To the CDs who are fully or partially in the closet

[ReineD]

Some of you are happy in the closet. I'm guessing that for you, the CDing is not a matter of gender identity, and you don't feel the need to receive validation of your femme selves from others. Although you are welcome to answer, I am not posing my question with you in mind. :)

For many of you, it is painful to hide your inner femmes, and it is doubly painful if you feel you cannot tell the people you are living with (spouses or parents). I am hopeful that in time you will be able to let the people closest to you know.

My question is about having the rest of the world know, after the immediate family. Assuming your wives and parents know and they are still in your lives (regardless of where they are along their paths to acceptance), how many other people would you like to tell, and would you like other people to know so that you could express yourself comfortably in front of them (assuming they are OK with it)?

And when you do feel ready to tell others, if you could find a way to integrate your femme selves reasonably well into major areas of your life (such as work and/or some friends), do you foresee any reason at all to have your guy self continue to make as many appearances?

Thank you all for your responses.

[karen68]

Hi Reine.
I would love to get out of the closet. If it meant I could be recieved as I am now by all of my family, friends and customers. I am not too worried about friends as you can make more, and they aren't really friends if they can't accept me, I say my customers because I am self-employed and need them for my living and would find it very hard to get by without them.
If I was out without any real problems, I would be mainly fem and my drab side would be out very little and eventually would be gone for good. I would definately get a boob job but not sure about srs though, I would have to think very hard about that if and when that time comes.

[Loni]

I would love for Loni to be the first me, but I would keep my male bits. I have sorta grow attached to them (he he).
if I could be know as Loni first, my male self might show up every blue moon. special times in the family were he must be.
I would loose my job, laws not with standing, just way to many problems with "others".
no social live to speak of, housing no problem, if my friends could not cope then...maybe they are not friends? as for what I do in life"other" than work, no problems there for Loni, she has all ready been there done that... just not so much openly.

Loni

I am a cd, who likes girls.

[Ms. Emily]

I'm kinda in this boat. I'm almost certain my mom knows about my dressing. I haven't tried very hard to hide it. I have a dresser full of girls clothes and I once forgot to delete some pics off there camera when I used it. If I had an SO that it was serious enough I would tell her before she became my wife.

Telling the rest of the world has been a different story. I have a couple friends who are incredibly religious and I don't know how they would react. I've gotten dressed around them but it was always in some context where it was kinda appropriate(ie:halloween) I think some of them might even know because I've had them ask me over and over if I had a myspace(I dont for my male self but Emily does have one). I wish I could tell them especially considering I wanna transition but I fear losing them I guess. If I ever had an opportunity to transition over I would tell them and face the consequences. I definitely wouldn't think twice about my male self anymore if I did, but life isn't that simple sadly.

[ReineD]

Thanks for your response, Emily. :hugs:

But before this thread goes on much further, although TSs are also welcome to respond, I do understand the necessity for TSs to be themselves.

My question is directed more towards the CDs who do not consider themselves to be TS.

If you are TS and are responding to this thread, please identify yourself as such like Emily did, so that I can separate your answers from the CDs or the bi-gendered.

Thanks!

[Jessy]

I'm not fully sure about my gender identity, it still feels insecure at many times. I think I'm okay with it, still sometimes there are doubts.

But no matter which path I choose, I don't like the hiding at all. Whether I'm really a girl, or just a bit of both, I'd prefer that my family, friends and close ones know me the way I am. No secrets.

For me, my job would probably be a problem. Since I have to confront customers, appearance is important. I can't say 100% sure, but I think the risk of loosing the job would be quite high.

How many other people would I tell? Well as said before, my close ones, both relatives and friends, would be important. Family most of all, of course. And I think it depends a bit on how things would progress. I think my family would be supportive, which sets the first (and hardest) step. I'm sure I'd gain strength from that to tell more people. To the point where I can be myself in front of everybody. Anyway I'm still only at the beginning of the road, and I think I'm gonna consider consulting a therapist first about the gender identity doubts.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I'm working on getting out the door and it will happen eventually, perhaps in the next few weeks. I have life & financial matters that are more important right now. When i do it will be with a select group of new friends that i've made, both GG & supportive male friends. I'm the youngest of 4 boys in my family and my mother passed away years ago. There is no reason what so ever to come out to my dad and older brothers as i will always be a son and brother to them. It is no burden on me to hide it from them simply because i would never feel any need to be dressed around them. That doesn't mean i don't want to be femme a lot more, i just don't personally feel the need for my family or work life to be a part of my femme life. Acceptance from society for all CDers and transgendered is a great goal for all of us, and getting out in public and representing well is a great way to do that, when were ready. I have vowed to myself to never hide my femme self from another potential GG partner. So i guess to summarize, i can't say i need any "validation" from my family or work as there is no "painful" hiding for me. :2c: mj (Cassie)

