This is what I was called

[Staci G]

Last night My wife and I were talking about crossdressing (again) anyway she said I probably dress up when shes gone away, I did neither deny nor confirm I just said hmmm good idea. She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?

[Andy66]

Sounds like you handled it as well as anyone could under the circumstances. :sad:

It's hard to tell from here - was she being mean, or just picking on you the way some couples do to each other? :Poke: Gee, I wonder how she would feel if someone called her something like that?

[MJ]

i would book myself in to a waxing salon and get waxed from the neck down :straightface: that' i'll teach her...:heehee:

[Mackenzie]

As one very wise man said, "A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." So, it is good to either answer in a gentle way or maybe don't answer at all when you are upset or hurt. Otherwise, your answer might be harsh and just add gas to the fire.

Mackenzie

[RADER]

I think you did OK. More talking after that remark would only end up in
a fight, and nobody winns. Try again next time when she is a better
mood. Rader

[Sandra]

Hmmm how did she say it? was it said in nasty way or as Anne has said picking like some couples do.

I know both Nigella and I say stuff but with us it is in a joking way, but if something is said that is perhaps a bit to much then we say so.

I think you did right is just turning over and going to sleep. But if it had been me then I would have said something in the morning to her about feelings being hurt.

[Staci G]

we had been talking about Drag Race on Tv because I enjoy watching it and she kinda does too. When it had finished she said I was too much into it and it makes her sick. I said well I find it interesting to see who wins as I have my favorites. She then said it's sick in a very mean way and then she said if I were to do that I would look like what she said. And I would be divorced because she would be humiliated and shamed befor the world.. Oh and MJ thats a great idea about the waxing, other than all that pain.

[minalost]

Yah, that would hurt a lot. I would have done the same thing, roll over and try to go to sleep.
:hugs:

[Sandra]

she would be humiliated and shamed befor the world..

She should come here a talk to all the wives/partners who aren't humiliated or shamed, maybe then some of us could educate her a but more.

[Sheila]

how long has she known and how did she find out about you being TG, sometimes how we discover affects our picture in the beginning and it can be difficult to alter that :sad:

[ReineD]

She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?

I would have told her that her comments were hurtful. Then I would have explained why.

[Lynneth Lee]

I think you did the best thing you could have done. But I agree that maybe you should have mentioned in the morning that you were hurt. The best advice usually is, "Never let the sun go down on an argument.", but not in this case. If you really want to un-nerve her, next time say, You're right! No one can argue that point. (Comes from the Dale Carnegie book How To Win Friends And Influence People.) I use it and it WORKS!!

NANETTE FAYE :hugs:

[sherri52]

Under the circumstances you did well to ignore her and go to sleep. While she's away you go right ahead and dress and feel good about yourself

[Nadia-Maria]

Possibly, a relevant answer would have been to laugh loudly: LOL ! and to congratulate her for her humour.
And manage to answer with still more humour.

When my wife told me I was not a pretty lady, and never would be, adding very disagreeable comments about my outfits, I used to laugh as if she were speaking not seriously , nevertheless I agreed loudly with her and told her that I tried not compete with her, since she was a beauty queen. I told her that I just tried to look better than the ugliest women and that I probably succeeded in that.

Bottom line : After a few years, my wife is now able to make some kind compliments about my femme outfits.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

How you look matters alot more to her...we all have our limitations and dressing is about how you feel about yourself...

so try to remember that....i know very happy dressers that bear no resemblance to women outside of the clothes...

that being said, your wife is expressing some combination of anger, fear or shame...

i'm not sure about how much she knows, but one thing i do know is that letting your wife stew on the inside is the worst long term marraige strategy i can think of..

[Di]

She should come here a talk to all the wives/partners who aren't humiliated or shamed, maybe then some of us could educate her a but more.

I agree we can help her understand.

Or does she not really know......but suspects....then she could be lashing out from being kept in the dark and from not understanding...using her comments to keep you in line.

[Wen4cd]

Sticks and stones will break my bones
But names will never hurt me
Unless I love you and care deeply what you think of me
In which case I would prefer you expressed your frustration
By breaking my bones, because it's far less painful.
If you don't mind.

