Soriya
03-30-2010, 12:35 PM
Good afternoon all!
I though about posting this last night in my intro. but chose not to. After a night of sleep, I decided I should as maybe it will help others who are still making sense of everything. Bare in mind what I am about to type are things I was not aware of less then a week ago and have only pieced together by unlocking blocked memories for all these years. I have always had a wicked memory and can remember things as far back as 3 years old so to learn that I had actually blocked out memories has been interesting to learn. Here it all is in nut shell and will hopefully be in print somewhere down the road as I have already begun writing a story based off it. :) This is just the Crossdressing connection.
I remember now how it started. I was around 5 years old and grew up with 2 older brothers, one full and the other a half brother from my dads first marriage. My dad wasn't around much but not because he was a bad father, just a traditional Italian man who would work 6 jobs if he had to to keep the roof over the house so my mom was the prominent one in our lives. It was my mom who started dressing me. I assume through my own intuition that she did this because she always wanted a daughter but never got one. It was natural for her to do this with me and not my brother because he was the one who always wanted to be outside where I preferred to be inside. This went on for a few years and from I can remember, I enjoyed it as I developed a bond with my mother, it made her happy which made me happy.
Around the age of eight, my parents began their divorce proceedings and neither was around much, dad for work, mom going out 3 times a week so we had baby sitters. I remember one night when my older half brother who was 17 at the time was baby sitting, I went to my moms closet and pulled out all the things she would dress me in. My brothers girlfriend who was there also, ended up messing around with me while he watched. This went on a few times when they baby sat for us and eventually mother found out. This did not go over well as she exploded on my brother, my dad, and me. I suspect her dressing me was 'our' time and not meant for anyone else to see and know about. I also remember now her fighting with my dad about his son doing what he did to me.
A few years later it began again. I was around 12 years old and now it was just my full brother, mom, and I. I remember chasing the dog into her room one day and seeing some of her clothes on the bed. It didn't take long and I was off to the races going through her closets and drawers every chance I could get but unknown to me was my original past. I didn't know why I was doing this and went through all the regret, guilt, and anxiety afterward that most of us have felt. Outside of this, my life was in shambles. I had the thoughts the world hated me and being picked on in and out of school daily just verified those thoughts. Compound it with crossdressing and not understanding it, yea, this got bad. But I couldn't stop. This went on for a few years in secret never being caught but so many near misses, enough to scare the crap out of me. Each time my mom would come home, it seemed she would race upstairs to see what I was doing, I have a feeling she knew. Who am I kidding, she did know. Finally one day around 15, she confronted me. I of course denied it but this didn't go over to well and she flipped out trying to get me to confess, going as far as threatening to start ripping up all my comics, which she eventually did. Those comics where my life, my life away from the reality of a world that hated me. She ripped that away from me and further cemented I was no good. I would never dress again after that....so I thought.
It was another 10 years before I would ever dress again, around the age of 25 while living with my GF at the time. That relationship was pretty bad from the start and the issues had nothing to do with CD'ing. Since the episode at 15, I of course had thoughts about it, you know, walking through a mall and seeing womens clothing on display. I would think to myself, "Ohhhh, I would love to try that on" only to instantly send myself to a severe mental beating to stop myself from thinking it. It was wrong, strange and weird!. However I was so alone in that relationship, one night when she was working, it started again. I was in the closet and saw her clothes hanging there. I stared and the butterflies of excitement began to flood me. At this point in my life I was around 165 at 5'9'' a very slender 165. She was 5'7'' and around 125 and to my surprise, I fit into her clothes almost perfect! I went to town! Not literally though LOL. This brought a whole new level to dressing for me being an adult for one, and two, this time frame was also the first time I experienced high heels and full makeup. That first night I did my whole face as best as I could, wearing a tight black spandex top and mini skirt with stockings and black pumps, I put the wig that I had bought and turned around and saw something I couldn't believe. I can feel those emotions perfectly right now just typing this. I was shocked and what I saw. I couldn't believe that was really me standing there. I must admit, I got a little excited too, OK, A LOT excited! I starred at myself for what must have been over an hour then starting walking and dancing around to that late 80's, early 90's dance song 'Everybody dance now' LOL. Soriya was born.
That time frame in my 20's was the most fun I have ever had dressing because it was so real with my emotions, senses, and appearance however, it was one of the hardest due to my learned behavior of how dressing was bad thing and each time I was done, the guilt and regret would get stronger. Purging became the norm in what seemed like a weekly occurrence. It was such a roller coaster to feel the level of excitement I did during it to only have it come crashing down to the same old question of why in the hell am I doing this? Once again, I had a near miss and my GF almost caught me. She basically did. She wasn't supposed to be home when she got home but there she was, banging on the Window to get into the apartment. I was so scared. It took me a few minutes to get everything off and I finally let her in at which time she ran around looking for another girl as she suspected that was what I was doing. I was real lucky as she did not have her key to get in that night. I somehow defused the situation and convinced her to run to the store at which time I did one massive, super fast final purge. I have not dressed since then, 11 years.
