PetiteTonya
03-27-2010, 02:45 PM
...you discover things about yourself later in life and because you've attained a level of maturity and wisdom, you cope well, you integrate all of these new changes and adjust easily to the fact that you are transgendered.
In a perfect world, when the entire process of transformation and self discovery is driven and nurtured by a caring, loving genetic female who comes to love your feminine side perhaps even more than she loved you as a man, you hold on to that connection for dear life and do whatever is necessary to preserve it.
It has been 20 months since this new fact of life has occurred. I thought at first I was handling things rather well. Yes I made subtle changes to my body, nothing too dramatic. Outward appearances really don't matter though.
It's what happened inside of me that has been the most difficult to explain and also cope with.
I've become passive...somewhat. At least that is her opinion. I'm in love with a woman who needs to feel those manly things that I was so adept at providing at the beginning of this relationship. I ask myself why is it so hard for me to do that now???..or....perhaps a better way to say it is...why is it no longer second nature?
My words and even sometimes my actions confuse her...they make her feel unwanted while at the same time, I feel that my actions have been quite meaningful and clearly show my love for her.
But it's not enough....it's just not enough to sustain her.
In a perfect world, both of us would be able to understand all of these new things and overcome them.
I don't fit in...anywhere really.
I'm not sexually motivated when I'm out as a woman...I have no curiosity about my sexual orientation...in fact,Truth be told, sex is different for me now..it's all about pleasing the woman that defined me and being pleased.
Please understand, I'm not complaining or lamenting my current lot in life, but my first time "dressed" was also the first time I ventured out in public...and of course ...she was there...she arranged it...brought all that was needed to transform me...and gently but firmly nudged me out the door. That little outing sparked a series of events that can only be described as amazingly wonderful and at the same time, extremely difficult.
Since then...I have lived my life according to a new set of rules...ones I still don't really understand and as many of these new rules are self imposed, they serve to do nothing more than isolate me, my feelings and my actions.
My "code of conduct" if you will, was also very much defined by the woman who, in many ways created me.
Anyone who asserts that the basic foundation of love never changes would be wrong...wrong...wrong.
I often ask myself if my life was more "perfect" before this discovery. This afternoon, I would say yes it was.
I say this because in my perfect little previous life, I was clear in my thinking. Confusion was never an issue. Fretting, worry and little OCD behaviours were not part of my daily existence.
It's rather ironic....that when all of this happened, we..she and I viewed it as "harmless fun".
Long distance relationships are challenging to say the least, and become even more difficult when you throw a life changing event into the mix....one that was shared together by two people.
So...I'll go out tonight...I'll transform...get ready and socialize with people, that for the most part have different needs, wants and agendas than I.
I'll be bubbly....friendly and demure as is my nature when I'm transformed.
Then I'll come home, transform back and continue to do what I've been doing for a few weeks now.... seriously question whether being transgendered is really such an amazing and wonderful gift.
Gaining one important thing, only to lose another equally important thing could be viewed as an equal trade off...
But that is only one point of view and not one I share right now.
The world isn't perfect and neither am I....but this afternoon I feel that the person that I feel I am today is less than fulfilled compared to the person I thought I was two years ago.
When does the balance begin? Is it possible that balance will elude me? If it's out there, I would like to attain it soon...next week would be nice.
Idle ramblings I know...but it helps to write it down sometimes.
My best wishes to all.
In a perfect world, when the entire process of transformation and self discovery is driven and nurtured by a caring, loving genetic female who comes to love your feminine side perhaps even more than she loved you as a man, you hold on to that connection for dear life and do whatever is necessary to preserve it.
It has been 20 months since this new fact of life has occurred. I thought at first I was handling things rather well. Yes I made subtle changes to my body, nothing too dramatic. Outward appearances really don't matter though.
It's what happened inside of me that has been the most difficult to explain and also cope with.
I've become passive...somewhat. At least that is her opinion. I'm in love with a woman who needs to feel those manly things that I was so adept at providing at the beginning of this relationship. I ask myself why is it so hard for me to do that now???..or....perhaps a better way to say it is...why is it no longer second nature?
My words and even sometimes my actions confuse her...they make her feel unwanted while at the same time, I feel that my actions have been quite meaningful and clearly show my love for her.
But it's not enough....it's just not enough to sustain her.
In a perfect world, both of us would be able to understand all of these new things and overcome them.
I don't fit in...anywhere really.
I'm not sexually motivated when I'm out as a woman...I have no curiosity about my sexual orientation...in fact,Truth be told, sex is different for me now..it's all about pleasing the woman that defined me and being pleased.
Please understand, I'm not complaining or lamenting my current lot in life, but my first time "dressed" was also the first time I ventured out in public...and of course ...she was there...she arranged it...brought all that was needed to transform me...and gently but firmly nudged me out the door. That little outing sparked a series of events that can only be described as amazingly wonderful and at the same time, extremely difficult.
Since then...I have lived my life according to a new set of rules...ones I still don't really understand and as many of these new rules are self imposed, they serve to do nothing more than isolate me, my feelings and my actions.
My "code of conduct" if you will, was also very much defined by the woman who, in many ways created me.
Anyone who asserts that the basic foundation of love never changes would be wrong...wrong...wrong.
I often ask myself if my life was more "perfect" before this discovery. This afternoon, I would say yes it was.
I say this because in my perfect little previous life, I was clear in my thinking. Confusion was never an issue. Fretting, worry and little OCD behaviours were not part of my daily existence.
It's rather ironic....that when all of this happened, we..she and I viewed it as "harmless fun".
Long distance relationships are challenging to say the least, and become even more difficult when you throw a life changing event into the mix....one that was shared together by two people.
So...I'll go out tonight...I'll transform...get ready and socialize with people, that for the most part have different needs, wants and agendas than I.
I'll be bubbly....friendly and demure as is my nature when I'm transformed.
Then I'll come home, transform back and continue to do what I've been doing for a few weeks now.... seriously question whether being transgendered is really such an amazing and wonderful gift.
Gaining one important thing, only to lose another equally important thing could be viewed as an equal trade off...
But that is only one point of view and not one I share right now.
The world isn't perfect and neither am I....but this afternoon I feel that the person that I feel I am today is less than fulfilled compared to the person I thought I was two years ago.
When does the balance begin? Is it possible that balance will elude me? If it's out there, I would like to attain it soon...next week would be nice.
Idle ramblings I know...but it helps to write it down sometimes.
My best wishes to all.