Doubts About My Female Self

[Beth-Lock]

It seems, no matter how hard I try to bury them, there are doubts about the validity of my female self that pop up every now and again, most likely in some sort of crisis. It is then that the male within surfaces and tries to wrest dominance from the woman I am living as.
I wonder: Will this never end?
Today, it surfaced as I snoozed on the sofa, in a sort of dream. It followed a talk with a doubting family member who cannot see me as a woman. This family person has issues with transgenderism as well as me, deeper than any I can deal with. It is as if I seem to have suddenly gone crazy, to this person. Maybe I hid my female side too deeply in times gone by and I fooled people too well into thinking I was all male.
Has anyone else been faced with these dilemmas? Does one ever settle down and put the contrary feelings to rest?

[Faith_G]

I had serious doubts for years due to my interests (mechanical things, especially engines). I was raised with strict gender roles, girls bake cookies and never get grease under their fingernails. Once I got over that sexist attitude, the doubts about who I am vanished.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

At times we all think what am I doing to my family, my kids or whomever, we have doubts to what we are doing. We think what if's all the time but you know what, it's a process of learning about ourselves, learning to accept ourself. We need to literally have a discussion with ourselves, it's like a therapist asking the tough questions to make sure we know what we want to do. I wouldn't put to much into it. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Hope]

I think if you don't have some of those doubts and questions, that should be a huge screaming red flag that something is not quite right. This is serious stuff, and reconsidering and second guessing is normal. It can take a long time to see things from every angle. And try to understand them from every angle. And change your mind 3 times from every angle.

[AllieSF]

Yes, the self doubt is good. It helps keep you re-validating the serious steps that you are and will be taking. However, too many of them may necessitate some therapy to make sure that these life changing steps are what you really want to be doing and really should be doing. It is kind of like infatuation and love. When we are infatuated with someone or something, we think that yes, this is the one, and then may lose that feeling later and start looking for the next "one". Love is when you are really sure that this one is the "one".

Regarding dealing with "doubting" family friend, friends and others: I think that that may be just a fact of your transitioning life. You will run into these type of people and you will need to learn to deal with them and the bad after feelings that they cause. Your journey may require changing or severing ties with past friends and family members. Unfortunately, that seems to be part of the trials, learning process and re-blossoming associated with a lot of transitions. I wish you the best of luck for the future.

[tanyalynn51]

doubts due to 'traditional" male and female roles are one thing I did get over a long time ago. I am in a job where fighting is sometimes required to protect people, and have never had problems with the idea of defending myself, friends, and family with any force required. Of course, this is true of a number of girls I know, including a couple, who like me, are crack shots. On the other hand, even when I was trying to be a man, I always cried at sad endings, was one of the most gentle people you would know with children and animals (still am)- you get the idea. Look at my avatar. I somehow see a mix of this in her..

[Billijo49504]

Faith G, I bake cookies and cakes and I get grease under my nail. Usually it's butter flavored Crisco :drink:..BJ

[Kaitlyn Michele]

one of the problems some of us face is that we are not indoctrinated into womanhood growing up...i have teenage daughters...my most common reaction to their daily trials is "WTF are you worrying about that!!?!?!"...of course, they are teenage girls...that explains everything..we don't have that...

so i feel an isolation from women and men, because my life has been so different than most everyone's...

i usually don't worry about it..
but as you point out Beth...it doesnt always work that way...and those doubts that you've always had start to come on....

if you wake up tomorrow , and the next day, and the next day, and you feel those doubts..then its time to have a long talk with yourself...and test yourself, think back to a year ago...5 yrs ago...how were doing then?? did you keep a journal or diary, or even (like i did) leave notes on random scraps of paper..

also remember that alot of times doubts about transitioning or increasing your femininity come from other angles...(stress, money, loved ones, church)...its like EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING is against you and what you are doing.. and lots and lots back off because of all that stuff...this is a very real issue and if you don't have support, its much harder..
its very difficult to not have doubts when it seems you are alone...

good luck to you and post more! it helps to get those thoughts out there..

