Resentment - Is it fair?

[AKAMichelle]

I get really jealous of some of you to have accepting wives and kids. All I really asked for a little understanding, but what I always got was intolerance.

This leads me to my feelings of resentment toward my wife. I guess my feelings are made worse by the fact that she was very sick several years ago. We moved out to Denver because the climate was better for her. She has since recovered from what was originally listed as incurable and would eventually kill her later in life. Tonight she told me that my cd'ing was a compulsion. She knew all of the reasons that I have given her for my cd'ing. She spouted them off to me 1-2-3. She claims that cd'ing is a illness. That makes me very upset. Our vows said through sickness or health and here she turns her back on my illness. Years ago for her, I did what I thought was the right decision based upon the circumstances. I get made fun of but yet she calls it an illness.

Is it fair to call this unfair? Should we expect fairness when we crossdress? Or are we just fair game for our loved ones to make fun of us?

I hope this post doesn't get me in trouble with the censors. This post only used my wife to explain how all things aren't created equal. It seems once we admit that we crossdress that we lose some of our rights? We get treated as if we have leprosy and no one cares. People can turn their backs on us even though in their time of need we were there for them.

Unfair <PERIOD>

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I was feeling a lot of angst from you, like you're at your wits' end. One possibility is that she could feel betrayed if you came out after marriage. I don't know if you did that or not.

Her stance that it's an illness certainly isn't progressive and in addition to your resentment, I have to ask if you two really should be together. Do you still love one another? Is your relationship more than just sniping at one another? I think the current situation, one way or another, is going to bring out the worst in you.

If you're looking to save the marriage, I suggest literature from the psychological field that deals with transgenderism.

[Samantha B L]

Michelle,I'm sorry that your situation is the way it is. I can't offer any words of wisdom or advice which would be of any help. My SO passed away 5 years ago and she was an enthusiastic mentor to my crossdressing. I'm sorry for your situation,Michelle,and I'll say a just a small prayer or two for you in the coming days. I do know from when I was much younger and still living at home what a pain in the ass and also how frustrating it is to have people around you who don't want you to dress and how they sometimes make an issue out of it. If it matters any,most mental health professionals don't think it's crazy but some of them will look for ways to change the subject if it's not their cup of tea or LGBT stuff grosses them out.

[Ms. Emily]

If she didn't know about your dressing until after you were married then I could see her being justified in being upset. She probably doesn't have to insult you. If she knew when she married you then she knew full well what she was getting herself into. I suppose it depends on when you decided to tell her about your CD'ing. She shouldn't think she can change you. It can't be good for your psyche to be agreeing with her that it's an illness though.

Resenting others for it isn't gonna do anything but make you upset, and that isn't doing anyone any good.

[Cassandra Lynn]

You have to be careful with resentment and anger. They are human feelings and can come and go, and there are many of us right there with you on this one. You need to process the resentment and let it go or it will lead you to making hasty decisions, maybe even bad choices. I believe you have spoken before about separation, so if your sure there can be know reconciliation, then maybe it's time for you to put some space between the two of you. Sounds like she is unloading a fair bit of the same on you and that is just causing more from you........bad cycle. Just my thoughts, wish you well.
Oh and it might also be better for you to not think of CDing as an illness, you are obviously a caring person, your not sick, just caught in a bad situation.
mj (Cassie)

[Paula W]

This reminds me a little bit of a joke from the late Mitch Hedberg.

"Alcoholism is a disease, but its the only disease you can get yelled at for having.

Damnit Otto, you're an alcoholic.

Damnit Otto, you have lupus!

One of those doesn't sound right."

In all seriousness, in a perfect world people would recognize a lifestyle that doesn't fit in with what they consider normal isn't necessarily wrong. In due time hopefully everything works itself out.

[Satrana]

Well since when was prejudice based on rationality? The prejudice for gender norms is deeply ingrained into our society and once someone makes up their mind to reject gender variance then you have one tough nut to crack. Your only real choice is to stand your ground and keep chipping away but without pushing overly hard.

