The thoughts leading to telling one of your children

[PretzelGirl]

I am tossing around a lot of thoughts in my mind about telling my oldest daughter who is 25. Two things I always thought help when trying to process something is to write it down and accept input. So I hope between the actual writing and your thoughts, I can get a clearer picture.

First thing is that I have three kids and none of them know. I haven't been big about hiding CDing things in the house, it is more of a hiding in plain sight. Up until the last 6 weeks, only my youngest, a daughter, even lived in the area (and she lives at home). The other two, a son and a daughter, lived on the east coast. Being a teenager, the daughter at home never seemed to pick up on anything even though I was always expecting it. She was just too wrapped up in her teenage drama and wasn't often home.

Well, the older daughter moved out here with her family 6 weeks ago and is staying with us for the time being. I talked with my wife about the possibility of telling her and I was leaning that way. I did want to at least wait until a little after she got here because her husband was leaving almost right away for a work related school. Because of pushing it off, I never really made the final decision in my mind. But things got sticky as one major family problem after another popped up from the time they arrived to now. So it was easy to push things off until later since there was negative things happening and it wouldn't be a good time to bring this up.

I have also found that I have been talking too much around her. I think this might be a bit of getting too relaxed due to my younger daughter never picking up on anything. It could also be my way of unconciously, slowly coming out. For example, my wife doesn't wear heels. She tried on a pair and walked around and I corrected how she was walking in them. My daughter asked how I knew this and I shrugged it off with a comment about being attentive. My daughter is also commenting about how I am being secretive about the friends I am visiting on Tri-Ess meeting nights. I didn't think my behaviour was odd, so I must be giving off some kind of vibes.

Well, we are in a little it of a lull with the issues although I know more is coming at the end of the week. And I apologize for being non-specific, but I am not wanting to air family issues. But this weekend is a nice, quiet weekend (or I at least hope it stays that way). Well, I had mentioned to my wife a couple of days ago that we could consider having a supportive friend over if/when we tell my daughter. Nothing more was said.

Well, that friend is coming over for dinner tomorrow and I thought nothing of it. We saw her tonight and my wife said to her that we could tell my daughter while she is there and my mind went into overdrive.

So to help me process through this, I have some questions.

1. Since I have kept this in the back of my mind for so long, I suspect that I have already convinced myself subconciously that I want to do this. Anyone ever really have a problem making that final call? I love my daughter and she is extremely emotional. So I just am scared of a wedge coming between us if she doesn't react well. And this is really important to me as we have a wonderful relationship and support each other through all of these family issues.

2. I could tell her tomorrow, but there is always time. So it can wait. But if I keep looking at family issues as a good reason to push it off, does that just become too easy? These are very big issues, but does life just flow from one to another and you just have to pick a spot at some point?

Just looking this over now, I can see that putting all of these thoughts in one place may make the picture a little clearer.

[Sarah Doepner]

Sue,
The first thing that comes to my mind is grandchildren. I have grandkids who don't live with both birth-parents, but with a parent/step-parent. I am sure that if I came out to my adult children they would be pretty good with it. However I'm not convinced that as the news inevitably spread that I would be welcome company for some of my grandkids. It's kind of the law of unintended consequences that expect to come back and bite me, not the initial revelation.
I like the idea of having additional support there. Does your daughter know and trust this third person? That would add a lot of credibility to the normality of the situation if they could take her aside and answer questions.
At some point I guess you need to trust the years of love and support you provided have built more than this revelation will tear down. Best of luck to you.
Sarah

[ptp009]

Hi thought of telling my oldest daughter never my youngest who is 29 she so conservative would probably beat me up. Love to hear what happenes. I know how you feel I want to share my dressing with the people I love cause I feel like I'm hiding something from them.

