First time "out"

[Bree-asaurus]

Well, I finally gathered up a bit of courage, dressed up and put on makeup and walked out the front door and took a 30-40 minute drive at midnight. It is late and I made sure no one saw me walk to my car, and I seriously doubt anyone noticed much less cared to even look at me at any of the stoplights or stop signs, but oh boy was I nervous!

Just as I started to drive out of my neighborhood I passed a police car going the opposite direction and he suddenly hit his brakes and slowed down... I almost soiled my new skirt! He didn't turn around to follow me but my eyes were glued to that rearview mirror! That is until I passed another cop not half a mile away. They were out in force tonight! Despite my fears, I made it home perfectly fine! Hopefully a little stronger so next time maybe I can step out of the car and fill up at the gas station (or something)!

Just for fun here are some pictures of how I went "out." I haven't posted any pictures of myself here so I figure this is as good of a place as any to start! Sorry for the bad mirror picture... the lighting was terrible and I had to hide the flash.

[GypsyKaren]

The first time is always the hardest, it will get easier and you'll get more confidence in yourself.

KS

[katieblush]

Hiya Brian,hay cool confident look you have there,good luck with your journey,be lucky :) Katie

[Heatherx75]

Hey Bri, congratulations on the first time out. You did exactly what I did the first time I went out, years ago. You look great, by the way. I'm sure that when you work up the courage to go out when people can see you that you'll have no problems. You took a big step and you should be proud of yourself. :hugs:

[luvSophia]

Girl, you look good! I don't think you have as much to worry about as you are probably thinking. I remember the first few times I went driving I always made sure I didn't stop exactly even with another car. I just KNEW they were going to glance over and say "OMG, that's a guy!". I'm not sure just what I thought they would actually do, I just worried about them thinking it. It turns out that no one really looks and very few people really care.

[Felicity71]

You did better than I, the first time i went out was with a female friend. It really does make it far easier. I still remember the fear that i used to have that someone was going to come up to me and shout an obscenity.

Im glad the Police in Australia have now been trained to deal with GLBT issues. Ive talked to them about 6 times on the roads when stopped for random breath tests and half were before i started hormones, once when 2 of them visited my house to talk to someone about an unrelated issue, which they called me Allanah even though my licence wasnt updated yet.

[Diane Smith]

You look way too good to just stay in the car.

- Diane

[Katesback]

For the first two weeks of being out in the public I found this wonderful liquid called Jack Daniels to be very helpful. Just one shot and the nerves calm a bit.

Katie

[Sandra]

It will get easier and soon you'll be wondering why you were so nervous.

Love the pics :)

[Diane Elizabeth]

I have been out several times. It syill scares me when I am alone and feel everyone's eyes on me. I always feel better out when I am with a girl friend or gathering. I do feel I am getting stronger and more confident to go out on my own though. Just takes time.

[viviane]

I know the feeling. I am out all the time but I was tend to get nervous when I am wearing something new and a little more revealing. It's like I have to take time to get to my normal self, or the way I prefer to dress.

There is always a second thought, some fear, and hesitation.

~Vivianne~

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

memories!! ahhh...

you arent doing anything wrong...

these guys have seen TONS of TG people....

they may be checking you out for many reasons..

be aware, but i don't think you need to feel scared..

also, you are lovely...i['d be amazed if you are getting read in a car looking like that...

all the best
Kate

[EnglishRose]

A few years ago I'd take night-time walks like this. I drove somewhere quiet, then walked away from the car, so I knew I was committed to my walk and couldn't make a quick getaway.

The nerves would fade somewhat as soon as I stepped away and if I passed someone in the street, those occasions would be nothing special. Just two people walking in opposite directions.

On reflection that all may have been a little dangerous; my wife thought so especially. I promised not to go out alone again like that.

[Ms Deidre]

Hun, that first step out from behind locked doors is the toughest. The fears subside as time goes on and you become more comfortable with yourself. I had been "out" for years yet when I took the step into transition I felt some of the same fears. Perhaps the scariest day was when I packed up the last of the male clothes and took them to the Salvation Army. I had no saftey net to fall back on anymore and I was shaking in my boots as I dropped off the bags of clothes but I took that step as I knew I had to. You too will take many more steps into your new world, enjoy them! :love:

[MJ]

wow you look great sis with your look you could pass in daylite :hugs:

just get out there. have fun

[StaceyJane]

Once you start you can't stop!