Life is not fair, never was, never will be. There is no point in feeling sorry for yourself and thinking fairness should be expected or is entitled. Don't let life's challenges get you down, the illness is in society's viewpoint not inside you so continue to explore ways to express yourself without feeling ill-will towards your wife when she reacts negatively. That is her prejudice talking, learn to put it aside.

[eluuzion]

Wait a minute…is marriage an institution we are supposed to understand? I must have been home sick the day they covered that in class.
Let me take a second and review some of my notes…

Normal… a setting on a washing machine.
Fair… an informal amusement exposition where people pay lying vendors to play games designed to cheat them.
Support… a feature found in pantyhose.
In 50% of marriages, what men pay out and women with children receive.
Equal… a term relationship partners use to describe a scale that is overloaded in their favor.
Illness… a label used by one partner to describe the mental state of their SO that engages in behaviors or beliefs that do not match their own.

How does that saying go? ….”No good deed goes unpunished” sumptin’ like dat’…

“Knowledge and Understanding are two entirely different concepts.”

Hmmm…now, what was the question again?

ok, I guess I am not very good at marital advice, eh?

now, the divorce part...:battingeyelashes:

[ReineD]

Michelle, I don't blame you for being frustrated and angry. If typing it out helps you to process the feelings, then it it good that you are doing this. But please try to not let these feelings erode your core sense of well-being. I agree with Satrana that you cannot change your wife's views by yourself. Have you tried counseling? I don't believe any marital counselor today would believe cding is a sickness. Your wife is seriously uneducated in this area, and as sad as this is, she may be more open to believing a 'professional' than you?

Are there other issues in your marriage that are getting in the way of your wife's willingness to have a more open mind? Even people who hide behind religious objections may do so because they're not willing to look at the other, deeper, marital issues, even if many of them are their own.

Honestly, sometimes I think the trick is to focus on getting the marriage back on track (ignoring the cding issues) first, in order to separate the cding issues from everything else.

[suzy1]

Satrana said it all "Life is not fair, never was, never will be" It’s the 1st thing I taught my kids. Lets face it, to most people a man in a women’s dress is unacceptable to say the least. As for "some of you have accepting wives and kids" well, thay are in the minority.

[Persephone]

:hugs::hugs:Just wanted to send some hugs your way. It sounds like you need them!:hugs::hugs:

[Sarah_GG]

Could it be that your wife needs a little bit of education on the subject... if so, direct her towards this forum where she can maybe realise that her ignorance on the subject isn't helping her marriage.

It sounds like there are other issues within your marriage...

:hugs:

[Sheila]

A question or two

How long did it take you to come to terms with your dressing ?

how long have you been totally comfortable with your dressing ?

how many others know about your dressing and if not all why not ?

can your wife (if she wanted to) talk openly and at will with anybody about your dressing ?

[Shelly Preston]

Sorry to hear your having these feelings but I can understand why.
If she sees this as an illness then the obvious answer is to find a cure. It does sound like she need to hear CD'ing is not an illness from a professional.

Try to find a counsellor with transgender experience in your area. They should be able to help you both.

It may be your wife will still have difficulties when she learns more but its better she has all the facts correct. This will enable you to sit down and discuss things properly.

You also need to find out why you keep getting feelings of resentment ( as you have mentioned in previous posts)

Has you considered asking your wife to join the forum ?

[Karren H]

Ohh come on.... If she didn't know before you were married then she did not sign up for this... You ask that she understand and tollerate you yet you don't understand or tollerate her? Seems to be a disconnect... Family first.... Everything else takes a back seat.. Imho.... You married her for a reason and she you... If the playing field has changed drastically.... then maybe its time to take your ball and go home....

As a friend of mine says... "Life sucks and then you die"

[Sandra]

In this post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2090322&postcount=20) you did last week, you said that your wife didn't accept because of religious beliefs. If her beliefs are that strong then maybe she will never come round but.....she does need to be educated to see that cding is not an illness. Maybe if it's not to late, she could join here and chat with others GGs.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

especially listen to the GG's that responded..