[Joanne f]

Fist of all families are a personal thing as they are all different so this is just a general answer and not what someone should or should not do .
It is in one sense a making of are own with this need to tell , if we treated it as more normal and let others use their own common sense there would be no "need to tell", this is one of the advantages of being open with it from the start with members of the family but the degree of your CDing will obviously have some effect on this .
The hiding brings deceit and lies which then brings out the "need to tell" but that is all a greater issues at the moment.
As far as your teenage daughter i expect she knows far more than you think but being teenagers they are wrapped up with their stuff so as long as you do not embarrass her with her friends she is more and lightly just passing it off.
With your older daughter again it all depends on to what degree if any you want her to see you dressed, a small amount of change in clothes like a top or fem trousers then i would not say anything as people have sense and can work things out but if you are intending to go to the other end of the scale , full dress , makeup and wig then yes you would need to say something just to prepare them , in my view a little at a time is best but everyone is different.

[sherri52]

Hi Sue: I would tell the oldest daughter. Where she is living with you it makes it harder to go without someone finding something out. You have already mentioned that she is noticing some difference around. If You were to be caught or leave something lying around for her children to see, she could come up with an excuse. I have 8 children and they all know, only one doesn't like it. Two have embraced it and the others accept but ignore it. I found it better that I told them except for the one but even he still loves me when I take him out to dinner. Use the support of your wife and friend but wait until the night is mostly over before you tell her and keep the grandchildren out of the conversation.

[Presh GG]

Hi Sue,

You didn't tell us much about about your oldest daughter except she's emotional. Is she open to people who are maybe a little differant? Does she make any comments when something comes on the TV or did /does she have a wide range of friends?

My neice was very accepting even to kisses with her uncle "Tea" but thats her personality.

So what's your daughter like?

Best wishes,
Presh GG

[Kathi Lake]

Sue,

You know your daughter best, in addition to your situation. My only question is why now? Is the pressure to unburden yourself equal or above the pressure of keeping it in? Is she at an emotional "low point" and therefore may take it better? Does the dinner seem like "as good a time as any" for both moral support from your friend and her letting her guard down?

Let us know how it goes. You know we all care about you, Sue.

Kathi

[Brandi Wyne]

Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed. I did and now I am. If your wife is on board you are so far ahead of most of us. Now I'll be a single girl and we'll see how things work out.

[sissystephanie]

Sue, let me give you a little background in case you don't know me that well. I am 77 y/o and have been a widower for 5 years. BTW, I have been CD'ing for 70 years. I told my wife before we married and we made an agreement to never tell our children. I finally decided to tell my daughter, the oldest, last year. I did that because I almost died in late fall of 2008. Of course she immediately told her brother. Within a few days my three Grandchildren, all grown of course, also knew. In fact, the only one who doesn't know is my daughter-in-law! My son won't tell her because she asks too many questions!!

The important point is that the only question that arose was; "Do you want to become a woman?" That is something that I have never considered, or wanted! I am perfectly happy to be man, I just like to wear womens clothing. The consensus was that they don't care what I wear, as long as I don't do it around them.Since none of them live with me, that is fine. I would say tell your oldest to see how she takes it. My guess is that she will not be upset about it as you seem to think. Just make sure that she knows you love her no matter what you wearing, and that you are always her DAD!! Good Luck!

[PretzelGirl]

I had read everyone's replies earlier this afternoon and let them sit with me to make a decision. So I am not replying back until now because I wanted to let the wisdom soak in and help me decide.


I like the idea of having additional support there. Does your daughter know and trust this third person?

I liked the additional support just to give it the feel of "this is really alright". The downside is that my daughter was just meeting this friend. But the friend is really outgoing and makes friends easy. My daughter is just meeting everyone in our live as she is new in town.



At some point I guess you need to trust the years of love and support you provided have built more than this revelation will tear down.

This is statement #1 that helped me make the decision to tell her. We have always had a close relationship and I always feel deep down that nothing could be a problem between us. Hearing negative stories here will sometimes give you pause and that is good because you want to think things through properly.


It is in one sense a making of are own with this need to tell , if we treated it as more normal and let others use their own common sense there would be no "need to tell", this is one of the advantages of being open with it from the start with members of the family but the degree of your CDing will obviously have some effect on this .

