Working things out.

[Sandra]

This is for everyone to reply to. :D

Why do you think your SO hasn’t tried to work things out when she found out that you were cder/ts.?

If your SO has come round then what did you both do to get to where you are now.?

GGs your input would be very welcomed as well :)

[Sheila]

seriously I think sometimes the CDer does not want the input of their GG, if they have been discovered and for them it without getting explicit it is a very private thing :sad:

[Katesback]

Fear, frustration, ignorance, assumptions, expectations, are just a few thoughts that come to mind.

Most people dont have a clue about transgender people.

[minalost]

In a perfect world we all told our SO before getting married and life is good. In reality 90% of us didn’t, all for what we thought were good reasons at the time. So…

For me it wasn’t a case of coming out as much as being found out. I would guess it’s rougher to be caught than to fess up. At least you can plan ahead and try to set the mood or do something to lessen the impact if you’re telling her. If you’re caught it’s a bam-in-the-face shock for both of you!

After the crying and name calling comes communication and education. When my wife first found out, about 10 years ago or so, I purchased her a book called (I think...) “The Crossdresser’s Wife.” I think that helped.

About 7 years ago I purged (for reasons I though were good at the time). Then, about 5 months ago the urge became too strong to resist. Before I got “caught” again I sat my wife down and told her that I was dressing again. She wasn’t happy, but we talked about it. We set up some rules and boundaries. She went on line (something we didn’t have 10 years ago) and got some more education.

Today I still don’t have a full wardrobe, and I don’t bring it up a lot, and I don’t “dress up” when she is home. It’s not perfect, and like I said above, it’s a work in progress.

The key (I think) is communication and education. Love and honesty also help.
:hugs:

[sherri52]

When I was married my wife wouldn't listen at all. I told her about the dressing and she didn't want to talk about it. She later caught me in the basement (years later) and went off her rocker so to speak. The marriage ended soon thereafter

[Sandra]

Mina

It's good to hear that you are both at least trying and working at it. :)

I agree that communication is one of the biggest things, and imo if something is bothering either party then something should be said.

As a GG I can understand why some GGs just don't want to try to work things out, and one of the biggest reason is they have been lied to and deceived.

Yes some can and do get things sorted and live a mainly happy life with their SO but like the saying goes "it takes two" and at times the TG person is in a world of their own, and some assume that because the SO knows then she should be the all accepting partner, but as some know it don't work like that.

[EnglishRose]

My wife moves steadily towards different kinds of acceptance all the time. She's gone from quailing at the thought of my dressing around her, through accepting it occasionally, through accepting it whenever I need to. I recently admitted to be much further along the TG spectrum than she thought and although I scared her mightily, she's also intimated that she could find a way to stay together if I needed to do something about it. Not only did she turn my whole life around when I met her, she's showed why she's my soul mate, she understands me I know how important it is to return that support.

[Di]

in a perfect world we all told our so before getting married and life is. In reality 90% of us didn’t, all for what we thought were good reasons at the time. So…

i totally agree back in the day before the internet ect.....with all the knowledge and info that this is not something that is wrong and you are not alone....that with us gg's trying to tell you that in most cases it is the deception that is the hardest to get over....soooooo my biggest hope is that from here on out in a relationship we tell when starting to be serious so alot of the hurt can be avoided on both sides.

the key (i think) is communication and education. Love and honesty also help.
:hugs:

I TOTALLY AGREE that communication, education PLUS Love and honesty help.

[ReineD]

Why do you think your SO hasn’t tried to work things out when she found out that you were cder/ts.?
When this happens, I think it is because the couple is already disconnected in their marriage. There are either one or several other issues that are not resolved such as control issues, lack of emotional and sexual intimacy, lack of respect, self-centered behaviors, to name a few. Or the wife may have sensed the husband was hiding something, and she has built up mistrust and resentments over time. This does more to erode a marriage than anything else.

EDIT
Ooops, forgot a few things:
1) Moral or religious objections can also be an issue.
2) If the wife feels the CDing is only a hobby and her husband has a choice, she may think this is something that can go away.



If your SO has come round then what did you both do to get to where you are now.?