[Sharon]

Ahh, the good old days when I was first venturing out.... I was so self-conscious the first couple times that I would never stop for a red light directly beside another vehicle, sure that the occupants would look at me, make me, and do something awful like point and laugh. :o

You're doing great, Brian! It's all about swallowing hard and pushing yourself a bit more and more until this all becomes old hat to you. It will happen! :hugs:

[carolinoakland]

Honey. He slammed on the brakes to get a longer look at the hottie behind the wheel... Carol

[Faith_G]

I'm glad you went out. :happy:

While going for a drive late at night might feel "safe", as you found you are much more likely to have an encounter with the police, and since there are fewer people out you don't have as good a chance to blend in. You are actually less likely to have a bad experience going to the grocery store in broad daylight.

All you need is some confidence, you look great! :hugs:

[Karen564]

Like everyone else said, You look fantastic..!!:thumbsup:

And that does help a LOT.....

The only thing I remember about my 1st venture going out was of being so terrified & nervous out of my wits.......

But that 1st step was what I needed so I could do it again.....then over time, I finally became more relaxed...:drink:

Fast forward to present, I've been living it 24/7 for over 6 mo's & interacting with the public on a daily basis..and have been Completely comfortable with it....:battingeyelashes:

It's like night & day difference from then to now.....go figure...

So just trying to tell you it DOES get much easier & better the more you do it....

If I can do it in my late 40's, you certainly can do it in your 20's...and better..!! :D

:hugs:

[Teri Jean]

Damn girl Carol is right, I would have hit the brakes also. It will get easier.

[sherri52]

You look great, nothing to worry about there. You could have done it in the daytime and no one would have noticed anything other than a pretty girl.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Don't be afraid, you have only fear to be afraid of. Be yourself and just go out. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Stephenie S]

Congratulations on your first outing.

HOWEVER, remember that although you may feel safer at night in the dark, you are really NOT safer at all. The ONLY women who are out alone at night are "working" girls. Police are gonna look more than twice at you. Drunks and testosterone laden rowdies are gonna look more than twice at you. They are gonna automatically assume that you are "tricking".

You really don't want to get hassled by either one of those groups. The safest time to go out is in daylight to a crowded, busy place like a mall or supermarket.

Be safe, not sorry.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[~Emma D~]

Hi Brian
You do look really good - you should have nothing to fear.
Like others have said, it will get easier.

Make sure you are safe, no matter where you go or do.
Being a woman out at night alone, can have its problems - from personal experience I know that to be true.

Be careful!
:hugs:

[Gillian]

You look gorgeous and I am sure the cops were not in the slightest interested in anything sinister with you. Well done I wish I could do the same I am looking for a time and place to get out now!

[boardpuppy]

You're doing do girl, keep it up. My first time was to a little part not far from I live, it was thrilling and made me want more. The nerves stay for a while but it does get easier.

Hugs,
Alice

[Jessinthesprings]

it gets easier the more you do it and you get to the point where "going back" becomes dreadful.

[TxKimberly]

I think you look wonderful and should have no trouble being out in the world.
I wouldn't concern myself about the police unless your having a drink before you take that drive. There is NOTHING illegal about being in the world cross dressed and they won't give you a hard time.

[Bree-asaurus]

Wow... that is a lot of responses!

Well... I am back in the scared mode. I was talking to a close friend and I'm starting to think twice about going out in public. Not only do I NOT pass, but I will be NOT PASSING in Texas... the "bible belt" as my friend put it. For those who say I do pass... keep in mind that I am 6'5" and not all of my pictures hide my masculinity as well as those two happened to. Passing isn't keeping me from going out though... it's the violent and hateful people that will notice me...

My friend's brother was brutally beaten while out CDing and she is scared that will happen to me. And with the way people down here cling to their ignorant beliefs down here (not bashing faith or religion, just the closed-minded people that give everyone else a bad name), I don't doubt for one second that it could happen to me. My friend is supportive of me, but thinks that if this is something I feel I need to be in public, that I consider moving somewhere a tad safer.

I don't know what to do... but right now I'm back to hiding in the closet.

I think I'm just going to chill out... wait for the next GLBT meeting (will be my first) and keep talking to my shrink.