Now here I sit, alone, finalizing my divorce after being with my wife for 9 years (not the same ex). CD'ing has had nothing to do with the split but here I am now, basically single and living on my own with nobody around. The desire is returned as well as all the questions.
My analysis..
This began because of an issue with my mother always wanting a daughter. I only know this after this weeks soul searching on here. I also learned in the last 6 months that I have always been looking for acceptance from my mom my whole life, felt like I could never make her happy. Now I know why. Playing dress up with her made her happy and we developed a bond during that time, even though it was not the right thing for her to do but regardless, she expressed a different love for me as a girl, I see that now. When she found out what my brother and GF did, she flipped out on them and me, then fought with my dad over it during their divorce. Little did I know then, but this affected me and I developed a feeling that I was the problem. All of the sudden this bond between her and I was considered bad. I felt like she din;t except me, didn't love me. I know she also must have realized what she may have caused with me by dressing me up those few years, a fear she turned me gay. Starting to dress in my early teens again, I had blocked out my other memories because of the pain associated, this is why I started to ask myself why I was doing this. I was also subconsciously trying to connect back to that love I saw she had for a girl she really didn't have. Remember at that time in my life, the world hated me. When she confronted me in my teens and ripped up my comics, it wasn't me she was angry at, it was herself because she blamed herself for creating it and feared she turned me gay (I am not by the way). This also subconsciously taught me to not allow myself to enjoy this side of me because the end results were always bad. Learned behavior.
So now I know how and why it started and all though it was not by my choice and my enjoyment was for the love I saw she had for me, I cannot deny that self enjoyment I experienced in my 20's. So now here I sit, ready to explore this side of me again, and ALLOW myself to enjoy it and see where it goes. I know my mom loves me for who I really am so that question is answered. Who knows, with all the info I have now, I may come to realize, this just is not for me but one thing remains clear, I need to know that answer and I am not afraid to find it out. :D
Everything makes perfect sense now :)
XO
Soriya
I though about posting this last night in my intro. but chose not to. After a night of sleep, I decided I should as maybe it will help others who are still making sense of everything. Bare in mind what I am about to type are things I was not aware of less then a week ago and have only pieced together by unlocking blocked memories for all these years. I have always had a wicked memory and can remember things as far back as 3 years old so to learn that I had actually blocked out memories has been interesting to learn. Here it all is in nut shell and will hopefully be in print somewhere down the road as I have already begun writing a story based off it. :) This is just the Crossdressing connection.
I remember now how it started. I was around 5 years old and grew up with 2 older brothers, one full and the other a half brother from my dads first marriage. My dad wasn't around much but not because he was a bad father, just a traditional Italian man who would work 6 jobs if he had to to keep the roof over the house so my mom was the prominent one in our lives. It was my mom who started dressing me. I assume through my own intuition that she did this because she always wanted a daughter but never got one. It was natural for her to do this with me and not my brother because he was the one who always wanted to be outside where I preferred to be inside. This went on for a few years and from I can remember, I enjoyed it as I developed a bond with my mother, it made her happy which made me happy.
Around the age of eight, my parents began their divorce proceedings and neither was around much, dad for work, mom going out 3 times a week so we had baby sitters. I remember one night when my older half brother who was 17 at the time was baby sitting, I went to my moms closet and pulled out all the things she would dress me in. My brothers girlfriend who was there also, ended up messing around with me while he watched. This went on a few times when they baby sat for us and eventually mother found out. This did not go over well as she exploded on my brother, my dad, and me. I suspect her dressing me was 'our' time and not meant for anyone else to see and know about. I also remember now her fighting with my dad about his son doing what he did to me.
A few years later it began again. I was around 12 years old and now it was just my full brother, mom, and I. I remember chasing the dog into her room one day and seeing some of her clothes on the bed. It didn't take long and I was off to the races going through her closets and drawers every chance I could get but unknown to me was my original past. I didn't know why I was doing this and went through all the regret, guilt, and anxiety afterward that most of us have felt. Outside of this, my life was in shambles. I had the thoughts the world hated me and being picked on in and out of school daily just verified those thoughts. Compound it with crossdressing and not understanding it, yea, this got bad. But I couldn't stop. This went on for a few years in secret never being caught but so many near misses, enough to scare the crap out of me. Each time my mom would come home, it seemed she would race upstairs to see what I was doing, I have a feeling she knew. Who am I kidding, she did know. Finally one day around 15, she confronted me. I of course denied it but this didn't go over to well and she flipped out trying to get me to confess, going as far as threatening to start ripping up all my comics, which she eventually did. Those comics where my life, my life away from the reality of a world that hated me. She ripped that away from me and further cemented I was no good. I would never dress again after that....so I thought.
