Belonging

[Jenny Aurora]

Warning, Long boring horrible post ahead...(looking at some of the other girls posts here, I should of stopped typing a long long time ago!)

How do you know where you belong? I've been a member on this forum for I guess, a very small amount of time, yet I seem unable to say anything!
Everyone here seems very friendly and very nice lovely people and my introduction post was very heart warming but I can't help but end up feeling down if I visit and I usually find myself skimming a few posts before just closing down the browser.

I will admit, I've always felt alone and just the thought of it brings me to tears (But its not that there is no one there, I have family and a good friend! - I just can't feel close to them as myself). How did you find out who you were, what you liked? How to be yourself? I've always felt different then everyone when I was in school, it was a bit easier when I started working because at least I got to keep to myself so basically avoided everything. But I think hiding is really killing me off now.

I know crossdressing has always been a part of my life (and for some reason, I really hate using that term :straightface:) and I've always tried to keep it to myself and many times trying to..get rid of it, as if that is ever possible! haha. I even tried/told my mum once when I was young but that never went farther then that night (I was on holiday at the time so sent her a text!). The biggest change came where I met a girl online and we spoke so much, it was like she brought out so many things in me and everything changed so much. I was able to just be jen and since we were talking online, I never had to worry about how or who I looked like (I still seem to dodge anything that shows my reflection, I even took down all the mirrors in my room). I was so happy and it was like finally seeing the world that I was once blind to. I still struggled with it though, and after some time things would start creeping back on me and its like..rejecting myself? And just going back to how I was and feeling kinda miserable.

Sadly, we are no longer talking but it allowed me to finally tell my friend who whilst seem confused at first, was accepting and embarrassingly so much more at ease with it then I am! It feels so difficult though, almost as if I am trying to play a role? I can't relax and just be natural. It feels like I am watching everything I say incase it sounds too manly or girly. Like it is such a uphill struggle to do anything related to this (like shaving or even clothes, all I seem to be messing up! add in the fact that there really is no chance to anyway, unless I do it just before I go to bed for like 10 minutes?) and so I go through phases of feeling ok and just plodding along to just kind of shutting the world out and I guess being a horrid cow to people. My friend said that it seems like I'm not accepting myself and encouraged me join a forum etc because talking to people similar would help. I've tried talking to some people before but I just seem to be so stuck in my mind and the endless amounts of hearing things like you should just be whatever feels right, not to worry about what other people say etc..just enforces the feeling of being alone because I can't seem to do what they say so should just not bring it up and kind of stay in the limbo. I just wish that one day when I wake up, I was someone else. But there is really nothing wrong with me and I feel horrible for being like this when there are so many people out there who has gone through worse and even come out of it a better person.

What I have noticed is that, its always so much harder to hide when I get close to people. When I used to be with my ex (whom I've never told about me) the feeling to want to share was so strong and kind of made things difficult because its like our ideas of the roles we should play clashed? Also the jealously on all the things she could be and do..even if it was nothing special like just relaxing around the house..

So I just don't know what I want, what I am or anything I can do. All that I know is that I am just wasting time and so very lost :sad: I even leave my underwear (bra, knickers and tights) in my boy drawer and I know my mum has seen it since she puts some of my things back in there if I do not get it off the dryer quick enough (its a busy house so the dryer is in her room) and she never mentions anything or acts differently and I do the same. Its made me think that it should be quite easy in a way to try to talk to her, but its like..how can you when you do not even know what to say? It does not help that since my sister and her children have moved back in, its almost like a reminder of what I'm not or cant be and also of how boyish I can be too.

I guess I'm asking for help, but I feel so incredibly stupid and confusing and over thinking all the things that would happen next...so, I'm sorry for anyone who had to read through all this. Am I always going to be stuck like this? My head feels so crammed with everything, I wish I was allowed to just relax. Thanks for your time, I wish everyone the best.
~Jen
*eyes closed and press send*

[minalost]

Jen,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I know from experience just how hard that can be! The good news is that you’ve come to the right place! Everyone here is very friendly and understanding. There are many girls here with a lot of experience – most with way more than me – and I’m sure they will be willing to share with you in what ever direction you take.

Don’t worry about not posting a lot. I only respond to about one tenth of the threads posted here. I don’t have the time to respond to them all, and many times I just don’t have anything to add.