Thanks for the kind words everyone...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm 6'2 and when i started i wore heels constantly...today i don't..

and your height doesnt matter in a car!!

If you want to go out, and it's causing you anxiety to not go out...then you can easily find a safe place..even if just for a bit...drive down to the 4 seasons, and just walk in and out and say hi to the doorman...he may read you,...but i guarantee he will also smile...just don't hang out like a hooker...btw...i'm not kidding..hotels are wonderful places to practice....i did get stopped by the hotel security on 2 different occasions, but the first time they just asked me if i was ok (ie checked me out), and the 2nd time were more curious and i told them exactly what i was doing and the 2 guys just laughed and said to be careful..

that being said, you are right to have a very real awareness of the issues we can face if we are in the wrong place...in philadelphia we are now plagued by flash mobs of pathetic losers that twitter each other to meet on a corner and beat somebody up....i'm sure we would be a prime target...so i cancelled my outing last nite...

[Karen564]

Wow... that is a lot of responses!

Well... I am back in the scared mode. I was talking to a close friend and I'm starting to think twice about going out in public. Not only do I NOT pass, but I will be NOT PASSING in Texas... the "bible belt" as my friend put it. For those who say I do pass... keep in mind that I am 6'5" and not all of my pictures hide my masculinity as well as those two happened to. Passing isn't keeping me from going out though... it's the violent and hateful people that will notice me...

My friend's brother was brutally beaten while out CDing and she is scared that will happen to me. And with the way people down here cling to their ignorant beliefs down here (not bashing faith or religion, just the closed-minded people that give everyone else a bad name), I don't doubt for one second that it could happen to me. My friend is supportive of me, but thinks that if this is something I feel I need to be in public, that I consider moving somewhere a tad safer.

I don't know what to do... but right now I'm back to hiding in the closet.

I think I'm just going to chill out... wait for the next GLBT meeting (will be my first) and keep talking to my shrink.

Thanks for the kind words everyone...

Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders....and know what's best....I think what you said makes sense and sounds like a good plan..

But I still think that you pass very well....:hugs:

But being where you are Can be very dangerous indeed...and nobody knows your environment better than you do, since you live in it...
So going to organized events & such will be safer from harm..
In time, who knows, one day you may decide to pack your bags & move somewhere a bit more friendly...

Best wishes & stay safe...

:hugs:

[Bree-asaurus]

Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders....and know what's best....I think what you said makes sense and sounds like a good plan..


Oh god I sure do hope so... I have no idea what I'm doing!



But I still think that you pass very well....:hugs:

:)

[Karen564]

LOL...

Believe me....I can spot a smart girl when I see one.....

Your keeping it real & out of fantasy land...so I appreciate that far more & shows me that your off to a great start...no matter what that is...

:hugs:

[Jessinthesprings]

Wow... that is a lot of responses!

Well... I am back in the scared mode. I was talking to a close friend and I'm starting to think twice about going out in public. Not only do I NOT pass, but I will be NOT PASSING in Texas... the "bible belt"

I know exactly what you mean. I have the exact feelings. However, Kimberly lives in Austin. Ask her how many times she's been beaten or harrassed. My doctor (who is in Dallas) told me how accepting of a lesbian couple who live in the small east Texas town that he grew up in.

sigh... It's too bad that there are a few rottin apples that make it dangerous for us to go out. But, trust me when I say the benefits out weight the negitives, and if you go out intelligently such as in groups and stick to well lit observable areas you should be fine... might get a few odd looks here and there but you do get to the point where you feed off it as it becomes amusing.

In my own personal experiance living in Colorado Springs (home of the evangelist Focus on the Family, 2 Air Force bases, Air Force Academy, Ft. Carson, and NORAD) and now Texarkana, the majority of people don't care or are compleatly supportive.

just my :2c:

[Stephenie S]

Wow... that is a lot of responses!

Well... I am back in the scared mode. I was talking to a close friend and I'm starting to think twice about going out in public. Not only do I NOT pass, but I will be NOT PASSING in Texas... the "bible belt" as my friend put it. For those who say I do pass... keep in mind that I am 6'5" and not all of my pictures hide my masculinity as well as those two happened to. Passing isn't keeping me from going out though... it's the violent and hateful people that will notice me...

