Misty is Kindafem
03-28-2010, 04:29 PM
Becoming Misty :Part 1
The twists and turns life takes are truly magical.
Today I had an epiphany while I was wishing and hoping. In my last journal post I described a life of running from the little girl inside. The O'Henry type of twist I've suffered is more comical than tragic. As a boy, I was so feminine that I was literally mistaken for a girl at least once a day. My hair was a little too long, my frame was a little too small and my voice was a little too high. I, of course was too young to feel one way or another about my presentation but as time went on, and I began to be shunned by both sexes, I began my "transformation" into manhood. Over the years I learned to be a man and I worked hard to "masculine-ize" myself. Keep in mind that all the while I was fighting off my innate sensitivity and femininity. Real men don't cry. Real men don't like to shop. Real men don't drink Cosmos. Speaking of drinking, I wouldn't do it. I never drank alcohol throughout my twenties because I was terrified that my mask would slip if I got drunk. I had already "experimented" with men and I was certain that the right combination of circumstances would confirm to everyone that I was just a sissy and probably a fag too. Obviously I was projecting a bit and it's absolutely true that those who are the most demonstrably anti gay are in all likelihood terrified to face their own reality.
So time passes and about a year ago I stopped pretending and learned to embrace my inner self. I admitted out loud that not only am I attracted to men, but I HATED being one. I was at the end of my rope. I was sick sick sick of trying to be rugged and tough. All of my childhood memories came flooding over me and I decided then and there that I was going to be true to myself. I had career obligations but I was finished hiding in my own home. I had taken a huge step forward towards self acceptance, ...but I wasn't quite there yet.
Today I took another step towards self acceptance and love. Isn't it funny that we sabotage ourselves and our own happiness so cunningly that we don't even know that we're doing it.
All of those years of "manliness" had taken quite a toll on my naturally fem form so there I was, standing in front of the mirror and, and ...hating. I'm thinking to myself that someday "this" will be gone and "that" will be different. I was wishing for the impossible and waiting for changes that will come slowly if at all. Then something magical happened. A phrase came to my mind and soaked into my impatient and unsatisfied spirit. What of the waiting?
What of the waiting? What the F am I waiting for? When will I love myself? When I'm perfect? That'll be a long wait honey. I decided right then to stop waiting and start loving. I made a vow to myself that I would no longer dwell on what was wrong with me, but I would celebrate what was right. I realized that I was extremely lucky and blessed to be who and what I am right now, so I sat down and wrote out a few things that I should always be grateful for.
My youth - I'm not 29 anymore, but I was a tortured soul at that age. I'm at the age where I can appreciate my victories as well as my losses. I'm young enough to still be hot but old enough to enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it, the way a younger person could never understand.
My body - I'm not a Victoria's Secret model, but I have many advantages over a lot of my TG sisters. I have small wrists and hands, I do not have copious amounts of body hair, I have no adams apple, I'm not stocky. There are many many things I could complain about in regard to my body but there are many more blessings to be thankful for. When I complain about this horrid "guy" body, it's a slap in the face to those brave sisters who have more challenges than I, yet they push through and make the best of what they have. When a 250 pound guy can rock a strapless gown and be the belle of the ball while she dances the night away, then I just need to shut the F up.
My hair - Is growing out nicely and I'm just one salon visit away from being done with wigs forever.
My lifestyle - I'm free. I have no family or no relationship that I have to consider. Many of my sisters come out to themselves at this age but are forced to remain hidden due to wives or close family members that will not accept who they are. It's embarrassing for me to complain about being closeted at work when this is my own choice. I'm only closeted because I don't want to sacrifice my comfort. Some sisters are closeted because they don't want to sacrifice their family. My concerns seem a little shallow in comparison. Again, there are people like me out there who have REAL problems and REAL consequences for self actualization. The worst thing that could happen to me is embarrassment or a loss of a job. What in the hell do I have to complain about? It is unacceptable for a man to complain about the long drive while others must walk.
The lesson here is the same for all of us. Stop waiting and start living. For everything you complain about in your life, there must be at least one thing to be thankful for. If we can all just get in the habit of celebrating what is right, maybe we'll eventually stop noticing what is wrong.