I'm guessing that couples in this situation are connected emotionally and physically. They have good relationship skills such as the ability to communicate and compromise, since their relationship is as much a priority as their individual needs.



Sandra, I hope it's OK to add the rest of my comments in answer to a third question:


Why do you think your once accepting SO has changed her mind and no longer wants to have anything to do with the CDing?
Perhaps she felt like an accessory. Over time she discovered it was all about you. She felt that in your mind, nothing could compare to the CDing in terms of bringing you joy and excitement, not even her, and no matter the level of the CDing, it was never enough. She saw her husband change from a guy who occasionally liked to get in touch with a female side, to a person who resented being her husband.

EDIT
Ooops, forgot something here too.
If in an effort to support her husband the wife goes faster than she feels comfortable, the situation can implode to the point where she no longer wants anything to do with it.

[minalost]

As a GG I can understand why some GGs just don't want to try to work things out, and one of the biggest reason is they have been lied to and deceived.

Yes some can and do get things sorted and live a mainly happy life with their SO but like the saying goes "it takes two" and at times the TG person is in a world of their own, and some assume that because the SO knows then she should be the all accepting partner, but as some know it don't work like that.

I would not have blamed my wife if she had left me when I was first caught. She didn't sign up for this, and I lied to her repeatedly. All grounds for splitting up. But I would hope that she would first try to understand what was going on before making her decision. Turns out she did and we are still together. I think that speaks to her strength of personality, and our level of commitment.

And you're also right about some CDers getting so caught up in our own little "drama" that we sometimes exclude the people we need the most. This causes distance in a relationship and further damages the trust we need to make it work. This is something I need to constantly keep in mind. What should my first priority be? A) Finding time to dress up, or B) finding time to spend with my wife? If you answered A you are in for a rocky marriage.

This is a good thread :). Thanks for starting it!
:hugs:

[katies27]

Divorced twice, both ex's found out some time into marriage and did not accept or support, CDing was not the reason for divorce, but both have subsequently thrown it back in my face so they don't have to accept the real reasons we did not get on (the first left me for another woman.... a missed oportunity perhaps??).
Third time lucky, I was not going to take any chances with this one so told her early on. Totally accepting and supportive!
Maybe it is a trust/ honesty thing, or maybe just 33% of GG's are capable of being understanding.

Will not be trying to find out if it is 25 or 50%.

Katie

[Karen564]

Hmmm,

I really do admire all the wonderful women & men that have worked things out in their relationship to stay together...I think that's so beautiful & romantic..:huggles

But my relationship was doomed for many reasons...

Not to mention that even if it could be saved, it still wouldn't work, because I would of felt trapped in lesbian relationship with her, and that felt as wrong to me, as much it felt wrong to her.........I truly wish I felt differently & God knows that I really tried too, but then realized the only one I was fooling was myself on many levels..

So now, I'm just a woman that prefers men....
But still won't throw out the idea of being Bi if the chemistry turned into mutual ecstasy with the right person..

After lots of soul searching, this girl knows what she wants, what I don't want & what I'm open to....:battingeyelashes:

:hugs:

[Mackenzie]

About 10 years ago I walked into the bedroom early in the morning to bring my sweetie her coffee as I have done for many years. This time I had on a wonderful camisole. She asked "what are you doing with that on?" I was ashamed and went and took it off.

I told her that I enjoyed putting on women's lingerie. We had several talks, she read stuff on the net. I wrote out some feelings and verbally explained them in more detail.

I threw away all that I had at the time. Over the years, this "purging" has happened 5 times, at great expense. It wasn't because she was against my dressing up, but I was struggling with whether I should or not. As a man, should I have fun putting on lingerie, dresses, skirts, makeup, jewelry, etc.? That's what I was asking myself.

I do not do things behind my wife's back. If I did, I would think I have a low view of my wife and our marriage. The only way to have a great marriage is to be open and honest. If it means that you sacrifice your pleasures in order to make your wife happy and have a wonderful marriage, then that is what you should do. Nothing is worth breaking up a marriage over, or even causing disruptions.