Because your wife is currently not supportive, you have to deal with it, and although resentment is normal...you must also remember that its a two way street...how are you dealing with the resentment she is likely feeling?

saying you stuck by here, and now she has to stick by you is just not the way it works..its not tit for tat..

your best bet is to figure out what can get your wife more comfortable with you...its easier said than done...

[Angie G]

I've known a few people like that. I would never say you owe me I tend to cut this person loose. I thank god my wife accepts Angie it makes life os much easier.I'm sorry you can;t have what some of us have.I do wish you all could.:hugs:
Angie

[AmberLynn]

this is what hurt's me to read "are we just fair game for our loved ones to make fun of us?"

unfortunately yes in my case,My loved one's "not my wife" take great pleasure in brow beating me on allmost a weekly basis over my dressing/ and they have not seen me or heard of me dressing in over 10 years. It sounds like you have some major hurting going on right now with your wife.

just wondering though,since when has cding become a illness cause that's new's to me. If you didnt tell your wife before you got married i could see where she would/could have a problem with it. and i have heard a few religons look down on us as unpure souls "though i have never been confronted with that personly" However,no person should be put down for being who they are. I remember growing up to treat other's as i wanted to be treated.

Only thing i can add is you know deep down what's right and you are the one that will have to live with your decision,but everyone deserves to be respected :hugs: hold your head up,sound's like you are a very caring loving person

[AKAMichelle]

I am going to try and answer many of the questions below:


I was feeling a lot of angst from you, like you're at your wits' end. One possibility is that she could feel betrayed if you came out after marriage. I don't know if you did that or not.

Her stance that it's an illness certainly isn't progressive and in addition to your resentment, I have to ask if you two really should be together. Do you still love one another? Is your relationship more than just sniping at one another? I think the current situation, one way or another, is going to bring out the worst in you.

We do bring out the worst in each other. There is a lot more here than this one post allows, but cd'ing is only one part. Several years ago when I was suicidal I went to see my first therapist ever. After 1.5 hours of talking with her, I felt 100% better. She told me that my wife was toxic to me. I didn't want to believe that statement and wanted to prove her wrong. I thought that people don't have to stay toxic to you, but mine did. It took me 2 years to finally dig out of my depression but I eventually did. I got back to the optmistic person that I am. It was a hard journey and for the most part I had to do it without my wife's help. She was a major contributing factor to the depression.


ok, I guess I am not very good at marital advice, eh?

now, the divorce part...:battingeyelashes:

No you are terrible at it, but you are still someone that I have a lot in common with.


Michelle, I don't blame you for being frustrated and angry. If typing it out helps you to process the feelings, then it it good that you are doing this. But please try to not let these feelings erode your core sense of well-being. I agree with Satrana that you cannot change your wife's views by yourself. Have you tried counseling? I don't believe any marital counselor today would believe cding is a sickness. Your wife is seriously uneducated in this area, and as sad as this is, she may be more open to believing a 'professional' than you?

Are there other issues in your marriage that are getting in the way of your wife's willingness to have a more open mind? Even people who hide behind religious objections may do so because they're not willing to look at the other, deeper, marital issues, even if many of them are their own.

Honestly, sometimes I think the trick is to focus on getting the marriage back on track (ignoring the cding issues) first, in order to separate the cding issues from everything else.

That we have tried. I put everything away for a year so cd'ing wouldn't be an issue, but it still was. We snipe and fight every week. Luckily it is not an everyday event. Things have become much more peaceful lately since we have decided to file for divorce. On May 7th we will be separating for the final time and then filing for divorce. We recently went to a marriage counselor together and after 1 hour of talking, the therapist asked why are you here? See we spent the entire hour riping each other up. After we calmed down a little, the therapist asked us to find 5 things which we need from the other person. I told my wife about one of things that I needed and she flatly refused. All I asked for was her not to cut to shreds all of the time because I am a crossdresser. She said that I need to come clean with my sin and go back to the way I had been before. That was the conversation that ended it all. I knew it was over.


In this post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2090322&postcount=20) you did last week, you said that your wife didn't accept because of religious beliefs. If her beliefs are that strong then maybe she will never come round but.....she does need to be educated to see that cding is not an illness. Maybe if it's not to late, she could join here and chat with others GGs.