My friend's brother was brutally beaten while out CDing and she is scared that will happen to me. And with the way people down here cling to their ignorant beliefs down here (not bashing faith or religion, just the closed-minded people that give everyone else a bad name), I don't doubt for one second that it could happen to me. My friend is supportive of me, but thinks that if this is something I feel I need to be in public, that I consider moving somewhere a tad safer.

I don't know what to do... but right now I'm back to hiding in the closet.

I think I'm just going to chill out... wait for the next GLBT meeting (will be my first) and keep talking to my shrink.

Thanks for the kind words everyone...

Well hon, you're welcome.

As Karen 564 wrote, you seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders with a minimum of fantasy present. Good for you.

BUT. Don't crawl back in the closet just yet hon. You are quite passable. I know that pictures can lie, and you of course picked the most flattering ones to show us, but what you DID show us was not that bad, REALLY. You will NEVER be able to "pass" if you stay in the closet. You have to get out and about.

You just have to be SAFE. The biggest flaw in your outing that I saw, was the one I already mentioned. You went out at NIGHT! Women don't go out alone at night. EVER! That right there will out you. Or at least get you far more attention than you can afford right now. DON'T DO IT. Not alone anyway. Driving to some secluded place and walking around at night is perhaps the MOST dangerous thing you could possibly do, "dressed" or not.

Over six foot tall? There's an attention getter right there, huh? But not to worry. There are plenty of tall women around. Sure it would be nice to be short, but you're not. In your car, it won't matter a bit though. And REALLY, hon, NOBODY will notice you in your car. Next time you are out driving in guy mode, look carefully at everyone else. Try and spot the trannies and CDers. How many can you pick out while driving? Come on, look hard. They are out there. Lots of 'em. You're not the ONLY one, you know.

It's hard, ain't it? Yup. How many did you spot? None? So stop worrying about it when you are driving. But suppose you have some car trouble? Suppose that you need gas? Keep a lightweight mechanics overall and some "handy-wipes" in your car for emergencies. Most modern convenience store gas stations are perfectly safe in the daylight. You never even have to go inside if you swipe your gas card at the pump. And you are right at your car if there is any trouble at all. Just hop in, lock the doors, and call the cops.

Always carry your cell phone, and always make sure it is fully charged. And carry some pepper spray or mace ALL THE TIME. Natal women do these things as a matter of course, all the time. Women alone, day or night, are not safe in this society. When you "dress", you lose your male privilege immediately. Get used to it and act appropriately, ie, SAFELY.

Your height is not that bad. There are many tall women in this world. Just act and dress like a tall girl. Stand tall. Act proud of your height, and leave the heels in the bedroom. You don't need to be any taller than necessary. I am not as tall as you. But at 5'10", I am a tall woman. When I was young, I hated being the tallest girl in the room. But now, I love being big. I have some stature that a much smaller girl just doesn't own. And there are a surprising number of other women I can look in the eye or even look UP at. Stand tall and be proud of your size.

Going to support groups is a wonderful thing to do, but don't depend on them. You have to get out on your own. Just be safe. DON'T go out alone at night. Women don't even go to the lady's room alone, for goodness sake. Take a hint, hon. Don't go out alone at night. Daylight and busy people are your friends, not your enemies. You are not gonna get beat up at the mall. You are not gonna get beat up at the supermarket. AND you will be gaining valuable experience doing things that you have to do anyway, just to live your life.

Whew! I have dumped a lot on you, haven't I? Sorry. But I am trying to be encouraging. You DO look good. Of course you don't "pass". How long have you been doing this? Give yourself a break, hon. "Passing" is elusive for MOST crossdressers. But you CAN gain the experience to "blend" in, and you can learn that unless you act or dress completely inappropriately, most people won't care WHAT you wear.

Good luck, sweetie. Get back out of the closet, but be SAFE, huh?

Lovies,
Auntie Stephenie

So hon, on re-reading this I realize that you are NOT in the CD section, but the transgendered section, so my apologies for the crossdressing reference. All the more reason to get back out of the closet and get out there. Ya gotta start sometime. Every transition has a beginning.