Good wisdom Joanne and this statement played a part in my decision to go ahead with telling her.


As far as your teenage daughter i expect she knows far more than you think but being teenagers they are wrapped up with their stuff so as long as you do not embarrass her with her friends she is more and lightly just passing it off.

I always approached my youngest as not throwing it right in front of her but expecting that she would figure it out eventually. I still have my doubts as she is going through life the hard way and spends little time at home. But I do accept it as a done deal that she knows so I am prepared for it.


You didn't tell us much about about your oldest daughter except she's emotional. Is she open to people who are maybe a little differant?

This is interesting. I don't think I have ever had this type of conversation with her. My wife has tried subtle questions when something came up on the TV (the one with shows :heehee:) and never got an answer. But my daughter is a very good person and socializes well. She has good morals and the only time I have heard her down on someone is when that someone treats others poorly.


You know your daughter best, in addition to your situation. My only question is why now? Is the pressure to unburden yourself equal or above the pressure of keeping it in? Is she at an emotional "low point" and therefore may take it better? Does the dinner seem like "as good a time as any" for both moral support from your friend and her letting her guard down?

I did debate this some. There is always tomorrow. But one thing I had guilty feelings about were the lies of omission. I never told her anything directly untrue, just left facts out. Never, ever the way I want our relationship to go. But because of the family issues, I also wanted to wait for a calm time to tell her so it didn't have to potential to feel like "piling on". There are more family issues to come, so waiting until later could run months and more of the "lies of omission" that I didn't want. It may have only been one calm weekend, but it loomed like an oasis.


Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed. I did and now I am. If your wife is on board you are so far ahead of most of us. Now I'll be a single girl and we'll see how things work out.

Brandi, I am sorry things didn't turn out well for you. It does show that we do have to proceed with caution. My heart goes out to you.


My guess is that she will not be upset about it as you seem to think. Just make sure that she knows you love her no matter what you wearing, and that you are always her DAD!!

More words of wisdom. As it turns out she echo'ed them herself.

Which leads to what happened. Before dinner I read all the replies and let them sink in. I think I knew I really wanted to go forward, it is just hard to get rid of the part of your mind that hangs on to the stories here that went bad.

After she laid the grandkids down, we were all in the living room and I told her that we needed to have a talk. I told her that there was something different about me that I wanted her to know about and that I had been wanting to tell her since she moved to Utah and just needed life to calm down. She started to get the deer in the headlights look, I said that it was a good thing and then the friend goes "he isn't gay". First I had to oversome my perpetual urge to joke around as the impulse came to say "welcome to Utah and the friend is really my second wife."

So I came right out and told her I crossdressed. There wasn't much of a reaction at first. So I went ahead and explained that there is this range that transgenders fit in and told her where I felt I was. She then said that she loves me no matter what I do and we hugged. I got a little teary, but it was going so well I didn't outright cry.

So the discussion then went to things like who knew and things that have been happening around the house that I could now explain better. She said she has no problems with me dressing around her but had reservations about the grandkids. I agreed and told her I planned on not dressing in front of the grandkids.

So then we just got into a lot of general discussion like about this board, Tri-Ess, and who has helped me with make-up and hair styles (the same person that does my daughter's hair now). I showed her pictures at her request. When my wife got up from the couch, my daughter came over and sat next to me with her arm around me. Now I am getting teary again. :o

There was the potential to dress right then and there, but I am applying some brakes so the exposure is more gradual. I think in my heart, I knew this was the way it would be. It is hard to get the possibility of something going wrong out of your head when the stakes are so high.

So now I will see where it will go. I do plan on telling the younger daughter down the road when it seems she is in a better place. I guess either I or my daughter will have to tell her husband when he gets back in town. I predict acceptance with a good laugh as my daughter did a great job picking out her life partner.

Thank you all for your support and the thoughts that helped me make this decision. And sorry for the length! :D

Sue

[jenny01]

I am glad to hear that she was accepting and that everything turned out good. I am wanting to tell my 12 yr old son, and reading posts like this are helpful. I do hope that he will be accepting like your daughter was.