[morgan51]

just ask yourself does transition make me feel complete and validated or., does this make me feel poorly Mostly others close to me feel bad and uncomfortable untill they set with the thought for a while then most come around. Unfortunatly a few never can accept and won't,, Sometimes I have doubts too I think it is normal and good to ask all the questions repeatedly. also to let others ask the same questions as well tough stuff this. Hugs sis

[Myojine]

my answer and advice: I stopped beleiving i had a "Male" self a while ago. and honestly its to the point now where i sometimes have flashes of me totaly female. i often think "What would i look like if was a girl right now?
me i usually quick picture the addition of boobs green fingernail polish slightly touched up eyebrows, a 2ft long ponytail, and a clear olive skin. today i was at work(i work at lowes outside lawn and garden) hauling around bags of rocks, mulch, and stone, in my combat boots, some too big for me jeans and a hoodie, thinking... man if i was a girl right now someone would be thinkin "thats one tough and rugged woman..."
Pretty much nowadays if im clean shaven without a trace of facial hair and i take alook in the mirror, i sorta see a butch lesbien looking back. add soem facial hair though and i dont know who the hell it is looking back at me in the mirror.
So my advice...
if youve started transition you need to convice yourself that no matter what anyone thinks... no matter waht the picture shows, you were never a guy EVER. which is the truth...imo,
female brain is female in heart, no matter waht she has between her legs.

[Karen564]

It seems, no matter how hard I try to bury them, there are doubts about the validity of my female self that pop up every now and again, most likely in some sort of crisis. It is then that the male within surfaces and tries to wrest dominance from the woman I am living as.
I wonder: Will this never end?
Today, it surfaced as I snoozed on the sofa, in a sort of dream. It followed a talk with a doubting family member who cannot see me as a woman. This family person has issues with transgenderism as well as me, deeper than any I can deal with. It is as if I seem to have suddenly gone crazy, to this person. Maybe I hid my female side too deeply in times gone by and I fooled people too well into thinking I was all male.
Has anyone else been faced with these dilemmas? Does one ever settle down and put the contrary feelings to rest?



It followed a talk with a doubting family member who cannot see me as a woman. This family person has issues with transgenderism as well as me, deeper than any I can deal with. It is as if I seem to have suddenly gone crazy, to this person.


Let me ask you this.....
If this person that cannot see you as a woman was totally out of the picture today...
Do you think that you would still have these doubts ??

Something tells me that the answer is no......but what's your answer?


And to answer your question on if I have these doubts.....my answer is No, but only because my battles within myself ended a long time ago..and only had to wrestle with thoughts about if it was still possible to transition at my age long before my 1st session with my gender therapist & before I started HRT...
I admit that I had other issues going on since starting the transition process, but doubting my feelings of validity as female wasn't one of them because I sure as hell knew that I didn't feel like a male and never did...and think my biggest battle after I decided to go for it, was tearing down all the walls that I built which gave everyone the impression that I was a man..
:hugs:

[Suzy Harrison]

When you sit back and think of this - you would expect to feel a little that way regardless of the TG that's in you.

You were born and raised 'as a male'. For years you would have been encouraged to do 'male things' and think as a male as anyone else would have done. We can't undo all of that in a few years - as if it never had happened. I think we just need to understand a little of that will remain with us no matter how feminine we become.

BTW: Some members of my family still find it hard to think of me as a female - and everyone else finds it hard to think I was ever male.

hugs Suzy

[ReineD]

I'm by no means qualified to give any advice with regards to gender identity, but I do have an analogy drawn from personal experience.

It is all about choices. And sometimes the choices we make for the sake of self-actualization means that we must suffer some losses. You face losing the support of some family members and friends. And living in a world where some people will not understand who you are. My own choices (to leave a long term, unhappy, and abusive marriage), led to a loss of custody, the alienation of my oldest son, a serious decrease in financial security, a major loss of self-identity. Loss is painful.

I foresaw some (not all) of my losses before opting for personal growth and I was convinced that eventually the benefits would outweigh the deficits. I'm discovering now that the deficits are greater than I ever imagined. Still, once any decision is made, it is human nature to forge ahead and do our best to not second guess ourselves. It would be very painful for me to believe now that I had made a mistake, doubly so since I cannot go back and change anything. So I tell myself that I could never go back to that marriage, not even if I could get back everything that I lost.

All you can do is weigh your current level of unhappiness vs. the promise of future happiness. If you decide to go ahead with it, you will keep moving forward and you will survive your losses. It is called survival. And you may, based on your level of inner strength, eventually find happiness at the end of it all.

[Rachel_Red]

so i feel an isolation from women and men, because my life has been so different than most everyone's...

Wow thats a very deep and interesting point right there. Yes we are changing our gender and yes we are becoming more fem, however no one outside of other TG/TSs can understand the issues we face. I think your post and specificaly the quote above states what many people chose not to consider. We're unique. We are not a 100% woman or 100% man but rather 100% human. In a way we understand both sides of the coin to some dagree.