That isn't what some might want to hear, but I believe it to be true. Love your wife, be open and real with her, talk with her and listen to her side and try to understand where she is coming from. She might be threatened, thinking she is losing the man she married, wondering where all this will head. She may wonder if you are gay or wanting a sex change. There could be all kinds of concerns that are troubling her heart. If we love our wifes, we will love them even at the expense of our pleasures.

Mackenzie

[crossX]

In a perfect world we all told our SO before getting married and life is good. In reality 90% of us didn’t, all for what we thought were good reasons at the time. So…

For me it wasn’t a case of coming out as much as being found out. I would guess it’s rougher to be caught than to fess up. At least you can plan ahead and try to set the mood or do something to lessen the impact if you’re telling her. If you’re caught it’s a bam-in-the-face shock for both of you!

After the crying and name calling comes communication and education. When my wife first found out, about 10 years ago or so, I purchased her a book called (I think...) “The Crossdresser’s Wife.” I think that helped.

About 7 years ago I purged (for reasons I though were good at the time). Then, about 5 months ago the urge became too strong to resist. Before I got “caught” again I sat my wife down and told her that Jordans (http://www.dgksneakers.com/) I was dressing again. She wasn’t happy, but we talked about it. We set up some rules and boundaries. She went on line (something we didn’t have 10 years ago) and got some more education.

Today I still don’t have a full wardrobe, and I don’t bring it up a lot, and I don’t “dress up” when she is home. It’s not perfect, and like I said above, it’s a work in progress.

The key (I think) is communication and education. Love and honesty also help.
:hugs:

:thumbsup:

I think, like you said, the best thing that you can do is to be honest and at time changes do need to be made but you can meet each other halfway so to speak.

:thumbsup:

[ReineD]

The only way to have a great marriage is to be open and honest. If it means that you sacrifice your pleasures in order to make your wife happy and have a wonderful marriage, then that is what you should do.

Successful relationships are those when the relationship is as important to the couple as individual needs, and that means developing an ability to compromise. For both. It can't all just be one-sided.

I understand the difficulty in compromising if the husband wants to transition or s/he becomes interested in men, or if the husband wants to express her femininity during every spare moment and the fundamental nature of their sexual relationship changes. But this would be a different topic?

[Midnight Skye]

Our Key to making it work, Communication: Talk, Fight, Adjust, Talk, Fight, Adjust...

My wife and I went on an emotional rollercoaster ride which were not entirely off yet. But I honestly was quite lucky. I told my wife roughly one year after we married. She was very upset. She did some research over the next two days and then talked with me. The things she found on her own were incredible... she told me she learned that crossdressers are never "cured" and they effectively cross dress for life despite the emotional mess it can cause them. When looking at it this way she told me we'd fit it in somehow.

Since then its been hordes of communication, with me searching for myself. In the process I've pushed pretty much every boundary which caused her to naturally get upset. After each each emotional battle we'd find new ground to stand on and communicate our way through. Communication and a deep love for each other has kept us together. It's rough though as the end conclusion is I'm transgendered and living more and more like a transgendered woman. How far this goes is still in the air for us. But if we keep communicating and working together I'm sure we'll make it through all life's struggles.

[minalost]

Successful relationships are those when the relationship is as important to the couple as individual needs, and that means developing an ability to compromise. For both. It can't all just be one-sided.


But if we keep communicating and working together I'm sure we'll make it through all life's struggles.

I agree. Compromise is the name of the game if your relationship is going to work. If one partner isn't willing to then it's not going to work. Just flat giving up something you enjoy as much as most of us enjoy (some would say NEED) crossdressing just to make the other partner happy is not good grounds for a lasting relationship.
:hugs:

[Sheila]

( Just a quick word about the "lies, deceit " issue from the wife`s/SO point of view, i personally think just putting it down to that over simplifies things .

Sorry Joanne from a GG SO who discovered her Ex (and I mean discovered), was a CDER, the lies and deceit issue is not over simplifying things, it is the major issue MOST of us have to get over before we can move forward.

Having seen it from both sides of the fence, the First not knowing till 2 and a half years later, and then knowing about Debs even before we got heavily involved I know which I found easier:)

[Sandra]

( Just a quick word about the "lies, deceit " issue from the wife`s/SO point of view, i personally think just putting it down to that over simplifies things .

Really....I think a lot of the GGs here may disagree with you.