Steph

[Ms Jennifer]

:love:The Police were probably trying to figure out a way to pull over the hottie.As long as you are doing nothing wrong being pulled over could be as much a thrill as driving or walking around.It gets easier each time you go out but Please be careful when by yourself.You look so good . :daydreaming:

[GypsyKaren]

The vast majority of people could care less about anyone else because they're too wrapped up worrying about their own lives and thinking about more important things, like...

"When's my next break?"
"What should I fix for dinner?"
"Why did I marry that loser?"

Don't base your life's decisions on the possible reactions of total strangers who mean nothing to you, just live your life for you.

Karen :g1:

[Rachel_Red]

wow hi-five to you! :D I'm begining the long road down transition lane as well but I've yet to go out. My fiance wants to have me go out this week but she realy wants my first "event" to be the Sex and the City 2 grand opening (oh boy that'll be an interesting night :o). Personaly I'd like to get out before then but our oportunities are limited. We're in our own transition as we're trying to move in together (that'll deffently help things out big time). So cudos to you. You should be proud of yourself.

[LisaM]

Bri,

I am 6' 3" so I have to deal with the height issue as well. But there are plenty of tall GGs out there and you just have to watch them and learn how they take advantage of their height.

I know it is scary but the only way to overcome your fear is to face it head on and get out there again. There are people who might try to hurt us but they are not to majority. You need to find places/venues where you will be accepted and just be careful.

Congrats on your first outing and I hope you have many more.

[prene]

Good to see you are getting out.

Keep it up.

Be careful

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My spouse had placed boundaries on my crossdressing to not leave our home. And I realized over the last 7 months that I could not live within that boundary. Prior to that it had been 15-20 years since I had ventured out as my female self.

When I reached the point where I could no longer go on and sought out help from my Gender Therapists, things began to change. My therapist encouraged me to attend my sessions as JoAnne.

My "first" time out to my therapist dressed completely as JoAnne was one of the scarriest things I ever did. My knees were shaking as I left the privacy of my home and drove 50 miles to see one of my therapists. Once I got to her office, I did not know if I would be able to get out of my vehicle and walk to her office and sit in her waiting room. I summoned up all the courage and will power that I could find. And it went amazingly well - much, much better than I expected.

Since that early day in February, I have been "out" over 30 full days. I have been to all of my therapy appointments; all my endocrinology appointments; my visit to Walgreens to get my Hormone prescriptions filled; my visits to my laser hair removal; to shopping in Talbots, Dillards and Macys and shopping malls; and to some nice restaurants for lunch. I have now been to several women's restrooms with no problem. I have even shown my "office staff" JoAnne in full dress. It all has been completely wonderful.

I think that WE are the ones who worry too much. My confidence and attitude have grown over the last ten weeks. I am no longer scarred to go out. In fact I can't seem to get out enough.

I hope to be full time really soon - the only thing that keeps me from going full time at the presen is the winding up of my marriage and my business partnership. Out of respect, I do not present as JoAnne to my spouse or to my business partner. Once that is completed, I intend to live full time for the rest of my life as the woman that I am.

My point is that we put too much pressure on ourselves. I think the world seems more tolerant than we give it credit. Hold up your chin, get an attitude, be confident and just go do it. You will be pleasantly surprised.

JoAnne Wheeler

[tamarav]

Brian, cute name by the way, I don't know many girls named Brian.

I started exactly like you many years ago and was scared to death of being made. Fear tends to fade and we get more bold as time goes on. However, your fears are only internal cause you look great! My only advice is to not waste your time, get busy and get out there and experience life, do not do like so many of us here and start and continue so late in life.

People will be turning to look at you but not because they "make" you, because they simply want to get another look at the hot girl.

Have fun, be safe.

[Melissa A.]

Hi, Brian.

You look great. Dont worry about your anxiety-it's all quite natural, given the culture we live in. Sometimes, when I'm sitting on the subway, staring down people who feel the need to gawk, or smiling and saying, "can I help you?" to losers oblivious enough to talk about me like I'm not even there, I remember not a real long time ago, sitting in my car, petrified to move, trying to find the courage to get out. You'll get there, and wonder what all the fuss was about, I guarantee it. Best of luck and strength, sweetie.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Bree-asaurus]

Just figured I'd throw in an update here...