Just keep looking with an open mind and you’ll find a place for yourself. Don’t give up!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Jessy]

Don't feel stupid, every person experiences hard times in life. I've been there too, some years ago. I really have no clue why things got better eventually, but they did. Still, being CD adds enough trouble to life sometimes. For years I've felt very lonely, so decided to go living with more people in a house. Felt better at first, but it has put a serious limit to my CD so I'm still not happy, and often enough craving for the times I had a place of my own. And the hiding really doesn't make me feel better either.

All I wanna say is that the journey to happiness often is a long one, with plenty of bumps on the road. I think it's very important to find out who are, and what you feel most comfortable with in life.
I understand that it can be hard saying something on the forum too sometimes, it's pretty active and can be hard to just jump in the big group, into a discussion. Maybe what you need is a smaller group where you feel more relaxed to talk. It might be an idea to see a psychologist to talk about the issues in life, maybe they can offer some support too. Done it several times myself, and it's surprising how much a listening ear can make me feel better.

Anyway I'm sure things will get better again in the future, have faith and keep your head up. And if you feel like talking, don't let anything hold you back.

[Angie G]

Some of us have the feeling the what we do is wrong. That's what you may be feeling It's not It's who you are and your a beautifil person Jenny. Tey not to be so hard on yourself. Besidesyou are one of millions. And your naver alone here.I'd also like to welcome you to the family. You can PM me if you would like to chat.I'm here just about everyday.:hugs:
Angie

[Bree-asaurus]

How did you find out who you were, what you liked? How to be yourself? I've always felt different then everyone when I was in school, it was a bit easier when I started working because at least I got to keep to myself so basically avoided everything. But I think hiding is really killing me off now.


I know crossdressing has always been a part of my life (and for some reason, I really hate using that term ) and I've always tried to keep it to myself and many times trying to..get rid of it, as if that is ever possible!


It feels so difficult though, almost as if I am trying to play a role? I can't relax and just be natural. It feels like I am watching everything I say incase it sounds too manly or girly.

Now why does all that sound familiar? hrmm... :heehee:

Don't worry about not posting... I don't know how long I would visit this forum and lurk around before I finally jumped in and introduced myself. It may seem a little overwhelming at first but just post at whatever pace suits you and you'll fit right in and before long, you'll have plenty to say here!

[Sarah Doepner]

Jen,

So many of us have gone through the same kind of self examination and have come out better for the process. There is nothing wrong with questions about who we are and why we do what we do or feel what we feel. As you read through the other posts here there are two things that are clear. 1- you may be by yourself, but you are not alone, and 2- what you are doing may not be common, but it's normal.

Don't beat yourself up but look for the best and try to be patient. It takes a while to understand and become comfortable. Keep reading and posting and know that there are many here who are willing to help as best they can.

[sherri52]

Hi Jenny: Don't lat the world get you down. We have all been in similar circumstances, especially those of us on this forum. Living at home does make it harder for you to express yourself, and with you sister and her children does make it a busy house. I am the oldest of nine and have dressed since I was 8 and know exactly whay your going through with family around. If you want to chat give me a PM or email me. I'm on the laptop all day and night except Thurs and Sat nights

[charlie]

Hello Jenny!
What you have here on this forum is a group that has gone through what you are experiencing, a group that is considered as strange to society as you are, a group that is supportive of you, and a group that understands what guilt and self hatred is all about. What we try to do here is understand and move forward. To try and accept ourselves and others. Don't shy away..

[Lynn Marie]

My simple solution to my own fears, doubts, and worries about myself:

All men are fearful about their own manhood and over-compensate.

All women are fearful about their looks and their sexuality and over-compensate.

Those of us who have faced our fears and got dressed are the only fearless, and honest, and real people on the planet.

Pretty simple, really. Over-simplified? Maybe, but it works for me.

[Andy66]

The ladies here know what they're talking about and give good advice. Especially that you should stick around and read a while, and also talk to either a therapist or a small support group.