[Joanne f]

I am glad that it went well for you all .

[Sheila]

Sue, I am so pleased that your daughter took your telling her so well, our kids are amazing sometimes :)

[AKAMichelle]

If your daughter accepts it doesn't matter when you tell her. But if she doesn't, think about how she will feel. She is living in your home because her husband is gone. Her husband is her support system. So you are going to tell her when her support system is MIA. Then what happens if she can't handle it and needs to get away. Where is she going? She is there trapped in your house.

I personally think that you should tell children when they have the space to deal with it. Whether they accept or not, it is a big thing that you are dropping on the child. They may need some time and space to deal with the picture you just put in their head about their father wearing a dress. :2c:

[PretzelGirl]

If your daughter accepts it doesn't matter when you tell her. But if she doesn't, think about how she will feel. She is living in your home because her husband is gone. Her husband is her support system. So you are going to tell her when her support system is MIA. Then what happens if she can't handle it and needs to get away. Where is she going? She is there trapped in your house.

Sigh. That is an excellent point and obviously one that didn't cross my mind. As you can tell, we are already past that point and all is going well. I would have hated myself if I had trapped her.

We stayed up well past when I made my last post talking and I showed her some things on-line so she would know what a diverse group we are. And things don't feel any different this morning and we talked a little more. I think the bad sign would be if she clammed up as we are always talking and giving each other a hard time. I don't think it will go that way.

[AKAMichelle]

I'm glad that it went well for both of you. I think it is important to remember how we are suppose to give our SO's space when we first tell them. So that they can begin to deal with the revelation at their own speed. I think the same applies to telling kids.

My kids were shocked and the middle son didn't take it very well. We talk about all kinds of things. We are close but that is a taboo topic for us to discuss. He can't handle it. A good portion of it is that he knows some other Cd'ers and all of them are gay. He has the opinion that I am gay and he can't get past it. Some of the lack of understanding stems from my marriage failing at the same time as he found out and some of the off the wall comments my SO spouts sometimes about me.

[charlytuna]

HI sue! I have a 26 yr daughter and I never told her about charlie but I think she already knows. She seen earing on me couple of times, when she was young and was in a rush forgot had them on, and she she used browor my underware in emergency and once my wife gave her a wrong pair. nothing was ever said and also got caught dressed by my older son again nothing ever said. Belive me the kids know A LOT MORE than they let on to be

[ReineD]

Im glad things went well, Sue. So now you can be up front about your meetings, and if you want to make comments about your wife's high heels, you won't feel the need to explain why you know so much! :)

Is your daughter ready to meet you? If not, are you OK with the idea that it may take her a little while to feel comfortable with seeing you dressed?

[PretzelGirl]

Belive me the kids know A LOT MORE than they let on to be

Based on everyone's comments, I approach it like my youngest will find out easily. Today, the daughter that I just told said that she doesn't think the other daughter knows and she also thinks she isn't ready to be told. So we will see. If she avoids the home enough to not figure it out, I will eventually tell her when I feel she is ready. I think she will be supportive once she gets past her teen years.


Is your daughter ready to meet you? If not, are you OK with the idea that it may take her a little while to feel comfortable with seeing you dressed?

After our talk, I told her that I wanted to not be too fast about showing her "me". Today her and my wife went shopping at an outlet center and she wanted to buy me some heels she saw. She backed out since it was a long drive from the house to return them if they didn't fit. Then she told my wife that she wants to go to a Tri-Ess meeting with me. So it sure seems she is ready. But I still want to talk it over with her just to be sure the gas pedal isn't pushed too fast. But otherwise things are obviously going very well and I am getting teary eyed again. :love:

[Kathi Lake]

Wow, to go to a meeting with you?! That is wonderful, and shows a level of acceptance and love that certainly deserves tears, my friend!!

Who knows, maybe one day I will get the courage to get to a meeting with you. Of course, that means that I'll first need to get the courage to ask my wife about that, which means I'll first need the courage to be more open with her, which means I'll first need the courage to . . .

