"I know you're you are a crossdresser, but ...."

[Alison-Mary]

Hi Girls

Whilst in bed the other night i asked my wife to do me a big favour, i said how much i loved her, and asked her to say these words to me before we go to sleep, "I know you're a crossdresser, but i still love you".

The reaction was stunned silence, and eventually we drifted to sleep, although she did make a point to hug me in the morning.

Its been almost 2 years since i came out, she does love me, it was a statement of truth, and i was hoping it would help make things sink in a little, up to now she has largely hidden away from the truth.

Was i being reasonable?

Love Alison
:battingeyelashes:

[suzy1]

From what you have told us I would have to say she is not happy about it, is she. And you can’t blame her. Sorry for saying that but I feel very strongly about living in the real world. If you did a survey asking how many wives/ girlfriends would not mind there man putting on a dress and wig, what would be the result, 1% 2% maybe? Hope I am wrong about your wife,

[TxKimberly]

And just what is reasonable about love? I wouldn't worry about it. It's something you needed to hear and your loving wife probably understands this just fine. They tend to be smarter about these things than we are . . .

[Staci G]

Kimberly :battingeyelashes:, you are always the smart one and give better advice than I ever could. I have quite a different situation going on as you know but I think she could have at least said the I love you part of the sentence. Silence is a killer IMHO. I'd rather hear I don't love you and know the truth than nothing at all and keep guessing.

[Eve_WA]

If you did a survey asking how many wives/ girlfriends would not mind there man putting on a dress and wig, what would be the result, 1% 2% maybe?

Then I, and my freinds must be a statistical enigma! I found your numbers to be WAY off. The numbers are still low, granted. But not that low.

While one cant expect imeadiate acceptance when coming out after 20 years of marriage, I have found that if one is honest, up front, and accepting of oneself, that these are artificial barriers to relationships. Sure, not everyone can accept this. Yes, they are even in the minority, if asked outright. But it is not the inpennatrable barrier that it once was.

The main issue our SO's have with us is trust. Once you establish a 'bond', anything that occurs outside the established bounds becomes fodder for trust issues. The further outside of bounds it is, the more betrayal becomes a factor. So I find that it is extrememly important to inform your partner before these bonds form too strongly.

It also matters HOW you tell them. Again, if you dont acceot yourself, if you arent comfortable with yourself, then that is also going to be translated through your discussion. Your parner will pick up on your shame, and feel it as well, often magnified.

The last woman I dated, said she never imagined that she would ever be going out with a trans-person. She even said that in the past, they kind of gave her the creeps. But once she got to know me, that changed. She embraced not only the manly side of me, but also the girly. She loved the smoothness of a shaved body, although she always dated bears before. She also appreciated the softness of my personality, and that I could enjoy fasion, shopping, and even embraced my emotions, unlike most men,

We has started to develop a bond, and had discussed going out. Before we actually started dating, but after we both realized that there was a bond forming, I showed her Eve, in person. We sat and talked about it for a while, and after I got back into my boy clothes, and we went to dinner. Nothing freaky, nothing emotional, because I was honest with her and myself.She thought about it for a while, decided that it wasnt a deal breaker, as she already liked me for me. Had I waited to tell her years later, Im convinced it would have turned out differently.

Now I realise that this wont work so well for those that have already passed this point. I also realize that I tend to gravitate towards more open minded and liberal thinkers. These all play a factor in these situations. But, honestly. I think many times we are our own worst enemies. The shame and fear we feel ourselves, prevents us from entrusting the very ones who love us the most. Eventually, the house of cards we have constructed collapses. And when it does, we often blame our partners for not being accepting...

[Jenny Doolittle]

From what you have told us I would have to say she is not happy about it, is she. And you can’t blame her. Sorry for saying that but I feel very strongly about living in the real world. If you did a survey asking how many wives/ girlfriends would not mind there man putting on a dress and wig, what would be the result, 1% 2% maybe? Hope I am wrong about your wife,

Unfortunitly Alison, I think Suzy is correct, My wife is exactly what she described in her comment. I will say though that she recognized that the Jenny personality of myself is a very caring person and she realized it will always be a part of who I am.

Her fear is mostly how the outside world "the real world" will accept who I am and her desire to protect our family from negativity as a result of my need to present as Jenny outside of our home.