It sounds to me like a big issue is that you don't know who you are yet. It's okay to not know who you are yet. First, forget about labels. They limit you. Next, figure out what you DO know about yourself... what you can and cannot change, and what you want to change. Everything else is a clean slate or an unwritten book. That's a wonderful thing. Look around and decide on a few things you would like to be or qualities you want to develop, and start taking steps to do it. Read a lot and keep an open mind. Above all, be true to yourself. Become a person who you would be proud to be, but don't try to force yourself into society's mold. All this may take a long time, but it is well worth the effort in the long run. :hugs:

[msniki48]

Jenny,

There is a lot going on in your mind, about the who's , why's and whats in your life. I don't know your age, so some of the things we say may or may not have merit. It seems that you are aware of your need to dress, and express a more feminine side to yourself, if you are looking for someone to talk to about this and share experiences, then this is the right place. The people here are warm and have walked many miles in your shoes.

if you feel so much conflict, you may want to seek advice from a therapist specializing in this area. I have done so for over 7 yrs. I feel i have a better understanding of who i am... not necassarily what i can do about it, but at least i have taken a step in the right direction.

As for mom, well, like many of our mom's, they are sometimes in a state of denial. different generations, different upbrining...out of their comfort zone. if we don't bring it up, then it must not be bothering us, so lets go on with the laundry, cooking and cleaning etc....lol

as for being able to mingle with your family and friends...it is hard when you feel the need to overcompensate, in order to hide your femme side... i know, i do it every day.

we are all where you are, at some point in our lives...so calm yourself, and chat with the girls...we dont always have the answers, but you will always pick up a tid bit along the way, even if it is a new lipstick color!:heehee:

try not to be so down on yourself, as it is natural, YES, natural...and there are plenty of us out here to prove it.

i wish you well on your quest for information, and I hope you find your center.

:hugs:

[Jenny Aurora]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. If only I could get my headache to calm down now!


The ladies here know what they're talking about and give good advice. Especially that you should stick around and read a while, and also talk to either a therapist or a small support group.

It sounds to me like a big issue is that you don't know who you are yet. It's okay to not know who you are yet. First, forget about labels. They limit you. Next, figure out what you DO know about yourself... what you can and cannot change, and what you want to change. Everything else is a clean slate or an unwritten book. That's a wonderful thing. Look around and decide on a few things you would like to be or qualities you want to develop, and start taking steps to do it. Read a lot and keep an open mind. Above all, be true to yourself. Become a person who you would be proud to be, but don't try to force yourself into society's mold. All this may take a long time, but it is well worth the effort in the long run. :hugs:

That sounds really great, I guess its so easy to get caught up in everything that you really just lose sight. You would think that after dealing with this for so many years (I'm 22 and have been like this for as long as I can remember) some of it would start to make sense. I've gone through what seems like a few phases with this, some I am not really proud of. Not long ago I was clearing through some old things and found something I wrote when I must of been 14? It struck straight to my heart and made it feel so heavy, it was like I did not even know the person who wrote that and how they felt. They seemed a lot more insightful then I am now too. It is just too easy to try to be how you think you should be, especially for other people. I find with myself though I its not the people putting their opinions onto me, its me making up them on their behalf..if that makes sense?

I guess I need to find a way to clear my mind and start from the basics.



I understand that it can be hard saying something on the forum too sometimes, it's pretty active and can be hard to just jump in the big group, into a discussion. Maybe what you need is a smaller group where you feel more relaxed to talk. It might be an idea to see a psychologist to talk about the issues in life, maybe they can offer some support too. Done it several times myself, and it's surprising how much a listening ear can make me feel better.


I've thought about that, but I can be quite a stubborn little one. I once managed to get diagnosed by my doctor with mild depression and they suggested I go to a young person counselling thing but instead I just thought up everything that the doctor had done wrong and how they seem so intent on just using anti depressants. But isnt it stupid to want to talk to someone and then where there is a path to..you end up burning it instead. I even end up thinking that I am just creating problems out of nothing and would need a good reason to see a therapist since I feel like I am just being attention seeking? How could you find about that kind of thing though? I really don't want to ask my doctor for advice but I do not really know where to turn.

Thanks again though, hugs to everyone :hugs:

[Jessy]

Heehee, don't get me started about being stubborn. I'm a roooole model :D
Sometimes on some brighter moments I do catch myself that my stubborn behaviour is often just an excuse to get away from something, or not having to go through a hard confrontation. I guess I don't have to say that it often made things only harder for myself, so I'm trying hard to work on that part of myself.