[minalost]

The only person that knows now is my wife, but I would like to be able to go out and be accepted in both male and female modes, depending on contex. For the office and much of my home life I am happy to be "the man." For going out I would like the option to present as female. It would depend on who we were socializing with! I guess I just want my cake and eat it too! I realize that this may be unrealistic, but hey, we taking about wishes right :D?
:hugs:

[ReineD]

But MJ, assuming that you could integrate your femme self reasonably well in parts of your life, would you feel less a desire to present male in those areas and would you opt to present femme on a regular basis if you could do so comfortably?

And Jessy, in your last paragraph where you say that you would like to be yourself in front of everybody, do you mean your femme self more than your guy self, or alternating with both presentations?

[Ms. Emily]

Thanks for your response, Emily. :hugs:

But before this thread goes on much further, although TSs are also welcome to respond, I do understand the necessity for TSs to be themselves.

My question is directed more towards the CDs who do not consider themselves to be TS.

If you are TS and are responding to this thread, please identify yourself as such like Emily did, so that I can separate your answers from the CDs or the bi-gendered.

Thanks!

I never really thought of myself as TS, but I guess it kinda fits looking back at what I said. Although I thought that term was more for people that are actually in the process of transitioning ??

[Jessy]

And Jessy, in your last paragraph where you say that you would like to be yourself in front of everybody, do you mean your femme self more than your guy self, or alternating with both presentations?
I'm afraid that's a bit hard to answer in my current state. Sometimes I just think I know, and another day I just know that I don't know :heehee:

My time as Jessy has always been limited, and lately it has reduced even more with my house mates being home more often. I think I can't come up with a good answer until I get some more time to spend as my girl self. I can only say that right now, I do miss it a lot. It feels like a part of me is just gone for some time. The main answer I'm looking for myself is if it's really just a part... or more than that?

[ReineD]

I think I can't come up with a good answer until I get some more time to spend as my girl self.

Fair enough! :hugs:


I never really thought of myself as TS, but I guess it kinda fits looking back at what I said. Although I thought that term was more for people that are actually in the process of transitioning ??

IDK. I've always taken it that either a person feels they are a woman or not, no matter where along the line to transitioning they are. There are non op TSs too.

At any rate, thanks for your response.

[wishing2bali]

I wouldn't say it's painful to hide my inner fem, although I will admit it doesn't feel good to hold it in either. I live with my gf(as well as her parents), and it does pain me that I can't tell her for fear that if she mentioned it to her parents her father would literally take me out back and shoot me. Other than that small inconvienence, I fear that if I do tell her she will leave me. I want to be honest with her and tell her before I ask her to marry me, just need to get up the courage.

Once I got over that hurdle, I might mention it to a few close friends, but that would cause an issue because, if my closest loved ones accepted my femme self, I could foresee her taking over a large portion of my life, which in turn means the possibility of losing a few friends due to them not being accepting of my femme self being around, not him. I could also see myself then looking for a new place of employment, as I don't believe my current employer would be too accepting, nor would ANY of my fellow co-workers.

After a given amount of time, if I was given acceptance by the people I care about most, I could almost 100% say that there wouldn't be any reason for my guy self to be presented to the world anymore. Only reason for reluctantcy is that if my father knew, he would disown me. Now we aren't the closest individuals to begin with, as we've only spoken maybe 15 times in the last 10 years, and seen each other even less than that, but I'm not sure if I want to put him out of my life just yet.

[Ms. Emily]

Fair enough! :hugs:



IDK. I've always taken it that either a person feels they are a woman or not, no matter where along the line to transitioning they are. There are non op TSs too.

At any rate, thanks for your response.

:thumbsup: Yeah not a problem. That really is a more fitting definition. I guess I'm just used to being called a CD.

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Reine,

I'm only partially in the closet because I need money. Its dead hard to be a tranny and get jobs, especially to buy the clothes I want to wear. I would love to tell everybody about Tricia (and most know); to be Tricia full time and that is what I am planning. But I need an income to support it.