I've often wondered why it is that so many people have issues with us. I told my Mom a short while back and she is still dealing with it even though she has seen the signs all my life. She tells me "I don't know Rachel, I don't want to lose (insert my boy name here :p). That comment hurt deep... I told her "I'm the same person, in a way its just cloths." I think people need to consider it, we need some form of cultural awakening that states we are all human and we can chose how we want to look and act. Consider me an idealist but I hope that by the time my children are my age that they can chose what clothing and lifestyles they want without having to worry about other peoples reactions.

As you stated having support is always better than traveling alone... afterall Frodo needed Sam to help with the ring (in Lord of the Rings). Life is a quest and it takes truely strong people to go it alone. We all know what feels right and its important that we stay on track and attain what we want in life (as long as its safe and healthy).

Back to the quote though, yes we are isolated in a way. Some people understand our struggle while others scratch their heads and think we're "odd" people. I also agree that in a way if you never have any doubts then you're either extreamly brave and unconcerned with other peoples views of you or its a red flag to something much deeper and perhaps unhealthy. We all seek to be accepted. If you want to think the glass is half full then take this fact: There are over 6.8 billion people in the world... with that many people on the earth you're bound to find a community that will accept you.

[Beth-Lock]

Yes, the self doubt is good. It helps keep you re-validating the serious steps that you are and will be taking. However, too many of them may necessitate some therapy to make sure that these life changing steps are what you really want to be doing and really should be doing.
.... You will run into these type of people and you will need to learn to deal with them and the bad after feelings that they cause. .... Unfortunately, that seems to be part of the trials, learning process and re-blossoming associated with a lot of transitions. I wish you the best of luck for the future.

Yes, I have been undergoing therapy with a psychologist who is a gender expert. But recently the sessions have become routine and don't seem to have been going anywhere. As a result I have discontinued them to wait for further developments to occur with my family mainly.
In choosing to transition, I have run into a whole new set of artificial demands to meet and rules to follow, so I have not really freed myself as I thought I could. I am wondering if there is another way. For example, I admire Nina Arsenault. She certainly has made herself the master of her destiny. I seem to have got into territory where petty and exacting rule makers dominate. They may very well reject my claim to status as a woman in the end anyway, but not after I have wasted a long time and some money, trying to comply with their fussy demands, demands to fit into their mold of what they see as proper behaviour, meaning behaviour which conforms to their therapeutic stereotype.

[RockerTerri]

I know the feeling. Every so often, I start thinking "will everyone ever just accept this? Will strangers ever just treat me like any other woman, and not some TG guy?" and theyre hard questions to kick from your mind.

I believe the short answer is no; 100% of people will never accept this, nor will 100% of people every treat us like any other woman 100% of the time.

But most of us can get above 99%, and thats sure better than 100% of people treating me like a guy! I am by no means a supermodel or anything, and the huge majority of people I deal with just think (or are VERY good at not giving any clues that theyve read me) I am any other woman. As far as gender "roles" meh...I think I hate that phrase. Women are now combat pilots and locomotive engineers. Men are now kindergarten teachers and nurses. Your likes and dislikes are part of YOU, they have nothing to do with gender; some women love cars, some men love flowers. Dosent make one less of a woman, the other less of a man.

Gotta be happy with YOU. Stuff dosent go right for me 100% of the time. But life is sure a lot better than it was 5, or even 2 years ago. This is a pretty awesome ride. The doubts are normal; if the positives outweigh the negatives, its a good idea. If not...may be time to rethink things.

[morgan pure]

I know women who shoot guns and girls who play with snakes.

[Jorja]

I have really thought about how to reply to this thread for a couple of days now. I think the way to respond is to say we adjust to our own situations.
In the beginning, yes I had doubts and fears. I also had that burning need to become a woman.
Yes I lost everything, friends, family, job everything. I was called every name in the book. I was physically abused. Like many of you, I had to become a woman so I persevered. I did every crappy job I could get so I could pay for my transition.
Eventually, I married a wonderful man. He and I were the only ones that knew my past. The other couples and friends we associated with only knew me as a female. They accepted me as a female and never questioned it otherwise. Many of the women and I went to the gym together. They saw me naked. There was never any question in their minds as to whether or not I was female.
Does that mean I had to only partake in female activities? No. I love to restore or build Harleys and old trucks, woodworking, hunting and fishing. I also love to sew my own dresses, do needlepoint, crochet, cook, and garden. It becomes a matter of balance. It becomes a matter of being comfortable with who you are.

I hope this helps.

Jorja