As for the therapy part, I made it sound too easy didn't I? Well, the times I've spent at a psychologist were not about cd, I must confess you that. I still have to make that step, and I'm scared as hell. Mainly because I know many GGs from my school went to study psychology, and ran into some of them more than once in the local office where they all are. For my other issues not a big problem, but to talk about cd...?

When you look inside yourself, do you see a reason for this possible attention seeking you mention? Do you feel lonely? Do you lack a social life, and real life friends to talk to? Or maybe do you just like being the center of attention?

As for your age, you're still young. No need to rush things. This can be a very long road to find your true self, and embracing it. You might have noticed that we have people here of all ages, and many of them have gone through it all in a longer period than you have been on this planet ;)

[Daintre]

Hiya Jenny....nice name by the way :D. When I came here at first I would read a few posts and not ever consider posting to a thread. Shy, uncomfortable, maybe I didn't fit in was my thought, I to was a loner, but dagnab it these peeps here coaxed me out of my shell and very slowly I did start fitting in. I look back now and thank my stars that we have such caring members here to help. Stick with us Jenny, we are just getting started. :hugs:

[eluuzion]

suʍop puɐ sdn ɟo ןןnɟ sı ǝɟıן



Here is the good news…the world is not going to end tomorrow.
Here is the good news…you are going to live.
Here is the good news…many of us can relate to your confusion.
Here is the good news…the only place the word “normal” has any meaning is on that washing machine in your moms? room. It a setting for a wash cycle, nothing more.

Here is the good news…these feelings will not last forever.
Here is the good news…this is not school, so there is no test tomorrow

Here is the good news…there is no time limit or deadline for you to make any decision.
Here is the good news…You have a safe place to live and food to keep you healthy.
Here is the good news…you are writing your thoughts down, which is an important tool.
Here is the good news…you understand you need help from others and are seeking it out.

Here is the good news…you have family that obviously loves you.
Here is the good news…you are an intelligent person and think logically.
Here is the good news…there are many free resources available to help you.
Here is the good news…a few minor “changes” can significantly reduce the amount of pressure you feel… almost immediately.

Here is the good news…a few actions can reduce an overwhelming “landslide” feeling into a list of smaller problems that you feel you are capable of managing and finding solutions to.

Here is the good news…you can still listen to a lot of music, just try and resist playing the sad stuff for awhile.

Here is the good news…you already know how to walk and know where the doors in your house are located. You will need to use that knowledge real soon.

Here is the good news…your sibling with the kids is secretly a little envious of the “freedom” you still get to enjoy.

Here is the bad news…you still have to clean up your room. :o

Ok, here are a few options you might consider trying out to see if you feel a little better…

When you start feeling overwhelmed…like you are a 10 foot high round magnetic ball aimlessly rolling around getting bigger as more problems continue sticking to you…it’s time to call a “TIME OUT” and figure out what the real problem is. This is the part where you need that pencil and paper again…

Check your mailbox for the rest of this…I sent you a PM

[eluuzion]

oops,

the pm is not an option I guess, I was informed you block them or something similar.

Sooooooooo, everybody might want to skip the rest of this long post I am just going to add here, for what it's worth...
(I am not a computer geek, so I am taking the only option I know how to do, by posting the rest here.) :)

What’s the real Problem?
A) You are a loser, a freak, nothing makes sense, you can’t think, and nothing works.

B) You let a problem get so big and complex that it is impossible to manage. You need to break it down into smaller, manageable pieces that can be resolved one at a time. (without driving you nuts).

The Answer is B) by the way…it is a typical mistake we all make.


Think about the big ball as a bunch of smaller problems stuck together. Break the big ball apart into as many separate problems as you can in a numbered list on a piece of paper (1,2, etc). There are problems related to the “boy” part, the “girl” part, the “mom” part, the “living at home” part, the sibling & kids moving in” part, the “who to tell” part, the “seeking help” part, the “daily routine responsibilities” part, the “relaxation (walking)/mental rest” part, etc. etc. Don’t analyze anything when you add each one, (that comes later) the only goal now is to simply make a list.

Next step is to look at each problem on the list. The only goal is to decide if any look too big to resolve. If it looks like it could be resolved, move to the next problem listed. If it looks scary or too big…break that one down into parts and add each as a new problem on the list, until you finish the last one on the list.