It was another 10 years before I would ever dress again, around the age of 25 while living with my GF at the time. That relationship was pretty bad from the start and the issues had nothing to do with CD'ing. Since the episode at 15, I of course had thoughts about it, you know, walking through a mall and seeing womens clothing on display. I would think to myself, "Ohhhh, I would love to try that on" only to instantly send myself to a severe mental beating to stop myself from thinking it. It was wrong, strange and weird!. However I was so alone in that relationship, one night when she was working, it started again. I was in the closet and saw her clothes hanging there. I stared and the butterflies of excitement began to flood me. At this point in my life I was around 165 at 5'9'' a very slender 165. She was 5'7'' and around 125 and to my surprise, I fit into her clothes almost perfect! I went to town! Not literally though LOL. This brought a whole new level to dressing for me being an adult for one, and two, this time frame was also the first time I experienced high heels and full makeup. That first night I did my whole face as best as I could, wearing a tight black spandex top and mini skirt with stockings and black pumps, I put the wig that I had bought and turned around and saw something I couldn't believe. I can feel those emotions perfectly right now just typing this. I was shocked and what I saw. I couldn't believe that was really me standing there. I must admit, I got a little excited too, OK, A LOT excited! I starred at myself for what must have been over an hour then starting walking and dancing around to that late 80's, early 90's dance song 'Everybody dance now' LOL. Soriya was born.
That time frame in my 20's was the most fun I have ever had dressing because it was so real with my emotions, senses, and appearance however, it was one of the hardest due to my learned behavior of how dressing was bad thing and each time I was done, the guilt and regret would get stronger. Purging became the norm in what seemed like a weekly occurrence. It was such a roller coaster to feel the level of excitement I did during it to only have it come crashing down to the same old question of why in the hell am I doing this? Once again, I had a near miss and my GF almost caught me. She basically did. She wasn't supposed to be home when she got home but there she was, banging on the Window to get into the apartment. I was so scared. It took me a few minutes to get everything off and I finally let her in at which time she ran around looking for another girl as she suspected that was what I was doing. I was real lucky as she did not have her key to get in that night. I somehow defused the situation and convinced her to run to the store at which time I did one massive, super fast final purge. I have not dressed since then, 11 years.
Now here I sit, alone, finalizing my divorce after being with my wife for 9 years (not the same ex). CD'ing has had nothing to do with the split but here I am now, basically single and living on my own with nobody around. The desire is returned as well as all the questions.
My analysis..
This began because of an issue with my mother always wanting a daughter. I only know this after this weeks soul searching on here. I also learned in the last 6 months that I have always been looking for acceptance from my mom my whole life, felt like I could never make her happy. Now I know why. Playing dress up with her made her happy and we developed a bond during that time, even though it was not the right thing for her to do but regardless, she expressed a different love for me as a girl, I see that now. When she found out what my brother and GF did, she flipped out on them and me, then fought with my dad over it during their divorce. Little did I know then, but this affected me and I developed a feeling that I was the problem. All of the sudden this bond between her and I was considered bad. I felt like she din;t except me, didn't love me. I know she also must have realized what she may have caused with me by dressing me up those few years, a fear she turned me gay. Starting to dress in my early teens again, I had blocked out my other memories because of the pain associated, this is why I started to ask myself why I was doing this. I was also subconsciously trying to connect back to that love I saw she had for a girl she really didn't have. Remember at that time in my life, the world hated me. When she confronted me in my teens and ripped up my comics, it wasn't me she was angry at, it was herself because she blamed herself for creating it and feared she turned me gay (I am not by the way). This also subconsciously taught me to not allow myself to enjoy this side of me because the end results were always bad. Learned behavior.
So now I know how and why it started and all though it was not by my choice and my enjoyment was for the love I saw she had for me, I cannot deny that self enjoyment I experienced in my 20's. So now here I sit, ready to explore this side of me again, and ALLOW myself to enjoy it and see where it goes. I know my mom loves me for who I really am so that question is answered. Who knows, with all the info I have now, I may come to realize, this just is not for me but one thing remains clear, I need to know that answer and I am not afraid to find it out. :D
Everything makes perfect sense now :)
XO
Soriya