How to tell my dad?

[Rianna Humble]

Hi, some of you may remember that when I introduced myself, I said I couldn't let my dad know - he's 88 and I don't think that he will understand about transgender. The only cases of cross-dressing (apart from comedy acts) that he is aware of are people like Boy George and Eddie Izzard who he dismisses as queers and perverts :sad:

Now, it has come to a point where I need to find a way to tell him because I will soon be seeking help from my GP with a view to transitioning sooner rather than later. I don't feel like I can put off telling him much longer, but I don't want to hurt him. What should I do?

He has noticed a few things but so far doesn't seem to have put 2 and 2 together. The latest was when he came into my room and I forgot I was wearing my sandals not boy-shoes :eek:

I am taking notes from the sticky about how to tell an SO, but this is different and I could really use some advice as well as some moral support.

=======================================

Here is my first attempt at answering some of the questions that I think are relevant:

Are you gay or bisexual?

Neither of those things, this isn't about sex it's about me feeling like I was born in the wrong body

Do you want to become a woman?

Desperately

Do you want breast implants or surgery?

That might come later, but not at this stage

Are you mentally ill?

No, this is not an illness

Do you need to see a doctor?

I will be seeing a doctor because that is the way to move forward towards becoming the real me

Are you going to try to stop?

I fought this for over 45 years, thinking that there was something wrong with me, or something sick or evil about my desire to wear women's clothes and to become a woman. Now I have come to accept myself, I feel much freer inside.

Is this some kind of kinky sex fetish?

This has nothing to do with sex

What will our neighbours/friends/ your employer think if they find out?

I'm not sure about the neighbours, I believe my few real friends will accept me for who I am, my employer has supportive policies already in place.

Who can I talk to about this?

???

Wearing women’s clothes seems morally wrong to me.

This is not a moral issue. When you were younger, women were not able to wear slacks in everyday situations but now no-one thinks anything of that. I feel freer to be myself when I wear a skirt or a dress, and now I want to be able to do that openly without causing you any hurt.

[kym]

boy sis you are in a quandry. only idea i can come up with is to tell him the truth, but in a gentle way. It is a "condition"(for lack of better word and not enough coffee to think this morning lol)that you were born with and it is who you are and who his child is inside. I understand that you want the outside to match what you feel inside, tel him that as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you sis, if you need me, pm me on here or on face book.

hugs and kisses
kym

[Jessy]

Did he ever express anything about this subject, when maybe seeing such a comedy act, or a queer, on television?
I think it's important to bring it in a gentle way, as said before. You should definitely make him feel that it isn't a failure from his side as a father.


Who can I talk to about this?

???
Maybe after you have visited a doctor specialized in this matter, it would be an idea to bring him along one time so he can ask questions, or just talk about the subject.

I don't know if I'm a really big help here. But I wish you the best of luck and I'll pray for you that he takes it well.

[Melinda G]

Now, it has come to a point where I need to find a way to tell him because I will soon be seeking help from my GP with a view to transitioning sooner rather than later. I don't feel like I can put off telling him much longer, but I don't want to hurt him. What should I do?

He has noticed a few things but so far doesn't seem to have put 2 and 2 together. The latest was when he came into my room and I forgot I was wearing my sandals not boy-shoes

I am taking notes from the sticky about how to tell an SO, but this is different and I could really use some advice as well as some moral support.


If he's 88, let him finish out his life remembering his son as a son. You likely don't have to wait too much longer. If you sense he won't take it well, why hurt him at this stage of his life. Put your own desires on hold for a while longer. Years from now, you'll be glad you did. It might save you a lot of guilt and anguish after he's gone.

[Rianna Humble]

If he's 88, let him finish out his life remembering his son as a son. You likely don't have to wait too much longer. If you sense he won't take it well, why hurt him at this stage of his life. Put your own desires on hold for a while longer. Years from now, you'll be glad you did. It might save you a lot of guilt and anguish after he's gone.

I had fully intended to try to let him live out his life in peace, but there are the various signs he has noticed but not yet commented fully upon - nail varnish, shoes, tights (although he called them stockings).