Next step is to calculate the (realistic) total time you have available to devote to working on it. (without neglecting routine responsibilities).

Next step is to look at the list and decide the order of importance for each item related to keeping you sane and reducing stress. (hint: put the ones that will prevent any new nightmares being created at the top). Don’t “over-think” the goal. A quick guess at each one is all that is needed right now, just create a new list with the critical problems at the top of the new list, etc. until it’s done.

Now return to the total time you calculated earlier, and divide it up between the items on the list. (It’s ok to “cheat”, by giving the top items all the time and none to the bottom of the list. This is just a rough estimate, not a time schedule for court dates, lol.

Next step is to look at the new list and times and decide if it looks realistic. If it does not, you will blow it off…so adjust it until you think it is possible to make it happen.

Next step is to praise yourself for doing something to try and move forward, whether it will work or not does not matter, you are attacking the problem, take credit for it, you deserve it. While you are at it, put the mirrors back on the wall and take a look, it is the image of a winner again, who is going to go out and take a walk in a minute and re-group. (fyi…this is your next step, lol).

Next steps are common sense…adjust it to your life and motivation, and get busy. Whether you follow this or some other plan is irrelevant to the big picture. The important thing is to do “SOMETHING”.

There are many times in my life that my entire goal was “to put one foot in front of the other”. It sounds silly now, but at the time, it was the best I could do. It worked, and that is all that mattered…

Doubt what you will my friend, but never, never ever doubt yourself. You are what matters, and you are always stronger than you think you are…

Feel free to ask for help and/or fade away with no obligation to reply to me. I am happy everyday just the same…I hope this helps, or at least gives you some hope. Never give up…someday this will just be another memory of some tough times you struggled through…count on that…

“Cya round’ the campfire”

E

"Sorry" to everyone else having to endure this long post. I'll try and be a good boy(girl) from now on...:love:

[Jessy]

Break the big ball apart into as many separate problems...
Oh god... was just about to do another attempt on the tucking thing when I read this. Ouch! :facepalm:

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Jen,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0pOAVGvePQ

Have fun,

Hugs

Trish xx

[Jenny Aurora]

Sorry about the pm thing, my account was still new and I only just hit the ten post mark so they should be working now :)

[Jenny Aurora]

Stubborness is a good excuse to not have to face up to things or to skip it, after a while it becomes second nature so you do not even realise you are doing it.



As for the therapy part, I made it sound too easy didn't I? Well, the times I've spent at a psychologist were not about cd, I must confess you that. I still have to make that step, and I'm scared as hell. Mainly because I know many GGs from my school went to study psychology, and ran into some of them more than once in the local office where they all are. For my other issues not a big problem, but to talk about cd...?

When you look inside yourself, do you see a reason for this possible attention seeking you mention? Do you feel lonely? Do you lack a social life, and real life friends to talk to? Or maybe do you just like being the center of attention?


What was it like talking about the other things? Was it hard to start and go in the first place? Would you ever consider going to a different area for something like that?

I feel incredibly lonely and whilst I do not really have a social life, I do have a friend I can hang out with. We never really get up to much though which is quite depressive. I've never been good at mixing with people and my mind really goes blank and I start trying to control the situation. But I wonder whether it would be enough...like you cant see what you have so always trying to go after something that does not exist?


Thanks for the list eluuzionz, it seems quite a lot to take in at first though. working out the times for everything seems very hard so I will have to face that when I get to it. Its hard to not want to jump into the middle of something.
At least there is one thing that would help. Not long ago at all I was working in a job I've had for about 4 years which was only eight hours a week. It gave me soo much free time it really ruined my sleep! I used to go to sleep when everyone started waking up until it got to the point where I seemed to struggle to sleep for more then a few hours. Thanks to a friend I've now got a full time job (although rather boring) and managed to go to sleep before 1 or 2am which is a big improvement!

and tucking? I've still got to look into that whole thing! :sigh:

[Brandi Wyne]

Perhaps some of also feel lonely and questioin belonging anywhere. We didn't choose this life but we don't totally deny who we are. So, where do we belong?

