Am I stealing moments that belong to my wife?

[DaphneGrey]

This morning I was helping my son get ready for his class picture. I was feeling quite femm in my long sleep shirt and panties with a scarf wrapped around my head and ankle socks. As he was about to leave for the bus, I knelt down on his level in a femm maner as not to expose myself . I looked up in his eyes and said look how handsome my little man is asI fixed his hair for the final time. As I did this I felt so feminine and motherly. It was really quite a moment for me. But then after he left I felt a guilty. I got to thinking about my wife and thought should that be her moment? Am I stealing her role as mom? She diddnt see it after all but she must have seen these moments in the past. Our god daughter who I love like my own asked me to take her shopping recently so I took her to a nice dress shop for a dress and then helped her pick out shoes and styled her gorgeous long blond hair. Again it was a wonderful experience but should it have been mine? Being married to somone like us is not easy, so Iwonder if these things contribute to the strain s, insecurity, our spouses feel. I would really like to hear your thoughts.

Daphnie

[docrobbysherry]

That maybe your doing these things is one reason she loves u?:)
That, she MAY consider your fem side a blessing, and NOT competition?:brolleyes:

[jenifer m.]

your wife doesnt mind you being dressed feminine in front of your son?cuz i can maybe see that being an issue for her.but i guess what she doesnt see wont hurt.

[ReineD]

Am I stealing her role as mom?

Not at all. Every child has a unique relationship with each parent that is not defined by gender. Your wife's relationship with her children is solid and it is based on how well their personalities mesh and the understanding they have between them. For example, I grew up feeling much more comfortable with my father than my mother. We understood one another intellectually, we shared similar interests, whereas my mother most often made everything out to be all about her, so it was difficult for her to have a meaningful rapport with me.

Your son may be able to laugh, or enjoy the competitive nature of boardgames, or wish to confide his emotional concerns, or enjoy working side by side, or share a musical, artistic, academic, scientific, or sports interest more with either one of you depending on your own likes and dislikes. It really has nothing to do with gender at all. :)

:hugs:

[DaphneGrey]

your wife doesnt mind you being dressed feminine in front of your son?cuz i can maybe see that being an issue for her.but i guess what she doesnt see wont hurt.

I dont dress femme in front of my sons, I was dressed in my sleep clothes. A long night shirt and cotton panties that they couldn't see. the scarf actually a bandana. The thing was I was acting and feeling feminine. Emmotion is what I am talking about. I hide nothing from my wife aabsolutely nothing. She is very supportive of me yes but we work very hard to find a balance. I am wondering If have been crossing a boundry that maybe is not there but should be,

[Kathi Lake]

Daphne,

I was going to agree wholeheartedly with you - until I read Reine's post. As always, she "encapsulates" the feminine viewpoint that we all need - and really have no idea on how to emulate. Thank you, Reine!

I still feel a bit like you, Daphne. My wife is the mighty oncology researcher who is gone before we all wake up and back late at night - unless she's traveling, as is frequently the case. I'm just a humble geek in a 9-5 job. As a result, I get the kids up and fed, get my daughter all prettied up for school, make their lunches, get them to school, pick them up, fix dinner, etc. There have been times when my wife feels like she has been a bad mother and says I'm a better mother than her. I always remind her that what she is doing is important, and that she will always be the mother - and her kids know that. I'm just the dad. Sure, I feel guilty about "stealing" moments like you, but I always make sure to do things to make her feel important. I let my daughter wear clothes that are a bit "clashy." I will purposefully make little mistakes in my daughter's hair so my wife can swoop in and rescue the poor unfortunate male. :)

So, I do hear you, but agree with Reine. A mom is a mom. We can never replace that relationship - just augment it from time to time.

Kathi

[ReineD]

Sure, I feel guilty about "stealing" moments like you, but I always make sure to do things to make her feel important. I let my daughter wear clothes that are a bit "clashy." I will purposefully make little mistakes in my daughter's hair so my wife can swoop in and rescue the poor unfortunate male. :)

So, I do hear you, but agree with Reine. A mom is a mom. We can never replace that relationship - just augment it from time to time.

Kathi

Thanks for the kind words, Kathi, but I didn't mean that you or Daphne could not take the place of a mom. Not at all! Lol, I encouraged my kids to look clashy. I strongly encouraged their individuality and creativity. I loved it when one of my sons died his hair orange. Lol. But being a mom or a dad is much more than engaging in older stereotypical roles. The importance is the caring. Are the parents interested in the child's challenges and milestones? Can they see the child's soul? Are the parents able to put their needs aside in order to deal with what might be the child's more immediate needs? If the child falls sick in the middle of the night or has a nightmare, is there someone there for him? It is about being a parent more than a mom or a dad.