But, on the bright side, she acknowledges her love for me and a commitment to each other.

[Alison-Mary]

Thks for your responses.

I agree, she is not happy, and maybe never will be; but was was wondering if it's possible to turn this around, if she can pass the denial stage maybe we can move forward, i guess i was trying to use the method commonly used by the AA "my name is xxx and i am an alcoholic" - but sounds like its not possible in the "real world".

love Alison

[kimdl93]

dont' read too much into it . It may not be her favorite thing about you - but she apparently accepts it. Perhaps you should be satisfied with " I love you" without qualifiers.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Seems reasonable to me, if i understand your post and timeline correctly. You had come out to her 2 years ago, she put it out of her mind, and the other night you refreshed her memory, is that correct? If so, i think you did OK, it was kind of abrupt, and that can be bad, but so far so good? BTW, i'm an alcoholic and have introduced myself to a couple of lady friends just as you described and it went ok, i'm not sure though if i will come out to a potential GG friend about my CDing in the same way. I just know that after getting totally beat down by both of my exes over my CDing i will not get romantically involved (in a ltr) with another woman without that card being on the table......."All in" as they say! mj (Cassie)

[Karan49]

Alison-Mary,
Did your wife respond with silence or did she tell you that she still loves you?
If she responded with silence it seems as if there is a big issue ahead of you. If
she no longer loves you, just what does that mean for you? Do you want to continue in a relationship in which you are no longer loved? Can you open up the discussion with her so you know more about what she is thinking? It seems she is NOT saying many things and communication is shutting down. I think it would behoove you to do whatever you can to deal with these crossdressing issues as well as any other isssues as soon as possible.

Karan

[sherri52]

She still loves you. She hasn't had any open discussions about your dressing but that doesn't mean that she likes it. In all actuality she is dealing with it because she loves you, accept that.

[suzy1]

Eve, I was talking about the General public not just marred couples, and I stick to my 2%. Maybe less.

[Ruth]

I think it was a great thing to say. Don't worry about the response (or lack of). The phrase will reverberate in her mind - she may not be ready to say it just yet but it will be there as an idea.

[Sandra65]

Sometimes it feels like the sentence is said or thought the other way, e.g. "I love you, but your a crossdresser". A whole lot different connotation to that, sadly.

[jenifer m.]

my wife tolerates me dressing at best but thats good enough for now.although she has already borrowed my black pencil skirt,and my lash steletto mascara,so maybe she will get used to the idea eventually.as for your wife dont push any cding issues cuz you might end up tacking steps backward with her.i know its great to hear afermations but just enjoy what shes given you already.

[Lynn Marie]

I get it that she's not happy, and I get that she has a perfect right to not be happy. I just really hate the silence. To me that is so disrespectful and evil. By not deeming to answer she is placing herself on a higher plane than you. A "better than thou" kind of place where she looks down from her pedestal of self righteousness and judges you while not even considering her own failings. Judge not that ye be not judged. Real people talk honestly, put away their pride and silly egos and bare their hearts. Anything else is just more phoney crap.

Guess we touched a nerve there! BTW I thought Eve_WA presented a really right on, well thought out, post on this subject.

[TxKimberly]

. . . I think she could have at least said the I love you part of the sentence. . . .

In all honesty, at the time I made my first reply to this thread, I had missed the fact that her wife did not say I love you. Had I realized that, i think my first post would have been a little different. . .

[Cathytg]

No, you were lost in a fog of wishful thinking. You cannot put words into her mouth.

Now that you said what you did, you might want to say no more for a while and see if she doesn't come out with some kind of direct response. But it must be on her time; not on yours.

[Hope]

Your question makes me want to cry.

You asked if you were being reasonable in asking your wife to tell you that she loves you.

I guess I have a couple of questions:

1) is this a serious question? Is it reasonable to be loved by your spouse? Um - yeah. Why on earth would it not be?

2) Why should you have to ask? How dysfunctional is your relationship that you have to ask to be told that you are loved?

[suzy1]

lynn. your comment "I just really hate the silence. To me that is so disrespectful and evil." might just be a little hard. Her not replying could be just because she dose not want to hurt his feelings.