Also it is getting much harder for me to live with pretending to be a man. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and a terrible sense of foreboding every time I have to put on boy-clothes to the point where I am going to have to look for some help through my doctor very soon...

[Melinda G]

Everyone has to decide for themselves, what is best for their situation. Good luck.

[t-girlxsophie]

Rianna,maybe you should show your Dad,The recent tv prog Eddie Izzard,marathon man where he ran 46 marathons in 30odd days,show him that There is nothing Deviant about anyone who Dresses up,that they are just normal people,who happen to like feminine things.I hope you find a way to tell him,and that he may suprise you with his reactions

[Rianna Humble]

It seems I may not have the option to leave him in ignorance for much longer as he asked me why I "colour my nails" whilst we were in a restaurant this evening. I told him that it was a long story but promised him an answer soon.

Thank you for that suggestion Sophie, it might well help him to understand.

[SusieK]

Rianna,
you clearly care deeply for your father and his feelings, and presumably he has done his best to be a good father to his little boy.

It seems to me that there will be (at least) two different aspects of any revelation that you make that he will have to deal with.

Firstly the impact of the current situation, and his reaction and attitudes to TG issues and reconciling that with the son that he thought he knew - possibly the easy part.

Secondly, as you say you have fought with this for over 45 years, he may feel that he has failed you as a father. If you have had a happy childhood and adulthood so far, despite your internal struggle, then make sure you let him know. If you feel that you have been unhappy your whole life because of this, and finally reached breaking point, then you may need to consider how much of that he needs to know. Maybe phrasing it along the lines of "I've always felt I was different".

Best of luck in finding the words, I hope it works out for you and your father.

Susie

[DiannaRose]

Ri, I feel for you, you know that. You also know you're in my prayers.

Your dad is an adult, which means you have a certain expectation that he'll be able to reasonable handle things that upset him--whereas if he was a child, you wouldn't have the same expectation. How we expect a person to BE ABLE TO handle information must be a factor in any form of communication--communication is a two-way process.

You also can't always worry about hurting someone, when the price is always the burying of your own feelings. That's one thing my therapist has taught me. If he gets upset, you have a reasonable expectation that he should be able to at least talk about his feelings with you.

I guess I'm trying to say you can't hide forever, and you already have some openings. I think you should sit him down and talk to him. Answer his questions as best you can. Accept his emotions but don't let them drive you back. Let him know you're still you.

It's a very similar situation to telling an SO (he IS an SO in your life, after all, of a sort), so all the advice for telling an SO is stiull valid.

All my best, Ri. I know you'll keep us posted.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I think you'll be surprised how accepting of it he might be. It's much easier to be so judgemental about people you don't know than someone you love. Just tell him while in drab.

[Rianna Humble]

Thank you all for your support and advice. Sat down for a talk this afternoon (UK time) with my dad and told him the bare bones about being transgendered.

He had no idea, so I mentioned that I had been trying to hide it from everyone including myself for a great many years.

I carefully explained that it was not something that anyone can do or has done that made me that way and reminded him that he and I are still alike in many ways.

I explained that this is not a disease or an illness, but that trying to hide it had made me depressed and so I am exploring what being transgendered means for me. I told him I will be seeking help through the doctor to see a counsellor.

I also mentioned that my reputation for compassion and understanding comes from that part of my personality.

I was able to reassure him that this does not make me gay. I also told him that I like the comfort of women's clothes, but didn't push that part just yet.

His response was that he is sorry for my suffering but I am what I am, and nothing will change that. He also said that he will not discuss this with anyone else but he was concerned that others seeing my nails etc. might treat me as "a poofter".

I got the feeling that this was as far as he could go on the first chat, so left it there.

[Laura Evans]

Happy for you the conversation went well and that he seems accepting but I agree with you to let him digest it for a while and let him take the lead if he wants to discuss it further.:hugs:for you dear.

[Bernadina]

Sounds like your Dad is one cool guy. I'm glad it worked out well so far.

[Jessy]

I'm happy to hear the first conversation went so well.