My point is that you (and Daphne) are excellent, nurturing parents. You have a relationship with your children that is different than the one they have with their mother, based on what sources you. Which parent is likely to be more tolerant of messes, in favor of meeting the child's needs? Which parent enjoys splashing through puddles and feeding grains to sugar to an ant colony to see what happens? Which parent prefers to read the bedtime stories? All these activities are perfectly interchangeable.

My ex was (is) a wonderfully nurturing dad. He learned it from his own father, who was home working on their dairy farm, while his mom worked long shifts in town as a nurse. Both my ex and I each brought our own perspectives, our own unique strengths and weaknesses to our children. One of us is more structured than the other. One of us has an easier sense of humor. One of us places more emphasis on academic development. It doesn't matter which parent does what, really. The point is that each of you have your own strengths and weaknesses. The child will grow up having different memories associated with each parent.

[Karen564]

I dont dress femme in front of my sons, I was dressed in my sleep clothes. A long night shirt and cotton panties that they couldn't see. the scarf actually a bandana. The thing was I was acting and feeling feminine. Emmotion is what I am talking about. I hide nothing from my wife aabsolutely nothing. She is very supportive of me yes but we work very hard to find a balance. I am wondering If have been crossing a boundry that maybe is not there but should be,

I don't really see what you did was so wrong....

And there was nothing holding your wife back from seeing him off with you if she wanted to....

But if it's something that's bothering you, Then I think it's best to have this discussion with the one that matters most in this situation,... your Wife.....

Because no matter what I say or anyone else says for that matter, cant speak for her .....but, I doubt this bothered her...just remember your the dad, she's the Mom, and you will golden..
Besides, if it did bother her, she will or would say something, or at least show you by her emotions one way or another if your looking....

:2c:

[DaphneGrey]

Thank You Karen,Kathi, and Renie for the responses I value all of your opinions very much. I dont think I did anything wrong in terms of my actions perse perhaps if I put it another way. My wife is amazingly supportive of my need to present female (as much as I can) but she doesnlt want to see me dressed up. She sees my clothes and makeup and such we chat about clothes she will even offer advice and poke fun on occasion. I love her for this and cherish those moments. In return I try very hard to be her Ideal picture of a man. I dress the way she likes would be an example. (She has a thing for vneck sweater vests over colored Tshirts, Likes me to look like Gibbs on NCIS) If a phsical part of Daphnie comes through during Guy time she gets a little hurt not angry but hurt. She might say my brows were a little to thin or I forgot to take my toe nail polish off. These things can upset her and rightfully so in my opinion. I guess I am thinking as Daphnie is becoming a more dominant part of my personality. That my feminine nature is becoming more apparent even when I am presenting male. So if some nail polish residue can cause her to feel insecure than perhaps things like this morning would as well. Or going shopping with God Daughter as I think back about that experience I should have asked her to join us. We have two sons together and we lost two daughters together. I know she would have liked to do that and I cant help but feel guilty about it. Live and learn I guess.

[Karen564]

I know she would have liked to do that and I cant help but feel guilty about it. Live and learn I guess.

Yes Daphne, I think that's all we can do, just live & learn..and now that you reflected back on things, you know what you need to do the next time & be sure to include her..which I do believe will make her feel very good, since nobody likes to feel left out....so maybe a nice little personal gift for her out of the blue may lift her spirits & yours....
I sure do know it lifts my spirits up when someone does that for me....just a thought.....hint hint....lol

PS, Your very welcome...and thanks for sharing your feelings which has been a breath of fresh air ...in seeing genuine concern for a wifes feelings.....I really love that...:)

:hugs:

[ReineD]

... That my feminine nature is becoming more apparent even when I am presenting male. So if some nail polish residue can cause her to feel insecure than perhaps things like this morning would as well.

Daphne, I'm sorry that your wife is not more open about the CDing, at least some of the times. But please do not confuse her disapproval of nail polish or thinned eyebrows with a disapproval over being a nurturing parent and uncle. I cannot think of a GG who would resent her partner for being sensitive and nurturing towards their children.

