Daniela76
03-22-2010, 11:01 PM
I've finally realized that I did have some sort of split-personality disorder!!
There weren't really multiple personalities, just splinters of the whole that never got along.
I'll list them in order of time, & note the importance:
Danny, the little boy: Unfortunately I killed him off pretty early, around 12 years old. I didn't like being thought of as a little kid & the memories that held for me.
Dan, the guy: He's the one that tried pushing Danny away & wanted to be mature but didn't know how. Always tried to be cool, or something like that.
Daniel, the honorable man: He always wanted to do the right thing & help people. I didn't know how to be a man, since I had very few male role models. Unfortunately he didn't know how to help himself & that's when Dan changed.
Evil-Dan, self-hate personified: That's who I was for almost 20 years of my life. He truly killed Danny, my childhood pushed away by pain. I hated everything about my life. Wished I'd never been born, contemplated suicide. Dan could have had a fun life, but even he was subjugated by Evil-Dan. I hid in video games & solitude. I spent money on crap to make myself happy. I collected things to keep my mind occupied. I kept my room a mess so I could be a hermit in there.
Daniela, the woman within: She popped up a couple times here & there as a teenager, trying to save Dan, but I didn't know how to listen to her. I was too afraid to even, since that might mean I was :gasp:, a girl!! She kept popping up more & more over the past 10 years, but Evil-Dan used all his cunning to convince Daniel that being feminine was awful & un-Christian. Finally I let her out, but Daniela wasn't even who really wanted to get out.
Dani, the girl I should be: I thought that Daniela was who I was going to be, and I still am. But Dani really wanted to get out & play. In many good ways, but unfortunately still bad at spending money.
Right now, we are having a heck of a time fitting everyone in this one brain. It is a big brain of course, but it is crowded.
Unfortunately, Danny is long gone, and really can't be brought back.
The key here is destroying Evil-Dan for good. He isn't welcome anymore. "Get behind me Satan!!" Daniel, Daniela & Dani are working hard together to nail his coffin shut & burn it. Dan needs to sit this one out since he's had so much hurt.
Once we're past that hurdle, we're going to merge Dan into Dani properly. I can still have fun being boyish & play video games & make inappropriate jokes. Just like I can wear pretty purple & pink clothes & cute shoes & earrings & have long pretty hair.
Daniel will stick around so long as a I still have my man bits & they work at all. Once the hormones kick in, he may start disappearing bit by bit. I need to merge him properly into Daniela so I can be a strong Godly woman, as I should be.
Eventually I will just be Daniela/Dani. A woman & the girl within. They will be the same person, & not fragmented at all. Just different aspects of the same person.
I know a lot of people change their name completely when they transition, but I do feel that I am Daniel (God is my judge) & will just become Daniela when that is what I can do.
I'd love to hear thoughts from others on how this sounds. It seems like it might become my manifesto on my life & how it has gone. Please share your comments & courteous criticisms. I've been through enough pain lately to fight with people about how they view my life.
There weren't really multiple personalities, just splinters of the whole that never got along.
I'll list them in order of time, & note the importance:
Danny, the little boy: Unfortunately I killed him off pretty early, around 12 years old. I didn't like being thought of as a little kid & the memories that held for me.
Dan, the guy: He's the one that tried pushing Danny away & wanted to be mature but didn't know how. Always tried to be cool, or something like that.
Daniel, the honorable man: He always wanted to do the right thing & help people. I didn't know how to be a man, since I had very few male role models. Unfortunately he didn't know how to help himself & that's when Dan changed.
Evil-Dan, self-hate personified: That's who I was for almost 20 years of my life. He truly killed Danny, my childhood pushed away by pain. I hated everything about my life. Wished I'd never been born, contemplated suicide. Dan could have had a fun life, but even he was subjugated by Evil-Dan. I hid in video games & solitude. I spent money on crap to make myself happy. I collected things to keep my mind occupied. I kept my room a mess so I could be a hermit in there.
Daniela, the woman within: She popped up a couple times here & there as a teenager, trying to save Dan, but I didn't know how to listen to her. I was too afraid to even, since that might mean I was :gasp:, a girl!! She kept popping up more & more over the past 10 years, but Evil-Dan used all his cunning to convince Daniel that being feminine was awful & un-Christian. Finally I let her out, but Daniela wasn't even who really wanted to get out.
Dani, the girl I should be: I thought that Daniela was who I was going to be, and I still am. But Dani really wanted to get out & play. In many good ways, but unfortunately still bad at spending money.
Right now, we are having a heck of a time fitting everyone in this one brain. It is a big brain of course, but it is crowded.
Unfortunately, Danny is long gone, and really can't be brought back.
The key here is destroying Evil-Dan for good. He isn't welcome anymore. "Get behind me Satan!!" Daniel, Daniela & Dani are working hard together to nail his coffin shut & burn it. Dan needs to sit this one out since he's had so much hurt.
Once we're past that hurdle, we're going to merge Dan into Dani properly. I can still have fun being boyish & play video games & make inappropriate jokes. Just like I can wear pretty purple & pink clothes & cute shoes & earrings & have long pretty hair.
Daniel will stick around so long as a I still have my man bits & they work at all. Once the hormones kick in, he may start disappearing bit by bit. I need to merge him properly into Daniela so I can be a strong Godly woman, as I should be.
Eventually I will just be Daniela/Dani. A woman & the girl within. They will be the same person, & not fragmented at all. Just different aspects of the same person.
I know a lot of people change their name completely when they transition, but I do feel that I am Daniel (God is my judge) & will just become Daniela when that is what I can do.
I'd love to hear thoughts from others on how this sounds. It seems like it might become my manifesto on my life & how it has gone. Please share your comments & courteous criticisms. I've been through enough pain lately to fight with people about how they view my life.