So I don't think I can do it... I don't think I can go down this road... at least not right now. I'm going to try to live with what I've been dealt and see if I can make the best of it. I'm going to the doc tomorrow and hopefully start on anti-depressants. I also met up with a guy I had dated before and told him my situation and he is cool with it... I was actually able to be myself with him and it was very nice (aside from the fact that when we were fooling around I struggled with the fact that I was still in a male body). I dunno... I've been drinking a lot lately... not enough to get hung over, but enough to help clear my head in the evenings. I know it's not good... but I don't care enough to stop.

I also have cysts or a tumor or something in my right boob... I think I would die laughing if it was breast cancer... and I kind of hope it is. It would be a nice finish to all this bs.

I realize I'm depressed and I'm talking like an idiot here... but that's how I feel so whatever. I'm doing my best to get help before I do something stupid... so no worried there I hope. Hopefully my visit with the doc tomorrow will provide me with a prescription so I can get happy soon :-P

I went to a SAGA meeting (a local organization for TS individuals). It was cool and I hung out with a girl I met there, but I don't think I'm going to go again... at least not anytime soon.

I don't know why I'm writing this... I'm not looking for sympathy or anything... I just kind of felt like venting.

[Faith_G]

I think you're making the right choice in taking some time to get your head screwed on straight. I can't imagine making a decision of this magnitude and being able to get through transition without being able to think clearly.

I hope you feel better soon. :hugs:

[Simply_Vanessa]

For the first two weeks of being out in the public I found this wonderful liquid called Jack Daniels to be very helpful. Just one shot and the nerves calm a bit.

Katie

now thats an idea i'm going to try next time! nothing like a little liquid courage...:heehee:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Brian "bree" ? lol

anyway...

you are going through ALOT...let yourself accept this....nothing gets solved in 1, 2, 20 outings ....

you don't have to make a decision and you are best served by framing your thoughts in the context of trying to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life...lots of us waited until our 40's 50's and later...

your internal feelings (whatever they are) are immutable..they can never change...your identity IS your identity....the trick is that you trying to really understand your self...it takes time, experience, suffering and hard work to ALLOW yourself to really consider things....shame, guilt, fear, financial issues, relationship issues, parentaly issues, physical appearance...the list goes on...all of these real life things are impediments to you to figure out the one answer that will be most helpful to you...

once you know the answer , you can then proceed as you see fit...you don't have to say things like "i can't proceed", you are just figuring things out....dont say "im talking like an idiot", say I'm glad there is a place where i can explore my innermost feelings and get supportive feedback...

no one is gonna figure this out for you...you've taken very courageous and meaningful steps to deal with a crushingly confusing and difficult feeling that you have..and you need to give yourself a pat on the back for going this far...

[fun4metoo2004]

You look beautiful.

[kinberly 87]

for my first time out i was very nervous. i wore a cheep wig and make up was not very good. i keeped of going out and started to buld confisents. good luck with your jouney and you look beautiful.

[Bree-asaurus]

I'm back! Sorry about the tone of my last post... I was pretty depressed. I did go to the doctor and was prescribed antidepressants! YAY! I've been feeling much better since, and the side effects seem to be getting less noticeable. I can't believe how depressed I was, this is a HUGE improvement.

Anyway, when I went to see the doctor, I was hesitant to tell him why I was depressed, but I eventually came out with it. He was very cool about it and very non-judgemental. I had to explain it all to him because he really had no idea. He asked if I would talk to a nurse (this nurse's best friend's son is coming out as gay and has been having a hard time) because he thought my knowledge on these subjects would maybe help her understand or something.

I felt pretty good after talking to the doctor, so I said "what the hell" and ended up talking to the nurse for a good 20 minutes. Again, she had no idea that there was a whole spectrum of people besides gay and straight. She was very cool too, but even after explaining my whole situation, she was talking about how girls have different friendships than boys, more bonding, etc and said I wouldn't understand because I'm a boy. I sighed in my mind and let it slide... noo... I would have NOOO idea what that's like :Angry3:

Like I said I've been feeling better and I'm going to try to start taking better care of myself all-around. I'm also more optimistic of the possibility of transitioning. Of course, I know I've had my ups and downs... so we'll see if I feel the same way when I see my psychologist next Friday.