[Jessy]

What was it like talking about the other things? Was it hard to start and go in the first place? Would you ever consider going to a different area for something like that?
The other things were not hard at all. It were things that I could easily speak about with anyone in the family, friends, or even strangers. Nothing at all that I'd feel threatened about if anyone in the world would know. About the cd subject, I'm a lot more scared. I don't want some vague acquaintance from 10+ years ago be the first one to find out this side of me. I wouldn't care driving to a place 100 miles away from here for that.


I feel incredibly lonely and whilst I do not really have a social life, I do have a friend I can hang out with. We never really get up to much though which is quite depressive. I've never been good at mixing with people and my mind really goes blank and I start trying to control the situation. But I wonder whether it would be enough...like you cant see what you have so always trying to go after something that does not exist?
My own guy life is almost the same. And these were exactly the things that I consulted a therapist for, more than once. Problems with social skills, depressed because of being lonely, that kinda things.

I also have trouble making decisions when I have to, and with the cd I'm currently facing some tough choices. So that's just another problem to stuff onto the queue of "to be resolved" ;)
I guess I could name them all but it might make a long story, and I don't want to highjack your topic with throwing in all my own problems. But if you like to hear more, I don't mind at all pmming you about it.

[Tracii G]

Don't hold Jenny in let her out you will feel much better about yourself trust me.
I went thru all that stuff too so I understand completely.

[Jenny Aurora]

Perhaps some of also feel lonely and questioin belonging anywhere. We didn't choose this life but we don't totally deny who we are. So, where do we belong?

Somewhere..I guess everyone ends up somewhere different though


The other things were not hard at all. It were things that I could easily speak about with anyone in the family, friends, or even strangers. Nothing at all that I'd feel threatened about if anyone in the world would know. About the cd subject, I'm a lot more scared. I don't want some vague acquaintance from 10+ years ago be the first one to find out this side of me. I wouldn't care driving to a place 100 miles away from here for that.


My own guy life is almost the same. And these were exactly the things that I consulted a therapist for, more than once. Problems with social skills, depressed because of being lonely, that kinda things.

I also have trouble making decisions when I have to, and with the cd I'm currently facing some tough choices. So that's just another problem to stuff onto the queue of "to be resolved" ;)
I guess I could name them all but it might make a long story, and I don't want to highjack your topic with throwing in all my own problems. But if you like to hear more, I don't mind at all pmming you about it.

I could imagine that being quite nerve wracking, I find it such a big thing even buying products that seem even slightly feminine where I used to work so I have to pluck up the courage and get the timing right so I'm served by someone who does not know me!

I would love to hear more :) I have to go to bed now though, the time always catches up so quickly.

[Jessy]

Somewhere..I guess everyone ends up somewhere different though
That's what makes everyone unique ;)


I would love to hear more :) I have to go to bed now though, the time always catches up so quickly.
Okay, big story coming up! You have pm... in about 10 minutes :heehee:

[Andy66]

Doubt what you will, my friend but never, never ever doubt yourself. You are what matters, and you are always stronger than you think you are...
Jenny, this is very true. One day you will amaze yourself by what you have accomplished.

It's obvious from this that eluuzion has seen a lot. (Much respect, eluuzion.)

"Sorry" to everyone else having to endure this long post. I'll try and be a good boy(girl) from now on...
Not at all. It was an awesome post.

[t-girlxsophie]

I hope you find a sense of belonging here,have only been on since Nov and although my situation is different from yours.I also watched for a while,sometimes you find having a read through everyones varied experiences,and maybe you will find some posts that mirror your own,that!
will help you relax and you will find yourself opening up and posting more.

Once I got started i've not stopped contributing to many threads,everyday a new Thread catches my eye,and many include situations I identify with so your amongst friends here,and theres many Girls who would try to help you in any way they can,Were all Different,yet all the Same

[Cassandra Lynn]

Google and read....alot! It appears to me you need to do get a better grasp on what this thing we do is all about. Yes there is alot we still don't know about why, but there are many books on the subject about who and what we are. The books are written by GGs, TGs, CDs and therapists that have lots of knowledge. As far as what others have said, yes, this part of the journey will pass with time, just don't let your feelings lead you to making poor life decisions. If therapy is not for you, remember there are tri-ess chapters (support groups) all across the country where you can meet others like us. Good luck to you dear. :) mj (Cassie) :)