Her views are that strong. Our marriage died some time ago. I was ready but not ready. You have to be ready to pay the price and I wasn't ready yet. I kept thinking against all odds that we could work out our differences.

I am sad about the end to my marriage, but I am looking forward to finding peace in my life. Before I thought that some other woman would fix what is wrong with me. They can't. I am going out of this marriage to find me again. I don't have to have anyone in my life but it would be nice sometime later in the future. I was just frustrated tonight and instead of taking it out on her, I wrote it here. I am looking forward to the journey which will begin on May 7th. Thanks for all your comments of support. It helped.

I just realized that I forgot to answer one of the questions. When did I tell my wife. The answer is after 24 years of marriage.

We had been separated 7 times at that point. We were on a 13 year run of our marriage being pretty stable. I had been feeling terribly guilty for not telling her. It was becoming a wall between us that she knew nothing about. So I told her hoping that she would see how hard it was for me to tell her and it would start a new level of dialogue between us. It didn't. We talked about it some, but then she began to tell her best friend, her parents, and our kids. Now she didn't tell the boys out right, but rather started hinting around them about my cd'ing. Pretty soon they knew and I had to talk with each one of them. The communication we had before telling quickly became a 2 way resentment.

So basically telling her when I did caused problems to spiral so much that they turned into a hurricane. I tried to get her to read about it. She read about it. She found the sites which had all of the religious reasons we were bad people. The truth was too much for our marriage.

Would I change anything about telling her? Only that I should have told her before we got married. I tried to explain to her that when we married I thought it was over and no need to tell her. I was terribly embarrassed so I hid it. I also thought I could beat it now that I was married. So much for thinking.

[kristinacd55]

Michelle, First of all, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing getting divorced. It seems like your relationship is toxic, and I think moving on is the right thing to do for both of you. Life is too short!!

[Jessy]

There isn't a lot I can say that hasn't been said already. Life often isn't fair indeed.

When it comes to religious believes, which is a complicated subject on its own, I'm usually done with it pretty fast. I do believe in God, but not in the church and all the things created by people around it. If a very religious person tells me it's wrong, I usually say that God created me, and I am who I am, and his/her attacks are based on rules created by (ignorant) people. So who's ignorant then...?

[Blaire]

"Wouldn't it be awful if life was fair, and we actually deserved all of the terrible things that happen to us?". Love that quote.

With 7 separations in 24 years, it's pretty obvious compromise isn't in either or both of your vocabularies. It seems that on more than one occasion at least one of you have taken the "my way or the highway" approach, and the relationship has taken a quid pro quo turn. A trip to the councillor isn't open season on sparring, and. When both parties are doing the talking... Noone's listening.

The path you've chosen is probably the best for the peace of all. The relationship's soured beyond repair, and efforts need to be spent on damage control. At least if the marriage doesn't survive, perhaps some lessons from it can still be learned.

[Joanne f]

Is it fair?, well everything is fair when it is something that you want but the problem comes when the other persons fair is the opposite to what you want .
You think it is fair to have the CDing accepted while your wife thinks it is fair that her religious beliefs are taken into account and you should not Cd.
So in all fairness there should be a middle ground but who judges where that middle ground is , i think of it as a scale and it depends where you want to be on that scale whether it is classed as fair or not .
If i wanted to just wear a skirt or a top sometimes then i would consider it fair to be able to do that , if i wanted to get dressed and go out then i would not consider it fair to expect that , now it would depend on the tolerance of my wife as to were the middle point comes where i hope we would both agree that it was fair on us both and if nether party would budge from their high ground then i would consider that unfair.
It will also have some effect on that scale as to the strength of conviction of the two individuals beliefs so the middle is not always the starting point to what might be considered fair .:doh:
( As the saying go`s) that is about as clear as mud.:heehee:

[Sheila]

Michelle whether your stance or your wifes stance is fair or not, I am sorry that your marriage is ending, that there is no way for you both to work together 24 years + is a very long time to be tog ............ I wish you both well for your futures :hugs:

[Di]

In this post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2090322&postcount=20) you did last week, you said that your wife didn't accept because of religious beliefs. If her beliefs are that strong then maybe she will never come round but.....she does need to be educated to see that cding is not an illness. Maybe if it's not to late, she could join here and chat with others GGs.
I agree with all the GG's that have posted so far.....but she really needs to be educated to the truth saying it is an illness :eek:

[eluuzion]

Separation, divorce and other matters of skating on the wrong side of the ice are never fun. There are no winners in those games, only two losers. Sadly, partners typically spend their time at the end of a long relationship like two exhausted rag dolls, putting what little energy they have left, into beating each other with emotional shovels.

The day your first child is born is the day the ship sailed on walking away “clean” from the relationship, as it was before children + marriage. The days of grabbing your cell phone, wallet and a carry-on and wheeling out the door to never see your SO again are over. With kids, you realize you will still have a “relationship” with your soon to be “ex” for a long, long time after you split up.

I can relate to your “therapy” train wreck. After my ex’s 4th affair, I was the one that scheduled an appointment with the “counselor”. I received the same “toxic” observation response about my ex from my counselor too. But I continued for 17 more “couple” sessions with my ex, watching the workbook and “homework” papers collect dust on the bed stand next to the ex, as she read paperback novels every night. I finally advised her that I was not going to pay $150 per session to have her ignore my attempts to work on it. The next session I announced to both my ex and counselor we were all wasting our time. Stick me with a fork…I’m done. I spent endured two years of that nonsense before finally filing the papers. Why wait so long? One reason. We had a two-year-old and she had a six-year-old from another ex.

I wanted to be 100% sure I did everything in my power to salvage things and I would be a better parent alone, than if I stayed. That is the difference between having regrets or not having them, for future years to come. I was right. My point is this…walking away with 100% certainty can save you a lot of ruminating about the decision in the future.

Sounds like you both have acknowledged that it is not time to lower the anchor again…it is time to cut the rope. Two people with a chance for happiness is better than two people living in misery. Neither of you is a bad person, you just make a bad couple now. Hopefully you both commit to the one thing that really matters…supporting your kids…

My only other suggestion…start repeating this little phrase, over and over…until it does not mean anything to you anymore….”It’s only money” “It’s only money”….don’t worry, you will get used to it after a couple years of not having any….hehhee.

Take care of yourself, it is a long road, but it is worth it.

Love,

“MOM” lol

[AKAMichelle]

I know it is a long road. You have to be mentally ready to make that big step. It takes a long time for you to be ready.

After 2.5 years, I am finally there. Realizing that it will cost you money is an important step. Freedom doesn't come cheap, but when you are willing to be broke if necessary then it's time.

[sherri52]

Michele it seems like you are having problems with your wife. The dressing is just another way for her to get back at you. First you have to get to the root of the problem. If you can fix the main problem then the dressing may not be as bad as she thinks. It is not a sickness and the sooner those that say it is find this out the better off we will all be.

[Imogen_Mann]

My previous relationship... I resent her attitude towards my dressing, and her lies at the end, claiming she was cool with it" and no way was it the reason she left.

Lies, and resentment the shame is I still have to be polite to her (we managed to breed). I think i's perfectly natural, just keep it in check. Don't let it ruin your life.

[carolinoakland]

First , i'm sorry for your pain. But I think that a lot of guilt still excists. I remember going to couples counselling once, and just didn't want to hear it when the therapist said that "you two might discover that the best thing for you both is to break up." I was there to FIX this. So, I learned, there are some things that CAN'T be fixed. And for all of that, I think you also, if you will be honest... are happy and exited about the future coming at you. no more hiding who you are and what makes you happy. You are finally going to give yourself permission to be happy. I did , and I always accept that the price of that happiness, and frankly, sanity; is that I will spend the rest of this wonderful life as a single person. Lonely is much easier to deal with than the consequence's of a choice made to avoid being alone. Carol

[AKAMichelle]

You are finally going to give yourself permission to be happy.

I think that sums up the whole situation. The 2 of us will never be happy.