[Ruth]

Wow Rianna, I am so pleased and proud of you that you had 'the talk'.
It sounds as if it went as well as could be expected. I've told you before that I think you are a very brave person for pursuing your path the way that you have (in the work situation). It would be so wonderful if you could have acceptance in the domestic situation as well.
I envy you for your bravery and success.
Love,
Ruth

[Veronica Nowakowski]

See, more accepting than you thought.

[Emma Leigh]

Rianna, I was going to say, as others have, that given your fathers age, I would be inclined to do nothing at this stage, morbid as it may sound, but I am in a very similar position with my mother of 82, so my position is a considered one, however you have it appears already told him to a degree, and from what you say it has gone very well, and I am very pleased for you.

[Teri Jean]

My father passed over twelve years ago so he had no idea but my father-in-law is another story and he was so accepting. The person that fell in love with his daughter, married her and buried her three years ago. He told me I was his favorite son-in-law and nothing has changed.

[CamilleLeon]

I'm really happy to hear that Rianna. It sounds like he'll support you. A few more talks might be good for him, but let him think it through on his own

[Kari Lynn Franks]

you know I went through the same thing with my wifes nana 3 months ago she treated me just like one of her own grandsons for the past 23 yrs and I have always kept this side of me a secret from her because I didnt think she would still love me if she knew well she was 91 and she ended up in the hospital and we knew she was dying I spent many of nights with her so she wouldnt be lonlely and I just couldnt keep it a secret any more so I told her I needed to tell her something she said ok and i just said im a crossdresser that i loved wearing womans clothes and carrying a purse she asked me if I was gay and I made it clear that I was happily married and have no intrest in guys she said ok so whats the problem she said she still loved me and if thats what makes me complete then its not her place to judge we cried together and I told her that I was sorry for not trusting her enough to tell her years ago well she past away 3 weeks later and I feel she execepted me for who I am and she still loves me I miss her very much im sorry this was so long maybe it will help if I can be of any more assistance pm me
huggs Carrie

[Nicole Erin]

My dad was kind of the same way. Of course he just hit 73 and learned of this about 7 years ago.
He finally asked me about it one day and I explained things.

Basically, I think your dad might say later that he wished you didn't or "You are such a handsome man, I don't understand why..."

However, I don't think you will regret telling him, I mean it didn't ruin your relationship so all is well. Do be prepared for him to have his druthers that you were not TG but he still loves you.

As Veronica and a few of us always say - people are probably gonna be more accepting than we imagine, especially family.

Now you have a weight off your shoulders, enjoy life, and enjoy your relationship with your dad. All is fine. :)

[Alice Torn]

Ri, Wow! You have more courage than i do. My dad is 89, and a very troubled man, especially since witnessing his twin sons busted by the Feds! He has gad a lifetime of frustration and sex hangups, and alcoholism, and a very troubled marriage. He never really liked me much. I may need to go 2000 miles, and help him there, which will be exceedingly hard for me. I could not tell him, no way! But, I have reason to suspect, that he may have fetishes, with womens clothes, too! Congratulations to you. You have guts! Some fathers, though, one simply would be wise, to not tell.

[t-girlxsophie]

Well Rianna,this is first time on here,I have had a tear in my eye,am so happy that things are going well with your dad,I hope the more you tell him is as well recieved,as always best way is to take it slow,well done
Sophie xx

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry, I have to respond to people who have confused me with someone brave or courageous.

I am happy if my experience has encouraged you, but I really cannot see myself as the leat bit brave. I sat down to have "the talk" with my dad, because I could no longer bear to live as I was - it was making me almost physically sick.

I didn't go into this thinking "Be a hero, Rianna Joyce". Much rather I went into it with much fear and trepidation - as much for my own sanity as for my dad's possible reaction.

If I could have spared my dad ever needing to know, I would gladly have done so, but he had started to notice some signs and I am having more and more difficulty pretending to be a man.

A dictionary defines courage as "The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution;" - I didn't feel at all self-posessed or confident.

Don't mean to put a damper on things and I do truly appreciate the love and support you have shown me, but I really can't see myself as brave in the least.

[Ruth]

Rianna, there is no contradiction between fear and bravery - in fact you could say there is no bravery without fear. But anyway, whatever the case, I still admire what you have done very much.
I hope that things continue to progress and that you find fulfilment at last.
Love,
Ruth