Also, please do not feel guilty for wanting to do girly things with your god-daughers. If you also share fun days with your sons, doing things they like to do as well, everyone will get equal time and you will have done nothing more than be a great parent and god-parent! :)

:hugs:

[DonnaT]

Were you stealing moments? Not if your wife has similar moments. Which I imagine she does, and more often. As a parent, you too should be able to share in such moments. A parent thing, not a wife/husband thing.

[sherri52]

At the time your doing these things, this is your moment. Tha fact that your fem side is coming out is irrelevent.

[ellenwannabe]

I would say that you did what any mom would do at that time and as your wife was not present just enjoy and seize the moment - if your wife feels any problems about it I'm sure she'll let you know - Ellen

[Sheila]

The thing was I was acting and feeling feminine. Emmotion is what I am talking about.

You were acting like a parent, it is you who CHOOSES to attribute those actions as being feminine, my dad often brushed my hair, hugged me, and he did it with emotion, as a parent not as a woman, or a man, as a parent ............... sorry but Debs does things with emotion, but never with gender defined emotions ........... she/he are one and the same person, they are both emotional and those emotions vary from situation to situation not from gender to gender by dress, and as you point out you were not dressed fem, so why attribute it to being fem and not emotions of a parent as he prepared his son for his photo session at school. My elder two's dad did that on the odd occasion I had to work and not able to be there to get the kids to school, he did it as a parent :straightface:

[BRANDYJ]

I am reading this a little differently then others perhaps. But since when can't a man, a father show the same care and affection to his children as the mother. As for what you felt inside with that moment, is really personal and does not have to be shared with your children or wife. Whether you felt masculine or feminine inside is not important. What is important is that you showed care for your child. Children need affection and discipline dealt out equally by both parents. No, you did not steal a moment from your wife. I would bet she has hers. If she went outside and pitched a baseball tp your son, or threw a football with him, do you think she is robbing you of a "daddy" moment" Of course not. And that said even if she felt masculine in that roll.

[eileendover]

.... I cannot think of a GG who would resent her partner for being sensitive and nurturing towards their children.

Also, please do not feel guilty for wanting to do girly things with your god-daughers. If you also share fun days with your sons, doing things they like to do as well, everyone will get equal time and you will have done nothing more than be a great parent and god-parent! :)

:yt: As usual, Reine is right. Sons and daughters all appreciate the special times you share with them.
But don't automatically assume that the girls will only like to do girl things and the boys will only like to do boy things.

When my daughter was very very young, I'd always have her "help" me with fixit projects around the house. She's an adult now, but we still talk about how she used to "help" by standing on the board I was sawing or nailing! If it's something YOU enjoy, kids just want to be included.

[ReineD]

But since when can't a man, a father show the same care and affection to his children as the mother.

That's not what is being said at all. The point is that mothers do not have exclusive rights to affection and nurturing. Each parent can and should show affection, caring, and nurturing to their children.

[Sweeterica]

I agree its just being a loving parent, i do wonder tho should your son see you dressed like that, perhaps he tell his mates at school about you,might lead to problems i dont know,personally i wouldnt let my kids see me like it.

[Elle1946]

What is wrong with two mothers???

[Karen564]

Elle

Nothing at all, I know hundreds of them...:heehee:

[Leigh58]

Hi Daphne,
I would say that the simple fact that you are even wondering about this shows that you are a special person! You are considerate of your wife's feelings! That goes a long way, believe me! Are you comfortable with asking your wife how she feels about your "mothering" instincts? Some of us GGs think it is kinda sexy when our SOs show their softer side!

[ReineD]

Leigh, :hugs: I would add that *most* of us GGs think it is sexy for our mates to be caring and nuturing. :) Who likes to live with a cold fish?

[kimdl93]

I agree entirely. I think that being caring and nurturing is something that all parents should aspire to. Certainly, life circumstances can dictate which parent has the most time to spend with their children, but I would never deny nor wish to be denied the opportunity to provide love and support to my children. And I don't think its a zero sum game...there can never be too much love expressed to a child

[DaphneGrey]

Kim

I think you are right as well as so many others who have posted in this thread. I am just going to continue being me and not worry about it too much. Thanks all for the insight and support.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I will say you are being a loving parent and as a parent I would do the same. We as parents must encourage our children and build them up and there is nothing wrong with what you did and how you did it. You are feeling parental feelings and I must say that is good and I get them from time to time:) I think the true test is does any none TG parents who consider themselves manly men feel the same?