:)

Kathi

[Laura Evans]

I am so happy for you Sue. I have two sons both married and with their own children. I have not told them for reason #1 that you gave at the beginning but I suspect they would be accepting. My youngest may know since he walked in on her many years ago but nothing has ever been said about it. Reading your post gives me the courage to someday open up to them.

[PretzelGirl]

Who knows, maybe one day I will get the courage to get to a meeting with you. Of course, that means that I'll first need to get the courage to ask my wife about that, which means I'll first need the courage to be more open with her, which means I'll first need the courage to . . .


She won't let you come to poker night? :heehee:


Reading your post gives me the courage to someday open up to them.

That would be great! But all disclaimers come with it. As we can see in some other posts, the results aren't always good. But kids in general see to be supportive of their parents. I also believe in the younger generations being more accepting on the whole. But everyone knows their own kids, so for me it was close your eyes and feel it. I felt it with this one and don't with the other daughter. I think I am at least half right now.

[Sarah Doepner]

This sounds like it's working out well Sue. I'm very happy for you and I would love to see you and meet your daughter at an upcoming meeting.

Concerning your younger daughter, it sounds like postponeing letting her know is a good idea. I had teens who very much wanted to have "their own life" away from our home. There was very little about our family they found interesting or comforting for various lengths of time, even unconditional love, the basic comforts and security. Prodigal children all. But all but one of them came back to be part of the family eventually. None live with us and the one is a little isolated now, partly because of the path he chose instead of relying on family instead of friends.

The others will probably learn about my crossdressing one of these days and probably sooner rather than later. It may be that you will have to see what path your younger daughter chooses before you tell her. It's hard to tell how the new information would effect her. She could decide that Dad is cooler than she thought and understands what it is to feel different. Or the news may be just the thing she was looking for as an excuse to stay away even more. Sometimes its a crapshoot.

[PretzelGirl]

At the risk of bumping my own thread, I have an epilogue.

My daughter's husband got back in town last night. I knew once I told her, that he was next. Can't only tell one part of a couple. And as a son-in-law, he means a lot to me as he is a good person and great to my daughter and grandsons.

So tonight it was the same deal. After the grandkids were in bed, we were all in the living room. I predicted that he would laugh and not say a whole lot more. I was mostly right. First, I think he thought it was a joke. My daughter had been joking with him all day, so I think he suspected it was my turn to pull his chain. So one of the first things I had to tell him is that I was serious. He didn't have any questions as he looked to really be processing it all. But he did say he appreciated being trusted with something like this. We went on to play some board games for the rest of the night and everything was pretty normal. So more nerve build-up and things seem to be good.

So this chapter ends well. I will once again count my blessings that I have these wonderful people in my life.

[~Michelle~]

I will once again count my blessings that I have these wonderful people in my life.

That's exactly what I was thinking earlier about you and your family Sue, that you are indeed blessed with them!

Thanks for sharing this with us, I read all of your comments with great interest! :daydreaming:

[Sarah Doepner]

Congrats on taking that next step. It may not have been the easy thing to do, but it was the "Right" thing to do. It gives both of them support as they adjust to the new world. Additionally, I'm sure your daughter will be a great sounding board and calming influence for any concerns her husband may have. And although he seemed to accept it and act normal for the rest of the night, I'm sure he has more questions than answers for the time being. I'll be very interested to hear what questions or reservations he may have.

[t-girlxsophie]

My Son found out I Crossdressed a couple of years after my Marriage ended,in no small part due to my dressing.we never talked for almost 6 months and I nearly lost him.I can tell you it broke my heart in two,and was the worst time in my life.Now I have no idea if he ever thinks of my "hobby" now,or any of his thought processes regarding this issue,I am probably different to most on here,for I will NEVER seek out his opinion,or ask for his support,Its better to steer well away from the Issue in my case,am sorry for being so negative,but thats just my personal circumstance I hope if anyone comes out to their Children It goes well for all of you