus on the fact that there WILL be another time, even if you don't know when thet'll be. It can be tough balancing the halves, especially right after being on the up side for a while. Just breathe, focus on the good, allow your friends here to support you (don't be afraid to say "I'm feeling down and need support"...we all understand it).

:hugs:

[ellenwannabe]

great move Brian - it's very hard to come out to anybody and I wish you all the best - hold your head high and be proud of the girl you are becoming - Ellen

[dorylinn]

I'm trying to make sure I don't fall back into a depression or angry state where I reject who I am


I'm right there with you on this one Honey :eek:

Now You know you have some friends to help you figure things out

[Jessy]

It's a good thing you went through with it, even while it's hard. Every big journey starts with a single step, and with every step you take, you progress further towards your destination.
I'm glad to hear he took it very well.

The depression you mention sounds a bit like a state of denial. After all, you do say you feel more being you as the girl, rather than the guy. So follow your heart, and do what's right for you. If you have any doubts or tend to fall back, try to gain strength from the good experiences you had with the friends that know. Maybe talk to them for some support.

[Bree-asaurus]

Thanks for the support everyone! So I bit the bullet earlier even though I didn't have to yet, and got back into my guy cloths. I did it earlier than I had to because I was in a good state of mind and felt I could do it without getting sad. This time was different than the other times.

I'm not sure I know how to explain it, but while I was changing to look like a guy, I managed to keep my more female state of mind. While putting on my jeans and sweater, I was looking in the mirror and still saw my feminine side. I drove in my car to stop by and see how my friend was doing (she recently had surgery) and on the way there I was jamming out to music and singing, which I NEVER do. I tend to repress and hide a lot of what I feel or do even if it isn't related to the TG issues because I feel like I need to hide my true self... yes... even while driving and no one is paying attention to me, lol.

So far so good... I'm going to do my best to stay on this positive track as long as I can. I'm sure I'll fall back down soon, but I don't want to think about that right now :-)

Annnd we're back...

I was just talking to a friend who I can confide in, and who knows about what's going on. I told her that I came out to this other friend and she got concerned saying that I let the cat out of the bag, that no one can keep a secret like that and I need to be prepared that he will tell someone and word will get out. She thinks I told him because I feel a need to tell my friends and have a bigger support group....

I also just called him to make sure we were still cool and he told me that yeah, he is weirded out, but he's not here to judge and can only be the best friend he can be to me... but omg... i'm freaking out now...

What have I done?

EDIT:

Well I'm having an excellent discussion with myself lol... I guess I'm posting things as I feel them, and just hoping someone happens to be reading this with advice to give... oh well!

I calmed myself down and I'm okay... a little nervous still, but whatever. Life's a bitch and then you die :-P Maybe I should have told him, maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have waited longer until I'm more comfortable with who I am... Good or bad though, I figure it's progress and it's going in the direction it has to go.

[Jessy]

This is really my biggest fear of all when thinking about coming out. I have little to no faith in people being able to keep a secret.

Still I am convinced that even while you might find yourself freaking out now, you did the right thing and made a big step on the road to being yourself. Just make sure you are prepared to answer questions. I know, I make it sound easy now, but I know all too well that it isn't. However I fully understand the need to have people you can talk to about it, and that are able to support you. To me that would make a world of difference in being able to pull myself through.

[sherri52]

Brian that was great that your friend is ok with your dressing. Diane has alreay mentioned that it was a big step not a small one. I find it gets easier over time to come out to people. It's nerve wracking to even think of coming out to someone but a close friend makes it harder. There is always the fear of losing a friend in the process. I'm glad everything is working out well.