As Sheila has said those issues have to be gotten over with first before most can move on, and then those issues can still come up again.

[AKAMichelle]

My wife doesn't accept because of religious beliefs and the way she was raised. We have tried to work through this issue but to no avail. If this was the only issue then we would work harder to find a solution. For the last year, I packed all of my clothes up in a mini-storage.

Now the other problems have piled on so much that we are separating for the last time in May. We will file divorce papers in June and end a 25+ year marriage. I thought I would be more upset but I'm not. I only feel relief in finally getting peace back into my life.

[minalost]

( Just a quick word about the "lies, deceit " issue from the wife`s/SO point of view, i personally think just putting it down to that over simplifies things .


Really....I think a lot of the GGs here may disagree with you.

As Sheila has said those issues have to be gotten over with first before most can move on, and then those issues can still come up again.

When all is said and done the only thing about crossdressing that I feel guilty about is the deception. This is what will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you can lie about this to your life partner, what else could you be lying about? Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing stones here, I'm just as guilty as everyone else whos lied to their wife about crossdressing. I'm just saying that this is, in many cases, that hardest thing for an SO to overcome. Is it the only thing? Of course not. Some just can't deal, for what ever reason, with having a crossdressing husband.
:hugs:

[SouthernBelle.GG]

This is for everyone to reply to. :D

Why do you think your SO hasn’t tried to work things out when she found out that you were cder/ts.?

Maybe because she found out months/years into the relationship and then it was her partner that refused to 'work things out'. Although she tried to understand and be supportive, her SO didn't accept it. Mainly because he didn't feel worthy or accept himself.

That used to be my life, anyway.


If your SO has come round then what did you both do to get to where you are now.?

He has come around - somewhat. We're now able to sometimes talk/discuss his CDing and his feelings and experiences. We still have a lot of work to do though. Especially those days when I'm not having a particularly spectacular day and he internalizes it into me really not accepting the CDing. At those times, I have to remind him it's not all about the CDing and that I'm allowed to have a bad day because I'm stressed, or the kids are fussing, or I'm feeling dowdy, or I forgot to relay an important message, or the car is acting up, or...

[Sandy Banks]

She thinks I'm a pervert and uses it as a tool to keep from having sex with me.....:sad:

[kimdl93]

in our case, I told my SO before we were engaged. She was OK with it, really quite supportive. Now that our kids are moved out, I can dress freely pretty much full time.

I have great empathy for those who haven't told their SO, or got a bad reaction when they did. Not everyone can be open before they enter into an LTR...we may not even know ourselves that we're CDers when we do form an attachment.

[Sarah_GG]

If your SO has come round then what did you both do to get to where you are now.?

GGs your input would be very welcomed as well :)

When my SO first told me I was relieved this secret I knew he was keeping wasn't another woman... as such! He felt unburdened for the first time in his life and my acceptance of him helped him to accept himself.

Even though I was (and still am) a supportive and accepting SO, I was slightly overwhelmed to start with when four huge boxes full of clothes arrived, a fortune was spent on breast forms and my SOs internet surfing habits were completely focused on clothing. The 'pink fog' engulfed my SO and manifest itself in clothes, clothes, clothes, clothes... and hair removal! It's my SOs body and he can do what he likes with it... however, I need to see my man is still there, so whilst I don't mind the hair-free legs, chest etc I draw the line at smooth and hair-free forearms and long nails are a major turn off too. So we compromise.

Initially we talked about it fairly non-stop which I found really helpful. I got all the books (MHB, My Husband..., She's not the man..., Alice in Genderland... etc) and read them. Then he read the books and we talked about them. We now talk about the subject freely and easily.

Sometimes I feel resentful that any spare moment alone together (without any one of our four teen kids) was spent en femme. As much as I enjoyed dressing up, the novelty quickly wore off... it was no fun for me to dress up as a woman since I already am one! Now days I say if I'd rather he didn't dress... but then tbh it's not that big a deal anymore.

What's helped me the most is having this forum. I come here to appreciate where my SO is on the broad spectrum, have a laugh with the girls, offload any frustrations. My SO still doesn't come here though. The other major thing is having my own creative interest or passion which is photography. Sometimes we combine the two passions (luckily for my SO!) to create some nice photographs.