Maybe what's wrong, isn't the problem at all.
-Misty
The twists and turns life takes are truly magical.
Today I had an epiphany while I was wishing and hoping. In my last journal post I described a life of running from the little girl inside. The O'Henry type of twist I've suffered is more comical than tragic. As a boy, I was so feminine that I was literally mistaken for a girl at least once a day. My hair was a little too long, my frame was a little too small and my voice was a little too high. I, of course was too young to feel one way or another about my presentation but as time went on, and I began to be shunned by both sexes, I began my "transformation" into manhood. Over the years I learned to be a man and I worked hard to "masculine-ize" myself. Keep in mind that all the while I was fighting off my innate sensitivity and femininity. Real men don't cry. Real men don't like to shop. Real men don't drink Cosmos. Speaking of drinking, I wouldn't do it. I never drank alcohol throughout my twenties because I was terrified that my mask would slip if I got drunk. I had already "experimented" with men and I was certain that the right combination of circumstances would confirm to everyone that I was just a sissy and probably a fag too. Obviously I was projecting a bit and it's absolutely true that those who are the most demonstrably anti gay are in all likelihood terrified to face their own reality.
So time passes and about a year ago I stopped pretending and learned to embrace my inner self. I admitted out loud that not only am I attracted to men, but I HATED being one. I was at the end of my rope. I was sick sick sick of trying to be rugged and tough. All of my childhood memories came flooding over me and I decided then and there that I was going to be true to myself. I had career obligations but I was finished hiding in my own home. I had taken a huge step forward towards self acceptance, ...but I wasn't quite there yet.
Today I took another step towards self acceptance and love. Isn't it funny that we sabotage ourselves and our own happiness so cunningly that we don't even know that we're doing it.
All of those years of "manliness" had taken quite a toll on my naturally fem form so there I was, standing in front of the mirror and, and ...hating. I'm thinking to myself that someday "this" will be gone and "that" will be different. I was wishing for the impossible and waiting for changes that will come slowly if at all. Then something magical happened. A phrase came to my mind and soaked into my impatient and unsatisfied spirit. What of the waiting?
What of the waiting? What the F am I waiting for? When will I love myself? When I'm perfect? That'll be a long wait honey. I decided right then to stop waiting and start loving. I made a vow to myself that I would no longer dwell on what was wrong with me, but I would celebrate what was right. I realized that I was extremely lucky and blessed to be who and what I am right now, so I sat down and wrote out a few things that I should always be grateful for.
My youth - I'm not 29 anymore, but I was a tortured soul at that age. I'm at the age where I can appreciate my victories as well as my losses. I'm young enough to still be hot but old enough to enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it, the way a younger person could never understand.
My body - I'm not a Victoria's Secret model, but I have many advantages over a lot of my TG sisters. I have small wrists and hands, I do not have copious amounts of body hair, I have no adams apple, I'm not stocky. There are many many things I could complain about in regard to my body but there are many more blessings to be thankful for. When I complain about this horrid "guy" body, it's a slap in the face to those brave sisters who have more challenges than I, yet they push through and make the best of what they have. When a 250 pound guy can rock a strapless gown and be the belle of the ball while she dances the night away, then I just need to shut the F up.
My hair - Is growing out nicely and I'm just one salon visit away from being done with wigs forever.
My lifestyle - I'm free. I have no family or no relationship that I have to consider. Many of my sisters come out to themselves at this age but are forced to remain hidden due to wives or close family members that will not accept who they are. It's embarrassing for me to complain about being closeted at work when this is my own choice. I'm only closeted because I don't want to sacrifice my comfort. Some sisters are closeted because they don't want to sacrifice their family. My concerns seem a little shallow in comparison. Again, there are people like me out there who have REAL problems and REAL consequences for self actualization. The worst thing that could happen to me is embarrassment or a loss of a job. What in the hell do I have to complain about? It is unacceptable for a man to complain about the long drive while others must walk.
The lesson here is the same for all of us. Stop waiting and start living. For everything you complain about in your life, there must be at least one thing to be thankful for. If we can all just get in the habit of celebrating what is right, maybe we'll eventually stop noticing what is wrong.
Maybe what's wrong, isn't the problem at all.
-Misty