[Cassandra Lynn]

But MJ, assuming that you could integrate your femme self reasonably well in parts of your life, would you feel less a desire to present male in those areas and would you opt to present femme on a regular basis if you could do so comfortably?


I got part of the question answered! Thanx Reine, and yes in the areas other than work and family i would be happy presenting more often as femme. But let me go a little further here: I start work on the 5th (been unemployed since last aug.), and most of my work history has been in factory or male dominated "dirty" type jobs (please take no offense here) where presenting as my male self was necessary, but if the right work environment were to come along i would certainly entertain the option of presenting as femme, provided it was accepted. And as to the group of ppl i am becoming friends with, i hope to be able to go out with them as Cassie on a more pemanent basis. In fact i'm hoping as i get more comfortable with being out and making new friends that i might have more of a chance to meet a woman who is supporting/accepting. My hope and dreams are in fact to develope my femme self and network of friends to the point where i can change the amount of time spent as femme to greater than, or equal to that spent as male. It may take a year or more to get my own place and a better job, but if it works out i would be able to work and do family time as male and femme the rest. That's alot of IFs but i'm hoping. mj (Cassie)

[SusanMarie]

I make no special effort to 'hide' myself...nor do I make any special effort to 'advertise' myself. Those who know about me and accept are special friends indeed. Those who know about me and do not accept, have an issue I cannot solve. Those who have not figured it out...well that's no issue at all.

I only care about one persons opinion & feelings...my SO. Who is and has always been understanding, supportive and participative from the beginning. To this day, I believe she knew about Susan before I did. :hugs:

I am very fortunate.

[SusieK]

Reine,
interesting question. As you are probably aware, the answer to your question is a moving target for many of us (I know, I shouldn't really presume to talk for anyone but myself). Any answer I give today may change at any time in the future.

For me, the problem with the closet is the secrecy. I'm not naturally a deceptive person, and so being deceptive is unhealthy and causes feelings of guilt. For many years I have not perceived this as an issue - my wife knows, so that at home I have been able to CD at a low-level to meet my needs. Most of the time CDing hasn't been something close to the front of my mind other than when participating. In terms of telling others it just hasn't arisen - it would be a case of "why didn't you say you were a trannie?" - "You never asked!". I've been quite happy as me, a guy who CDs:).

Within the last few months though, I have felt the need to progress my CDing a notch, for example leg shaving, which means that I don't get fully back to guy mode. A consequence (or cause?) of this is that I am thinking about it more on a daily basis. It is also likely that it will get noticed and probably commented on within the next few months. Also, at the moment there are a surprising number of situations and conversations where I have had to modify my answers based on other people's assumptions about who I am.

So to answer your questions: I would like it to be out in the open as an abstract fact about me, so that I could regain my honesty. I don't think I would feel the need to present as female, because to be honest it would take too much effort to pass, and I really don't want to wander around looking like a bloke in drag (if I know I look ridiculous, why shouldn't other people think I do too? After all, they won't be looking through the pink mist like I will.:D).

Susie

[immike]

Some of you are happy in the closet. I'm guessing that for you, the CDing is not a matter of gender identity, and you don't feel the need to receive validation of your femme selves from others. Although you are welcome to answer, I am not posing my question with you in mind. :)

For many of you, it is painful to hide your inner femmes, and it is doubly painful if you feel you cannot tell the people you are living with (spouses or parents). I am hopeful that in time you will be able to let the people closest to you know.

My question is about having the rest of the world know, after the immediate family. Assuming your wives and parents know and they are still in your lives (regardless of where they are along their paths to acceptance), how many other people would you like to tell, and would you like other people to know so that you could express yourself comfortably in front of them (assuming they are OK with it)?

And when you do feel ready to tell others, if you could find a way to integrate your femme selves reasonably well into major areas of your life (such as work and/or some friends), do you foresee any reason at all to have your guy self continue to make as many appearances?

Thank you all for your responses.
I would love to be out of the closet,but it is not possible.To enjoy my secret life,I have
had to use mothers clothes,mostly her dresses,skirts,tops,blouses&dress slacks&her
large selection of shoes.If I was to be discovered,fully dressed in one of her good
business suits&wearing a pair of her heels,I'd be introuble

[TG-Taru]

I wouldn't shout it out to all the world, but I would go out in the world more. Those I don't know (well) or work with can take me as they see me, my main worry is the people closer to me.