We've also found a great place to go out. It's about once a quarter and a great fun night of dancing and lovely people. We're slightly over the hill so don't need to go clubbing but we enjoy getting dressed up and going out when the occasion arises.

That's how we deal with it on an every day level. There are occasional frustrations and petty grievances but no more than in any other relationship... in fact probably a lot less.

[Alice B]

After initial discussion (in depth) my wife has come to accept my dressing and need to do so. She is still not completely comfortable having me dressed around her, but at the same time is comfortable with allowing me to go out dressed on occasion. She has come to accept my being totally shaved, wearing panties, nighties, etc. and having painted toe nails. It has been a slow, but steady growth for us both. The key has been assuring her that I am still the same person she married and that I will do nothing to embarrass or compromise her. She has not and never will be a participant in my dressing, but that is OK.

[charlie]

Hello Sandra!
My wife hates the fact that I dress, but loves me. She says CD is perverted, weird and "not normal". She can't work it out because she can't accept something that strange and different to her. She also believes that God would not approve of me dressing in woman's clothes. As such, she decries what I do time and again, but knows that I dress when I go away on business.

[Joanne f]

OK i should not have put that as i can see that i have been completely misunderstood as to what i meant by that statement and it would be unfair to elaborate on it here, but i am not implying what you think .

[Stitch]

I consider myself a very open minded girl, and very accepting of my partners need to cross dress. I help him to choose outfits, I mend any wear and tear on clothing, give him honest opinions on how he looks and playfully chastise him for how he keeps his clothes. (He doesn't iron :doh:)
Anyway my partner told me on our second date and I was blown away from his honesty and the fact that it took a lot of guts to tell me. It gave me great respect for him early on. It also gave me the choice to walk away should I have wanted and put the ball completely in my court. I stayed naturally, and I see him as the partner I want to grow old with. Sitting on the sofa, wearing cardigans, comfy slippers and eating biscuits while watching comedy. :)

I'll probably sound very harsh at this point though. Had I found out down the line that he had been hiding things from me lying to my face, I would have walked. Even though I am open minded and accepting.
I'm not prepared to hang on to a person who decided to keep me in the dark about parts of them self and take the power of choice out of my hands. I'd rather be alone then be with someone who can hide such a large part of their life from me, when we are supposed to be a team founded on love and trust.
I don't mean to judge other peoples relationships, but I've already dated one Compulsive Liar and I refuse to do it again. When I don't trust my partner my personality tends to turn ugly. I become horrifically insecure and paranoid and I won't put my happiness behind someone else again.

[Sarah_GG]

OK i should not have put that as i can see that i have been completely misunderstood as to what i meant by that statement and it would be unfair to elaborate on it here, but i am not implying what you think .

Oh... did I miss something?

[lee in a skirt]

I told my SO as soon as we got together as I didnt want her to find out later down the line. For the first year she completely ignored it as in her words she hated it and pretended it didnt happen. Throughout that time now and again I dropped casual hints which she didnt like. Then I just said look read this and Ill never mention it again. She read it then when I was on a break at work she texted me saying when I come home were going shopping and then well take it from there. Since then its been great, theres a few rules set around the dos and the donts but nothing I cant handle and occasionsly she doesnt like it but its all good.

My advice is push her in the right direction information wise as there is a lot of information out there and most of it is not good.

[Sandra]

Well I guess I'll reply to my own question :D

I was told about Nigella a few months after we got married. I thought hmmm ok I can cope with this and did so by talking and asking questions. We didn't have the internet so it was just me and Nigella and her trying to explian things to me as much as she could.

We hit a bad patch which was my fault, I've posted about this on here before and if you want to read then so a search :D

Anyway we set some boundaries and again talked with each other, not at each other. We eventually got onto the www and this helped me more to understand.

Soooo for me I was mostly helped by sitting down and talking about what was going on and things not being rushed.

Being TG needs to be worked out together, not one pulling one way and the other pulling in the opposite direction it will never work like that....and just remember that at times some SOs aren't sure as to whether to say anything, so maybe once in a while just ask if there is anything that they would like to chat about.