[eileendover]

She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not.

I think you handled it just fine for the moment. But if you wanted to pursue this to let her know how this hurt you, maybe you could ask her "do you think I'm a big fat hairy overgrown oaf of a man, or were you just saying those mean things because of my crossdressing?"

It's never helpful when an argument starts to pull in all sorts of unrelated "offenses" that don't focus on the real issue.
My :2c:

[2b.Lauren]

In the moment when the two of you were prepared and ready for bed, yes you did the right thing. Any other answer would have led to a fight. I had to learn things like that the hard way. Cause a statement similar to that of any kind not even related to dressing would have evoked the living demon in me and the B within would have came out. Now is the time to bring it up again. To say look we need to take a moment to talk about that comment/conversation we had in bed the other night. When is a good time for us to sit down and talk? Then proceed to talk about how that hurt and bothered you. Staying calm and rational. She was not trying to be nice here at all. So it needs to be discussed and aired out. Let her know how bad that hurt and how you feel. If you don't soon it is going to be the big pink elephant in the room.

[gigiluv]

Staci,

I wish I could add something here. Something that would help you and ease you, but I cant. All I can say, and I think I am speaking for most of those who posted here is: I am sorry you are hurt, and all of us are hurt a little with your episode. I feel with you, but I can't fix. I can only share, and that I do willingly. I am so sorry.

You handled it the only way you could.

[Shananigans]

You're much nicer than I am. I would have told her to stop talking about herself. :devil:

[Karen564]

I think you handled very well, but now it's time to do something about it !!!!!.....Like get rid of the hair & go on a diet....That'll show her.....:D

[SusanLCD]

I applaud you for handling that so well. Almost any other response would have turned into something unpleasant and much better handled in the light of day than at bedtime. But, I can understand that you probably felt pretty badly hurt while you tried to go to sleep. It hurts all of us to know that.

Although you've posted many times, I don't recall whether your SO has accepted or even knows of Staci. Judging only by the way you've related the story, I must conclude that she is not accepting of it and it is bothering her. A personal attack of that type would imply that she's got something to say but hasn't said it. So, as most others here have said, you will need to get that out into the open, or it will become worse. When doing so, try to discuss the problem she is having with the situation and not on how badly you feel she treated you. If you can focus on the issue and not on the people involved (your SO and you), you stand a better chance of preventing it from escalating.

One other idea. Try not to retaliate. If she's feeling irritated by your CDing, it may stir that up even more if you react by doing something to "show her how wrong she is." Just continue to conduct yourself as you would have had this not come up. When you discuss it, be respectful of her feelings and request that she be the same toward you.

Good luck. You've done well, so far.

[AllieSF]

I agree with ReineD. Maybe you do not have to tell her that at that moment, but don't let it go too long before bringing it up to her. I think that not informing the other partner that those comments hurt is just the way that someone will end up in that dreaded mode of not communicating any more with the other. I also think that it also sometimes contributes significantly to the don't ask, don't tell syndrome that so many couples suffer here. You may already have good communications with your wife, but in general communications is the only way to resolve issues before they become problems and to determine where you both are going as a couple. Sweeping it under the rug gives too much control to the other party that will lead to more serious issues down the road.

[crossX]

Last night My wife and I were talking about crossdressing (again) anyway she said I probably dress up when shes gone away, I did neither deny nor discount designer shoes (http://www.dgksneakers.com/designer_shoe/) confirm I just said hmmm good idea. She said I better not because in her words "would be a big fat hairy overgrown oaf as a woman". That hurt, but I just said well maybe not. and turned over went to sleep. How do ya'll think I should have handled that?


I think that you handled it pretty well. She should have not made that insult to you especially knowing that you enjoy the things you do. Of course you could have handled it in a way which made her feel bad for saying that but you handled it the same way I would have! :D:D

[victoriamwilliams1]

You did it the same way I did and said more than me. I am not out for the same reason, the test questions get a fail each time.

[GingerLeigh]

Big fat hairy oaf? Hmmmph. We all dream of passing, but I'm not delusional. I know I'm not the prettiest gurl out there. Honestly though, it's not how I look that matters as much as it's how I feel when I'm dressed.