I wouldn't neccessarily tell those I don't interact with much, but I wouldn't hide. Work, hmm, depending on the people and the job. All in all less guy appearances, but still a good deal if only because it's so easy (I can't be bothered to make much effort there).

[Dragster]

Like many here, I would love to be out of the closet; to an extent, anyway. One day, I WILL walk out en femme, and who knows how I will feel after the experience?

As many of you know, my wife hates CDing with a passion (she thinks it's disgusting), and unless I can change her mind (I'll not stop trying), I will not have a great deal of freedom to express my feminine side in public without risking my marriage. And I'm not prepared to do that, she's still the most important thing in my life. She's still paranoid about any of our friends and relatives finding out, and although I'm confident that we will not lose any real friends or close relatives if they DID find out, I'm not certain that I want to take the risk, or spend loads of time explaining my situation with them, one at a time. In any case, I'm very happy with my guy side the vast majority of the time, but I'd just like to express my girl side form time to time, especially while I still look good enough to dress a good few years younger than my 65 years. I don't want to dress like my Granny did!!!

Tony

[Blaire]

I'm comfy enough with the people that do know, and those that have an inkling that something is different.

My closet is more a function of the local laws - both state and spousal. The state says no to CDing period, my wife would prefer I stayed low-key. Without either of those, I'm fair certain there would be no closet to speak of.

All things in, I have a pretty good balance. Closet or not, that balance would still be there, but just shifted one way or the other to maintain itself in the right place for me.

[Barbara Dugan]

Very good question Reine while the secrecy and the forced lies cause me anguish and guilty feelings. I know that being out will cause even more anguish and trouble to the people close to me and those are the things I try to avoid. I know its kind of a vicious circle that I dont want to break .
I doubt that my friends and my social network will understand me

[CamilleLeon]

I would like to be more out to my family and friends. I'm working up the courage to tell my parents and one of my closest friends. If I could be out, and reasonably accepted by all those close to me, I would be more than happy. As it is, I'm happy enough to have an accepting girlfriend. I don't know how much I would want to integrate dressing into my working. Ultimately, I probably would do so if it were consequance free, however I don't think I would do it everyday. I wonder sometimes if there is a point where I'd get bored of it.

[Ada Ant]

I would love to leave the lies behind and show the world my sexy self but I cant bear to! I was raised by all women and my only guy cousin is gay and after seeing the way my family treated him when he came out I can only imagine thier reaction. I also fear that my goals of being known as a artist would be shot down if my love for crossdressing was known by all.

anyhow! after my first makeover I may feel a little different I am still really just getting started!

[NatalieBliss]

As you mentioned wanting some clarification as to where on the spectrum:
I am currently partially in the closet, my little sister and some friends know. I consider CDing part gender-identity and part self expression. I don't really mind being a genetic male, kinda like it most of the time actually. But in ebbs and flows comes femininity that I like to express. Or simply put, I do not plan to transition to any degree.

Answer proper:
I would love to come out to everybody as it gets tiresome having to censure myself and at times I push the envelope out of frustration or tiredness. Though it hasn't always been the case, I have found peace with not being to express or revel my gender variant nature. Probably because I realized a few years ago I would eventually reach a place where I was comfortable or just plain fed up enough to tell all that matter most.To me, telling my family before they hear from someone else is paramount.

I would like to write of the rest of world and say I wouldn't care, but I worry about my families and my personal professional life. I doubt that anything truly heinous would happen, most likely nothing even tangible, but it worries me. I am pretty non-confrontational in general so if it would be too much an issue I would most likely not dress for work or a family event if it would make others significantly uncomfortable.

[ReineD]

Thanks for all your responses so far. :) I still have questions for some of you though.


I make no special effort to 'hide' myself...nor do I make any special effort to 'advertise' myself. Those who know about me and accept are special friends indeed. Those who know about me and do not accept, have an issue I cannot solve. Those who have not figured it out...well that's no issue at all.

Thanks Susan Marie. Does this mean that you are as out as you would like? Do you live any part of your life in guy mode still?


I would love to be out of the closet,but it is not possible.To enjoy my secret life,I have
had to use mothers clothes,mostly her dresses,skirts,tops,blouses&dress slacks&her
large selection of shoes.If I was to be discovered,fully dressed in one of her good
business suits&wearing a pair of her heels,I'd be introuble

But Mike, if the people close to you knew and were OK with it, and if you worked in a place where it made no difference whether you showed up dressed or in drab, in other words, say the world is different now and you can be your femme self comfortably, can you see any reasons to continue presenting as Mike?