[shannonFL]

"Been there, done...." I eventually forced myself to stop looking for something that was not there. Just gently remind her that the world is full of women who do not love you that would gladly allow you to accept financial responsibility for the rest of their lives.

[Lynn Marie]

lynn. your comment "I just really hate the silence. To me that is so disrespectful and evil." might just be a little hard. Her not replying could be just because she dose not want to hurt his feelings.

You could be right Suzy. Like I said at the end of my post her silent reaction really touched a nerve in me. Not sure I'm wrong, but more than happy to concede to a higher motivation on her part if that is really the case.

[Amanda Stubbs]

Oh! Alison Marie,
I really feel for you and can imagine what your going through.I have been there hoping to hear the "I love you" come at me and well it just never came. I do hope you get the answer your after, yet I fear you may have along wait.
I beg you not to force the issue with her and bide your time. Your wife's mind could be in absolute turmoil and I've often noticed that women just seem to shut off and blank things when it comes to something they're having problem dealing with, it's like they just hope the problem will just go away if they ignore long enough.
You have a hard road ahead I'm afraid, but you won't be alone you'll find plenty of love and support on these pages, of that I'm certain!

[eluuzion]

Hi Girls

Whilst in bed the other night i asked my wife to do me a big favour, i said how much i loved her, and asked her to say these words to me before we go to sleep, "I know you're a crossdresser, but i still love you".



Was i being reasonable?

Love Alison
:battingeyelashes:

One of the most valuable things my grandfather ever taught me was

"You can find out the answer to anything you want to know. You just have to ask the right question."

I have found that to be true in my life.

Asking questions is not easy. You have to ask questions in the proper way and context. Were you being reasonable? Yes, in your genuine concern. No, in your approach and questioning format.

You asked her for "a big favor". Implying a request to do something she would not otherwise do naturally on her own.

You asked for a "compound" statement containing what could be two conflicting parts, but assumes one is dependent upon the other.

At a minimum, it would have softened your request by saying "Are you able to..." "How do you feel about the statement..."

I know your intentions were good, but I really believe you shot yourself in the foot. I would have been surprised if she had replied at all. If she had, you almost guaranteed a negative reply or a challenge.

Just my opinion...she took the only neutral reaction to avoid a crisis.

don't give up...just adjust your approach....good luck

[Presh GG]

OK, I just have to ask.

When was the last time You said something like " I love you ",or " you are so beautiful " or" My life is complete because you're in it ", or " you make me happy"?
Not necessarily you Alison just any of you?

Just think about it, I'm not expecting an answer. That would be off thread.

sincerely,
Presh GG

[NicoleScott]

When celebrities are caught in scandalous behavior (I can name names if I have to), apologies are demanded and expected, and then given. How much value do you place in an apology that was demanded?
So you asked your wife to tell you she loves you. If she tells you, what's it worth if you had to ask?
Maybe she didn't answer because she didn't want you to assume that just because she loves you, she approves of your crossdressing.
Why attach the two issues ? (1) crossdressing (2) her love for you
What if she answered: I love you even if you crossdress, but if you don't stop, I'll divorce you?

[Alison-Mary]

Hi Girls

Thanks for all these amazing responses.

It is very difficult to articulate the complexity of any situation in such a short sentence, life is just never that simple, and i guess we should be grateful for that.

I know that my wife loves me so so much, and that she was completely devastated (in shock) when i came out.

When asking her to say those words i wasn't really asking her to confirm her love for me, as i know she does and therefore doesn't need to tell me. I was not looking for acceptance either (though that would have been great, and a step beyond my wildest dreams).

I was looking for her acknowledgement. To acknowledge that i am a crossdresser.

From a lot of the posts i've read in these forums, it seems communication is key. But it is very difficult to talk unless you acknowledge there is an issue to discuss (hence the AA reference).

On the odd occasion, an erruption of discussion will surface, but is soon forgotten and life goes on as usual, as if nothing was said. I was hoping that by her saying these words each night, it would slowly sink in, and that we would start to communicate.

Anyway, must dash, the wife is waiting, maybe i will tell her what ive been doing for the last few minutes. - stimulate communication (wish me luck).

Love Alison
:-)


PS: maybe i could have been a bit softer in my approach as ive read in one of the replies