I've been slowly feminizing myself (have been for a couple months)... attempting to grow out my hair, styling it (just looks super metrosexual or gay right now though), growing out my nails, shaving (a girl friend of mine caught me on my shaved arms and was cool about it). I'm contemplating hormones and laser hair removal on my beard. Of course I'll be talking to my shrink about the hormones and he'll help me figure out if I'm ready... I'm thinking it will probably be a little bit longer before I do start HRT (assuming I don't change my mind again), but I want to start seriously talking about it...

I'm also going to come out to two more close friends of mine. I've been wanting to for a while and almost did, but lost the courage. But I need to do it... hopefully this week.

I'm still scared but I'm starting to feel like I might be able to deal with the difficulties... more talking and exploration to come! Thanks for listening! :D


Hi Brian "bree" ? lol

anyway...

you are going through ALOT...let yourself accept this....nothing gets solved in 1, 2, 20 outings ....

you don't have to make a decision and you are best served by framing your thoughts in the context of trying to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life...lots of us waited until our 40's 50's and later...

your internal feelings (whatever they are) are immutable..they can never change...your identity IS your identity....the trick is that you trying to really understand your self...it takes time, experience, suffering and hard work to ALLOW yourself to really consider things....shame, guilt, fear, financial issues, relationship issues, parentaly issues, physical appearance...the list goes on...all of these real life things are impediments to you to figure out the one answer that will be most helpful to you...

once you know the answer , you can then proceed as you see fit...you don't have to say things like "i can't proceed", you are just figuring things out....dont say "im talking like an idiot", say I'm glad there is a place where i can explore my innermost feelings and get supportive feedback...

no one is gonna figure this out for you...you've taken very courageous and meaningful steps to deal with a crushingly confusing and difficult feeling that you have..and you need to give yourself a pat on the back for going this far...

I always appreciate your posts :)

More and more I feel like I want to be addressed as a girl... and I'm actually liking Bree more and more! *sigh* one day???

EDIT: Oh yeah, and I've made myself promise that I'm going to go to my next appointment as myself. I know I'm going to want to back out at the last minute, but I need to do it.

[mapletree]

wow are more than pretty you are brave

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

One of my dearest friends is fully transitioned..her srs was 4 years ago and she is 51....she first went to therapy 6 years ago...and she didnt go dressed until well into therapy...

she tells me that she felt like an idiot the first time she dressed...lol..

[Traci Elizabeth]

The first time is always the hardest, it will get easier and you'll get more confidence in yourself.

KS

This is very true. I remember my first time very well. I even laugh at it now looking back. I was in fear that EVERYONE was staring me down. 99% of those fears were unfounded.

Although driving around is normally a very safe thing to do, I would caution doing it so late at night even in a large city like San Antonio.

You look great in your outfit and should not be too critical of yourself. Stand tall and self-assured.

[TxKimberly]

You look quite pretty and congrats on getting out the door. That first step is a real killer, but it get easier after that!

[RockerTerri]

Hey there.

Grats on getting out of the house that first time! I thought from your pics that you looked incredible; remember, we are our own worst critics. As time goes on, you will find that probably 75% of whether people see you as a woman comes from how you act, not what you look like. I get called "ma'am" nowadays when im in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup more than I ever did, even fully dressed, a year ago.

For what its worth, if you look bad, yeah, people stare. But if you look good, guess what...they stare. Hard to know which is which at first, but youll get used to it. But a skirt with fishnets and boots, yeah, thats going to attract eyes. And, as has been mentioned, it can attract worse.

Probably 99% of people dont give most of us more than a passing glance. Just like we have stuff running through our minds when we are out and about, so does everyone else. As long as you dont look like the stereotypical Jerry Springer-ish drag queen, most people will never know. How often do YOU look at others and wonder, "hrmm...is that really a guy/girl?" I never do, unless its so obvious you cant help but notice. I can safely say your not in that category, at least from the pics. Of the 1% of people (may not be this low, but the number is LOW) of people that look twice, some are checking us out, some are just looking at our boots/hair/purse/whatever, and maybe a select few may be reading us at first. Of the people that read us, the overwhelming majority dont care; of those that do, most wont say anything. Beware of morons in big groups (alcohol + buddies = macho, you know) and this is most easily done by avoiding places they congregate.

Your height, well, the boots can actually help there. A pair with a lower heel will make people think "ahh, its the boots" a good deal of the time.

Definately take time to carefully think your options through, but dont let fear of "omg everyone knooows!!" stop you. Trust me, they dont.