I wouldn't shout it out to all the world, but I would go out in the world more. Those I don't know (well) or work with can take me as they see me, my main worry is the people closer to me.

I know this is a big "IF", but assuming you are met with positive responses by your family, friends, and work, would you feel the need to continue to live your life in guy mode as well?


I know that being out will cause even more anguish and trouble to the people close to me and those are the things I try to avoid.

But Barbara, the question is if you were comfortable being yourself in most places .. if being out was accepted in your life, if you could swing it with your family, friends, even your work, would you feel inclined to be your guy self still?

:hugs:


As you mentioned wanting some clarification as to where on the spectrum:


Thanks Natalie. :) The question isn't so much about where you're at on the spectrum right now. It is more about imagining the conditions in your life to be changed .. if you could be accepted in your family, with your friends, at work, would you see any need to live a part of your life in guy mode?

[TrekGirl1701]

When I come out, I will be out for good. I'm not going to pick and choose who knows and who doesn't know. Whoever knows me personally and every stranger who sees me out in the world will know. Will everyone accept me? Probably not. But whoever doesn't needs to realize that this is who I am and their comfort level isn't going to stop me from being myself.

As soon as that happens, I don't think my male side will be much of a factor in my life, if at all. I've just about had it with men's clothes. I hate all the male clothes that I own and I would go out and buy new clothes, but the men's department in any store is a desolate wasteland that caters to the male side of me that at this point in my life is nothing more than a dim, flickering light. And let me tell ya, that light will probably burn out any day now.

I now own the most female clothes than I ever have all at once. The combined total before each purge would probably add up more, but a purge hasn't been on my radar for quite some time. And my clothes are hanging up in my closet for all to see. I really don't care if somebody sees them. In fact if somebody does see them, it wouldn't even technically be getting caught since I'm practically inviting them to see.

My family is already getting used to me having longer hair. My hair is currently about twice the length that it's ever been and I intend to grow it out until it reaches my shoulders. They joke around with me about it, so I'm pretty sure they have no inkling as to the reason I'm doing it.

I totally think being out of the closet is the next step for me in my life. I have a plan of how it's going to happen. Whether or not it'll work depends a lot on me being devoted to coming out. Everybody's way of life is different. I've never been content with maintaining a status quo. I think I'm always surprising my family and friends with my taste in a lot of things and the way that I act. So I'm really hoping for the best when I finally do come out. I want those closest to me to take the journey with me just as I've rode along with them through their happy moments and their trials and tribulations. :)

[NatalieBliss]

Thanks Natalie. :) The question isn't so much about where you're at on the spectrum right now. It is more about imagining the conditions in your life to be changed .. if you could be accepted in your family, with your friends, at work, would you see any need to live a part of your life in guy mode?

Yes I would need/want to live partly (mostly for me) in guy mode. Guess my post could have been much shorter! :D

[TG-Taru]

I know this is a big "IF", but assuming you are met with positive responses by your family, friends, and work, would you feel the need to continue to live your life in guy mode as well?

Need? Don't think so, it would still remain the lazy option though unless the positive feedback would motivate me to daily put the effort in to be presentable enough.

[Tina B.]

Right now I am out only to the wife, and as my mother is 93 I don't see ever telling her. my brother is a bit of a red neck, and I doubt he would even try to understand. But if we lived in the world you describe and I did come out to family and friends. and if all where excepting and comfortable with me, I would still go guy, maybe as much as 25% of the time. But I can assure you that would only be in the beginning, because the more I stay dressed, the less I want to go back to being just a guy. So I think he would probably fade out with time.
Tina B.

[TGMarla]

I'm kind of in this boad, Reine. I identify myself as a crossdresser with some rather deep-seeded transexual tendencies. I wish I were female, yet I will not be transitioning to correct this. My wife knows I dress, but wants nothing to do with it. The rest of my family is unaware of this, and I have no inclination to tell them.

So for me, the scenario that you paint, where one can slowly emerge and integrate the feminine manifestation into regular life, is only a pipe dream for me. However, lest one get the idea that I am resentful of this, let me say that this is my choice. I love my wife dearly, and I choose to remain her husband and be her man. Unfortunately, this rather cramps the woman in me, but that's the way it is, and that's the way it is likely to remain. I'll live with that.