It just sucks to hear your wife say it.

Ginger

[SusieK]

Staci,
I feel your hurt with you:hugs:. My wife recently criticised both my choice of skirt and how I looked in it in no uncertain terms, and I was surprised just how hurtful it felt:sad:.

Can you clarify for those of us who don't know you that well, whether your wife knows that you dress or not. The way I read your post, she doesn't know officially, but may have an inkling based on your conversations and TV viewing. If this is the case, then it may be a knee-jerk reaction based on fear and lack of understanding.

It sounds like you did the right thing at the time, but where you go next depends on how much your wife knows.

If she does know, then it's probably worth letting her know that you found her comments hurtful (though you know she didn't mean to hurt you?).

If not, then it's rather more tricky... Either way, try to keep communication channels open, and try not to take it too hard. Either she didn't appreciate the impact of her comments, or she is struggling with accepting your dressing or the possibility of you dressing, in which case you both need reassurance.

good luck,

Susie

[jenifer m.]

wow what a meany she is.just ignore comments like that if you reply then you just fuel her.and things could get ugly.

[Fab Karen]

It's hard to tell from here - was she being mean, or just picking on you the way some couples do to each other? :Poke:

and ( in that case )the reason to remain a couple is what?

[Hope]

Was she serious?

I think instead of taking that sort of abuse, I would have invited her to sleep in the guest room.

"Really? You see me as a fat harry oaf? Charming. Why don't you go sleep in the guest room then, because you sure aren't welcome here."

What would she have said if you had called her a fat disgusting cow?

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I would have said, "oh, so I'd be like you?" But that would not have been the right way to go at all. The sad thing is that I'd know it was a bad idea at the time, but I'd still say it because I wouldn't be able to pass up the opportunity.

[t-girlxsophie]

What a hurtful comment from a Loved one,am sure you handled the right way,I dont think I could have stayed silent.I hope she may realise herself that what she said was wrong.

[AmiFL]

I agree.... i saw you profile pic.... big hairy oaf.... NOT

[Rachel_Red]

how long has she known and how did she find out about you being TG, sometimes how we discover affects our picture in the beginning and it can be difficult to alter that :sad:

I have to agree without the facts its hard to tell you how you could have responded. From what I can guess she found out after you were married? The fact that she never heard anything about your CDing untill after the big day may make her feel as though you betrayed her trust. She may feel as though the man she married is an illusion... a mask. In which case its your job to ensure to her that you are the person she married and that its just something you like to do and she won't lose you. (Again I don't know the facts behind the issue so this is all guess work)

After reading the forums for a while now I've found one important fact, telling your SO you're a CDer/TG/TV or anything before getting to deep into the relationship is important. The fact that you're married means that you're beyond the "hi I'm..." part. Your job now is to find out what is wrong... where the negativity is coming from and try to find a solution that will make everyone happy. Marriage is a give and take relationship, it sounds like you did a good job of diffusing your emotions and avoiding a fight, however don't let her walk all over you and don't push her away by doing things behind her back.

[Satrana]

On the assumption that she deliberately tried to hurt you to dissuade you from crossdressing, telling her that you were hurt by her comments may not achieve the right result, in fact it may encourage her to repeat it if she feels her strategy is working.

So when you do talk to her you need to let her know that no matter what mean remarks she makes, you will not stop dressing because this is part of who you are. For the sake of the relationship and to make her hurt less inside she needs to come to terms with this and compromise. Education and support are key to overcoming ignorance and prejudice. So I would take her comments as an opportunity to tackle the big picture issues and to address her feelings.

[ptp009]

Yes tell her "Yeah I'd look like your mother". That will get her attention

[Andrea's Lynne]

Sounds like a delicate situation all around. Did she know of your desire to crossdress before you were married?

[Ruth]

I don't know what your usual conversations are like so I can't really tell how strong this comment was, but it may not be all bad. She may be trying to convince herself of something.
One thing that my wife finds uncomfortable about my CDing is that I make a fairly convincing woman when dressed (I know my avatar is not exactly a film-star lookalike, but I said convincing, not beautiful).
I think my wife would prefer if I looked like a big hairy oaf when dressed.